Just found out she's a lot older than what she said

[quatre03]

I've been "with" a woman, I guess you could say, for a while now. I met her online through a Role Playing game. That was in October of last year. Our characters that we played as started to get interested in each other, but, of course, that led to us really being attracted to each other. We started talking a lot, and fell in love with each other. The thing is, she told me then that she was 31. I was 18 then. Each of us have had out b-days since then, which would have made her 32 and me 19. It took me a while to get used to the idea, but we are so much alike and got along so well.

 

She is married, although she now hates her husband and has been trying to get a divorce. She also has two kids. A 13 year old boy and an 11 year old girl.

 

Last night, she told me that she was actually older than what she told me. I was shocked, but I guess I sort of understood why she had lied. Apparently that was what she told everyone, even at work.

 

She was too afraid to tell me, though. But, today, she told me... she is 25 yeard older than me. Meaning she's 44.

 

To say the least, I am shocked... my mind is spinning. I keep telling myself, she is still the same person, she hasn't changed. But, this is so unexpected. I listen to her crying, and I feel awful. I feel so shallow. But, I can't lie and say that this doesn't affect me at all.

 

I just don't know what to do... I want to just ignore it, I guess. My mind is spinning, and I can barely even think. Can anyone just give me some reassurance?? Anything?

[quatre03]

Oh, and we haven't met yet in person, although we have talked about it a lot.

[Tinkerbell]

I'm sorry but I don't think it's possible to be in love with someone whom you've never even met, you don't even know if the two of you will have any chemistry or if the sparks will fly. I don't agree with what she did to you, lying to you for such a long time is completely unacceptable, especially since the two of you were engaged in a "cyber relationship." If her real age was the one she originally stated I would think that this would cause problems mainly because you are both at different points in your lives, but now that she's even OLDER than that I find it hard to believe this could work. Besides, she's married for goodness sake, she shouldn't be involved with anyone but her husband, whether it be cyber or not. How can you know for sure that you're the only "second man" in her life? I really think you should re-think this whole thing first, not only is she lying to her husband, but she lied to you as well. This woman is old enough to be your mother, perhaps it would be better if the two of you just remained friends.

[quatre03]

You know, I asked for help. That isn't it. Don't you think I've thought of ALL this already???

 

Also, I don't appreciate you talking that way about her, suggesting there are other guys that she's with, besides me. You do not know her, so do not pass judgement.

[Tinkerbell]

Sorry to break it to you hunny but you don't know her either. And what exactly did you want me to say? I'm telling you I've known couples who have age-gap relationships of only a few years and even THEY couldn't make it work. If your mind is already made up about her than why did you bother posting? I'm sorry that my logical answer has offended you, but it's only normal to assume that if she's "cheating" on her husband than she may be cheating on you as well. If you want to pursue a relationship with her than go ahead, nobody's stopping you, just becareful. Wait until after the divorce before becoming more involved with her because I don't think her husband would be at all pleased to discover the two of you together.

[Meow18]

I totally agree with Tinkerbell. This woman lied to you. She was dishonest to you from the beginning, it makes me wonder what else she was dishonest about.

 

I also don't believe you can fall in love without actually meeting in person. People you meet online always seem so perfect, but the thing is, how do you know that they are truly being themselves online? I mean, you can be any one you want to be online.You learned that one the hard way when finding out she's older than she said she was. Its obvious that she doesn't like the person she is, otherwise she would have been confident to tell you her real age from the beginning. I'm not saying that its not possible to meet your soulmate online, but the thing is, you already know she lied to you about herself, so you already know that she wasn't who you thought.

 

She has a husband. Whether she truly hates him, or completely loves him, she shouldn't be doing what she's doing. She's cheating on him. He is her husband & the day they got married, was the day they promised themselves to each other. If she can't be loyal to her husband, how can she be loyal to anyone else? There's no excuse for cheating.

 

Nobody can really give you any reasurrance & tell you that she's still the same person even though she's actually older than she said. Basically the fact that she lied to you about her age & kept that lie going for as long as it did makes me wonder, & probably even else as well, what other small things do you think she has lied about? I can't say she is still the same person, she may not be who she says she is.

 

Its up to you though. Can you trust her after learning that she kept this lie going for so long? Do you honestly think she is still the same person? You need to think about what you think, its not about what others have to say about it. Basically just ask yourself if you can forgive her for lying & accept that she's much older.

[quatre03]

I came here expecting to get just a little reasurance, because I thought there would be some people with good advice. All I've read so far is ignorance. I won't read any more, so don't bother replying... unless you know of a better forum.

[Tinkerbell]

It's a shame that just because you don't like what someone has to say you label it as "ignorance;" don't be expecting to get any "good" advice anywhere with that attitude.

[RayKay]

I came here expecting to get just a little reasurance, because I thought there would be some people with good advice. All I've read so far is ignorance. I won't read any more, so don't bother replying... unless you know of a better forum.

 

If you already have your mind made up, than you are not going to listen to anyone else anyway. What the others are stating are facts: SHE IS MARRIED. SHE HAS CHILDREN THAT ARE NOT THAT MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU. HER FIRST PRIORITY SHOULD BE HER FAMILY. SHE DID LIE TO YOU. If you were fine with the lie, than that is fine, but the fact remains she IS married, and that she is getting emotionally involved with someone other than her husband, and that IS cheating. Interfering in a marriage is no lighthearted matter, and I am sorry that you cannot see it that way. Go look at the infidelity forum to see the hurt there. To be honest, I don't care about the age thing at all right now, it is the fact she is MARRIED that is the big NO NO.

[Meow18]

Wow, sorry for just being logical. I'm only trying to help you get through this.

