A little worried and sad.

[mark4]

Hi...

 

This is my first post here and mainly i'm seeking some help because who I think of as the love of my life has decided to break up with me a few weeks ago.

 

We started off going on occasional dates for 2 years getting to know each other and then when the time was right we got together as BF/GF 3 years ago.

 

We had our ups and downs the relationship was perfect at the start I did everything for her that I could. We were extremely happy and saw each other as partners for life. Things started to go not so well about 1 year ago and she became quite a negative person and the relationship became a little miserable. We had a major argument about it and I decided to break up with her because she was making me unhappy.

 

A few weeks later we spoke and she promised me the world that she would change and make me happy again. I agreed and we got back together and she did make changes and everything was good again. It was a great decision and everything was going fine until a few weeks ago.

 

She went out with her friends and I woke up at 3am and she normally would have text by then to let me know she was home. I was a little worried so tried to call her. No answer. Next thing my landline calls - to my horror my parents answer. She was completely out of it and didnt know what she was doing. she was sending total rubbish to my phone in messages that didnt make sense and she even called the landline again and spoke to my parents which got them really angry.

 

The next day I was really angry and went really mad at her for doing that. She was saying sorry but little else. The next day she decided to tell me she wanted space from me, and from there that has led to a total break up.

 

I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all. She means everything to me and I have begged her to come back into my life because I havent been able to eat, sleep or smile properly since it happened.

 

I feel really lonely and I'm worried about by future now because all of the plans we had have gone. We had a holiday booked and we have had to cancel it. I'm totally devastated.

 

It's really hard because I had my heart set on her, I dont want anyone else. I dont want to be on my own. All I want is to be her boyfriend again. Why dont I deserve a second chance like I gave her? It's so unfair. Sometimes that thought makes me angry and I have sent her some pretty harsh messages which later I totally regret and apologize for.

 

I'm finding myself sending her message after message and hardly getting a response ever to any of them. But sometimes I do and it builds up my hopes and then it comes crashing back down when I ask for and denied another chance.

 

My eye has been twitching for 3 weeks I think its because of the stress. I'm so so gutted. Totally devastated I have lost the love of my life.

 

Where do I go from here? I cry alot at the moment.... I'm really sensitive I want so much to be strong and get on with it. In reality I am weak. This girl is like everything to me, my whole world. Now she is gone and it seems so easy for her. When she broke up with me I was really angry and sent quite a lot of bad text messages which I regret I was just so annoyed at how she could do this to me.

 

I cant change the past, or her mind. I just need some help because i'm notr coping very well and feel depressed without her.

 

The only way I feel like it would go away is if she came back to me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Next thing my landline calls - to my horror my parents answer. She was completely out of it and didnt know what she was doing. she was sending total rubbish to my phone in messages that didnt make sense and she even called the landline again and spoke to my parents which got them really angry.

 

The next day I was really angry and went really mad at her for doing that. She was saying sorry but little else. The next day she decided to tell me she wanted space from me, and from there that has led to a total break up.

 

It sounds to me like she got drunk or high or something and made all these nonsensical contacts in the middle of the night. You already had to break up with her once over her negativity and unhappiness. Rather than chase after her, why not count your lucky stars that you are no longer with someone who clearly doesn't have her act together. She will only drag you down and you don't need that.

[mark4]

I can see your point, but the thing is I was really really happy before we broke up this time. That's why it's so sad for me. Right now I feel sick, I'm constantly feeling anxious. Checking my phone everytime it goes hoping its her. How do I stop feeling like this? I'm worried its making me ill!! It's all I think about even when I'm trying to keep busy, it's in my head. I dream about her and when I wake up I realise she doesn't want me anymore and go thru it all again. By the way thank you for your response.

[askltk]

Tough break Mark,

 

But as hard as it is, you've got to stop contacting her (especially has your getting nothing in return, and all it's doing is making you look desperate and needy).

