Women, how to approach you?

[compwhiz345]

Hi,

 

This one is for the women. I figured, if i'm going to get answers, I probably should go the source of my problem. How do women like to be approached when I guy is trying to meet, talk, and keep her attention? I've been to bars where women are constantly swarmed by men, and it's not that big a deal, but I don't want to be single anymore and want to get back in the dating world. How do you know when a women is interested in you, or wants you to come talk to them? Or am I going about this all wrong? Should I just sit and be quiet and let them come talk to me? Any other suggestions are welcome to help, because i'm 21 and I haven't dated in over 2 years and i'm starting to feel less of a man these days because i'm tired of seeing all my friends pregnant or dating or having better chances with women. I've got nothing going for me, not even a small bit of flirting.

 

Any advice would help me out alot.

 

Thanks.

[rockerstar]

Oh...hang in there.

I'm 23 and still haven't even had a boyfriend. In fact the first guy I liked, turned out that he was using me to try and hook back up with his ex (who was my friend) and then it was to hook up with my best friend. NEVER EVER flirt or say you like a girl your interested in's best friend. The second actually asked me, but he was at the time nearly 4 years my junior. He had some social issues as well.

So...hmmm...maybe I'm not the best for advice about this. But I can say for myself and my friends....don't use pick up lines. Don't offer to buy her a drink just straight away (looks like your only into getting her drunk and stuff). Try small talk. Be genuine. Don't incessantly text her afterwards, everyday. I know my best friend freaks out when that happens, she's had sooo many guys do that. Text her continually everyday seeing how she's going, what's she doing, that they should catch up. I think maybe even start off by inviting her to a group thing, rather than one on one, so there's less pressure and you get to know each other better as well.

Ummm....I think that's all I've got. Maybe you could tell me, how does a girl know when a guy likes her? And especially her and not her best friend? (This all stems from my previous issues above) Because I think there might be a guy that likes me...he's started commenting and liking my facebook status's a fair bit and did organise a group dinner to try a pizza place one night around me. He also encouraged me to set up more events like when I got my job...a celebratory thing. So....?

[Pinnacle]

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman.

 

A bit of a far off analogy, but if the glove fits...

[compwhiz345]

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman.

 

A bit of a far off analogy, but if the glove fits...

 

Why not? Women have said "they know what they want in guys and which ones are plain creepy," I think she's has given some good insight.

[Pinnacle]

People will say one thing and mean another. Girls SAY they want nice guys but RUN off with jerks. Guys SAY they want a nice girl to bring back home to their mom, but then go to bars to RUN off with a more promiscuous woman. Just say hi and go from there because to be honest everything else hinges on who you are and not the style of conversation or pick up you are using.

 

You don't want to ask the girl you want to ask out...how to ask her out. Like I said before, you don't ask the fish but the fisherman.

[Snowy]

People will say one thing and mean another. Girls SAY they want nice guys but RUN off with jerks. Guys SAY they want a nice girl to bring back home to their mom, but then go to bars to RUN off with a more promiscuous woman. Just say hi and go from there because to be honest everything else hinges on who you are and not the style of conversation or pick up you are using.

 

I agree with this to some extent.

 

Just say hi, smile and start chatting?

[ProtestTheHero]

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman.

 

A bit of a far off analogy, but if the glove fits...

 

This is correct.

 

The problem with asking women how to approach them is there is a lot of deviation. A guy might be average looking but really interesting, so great conversational skills carries him a lot farther than what his looks would imply.

 

A ridiculously hot guy might walk up to a girl and simply ask her out with no other context or pretense and get a yes. One is stimulating and the other is validating, so both are equally enjoyable.

 

 

[BritterSweet]

To be honest, I got a little upset reading a few of the replies. Don't ask women because we men know them better? And oh yes, the good old "Women claim to want nice guys but actually want jerks," line.

 

There is no one way to approach and attract that works on every woman. It pretty much depends more on the type of woman you want. If you want someone who loves to have fun, then be fun.

