thatdoggirl Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. We've lived together a year and a half (practically since we've been together). We're also expecting a little girl in April. I'm 34 weeks. Back in July before we found out that I was pregnant we kinda sort of talked about marriage a little bit and I was honest and told him how I really did want to get married and that ideally it would be on our 2 year anniversary which is in June. One day in September he took me to a store to look at rings and I had my eye set on one for one day when he could afford it. Then we did taxes this year and got a decent amount of money back and I brought up how now some of that money could be set aside for our rings. However, a few months ago he started making little comments here and there about how he wasn't in any rush to get married and that we could get married next year not this year. He didn't really say anything when i brought up about the rings and even one night I asked him about what kind of ring he would want and he was describing what he wants his to look like. But then when the money actually came in and I wanted to get the ring we had looked at he started making comments about how maybe I should spend that money on going back to school instead or that I should just hold on to the money and we could get the rings maybe next year. Etc. Then we had a huge argument one day over the whole thing and he knows how I feel and how it's important to me that I want that commitment and he knows how much I want my daughter to grow up under a family unit. I haven't really talked about it anymore but our relationship has kind of been bleh lately. Like we still live together and still together and he wants to be with me. He doesn't want to break up or anything but I just feel like now it's not the same to me because I'm kind of dissapointed that now he doesn't see any rush to get married. It's not a rush. We've been together for 2 years and I know some people that have met and married their partners after the time that we've been together. I don't really know what his real deal is for why he's holding back now and I don't want to bring it up anymore. He just comes up with little dumb excuses. I've kinda just decided to see how things go and continue to be together because it's important to me that my daughter have her father there in her life especially in the beginning but I just don't want to end up staying in this for a long time and regretting it down the road. I fear that we're just gonna wind up being together and living together and years will go buy and still know proper public commitment. I know to some people marriage is just a piece of paper but it means a whole lot more to me and I'm just not sure that it means the same thing to him. What do you all think? Link to comment
ny guy Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It's tough when someone doesn't tell you what the problem is. If he's coming up with dumb excuses, I'd venture to say that he's probably not sure himself what his deal is, and he could be trying to figure it out himself. The money aspect could be a big thing. How important are the rings for you? What kind of wedding are you expecting? It's possible that he's simply afraid of the monetary consequences that are about to come, and is afraid to spend money on rings. What kind of position are you both in? He's working, right? Is it a steady job? Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I've kinda just decided to see how things go and continue to be together because it's important to me that my daughter have her father there in her life especially in the beginning but I just don't want to end up staying in this for a long time and regretting it down the road. I fear that we're just gonna wind up being together and living together and years will go buy and still know proper public commitment. I know to some people marriage is just a piece of paper but it means a whole lot more to me and I'm just not sure that it means the same thing to him. What do you all think? is he committed to being with you? do you know his reasons for not being as inclined towards marriage as you are? maybe it's a simple communication gap? perhaps you could suggest to him that you'd like to talk about it...in a completely neutral way. like...''hey...i've been thinking about the marriage thing...and was wondering if we could set aside some time when we're both ready to work on understanding each other. i'd like to understand your perspective...your thoughts.'' perhaps if you can understand his perspective...the fear that you've mentioned won't be an issue? it's easy to make assumptions about what someone else is thinking...and get carried away by those thoughts. it can become very toxic in a relationship. the best remedy is understanding. perhaps he has some reasonable hangups about marriage? it could be nothing to do with committing to you on that level. i don't know if that makes sense. part of the joy of a relationship is working with your differences. it bridges gaps...and makes the connection stronger. Link to comment
hc_afifan Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I agree with the money comment. If he's worried about the money (which might be the case if he mentions wanting to save money for other things like going back to school), then maybe you need to lower your expectations of the wedding a little, or at least find a thriftier way of doing things. If you're not interested in the wedding very much, you could just go to the courthouse and have it done; if he doesn't agree to that, you might have bigger issues. I think that after living together for so long and expecting a baby together, you guys are almost married anyway, getting married is just one extra little step. If you talk about the financial concerns and work something out, and he STILL doesn't want to get married "right now," I'm sorry to say you might have to accept "right now" means "ever." Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It doesn't cost anything to get married. Turning it into a pricey circus is optional, including the rings. Consider the expenses he's afraid of taking on with a new baby, and decide whether you're willing to compromise on the wedding and symbolism in order to get the marriage. (These things are not all synonymous, and people forget that.) Congrats on your daughter! Link to comment