 

Where do I go from here? I cry alot at the moment.... I'm really sensitive I want so much to be strong and get on with it. In reality I am weak. This girl is like everything to me, my whole world. Now she is gone and it seems so easy for her. When she broke up with me I was really angry and sent quite a lot of bad text messages which I regret I was just so annoyed at how she could do this to me.

 

The immediate issue here, and others may agree, that you made her "your world". If she is everything to you, that puts alot of pressure on her to keep you happy. you've got to look past blaming her, its a 2 way street. You shouldn't have got angry / sent bad messages, as they wouldnt have helped the situation.

 

It's crap, i know, but take this time to reflect on why it went wrong, and concentrate on yourself - purely. Do stuff you like, exercise, find new hobbies, meet new people etc.

 

NC might actually help you here, but I would suspect others have more experience with it. Good luck - it'll get easier.

[mark4]

Your right - sometimes I get a little bit back like short messages saying it will get easier and telling me to 'take care' or 'look after yourself' ... it's just hard to accept its actually over. Like we had discussed plans to get a house and where it would be when were both able to after she finishes her last year at uni. She used to get me to talk about baby names and all sorts! I'm really heartbroken. It was definitely love at first sight and now I feel like I've ruined the best thing I had in my life. Its so sad for me and its hard to pick myself up. Ive joined a gym and been a few times. I'm actually really aching from it now haha ... It's just its been a few weeks now and the cycles of optimism-sadness-depression are just continuing. They arent getting any worse, but not better either.

I feel a fool for crying to her - she used to care so much about me just a few weeks ago but now she seems totally emotionless towards me. How can someone change so much in so little time. I just really cant accept whats happened however much I try. Am I supposed to just not love her anymore??

[askltk]

Can see where our similarities lie.

 

My ex talked about moving out with me last summer (actually, she even offered me her savings to add to a deposit, at a time when we were really shakey). I too cried infront of her - a couple of times actually, once when we had our break up chat in August - and then once again when we fully ended it in October. I openly admit now that I was completely needy of her, and that's what smothered her - and ultimately how she lost all attraction for me.

 

We'd talked about moving out, getting a joint account etc... even when we were rocky, she'd offered to give me her savings to help get a deposit together to buy my (our) first place. I refused as I knew it would only put us under for pressure.

 

You can't make yourself not love her - it's not a switch you can pull. Acceptance is a must, just so you can get on with doing your own thing. Seriously, I've found great solace from the gym, and a new found hobby in running. Anything that makes you feel better about yourself - do it! I found that by going to the gym, it kept me busy on nights when I had nothing planned, I felt great for going and it's having a positive response on my appearance (and ultimately my attractiveness to potential suitors!).

 

We differ in one quite obvious way, in that my ex continues to contact me - completely uninitiated. Although that may seem like a good thing (and it's taken me a while to realise the negative affects), you have to be in the correct frame of mind. Just sit it out and concentrate on your own goals.

[mark4]

Maybe if I hadnt went into the sadness mode when we broke up she might have still been attracted to me.... all the crying and needyness was probably a major turn off. But im really sensitive, I wish I wasn't... but I am.

[Real Deal]

Mark, as I am sure you have read on other similar posts you MUST go NC for now. This is not going to kill you regardless of how you feel. We have all been there in some capacity but ask is right in that you were putting too much pressure on her to make YOU happy. This will kill a relationship quicker than anything (it is a form of neediness). Make some changes in your life, workout, eat better, etc. I know this is common advice but just DO IT. You will get through this and for God's sake DO NOT call or text her at all. Post here instead. More to follow...

[mark4]

Mark, as I am sure you have read on other similar posts you MUST go NC for now. This is not going to kill you regardless of how you feel. We have all been there in some capacity but ask is right in that you were putting too much pressure on her to make YOU happy. This will kill a relationship quicker than anything (it is a form of neediness). Make some changes in your life, workout, eat better, etc. I know this is common advice but just DO IT. You will get through this and for God's sake DO NOT call or text her at all. Post here instead. More to follow...