[ProtestTheHero]

To be honest, I got a little upset reading a few of the replies. Don't ask women because we men know them better? And oh yes, the good old "Women claim to want nice guys but actually want jerks," line.

 

There is no one way to approach and attract that works on every woman. It pretty much depends more on the type of woman you want. If you want someone who loves to have fun, then be fun.

 

What I mean is this:

 

Imagine a girl starts a thread and asks "What do you guys like in women?"

 

I can sit here and type a list of qualities that would be my ideal woman, but no one could possibly live up to such an idealized list. However, if I'm out and about and I meet someone, I can fall just as hard for that woman as any that I could make up in my head. She isn't "perfect" but I'm still ridiculously into her. So what good is it for someone to ask me what my favorite traits are if the girl I end up is a mixture of a bunch of things?

 

The approach is the same way. What good is it to ask women how to approach them when most answers are idealistic rather than practical? You won't find anything like that in the thread I wrote and linked -- if you have the time you can read mine and tell me if it comes accross as chauvinistic and/or caustic.

 

It doesn't do a guy a whole lot of good for him to read some list of the perfect way to go about things. He needs to learn how to manifest a sense of confidence and social competence to where those types of lists are irrelevant -- he isn't looking to meet features a woman has claimed to want, he is merely being himself and letting the chips fall where they may. It's for this reason that I don't advise guys to get advice from women on issues like this.

[Stay_home]

Usually if a woman is interested in you, she won't tell you but instead she'll hint it to you, i.e. staring in your direction, going out of her way to walk in front of your line of sight so that she knows you noticed her, some women may even speak to you and tell you hello or hi. Do not wait for them to come talk to you, because 9/10 won't. Not to mention, learning how to approach and draw up conversation will not only improve your confidence, but help you out socially in the long run.

[rockerstar]

People will say one thing and mean another. Girls SAY they want nice guys but RUN off with jerks. Guys SAY they want a nice girl to bring back home to their mom, but then go to bars to RUN off with a more promiscuous woman. Just say hi and go from there because to be honest everything else hinges on who you are and not the style of conversation or pick up you are using.

 

You don't want to ask the girl you want to ask out...how to ask her out. Like I said before, you don't ask the fish but the fisherman.

 

Umm...I'd like to agree to disagree on this one. Yeah, either sex might flirt or go out with the "bad/naughty" ones for awhile, but in the end they want someone who is genuinely nice. If they stay in that type of relationship and don't leave its because they don't have the confidence too.

[Sim54]

Ultimately, the best way to be with a woman is confident. Then, what you do is less important than how you do it.

In answer to the original question, the best way to approach a woman is well, to approach her!

Go say hi. If you see a girl and she looks your way, smile at her. If she smiles back, go say hi.

This happened with me the other day.

I was in a cafe and me and a girl in there looked at each other a couple of times, nothing more.

The next day I saw her sitting in the street, and as I walked past we both smiled at each other, so I turned around, walked back and said:

"Hi, it's so normal seemingly to see the same people in the street around East London don't you think?"

She replied:

"Yeah, but no one ever comes up and introduces themselves."

I said:

"Well, that's what I'm doing!"

 

And we chatted away for a bit.

 

My point here isn't what I did, other than approach, so much as that I was confident and not afraid to say hi. She was beautiful, but friendly, and she is just a human being. And was as interested in getting to know a guy, as I was in getting to know her.

 

Don't be afraid to say hi, and start a conversation. Most people aren't rude, and if they are, it's their problem. If she doesn't want to chat, or isn't into you, you'll get that vibe soon enough, and you just move on.

 

Oh, and as for the guy who said this.

 

Girls SAY they want nice guys but RUN off with jerks.

 

This is CLASSIC nice guy thinking! It just doesn't occur to you that there might be another type of man other than needy nice guys, or jerks does there?

Guess what, there is! They're called REAL MEN. Strong, in control, neither Nice Guy, nor Jerk. Just an adult male. VERY attractive to women.

 

Peace.

