Seraphim Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 I think what had me so upset about last night was the fact that I felt my intelligence and integrity and abilities were purposely insulted. I don't like it. Before I might have backed down and been less confrontational. Not anymore. I stick up for myself. You want a go at me I am going to stick it back in your face. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 Ha ha I found out that my vet took them home and couldn't stand it and brought them back to her vet office. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Is it just because they are so young? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 My husband found a kitty behind his tire at a store when he lived in his homestate. It was a kitten that he took in. That cat wrecked his place. He put the kitty in his bathroom with everything she would need while he was gone and he was reported for the cat crying. It would chew on the door corners, scratch up his furniture, overall just a little terror. The last straw for him was when he got up for a second from his table when he was having cereal and came back to find the kitten drinking the milk out of the bowl, lol!! He found a little girl and a mom that wanted the cat so the cat still went to a good home. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 Is it just because they are so young? While they are not too too young they are seven months old. They are like cats high on meth or something. Lol. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 Never take your medication an hour late. The physical dependency rears its head like an ugly monster. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I hope you are feeling better today Vic!! Your twins are adoorrrrabbblleeee!! Reminds me of TWO of my old girl. Look just like her. Aw yes, there is a special place in my heart for black cats now. lol. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I am doing better today, yes. I am just going to let it go. They are adorable but they are a PITA too..........LOL. They kept me awake until 3 AM last night running about and causing a rucous. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Oh gawd, I can imagine! lol. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 The vit D is giving me more energy and happiness. I notice a difference with even 2 doses. I suffer so bad from lack of vit D. Do you ever feel you are wasting your time helping people? UGH it is just an ugly feeling tonight. I always felt it was my "calling" given to me by God. But if you are "not productive" what is the use. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Stop it, woman. Really honey, years of doing your thing, ONE comment, and you're going to think you're wasting your time? Thick skin! Get! Not everyone is going to appreciate you. Some will resent you, dislike and even hate you and what you do. But that's not why you're doing it, you're not earning brownie points, you're doing YOUR THING. YOURS. Do it. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Sure, I've felt like that. And me too, pretty much feel one of the big reasons for being is to help others. Times like that I remember folks in my life who are sort of like heroes to me. Heroes dont quit. This one lady, she works continually in so many avenues. Well anyways, when I was volunteering at this community center with her, she organized a huge event to raise money. It FLOPPED HARD. I felt awful for her. She worked super hard, put her heart in it, so did I, so did many others. But it just bombed. But after that night? She wasn't too happy of course, with how it worked out. But the next day, she's talking of new ideas and new things she is going to work on. Things like that. I remember. She did and does make a huge difference. HUGE. one blip is all it was. Think the same goes for you. You do make a difference. This is just a blip, an off night. If it's part of who you are, not like this is gonna stop you. You'll have to keep going. And you will. You are entitled too to have moments where, it is all about you. No shame in that! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah it is MY THING. It is who I am not what I do. It is WHO I AM. I think that is why I take it so very personally. Because it is the very core of who I AM. If I did not give a crap about helping people I would not be bothered by what was said. Eh I do feel better than yesterday but it takes me a few days to fully get over something. Then the same person can not hurt me again. I forgive them but I close them off from my essence. It just really bothers me when you felt someone liked you and you find out they really don't even if they are not a big part of your life. I have always had problems with people striking at my essence because people have made such vital strikes at me. So it is like an over reaction. You know? And it is why I let so very very very little people near me, to get in close because they then have the ability to brutalize me. You know, it is like those kids that made fun of me for being abused. It brings me back to that level of angry and betrayal. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Oh for sure. I will keep going. It is just a momentary kick that is all. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 That makes a lot of sense to me Vic. A lot of sense. Strikes a lot of chords with me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 That makes a lot of sense to me Vic. A lot of sense. Strikes a lot of chords with me. Yup, once your trust has been violently brutalized in the past it is hard to not over react when a present slight is small. It brings you out the present and into the past. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I feel though as long as I stand up for myself, something I could not do when I was small, it is a huge leap now. I just defend, and try my utmost not to strike back. My mother has always told me no matter what happens to you you DO NOT take it out on others. I do not care what your problem is. You have some grace. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yup, once your trust has been violently brutalized in the past it is hard to not over react when a present slight is small. It brings you out the present and into the past. Yeah, that is really true. I've described it as that it takes me longer to process emotions sometimes. Like with the bf. He'll be way done with something, and I'm just coming around to resolving it. At least we have awareness of our sensitivities. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah, that is really true. I've described it as that it takes me longer to process emotions sometimes. Like with the bf. He'll be way done with something, and I'm just coming around to resolving it. At least we have awareness of our sensitivities. Yes, it sometimes takes me a while to process. That is exactly it. Because I have to identify what are present emotions and what are past ones. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 It depends on how you define defending yourself...or how useful it is...Like, I don't defend myself to A as in, try to negate what he's saying. It will not work. He doesn't care what I have to say. He wants to believe what he wants to believe. I waste my energy to say "No, you've got it wrong, no no no you bad dog" The only thing I do in the ways of defense is try to protect my boundaries from being squashed. But my instinctive reaction, when people do things like this...I am like, RAWR. I see red. If I was still an impulsive person, I would lash back. Instead, I think about it. I fantasize about saying rude crap for a few hours. I complain. I lick my wounds...I might even cry a little, because I'm very sensitive. I think about old wounds, too like you do. I cry some more. Then I think, what the hell am I doing... The great great great thing...Is you DO have the means to protect yourself!! SO, you don't need those super heavy defensive armors anymore. I'm not saying, bare your soul to the people who would prey on it like vultures - But you've got much, much more efficient ways of dealing with things now. I'm not saying I'm efficient. I mean, look at that up there(lol). But, it's better. It's better than it was. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Well I have a marshmellow heart at the centre very much so. But I will be damned if someone is going to call me self serving when I have given my entire life to other so much to exclusion of myself that my counsellor feels it is almost criminal. Then to be called self serving. Oh HELL NO! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for talking about this openly Vic. It feels good to have someone who understands this to talk to again. So much of life is spent either trying to compensate for it/deal with it privately/go about business and not want to make it a huge focus...but there is something about simply letting it all hang out that feels really good and natural. It was a big step for me to post my story. Even here on an online forum, I didn't want people to know that particular part of my story. I didn't want people to filter me that way. Because that doesn't have to do with my essence - essence, great word! - it is something that happened to me. Well anyways sorry to make this about me at all. This is your journal! Just wanted to express my appreciation for your candidness and sharing. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks for talking about this openly Vic. It feels good to have someone who understands this to talk to again. So much of life is spent either trying to compensate for it/deal with it privately/go about business and not want to make it a huge focus...but there is something about simply letting it all hang out that feels really good and natural. It was a big step for me to post my story. Even here on an online forum, I didn't want people to know that particular part of my story. I didn't want people to filter me that way. Because that doesn't have to do with my essence - essence, great word! - it is something that happened to me. Well anyways sorry to make this about me at all. This is your journal! Just wanted to express my appreciation for your candidness and sharing. Thank you too. Both you and Cheet also help me so much in this regard. Yes, it is hard when people don't "get it". Yes, it is a part of us and always will be, but it is not all we are. I try to be candid as I can and I tell my story of being sexually abused because so many women and girls suffer in needless silence. " Sounds of Silence like a cancer grows" Right? It can only continue if we are silent. My voice was taken away as a child but I will darned well have a voice now. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I for one, appreciate your being candid. For the rest of us who maybe worked through it but want to leave it back there now, except sometimes it crops up and the isolation drives you mad, or for those who can't find their voice. Thank you. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I relate to this too. lol. Rawwwrrrr. I had a flash of red today at someone who has little impact in my life - just because. Just because they hit a button for me. I'm grateful I'm not at a "attack and think later" mode anymore. I used to be. You wized up quicker than me! haha. awesome post. Link to comment
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