 

Thank you - I'm determined i'm not going to because when I have I've just made it worse. This whole thing has just sent me crazy. After I sent some of the not so nice messages I sent one saying I was drawing a line in the sand and going to move on and become a better man. This was the one she responded to. She has been in contact with me to 'try and help me get through it' but all that did was build my hopes up and upset me. Which after a while made me angry again because it was almost as if she was leading me on. when I was asking her 'is there any hope for us ever again to be together' ... she would reply not at the minute no... I was really reading into the not at the minute stuff and saw it as hope one day she will change her mind so I went into grovelling mode. Which clearly didnt work and just make me look weak. I'm normally really level headed and cool about things but this has just sent me to a place ive never been before. I've been in total despair and I don't wanna go back there. Right at this minute i'm feeling okay... but I know later or in the morning the sick, anxious depressed feeling will return and its really not nice. I'm really glad I found this place because at least I don't feel so lonely. I have my friends and family around me being supportive. In fact they are all saying it's her loss and a blessing in disguise. To be honest I cant see that. I just want the opinions and advice from you guys who have been there and done it or are going through it like me because then I know its unbiased.

[mark4]

Hey, feeling a bit sad and anxious... Thought it best write on here instead of contacting her. I was so sure she was the one! I met her 5 years ago. How can it all just be over. She says she still loves me and cares for me how can she just not want to be with me anymore. After everything ... I'm not being big headed when I say this but I've been a really good boyfriend, I'm 100% faithful and reliable, I've graduated and got a really good job, I have supported her thru loads of bad times. I get on well with her little bro and everything. This is so sad!! The feeling in my stomach is horrendous.I can't explain how much I really just wish we were back together, I'm sure you guys will know the feeling of something which is just meant to be!... If I feel so strongly how do I just let go?? I really don't want to have to. Everything reminds me of her, songs on the radio, tv programs, all the clothes she bought me, my aftershaves. I've not really put a foot wrong in all that time. I've treated her like a princess took her on weekends away, took her for meals, took her to see comedians bought her amazing presents. I used to drive miles to see her when she was living away. I spent so much money and time on this relationship - I really wanted to do it. Now the rugs been pulled from beneath my feet and it feels so unfair

[mark4]

The cycle has started again... Last night I dreamed about her breaking up with me again. Then I woke up and realised its now reality. I'm still totally gutted and really wish she would offer me a second chance I'd really grab it with both hands. I can't clear my head its all I think about 24/7 even when I'm asleep!! Now I'm on my way to work, I always used to send her a message now wishing her a good day etc. I feel so sad that I shouldn't do that anymore. Really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Everything seems depressing without her.

[mark4]

I think my problem lies in that I can't accept that she has left me. All the 'together forever' 'i'll never leave you' 'i love you so much' stuff is really really engrained in me. I'm trying to accept her decision but I just can't - I don't want to. The only thing I want in the world is to have her back. It's so strange because when she was around she often really annoyed me - she used to bang on about family stories - telling the same ones over and over. She was really picky with her food and would claim she wasn't. She didn't get on well with my sister - it was a really awkward atmosphere when they were in the same room. When I wanted to play xbox she would be there watching programs on the internet killing my connection! our sex life pretty much died out too. But now she is gone I totally miss her and wish I hadnt been neglecting her, playing xbox when she was around. I even miss the things that annoyed me - I cant see them as bad things which can help me get past losing her! I also fancy her more than ever now too that she is gone. What the hell is going on with me!??

[mark4]

this is really hard - for some reason I just checked her twitter and had to bail to the toilet at work to fight back my tears. I've got like a burning sensation in the top left of my head. She hasnt left my head all morning - i've resisted all urges to send her a message so I guess thats a good thing. My stomach is churning and I cant/dont want to eat anything. please someone help me - this is too much.

[anthony4]

I've been through the dreams and constant thoughts. Didn't want to crawl out of bed for the first few days. The only way it gets better is to consciously decide that YOU are the man, and need to take care of YOU. And the only way (for now) that's gonna happen is to follow advice on No Contact. It's hard, but it gets better. My nightmares stopped in about a week after i decided to try it. Spend time with friends and family, people you know will be there for you unconditionally.