[rockerstar]

Loving that last line Simbad54.

[FathomFear]

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman.

 

A bit of a far off analogy, but if the glove fits...

 

It's a pretty horribly analogy because a fish is not an active participant. It's tricked by bait. I hope no one views dating that way.

[purple glow]

Most women want a guy that is confident and funny. They also like to be push-pulled, that is for a guy to shower them with attention, then cut them off for a bit, then come back and shower them with more attention. Push-pulling creates an emotional roller coaster and women are emotional creatures so it drives them wild.

 

I met one guy last year that was an absolute pro at this at work. He systematically went thru several female co-workers doing the same stunt. He acted confident and could make the room burst out with laughter. He would push-pull one girl at work, then show me a text he got from her that read "I think I'm falling for you" and then he'd laugh and call all women stupid. He said all women want to be dirty, you just have to give them a reason. He would openly flirt in the middle of office with women in silly ways too. The one line I remember was he turned to this super hot girl and asked if he she wanted to come over and see his Star Wars action figure collection. It made everyone laugh because the guy is like 6'5" and muscular, and thought of him playing with dolls is funny.

 

From my experience, you have to act like you are 12 years old. I do stupid stuff myself. One thing that gets a laugh a lot is to take my earbuds and wear them like a fu manchu, with my lips stuck out to hold them in place. Or I challenge them to a match of tic-tac-toe. I draw the grid on whatever is available, make my X, and slam it down like this is war. Then we talk trash back and forth about how we are going to win. I know how to make an origami inflatable ball out of a piece of paper. I get their name, ask them if they want to see a magic trick, then write it on the paper, make the ball, inflate it, and tell them to look inside. Usually they laugh and blush and keep the ball. Its just stupid stuff. Seems to work.

 

Most people, deep down inside, want to be 12 years old.

[Ariel85]

Yeah, Purple? You're working out of the playbook of The Pickup Artist (aka, How to be a Megadouche, and Only Attract Pathetic Women with No Self-Esteem).

 

The 12-year old thing? I didn't want to be 12 even when I was 12.

[Capricorn3]

They also like to be push-pulled, that is for a guy to shower them with attention, then cut them off for a bit, then come back and shower them with more attention. Push-pulling creates an emotional roller coaster and women are emotional creatures so it drives them wild.

 

From my experience, you have to act like you are 12 years old. .

I'm not sure what women you hang out with, but if any guy acted like a 12 year old, and played the "push-pull" games you describe I'd run the other way so fast you wouldn't see me for dust, lol. I prefer men who act like men and are adults, but that's just me, lol.

[FrogIsFree]

 

• How do women like to be approached when I guy is trying to meet, talk, and keep her attention?
   
  
• How do you know when a women is interested in you, or wants you to come talk to them?
   
  
• Or am I going about this all wrong?
   
  
• Should I just sit and be quiet and let them come talk to me?
  

 

The main thing as another poster said is to be yourself and be genuine - also, find your own style, don't think about how you are doing it right or doing it wrong.. work out your own style and use that to build confidence.

 

So to follow on from there being no exact right or wrong, I can only speak for me personally and say that what works for me if a guy likes me - answering each question you've asked in order - is for him to:

 

• Just start by saying hi, if he doesn't know me.
   
  
• Ask questions with the aim of finding out more about me - it is really endearing if a guy works hard to be utterly focused on me, not his ownnervousness.. Don't use dead end sentences ie that don't require an answer! Nothing more frustrating..!
   
  
• Be calm.. even if you don't feel it, act it, keep your feet still, don't keep walking when you try to talk to her, stop and give her plenty of time to answer..
   
  
• Be consistent eg say hi whenever you see her.. don't put your head down, ignore her - even out of nervousness (sorry, I know that's a bit demanding, but it's a major turn-off for me for a guy to seem inconsistent or hot and cold.. perhaps unintentionally, if it's nerves- but try to avoid it at all costs, if you can! ..)
   
  
• For me, if I like a guy I will keep looking at him and ignore all other guys in the room trying to get my attention!
   