thatdoggirl Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 How important are the rings for you? What kind of wedding are you expecting? It's possible that he's simply afraid of the monetary consequences that are about to come, and is afraid to spend money on rings. What kind of position are you both in? He's working, right? Is it a steady job? The rings/wedding/etc isn't really that important to me. I mean it's a part of it yes but really I'd be happy just going into a courthouse and legally being married. I'm not the type of girl that cares about the fancy weddings and material sort of mumbo jumbo. The ring money was money set aside after I set aside some more emergency expenses and whatnot. He is working under the table but with a good guy that pays him $10 an hour and when he's not working with him he does all sorts of odd jobs for old ladies and works with another friend doing house cleanouts, snow removal, and lawns sometimes. The jobs he has now have been more stable then anything I've seen in the past 2 years and I've seen him make a lot of progress since we first got together. When we were first together there was a lot of stuff he didn't have together in his life and he's come really far since then. He's been behind on child support from a previous relationship and he had been fired and unemployed for 2 years and then here recently he's gotten all of that back in order and pays on child support a decent amount and he's always paid his half of bills and he's finally gotten his lisense back from child support because of his job now and really just finally his independence and stuff. So now it seems like there is nothing to hold him back. I was going to school and working and then over the past year and a half I switched jobs to daycare and my financial aid got kind of messed up and then I got pregnant so I'm holding off on school but going back this summer just one class at a time for now. is he committed to being with you? do you know his reasons for not being as inclined towards marriage as you are? maybe it's a simple communication gap? Overall he's been committed to being with me. He lives with me and been with me every night pretty much. He seems committed and all to the relationship. He's pretty set on the idea that he's going to be there for me and our daughter and he doesn't want to break up because one night when we had a fight he wanted to stay together so I think he is determined to make it work. The only reasons he's given me about not getting married is that he doesn't want to "rush" anything. I've tried not to make a big thing and don't bring it up very much but then when all of a sudden he acted that way about finally being able to get the rings and saying things to steer away from getting them it really kind of hurt because I had it in my mind that once it was affordable that he'd want to get them because of how he took me in the first place months ago to look at the ring. Then when we had a fight about the whole thing he made up the excuse that I don't cook and clean enough but this doesn't make sense to me as a reason to not get married if he and I can nitpick all day at little things we wish we both did more often or whatever. It's not even what marriage is about. I also explained to him that I do try and help out more around the house but with my work hours and other things in my day it's hard to do them when he would ideally like them to be done. For example he's big on dishes and likes to do them right after dinner and I work in daycare from late morning into the evening and when I get home I'm exhausted especially with being pregnant it's just more exhaustion as of lately. I wouldn't mind doing dishes in the morning but he just gets impatient and goes ahead and does them after dinner. PLUS.. he gets home an hour or two before me and starts making dinner before I get home so I don't really have time to make dinner. And he likes to butt in the kitchen and stuff when I'm cooking and stuff so I don't like to cook unless I'm making it when he's not bugging me. LOL. I try to realistically explain how I would help out more if he'd let me on my time but he doesn't get it. When I do help out more I don't feel like he really notices that much either but atleast I try whenever I see stuff that I can do that I know makes him happy. Still... I don't get how that has to do with why he won't marry me. I still want to get married even though he doesn't always do the things that I'd love for him to do ALL the time. You know what I mean? That's why I feel like that one is just a dumb excuse he came up with recently. Link to comment
thatdoggirl Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Oh yeah.. the going back to school thing is nice that he thinks about but he's not the one going back to school and I plan on going back to school because my goal is to get my 2 year degree and then go for a bacholers in education. I'm just not in the position to do it ALL right now and plus with the baby on the way I'm going to want to focus on her and get all my priorities together. I plan on paying out of pocket to take a class at a time starting this summer. But him bringing that up to use it towards MY schooling instead of getting OUR rings was insulting to me because it's like all these little things all of a sudden he is expecting out of me or something when he never seemed to concerned before. I don't like the idea that all of a sudden there are these expectations out of nowhere when I have been pretty successful with the little accomplishments I've made on my own so far. So I just don't get it when I don't expect all these crazy things out of him. I'm happy and support of him that he is earning decent money now and that he feels better because now he pays his bills much easier and when he has money he feels more secure. Ugh. And I'm gonna stop because I feel like I am babbling. LOL Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 since you two are not in the best financial situation, it doesn't make a lot of sense to blow a lot of money on a wedding and rings. you two can talk about doing something more simple - like exchanging simple gold bands, going to the courthouse, and then going out for lunch afterwards. nothing wrong with that and you will be completely married. Link to comment
RedDress Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I don't think it's a money thing, to be honest. I think it's a "not ready" thing. Especially since he was nitpicking and talking about dishes and stuff... Personally, I wouldn't push him on it. Marriage is important to me too... but do you really want him to marry you because he feels he HAS to in order to be with you and your child? Or do you want him to marry you because he loves you, he's committed to you and he just wants to? One path leads to resentment, the other leads to full, true commitment. He's not ready. No amount of pushing, cajoling, convincing, complaining, etc. will make him ready. Honestly? I think if you keep quiet about it, he will come around. He knows where you stand. He was thinking about it himself. Now let him come to the conclusion he needs to on his own... In two years, if he hasn't said/done anything, bring it up again. Won't your daughter make a beautiful flower girl? Link to comment
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