Life in the Driver's Seat

[Seraphim]

I am so excited about 80% of the snow has melted away! You can hear birds singing in the sunshine ,rabbits are about and hey I even saw bug yesterday!

[redrose85]

Yay! It is spring here, but we’re still getting light frost in the morning. Hoping I didn’t transplant things too early!

[Seraphim]

Oh my God Sherry I never want to go through another winter like that again!

 

What plants did you plant?

 

We can never plant until after 24 May. We can still get snow up until around that period.

 

My mom has some beautiful hostas and snowballs that I'm going to halve and bring up to my place. I planted some hostas last year too. I will have to see what comes up this spring.

[Seraphim]

I had a few half an hour naps today. That really does a lot to dispel that dreamlike foggy state. Plus because I was such a wreck I had a whole pill last night. And today of course I feel hung over as hell. That is one thing about this medication it leaves you feeling so hung over it's unbelievable.

[redrose85]

Planted some broccoli, walla walla onions, rainbow chard, and garlic. I figured we were done with frost, but we're not. In the fall I planted carrots, radishes, and tomatoes. In terms of flowers, most are perennials now, but I did plant some red and white "Oh Canada" tulip mix, and some daffodils. The bulbs of my lilies have popped up to the surface, so I am trying to decide what to do with them...

 

My Mom had given me some hostas but it was just too hot in our yard for them and they died. It's full sun, so things like lettuce and spinach are too delicate, unless we devise some sort of roof for them that can help to detract the heat.

[Seraphim]

Planted some broccoli, walla walla onions, rainbow chard, and garlic. I figured we were done with frost, but we're not. In the fall I planted carrots, radishes, and tomatoes. In terms of flowers, most are perennials now, but I did plant some red and white "Oh Canada" tulip mix, and some daffodils. The bulbs of my lilies have popped up to the surface, so I am trying to decide what to do with them...

 

My Mom had given me some hostas but it was just too hot in our yard for them and they died. It's full sun, so things like lettuce and spinach are too delicate, unless we devise some sort of roof for them that can help to detract the heat.

 

Yeah see my front yard is shaded. So I planted my hotas there. But my backyard is full sun. But we don't really get to enjoy our backyard because of the neighbour's kids. And it will be even worse this year because they got a full-grown huge ass pit bull. It snarls when you even come out of your house. And when you try to have a picnic outside all the kids do is badger you for food. And I know they're not hungry because I see their mother feed them all the time. They have just never been taught that is not polite to ask.

[Seraphim]

That was such a lovely hour of solitude in the Adoration chapel. I prayed for my dad and all those who are mentally ill and I prayed for my brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. And I prayed for a girlfriend whose son won't let her see her grandson. And I prayed for a friend who's grandson died. Thanked God for everyday I wake up. And I thanked God for all my successes and failures and suffering. I asked him to forgive me for my sins of anger and judgment.

 

And it was wonderful just to spend that hour alone just me and God.

[Seraphim]

How I'm so glad thank you God I feel normal today! And I had a normal tiredness last night and fell asleep normally. It is hard for me to explain what is not a normal falling asleep and what is a normal falling asleep. They are just so different.

 

The march of time is just so fast lately. It is strange but I can envision whole years. I can see the whole calendar in my mind. The older you get the faster that march goes.

 

On Friday at the opening game of the Blue Jays my husband is one of the people who gets a hold the Canadian flag again.

 

Then my son and my husband are going together to the Saturday game for some male bonding time.

[Seraphim]

Isn't it funny how emotion shapes our reactions to places. Take for instance Vancouver ,British Columbia, one of the most beautiful places in all the world. Yet I would never go back there. I experienced all kinds of brutal horrible childhood neglect and abuse there. And it has coloured how I feel about the whole place. The only reason I would go back there would be to show it to my son and my husband who have never been there.

 

Yet one province over I love that province. I experienced some of the most blissfully happy moments of my childhood in Medicine Hat ,Alberta in the 1970s. Even typing it out has made me burst into tears for happiness and how I want to go back there one day. I want to take my son there and show him where his mother was a happy happy kid.

 

My mother always wants me to take him East where she's from where she feels it is so beautiful. But I want him to go West young man go West.

 

I want him to see all of his beautiful country. I saw my country in so many ways when I was young by car, by train and by plane. We probably cross the country at least 20 times by car alone.

 

It is something I feel the need to do with him and for him.

[Seraphim]

In May my husband is going to " the Peg".

[Seraphim]

Tonight we are going to see the movie Noah. All 3 of us.

[Seraphim]

Dear God my dad is out of the funny farm and staying with my cousin. And the operative word is MY cousin. She is my cousin on my mother's side. I have told her once before but I don't appreciate her and my dad having a father daughter relationship. She gets treated better than I do. Apparently I guess she doesn't give a frog's fat ass how I feel and nor does my dad. He always uses this cousin to poke at me and pissed me off.