  
• FGSake! DON'T sit quiet and expect her to come over and talk to you! She can only do so much, but the second you see her alone, say getting up to leave the room or get a drink or to get something from the other side of the room (you will have to fill in these gaps for your own particular situations) - find an excuse to approach her.. alone is the best time - I know it's hard to make it look casual but if it's a seating area sit close by so she is in your eye-line and you in hers, and just be confident when you get up and prepare what you want to say before you say it - it works so much better for me when a guy has a constructive idea in his head of what he wants to ask me.
   
  
• Throughout all of this - plenty of eye-contact! That's the only way I know for certain to give a guy a chance.. if he doesn't look at me, it puts doubts in my mind that he's certain about me.
  

[Starberry3]

Just notice who's looking at you, or who's solely ignoring you. For example, if someone looks at you once, then doesn't look at you any more, they just see you as a person. If they keep looking at you, they're interested. If they never look at you, don't bother.

 

When we're in sweats, don't come up to us, we will think that you only want one thing, and you KNOW what that is.

 

When we are wearing usual clothes, but our hair is obviously done. (ex: straightened and not flying everywhere) or if we're wearing our best clothes, then we're looking for a guy, usually.

[agatha]

I'd suggest - approach whenever, expecting nothing at all - expectations can only be reasonable AFTER you get to know the person a bit.

 

safest way to approach? 'hi, I'm .... and would like to get to know you, mind spending a few minutes?' one would be seriously damaged if answered it rudely, and then you'd know best than to want anything to do with her.

[FrogIsFree]

Any advice would help me out alot.

 

Thanks.

 

You know I would say one thing: I was reading through some forums today for guys looking for flirting and dating advice and the advice - get this! was by guys for guys?! - it was so lame!

 

As a woman reading those forums, I know what I would tell all the guys to do on there (except for I'd probably get in to a lot of bother for it! ..) but basically I would tell them to completely ignore all that advice and save a lot of money with all those supposed date prep' manuals (which made me cross, because they were geared towards making guys part with their money for useless `tips' & supposedly winning strategies and formulas'! grrrr) & simply ask women they aren't romantically interested in what works for them..!

 

I thought some more about this thread today, actually and it really came home to me how difficult it is for guys to get a girl/woman alone to ask her out on a date - away from her mates, his mates, colleagues, etc, - otherwise, it's ten times more hard work than I think it should be..in my opinion! & my answer is to:

 

find as legitimate a reason as possible to need to speak to her alone for a few minutes, initially, and/or preferably at a coffee shop nearby that she frequents or is where both of you hang out, work, study, etc then you have her undivided attention and can ask questions that require an answer that needs thinking about and the more she talks, the more she reveals, and the more you can pick up information from her to decide what question you can then ask to get even more detailed answers/information from her.. I know this sounds clinical, but it can actual be very casual, on basic topics about her own work or studies or social time and then you can make suggestions that have a question tagged on the end which set you up for another meet-up..!

I hope this helps.

[ProtestTheHero]

I think it's pretty invaluable to be able to get advice from someone who's been in your situation and has succeeded as a dude.

[FrogIsFree]

I think it's pretty invaluable to be able to get advice from someone who's been in your situation and has succeeded as a dude.

 

This thread is asking for advice from women, who know what works for them in terms of how the guy approaches and what he does, not the `dude'.. we know what will work, so the OP's question is more invaluable to me than a bunch of advice from guys who the OP can't be sure are being utterly truthful about their successes ie bragging to furnish their egos and who think their approach is awesome and has brought them success, when in reality they might have ended up with the occasional lucky freak break by accident, not because they were any good at approaching women ..they could be using the worst approaches but some girl felt sorry for him or was too drunk to care, etc, etc, so that doesn't automatically mean they are the best to give advice.. because the women in the majority might have thought their techniques and approaches sucked and overall they were really unsuccessful!

[galaxy71]

You know I would say one thing: I was reading through some forums today for guys looking for flirting and dating advice and the advice - get this! was by guys for guys?! - it was so lame!