Today is day 30 for me. Up early, made breakfast, lots of plans for the day. Lots of great people here for you. Keep up the good work - vent here!

 

and i can tell you, checking in on their Twitter and Facebook is just gonna set you back. did that too...

 

I hope you feel better soon man.

 

here is the best link for advice:

 

start at the first post,

[mark4]

Thankyou - yeah it was a totally bad idea. Almost completed full first day of NC. Everythings coming and going in waves - but it's always on my mind. I'm so glad I found this place because I can write here instead of pouring my heart out to her. Which has been like talking to a brick wall - she is so stubborn that her feelings have changed. I just wish I was mentally strong enough to deal with it. Ive had half a cereal bar and some orange juice. I really need to start eating but its so hard when my stomach is churning the way it is. The only problem with the NC for me is I'm looking at it in a way of it to get her back so she misses me. Is that okay or should I be letting go? What if she texts me in a weeks time? Do I go running back? What if she doesn't text me? Is she thinking about me? Is she having second thoughts? If I dont contact her is it making it easier for her to forget about me? All of these thoughts are circling my head 24/7 and its making me feel crazy!! I used to be so level headed and logical and this had just crushed me and my way of thinking and my views on life.

[anthony4]

i added a link to my post. many of your answers are in that pot of gold..

one quick thing - she isn't going to miss you unless you disappear, i think it's all in there, check it out.

[mark4]

wow Real Deal is such a hero! I'm reading his post re: Non-Chalance for Males ... I want her to feel I am completely cool with it like he says.... should I text her to say I'm cool with it or just leave it... the last thing she heard of me I was upset. But then again I dont wanna break my NC???

[anthony4]

just keep reading. don't text her to tell her that, let her think, and give it all time. You will also read that NC isn't so much about getting back together - it has to start with getting you back on track before you can ponder that. And that thread "i'm such a wreck right now..." It's been a month since the first post. tough love starts to happen here - also good when needed.

Yeah Real is an excellent men-tor, he's talking from experience.

[mark4]

okay - I guess if I convey that kind of mentality onto my own twitter and facebook theres a chance she will look me up or be told by a friend whats going on in my life.

[anthony4]

The thing is, why hope by conveying on those sites that she will know what's going on? Let her wonder man. Consider what you are learning here your secret weapon. For your well being. Please slow down and soak up all the wealth of knowledge on here first and foremost.

[mark4]

It's just the last thing she heard from me was me grovelling and upset - I just want her to know I'm fine without her.. even though in reality I'm struggling. I guess your right and just need to chill - but its so hard because I want her back more than anything in the world.

[anthony4]

I understand. The last communication i had was email. 30 days ago today. I let her know i loved her, was willing to work things out, if she wanted to talk. I let it go right there. If you were groveling, it may not be the last impression you wanna leave but - you aren't doing that anymore. In fact you aren't contacting her anymore. She will wonder where all this sudden strength, free-will, and lack of a**-kissing came from. That's part of the theory too.

Wish someone else would chime in here, i'm gonna say something wrong, i just know it

[mark4]

ah god your right .... NO CONTACT all the way... whatever happens from it. I need to be more of a man from now on. After all thats why she fell for me in the first place. Thats why she went out with me ...after 2 years of practically begging I said 'right ... this has to stop, I can't go on being your friend who takes you on dates when I'm looking for a relationship with you.' I said I was going to stop talking to her and blam! she wanted to be my girlfriend. You don't realise what you have got until it's gone - true, ive seen that in the last 3 weeks..... Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's just test that one out!

[mark4]

hang on a sec.... she blocked me on twitter, and now she is visible again. this means I have been unblocked so she can see what I am doing... what are your thoughts on this?

[Real Deal]

It means nothing except for she has an ego and is narcissistic in a way. Live your life as if she never existed for now. TRUST ME. This is not over by a long shot unless you F it up. Drop off the map for a while...no twitter, no FB or any of that other stuff.