[redrose85]

It’s opposite for me. Alberta is tainted because of the terrible year out there with the terrible ex, and BC holds all the best memories.

 

Let her have a “relationship” with him. He’s probably just using her to get under your skin.

[Seraphim]

He uses her because she is a victim. She has suffered the worst abuse of any human being I know. She is anorexic and agoraphobic and has no will for confrontation whatsoever. He sponges off her like a parasite. He uses her because she can be used. I can't be used and that's why he hates me. And I have called a spade a spade and he doesn't like that either. And I defend my mother and he really hates me for that. And I am the B daughter of that B woman.

 

And yes he knows that that bugs me like nothing else. And it irritates me because she has her dad and my dad. And they both think that their pathetic victim status is going to make me forgive them.

[Seraphim]

My father is pure parasite and has been all his life. He has rooked every human being he has ever come accross, mooched off them ,lied to them ,stole from them abused them. He is one of the sickest people I know.

 

He has actually told my mother many times that he loves working people over. He loves setting them up to fight against each other. He loves causing people emotional pain it actually gives him a sexual high to do that.

 

 

And people worry if I'm being kind enough to him. REALLY PEOPLE?

[Seraphim]

People expect too much from me. HERE IS A NEWS FLASH: I AM NOT PERFECT. I never claimed to be perfect. Let me be upset, let me be flawed ,let me be HUMAN. And if you can't do that for me in this time of MY need please leave me alone.

[Seraphim]

And how many people would have mercy if they were betrayed like I was? Would you have mercy if you took your whole family away from you? I don't have my cousins on my mother's side because he took away that family. He took my mother's brother's family and destroyed them by shacking up with their mother. And he abused my cousins. One of my younger cousins he stole her identity stole her identity!!! He took out credit cards in her name when she was 10 years old. So her credit was a mess until she was 30 years old. He locked my disabled cousin in his room all the time. And why did he do these things ?I will tell you why . He wanted revenge against my mother. Because my mother had the nerve to not love him anymore and not want to look after him anymore. She had the nerve after 30 years to not want to be abused anymore.

 

And the fact that he starved me ,did not provide medical care ,did not provide dental care ,did not provide clothing ,did not provide food. He protected his rapist brother instead of me!!! He destroyed evidence so a child rapist could escape justice. So he would not get in trouble and his brother would not get in trouble.

 

And y'all want me to be overflowing in mercy. Because he's just a poor victim of mental illness. BULL SHYTE!

 

He is a freaking wrecking ball of human misery.

[Seraphim]

I am mad and I have a damned right to be mad.

[Seraphim]

Both my brother and I agree it was a dark day in hell when our parents met. And we both agree our father never should've had children. We should've never existed.

 

My mother married pure evil. And my father's family is pure evil. After my father is gone I will never admit to being part of that family, ever.

[Seraphim]

After my father is gone I'm going to legally change my maiden name to my mother's maiden name.

[Seraphim]

I would rather have the last name of a man who actually cared about me and loved me. My mother's father's last name. I was his princess and he loved me to death.

[Seraphim]

I don't want to volunteer today but I have to. I saw my boss at the movies last night and told her I would be there today. I don't want to go because I don't want to have to deal with the witchy hag I have to work with. The same workplace bully.

[Seraphim]

After my father is gone I'm going to legally change my maiden name to my mother's maiden name.

 

Okay ,so I might not do that! I can't even imagine how many documents I would have to change. Pensions RRSPs passports my birth certificate etc etc...

[Cheetarah]

I don't know who is telling you that you have no right to be mad or you have to forgive because he's your father/because he's mentally ill...But whoever is, has no place to tell you how to feel about that. Yes, of course you are angry, resentful and feeling like you are unwilling to keep giving him free passes because he's mentally ill. Of course you are entitled to those feelings, and of course you are entitled to be HUMAN and have difficulties forgiving - Or maybe not even forgiving at all! You are entitled to feel the way you feel.

[Kaytie]

I don't know who is telling you that you have no right to be mad or you have to forgive because he's your father/because he's mentally ill...But whoever is, has no place to tell you how to feel about that. Yes, of course you are angry, resentful and feeling like you are unwilling to keep giving him free passes because he's mentally ill. Of course you are entitled to those feelings, and of course you are entitled to be HUMAN and have difficulties forgiving - Or maybe not even forgiving at all! You are entitled to feel the way you feel.

 

Exactly. If someone doesn't validate your feelings Vic, then ignore them. Nobody has lived your life and experienced what you've experienced with him. People can offer their opinions if you ask, but you are always allowed to feel how you feel. Period. That should never be minimized.