 

The following advice is from a guy who has read plenty of 'lame' advice by guys for guys: .

 

As a woman reading those forums, I know what I would tell all the guys to do on there (except for I'd probably get in to a lot of bother for it! ..) but basically I would tell them to completely ignore all that advice and save a lot of money with all those supposed date prep' manuals (which made me cross, because they were geared towards making guys part with their money for useless `tips' & supposedly winning strategies and formulas'! grrrr) & simply ask women they aren't romantically interested in what works for them..!

 

I thought some more about this thread today, actually and it really came home to me how difficult it is for guys to get a girl/woman alone to ask her out on a date - away from her mates, his mates, colleagues, etc, - otherwise, it's ten times more hard work than I think it should be..in my opinion! & my answer is to:

 

find as legitimate a reason as possible to need to speak to her alone for a few minutes, initially, and/or preferably at a coffee shop nearby that she frequents or is where both of you hang out, work, study, etc then you have her undivided attention and can ask questions that require an answer that needs thinking about and the more she talks, the more she reveals, and the more you can pick up information from her to decide what question you can then ask to get even more detailed answers/information from her.. I know this sounds clinical, but it can actual be very casual, on basic topics about her own work or studies or social time and then you can make suggestions that have a question tagged on the end which set you up for another meet-up..!

I hope this helps.

 

There is a difference between what women say and what they do. Women say that they want to date some unattractive, social awkward, quiet guy who happens to be a good listener when in reality they want to date confident, high value guys who cares about his appearance. Women say they want to date the 300-pound nerd when in reality they want to date that tall, muscalar guy who is confident in social situations. Your advice implies that women want to date that quiet guy who asks question and question without ever revealing anything about himself. In reality, women date guys who are comfortable expressing themselves through such things as flirting, having opinions, telling stories and joking around. Your post completely misses the mark when it comes to the structure of conversation. Confident guys don't go up to women and start asking a billion questions. That's a one-way ticket to the friendzone.

 

I would have given you kudos if you posted about how male advice was more about tactics and techniques compared to authentic communication when people are keeping it real. I would have agreed with you if you talked about how guys are able to get into relationships everyday through normal conversation because they are able to express themselves. Instead of doing that, you talk about asking questions which is a shield that a lot of nice guys use that prevent them from expressing themselves. Instead of giving their opinion and connecting with the women, they ask these 'safe' questions because they don't want to get judged.

[FrogIsFree]

There is a difference between what women say and what they do.

 

Perhaps in your experience but `women' are individuals and you have not met every woman on the planet, so those statements are erroneous by virtue of this fact alone.

 

I mean what I say - perhaps that is honesty you have seldom encountered.. it sounds like it by the generalisation that women say and do x, y and z.. as if it were fact for every woman..!

 

In reality, women date guys who are comfortable expressing themselves through such things as flirting, having opinions, telling stories and joking around.

 

In your reality and again, this may be true for some women, maybe even a lot of women, I find those things uninteresting and childish - I like shy, emotional men who are challenges to understand and reach out to.. I am far from perfect myself (believe it or not.. Lol!), so I can empathise and enjoy the realness of exploring emotions and connecting and all the awkwardness of the process of exploring and discovering as part of building communication and trust and opening up and getting to know each other. I don't need a guy to be all perfect, have it wrapped up and act like a clown to impress me with stories and joking around.. you might not mean this but that's my experience of what you have written and it frankly makes me yawn.. it's so predictable!

 

- your a man! and that's only your opinion.. I don't need validation from you to say my answer is wrong or right, it is just right for me.

 

I would have given you kudos if you posted about how male advice was more about tactics and techniques compared to authentic communication when people are keeping it real.

 

I don't need your kudos, thanks all the same! ..I think you are missing the point entirely! All the techniques in the world won't work if he makes inauthentic conversation and is fake about.. No logic in your argument, to my mind..

 

I can agree to disagree with you, that's all.