 

Maybe I am ignorant, I mean I don't know the whole story, but I'm not judging her. I'm just giving my advice from what I know. Maybe you should explain more about how what she's doing is not cheating, or how maybe she isn't possibly lying about anything else.

 

Sorry me & Tinkerbell have let you down. We were just trying to give you our best advice. If you think that there is nothing wrong with what she's doing, then why did you ask in the first place? Did you honestly think we would just sit back & say "oh she's not lying about anything else, you have known her for so long, the fact that she lyed about her age isn't that big of a deal. Everyone lies to their loved ones, right??"

 

We didn't say that because its not true. It seems like you think everything is perfect, so why do you need to be reassured? Age is just a number, just because she is way older, doesn't mean she isn't capable of being loved or loving another.

[bzborow1]

I agree with the Royal Member and Moderator...lol.

 

But even if you disregard age there are a couple warning flags. The first one is that she lied to you about her age. The second and most important is that she's willing to cheat on her husband with you. Even IF she decided to leave him for you (which she won't), I'd have real trouble trusting her...after all, if she can do it with you, she can do it to you.

 

To insult ppl's opinions and treat them as though they have no idea what's going on is showing both immaturity and ignorance on your part. What did u expect ppl to say? Sure, a woman 25 yrs older then you wants to cheat on her husband with you and she's a perfect girl to get into a relationship with? It's just are oppinions and you can disregard them all you want...but be warned...

[hurtabandoned]

I know what it's like to be lied to as well. My husband lied to me about an affair he was having. He not only lied to me but lied to the other woman as well. At first he claimed he was divorced. He told her how miserable he was and how terrible I was...blah, blah, blah. The usual, you're probably hearing some of the same stuff.

 

I hate to say this, but if she is planning on anything other than friendship with you then she is really going to hurt her family. My husband nearly destroyed our family. I went through hell after finding out. My story is in the infidelity section also. (In the end, he is with me, the truth was I never was as terrible as he was claiming.)

 

I'm sure that it's difficult for you to come to terms with the fact that she has not told you the truth. Take some time to think about it. Think carefully about the people that can be affected that you don't know.

[sayer7]

If you just wanted people to give you support, go to a forum where they only give support- but I guess you like people lying to you.

 

This is a place to express our honest opinions. Our honest opinions may be right or wrong... you may agree with them or disagree with them, but it's always good to consider and face BOTH sides of the issue.

 

I wouldn't call us ignorant-- just honest. You on the other hand are blissfully ignorant and even worse- lying to yourself about the situation. We're here to try to help you out because you posted something that you seemed to have an issue with-- but if you're happy with your situation and have no issues with a woman that outright lied to you for so long, why did you come here to post?

 

No wonder you're so willing to look over her lie when you can't even see the hypocrisies in your own statements.

[Francis]

I think it is very possible to fall in love with a person who is much older or younger than yourself and you may also be very compatible with the person.

 

However, everybody has the right to make a free and informed choice with respect to their partners, and the fact that she did not tell you her age and ALSO lied to her whole office, is not a very good sign.

 

On the other hand, she could have continued the lie forever and never tell you. In what circumstances did she decide to tell you the truth: were you planning to meet each other? were you about to exchange pictures? In other words, was she forced to tell you the truth before you find out or did she do so on her own volition?

 

It seems that you are very much infatuated with this person : the question is, if she leaves her husband, are you willing to be the father of her children? Are you willing to work for them and to assume such responsibility without any regrets?

 

Usually, they say an age-gap relationship is a no-no because one of the partners, usually the youngest eventually leaves the relationship for someone younger. However, there are age-gap relationships that work very well. It is up to you to chose to stay with her.

 

Be careful, though, you don't really know this person. What is going on with her husband? You know she is a cheater, but may be she made a mistake and may be he even coerced her into the relationship. But be very careful : she may not be the person you are in love with, but an egotistic and manipulative woman.

 

I would say : if you really have feelings for her, you should try to imagine all the possible future consequences in your life and try to think whether you can deal with them.

 

Take care!

[quatre03]

Ok, I'm only responding to this because I wanted to delete the whole thing, but can't. So... she told me her real age because she loves me and doesn't want to lie to me. We have already exchanged pictures and seen each other on webcam. She didn't lie to the people at work, they assumed her age. She told me that she asked a couple of them how old they thought she was, and all of them said 30's. Yes, we had planned to meet, but we didn't have anything really decided. But, even if we had, she could have easily gotten away with not telling me the truth. But, she did.

 

I do have feelings for her, and I have thought about the future. But, nothing is concrete right now. In relationships, if you worry too much about the future, it only ruins the present.

 

Btw, she isn't egotistical at all... nor is she manipulative... in truth, she is actually pretty insecure at times.

 

I say that some of you are ignorant, but then I am called ignorant and immature, which I then turn around and say that you are ignorant and immature for saying that. I say that because it seems that you base your "advice" on your experiences. You can't look at someone esle's new situation, and give advice, while still recognizing that you do not know everything about that situation. Some of the things you all have said sounds like you think you know everything there is to know... but, the truth is so far from it. Perhaps you do not actually think that... but, that's how it comes off.

 

I am done now, I will not come here any longer. I asked for reasurrance, and got nothing but the exact opposite, and worse... the woman I love was insulted. I do not feel the need to defend myself to you all. But, I do hope that what I have to say will reach someone else in my situation who has received nothing but scorn and hate, and they will see that they are not alone.

[Scout]

People, I suggest we not bother to post any more replies to this poster's situation. There are other posters out there who are in serious need of advice - not attention, as I suspect is the case with this poster.