mark4 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hey, I've fallen into a bit of a trap and need some guidance. Basicaly after my last post I was feeling really down about things... NC made her come back and promise the old her was back and we could really make a go of things. We agreed taking it slow would be the best way forward. She discussed with me how she still wanted all the things we dreamed of like the family, and the house and the dog etc! Because this is what I had hoped for when I started NC I went for it We agreed the best thing to do is start dating now and again, so we went to the cinema and for a meal and we both had a great time. But now its getting like Jekyll and Hyde... one day she is all lovely with me asking how I am and what I am up to ... the next she is telling me we are talking to much and then the next back to being nice again. I'm struggling with this up and down stuff... I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing... I'm being so good to her... whenever she feels down I pick her up and be funny but if there's anything up with me she doesn't give me anything and says i'm stressing her out even though I may have only said something like 'hey is something up you have been quiet today?'... I just don't know what to do, I feel this is different from any other situations I've read about because she has said that she wants to be with me and things - we've talked about really serious stuff. Then the next day it's as if she can't be bothered with me. Then back to being nice.... and then not saying much (ie. one word answers.) I just want it to be simple, I want to feel cared for as much as I care for her and it builds me up so much when she says all the nice stuff to me and the future plans are in place, then the next day it's as if she has had a change of heart but too afraid to say it. If anyone can shed any light on what is going on... or what I should do or say to her I would really appreciate it. I've tried hunting for tips in similar threads but each situation is unique and I'm struggling to get any pointers. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I've lost my way a bit haven't I ... she is controlling the pace of the relationship. I can sit here and go on other threads and give advice.. i've even been complimented on giving good advice. But when your smack bang in the middle of it all it's so different. What am I doing man... I've stopped focussing on me and forgotten I dont need her. I've been well and truly roped in... what do I do now though.. carry on with the dates? I can't keep letting her take the lead and I need to stop being affected by this hot and cold behaviour. How do I do that? I can't be cold... it's just not in my nature. I can't be fake, because I can't keep it up. I end up caving in and wondering what's wrong and I can't control myself from asking her. Which in turn gives her complete power because then she knows i've been de-railed, she knows she can control my feelings by being cold... or hot. It's just not right this is it? I shouldn't be working so hard on this when she isn't... When I go NC she comes back... when she is back she just plays with me like a cat that has caught the mouse. Well that's how it feels anyway. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 clearly nonchalance is the way forward.... not acting nonchalant ...actually BEING nonchalant. It shouldn't be an act, it should be my true way of thinking. That is gonna be hard work to change my personality. Wel not really changing my personality but adding a new trait. If I act it.... I cant keep it up. If I can BE it then I wont have any slip ups. Link to comment
ketaro Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hi Mark, If she dumped you once it can happen twice, so for your own sake and sanity try to keep a low contact with her and don't get your hopes up just yet not until you see real changes in her. Link to comment
boyblue Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Keep her at arms length and try not and date her, make HER work to get YOU back not the other way. As hard as it seems when she contacts do not set up any dates and keep it low key and be off the phone in less than 2 mins. In fact keep telling her sorry i'm busy and phone me some other time. BB Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Keep her at arms length and try not and date her, make HER work to get YOU back not the other way. As hard as it seems when she contacts do not set up any dates and keep it low key and be off the phone in less than 2 mins. In fact keep telling her sorry i'm busy and phone me some other time. BB Agree. You are making all the effort, which puts makes you less than her. Not in her mind but in your own. Back off a bit. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 It's all gone pear shaped haha! Well you know how I said she was being cold ... well you have never seen anything like this in your life it was like sub-zero attitude. I kept my cool and asked her what was up ... she totally lost it and went mad saying I had ruined her night last night by asking if something was up ... it was strange to watch... it was like she was trying to start an argument and got really annoyed because I didn't bite at all. I haven't had anyone flip out like that me in a long time. It was almost comical though.... I called her and said stuff along the lines of "look...i'm failing to see what i'm getting out of this" I called the whole thing off because she was making me unhappy. Back to NC today... feel kind of relieved. She was really pretty harsh yesterday and I just can't be dealing with that, there is nothing in it for me other than a headache. It's a shame because I was happy before all of this.. but there you go... onwards and upwards for me now, time to go alone for now. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Mark, part of being non-chalant is about not putting up from unacceptable behaviour ESPECIALLY from girlfriends and exes because they think they can get away with it and a man should put up with it. Show her with your words AND actions (by NC) that you will not accept a reunion and then her acting like a drama queen over nothing. Rise above it and be done with her. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Mark, part of being non-chalant is about not putting up from unacceptable behaviour ESPECIALLY from girlfriends and exes because they think they can get away with it and a man should put up with it. Show her with your words AND actions (by NC) that you will not accept a reunion and then her acting like a drama queen over nothing. Rise above it and be done with her. To be honest with you I wish I could change the title of my thread... I'm not worried or sad anymore. I'm happy to be me now and I know I don't NEED anyone to be able to do that, I would just maybe LIKE someone to share life with one day. I've come a long way since my first post. I'm so so proud of myself, I was in a total mess, I had to go to the doctors and was prescribed medication to relive anxiety! For gods sake how did I let her do that to me? I wish I had of just walked away then and there. Your right she is a drama queen, her behavior yesterday was appalling, it made me cringe a bit thinking about it. I wish someone could have witnessed it too. The nicer I was being about it the more it was winding her up, honestly I think she might have some serious emotional issues. I think I might have been soaking all that up for the whole relationship. Its all becoming so clear! Everything was always such an issue with her... I think this might actually be a lucky escape for me? Today... i've not felt down once... I dont even care if she goes out at the weekend and gets with a million other guys... that was a big issue for me. The thought of her with someone else... but today i'm thinking.... Jesus! good luck to the next guy! rather you than me man! haha... I feel i still need to post on here just to unload all of the stuff that i'm saying now. I'm finding I wanna help other people too in the ENA community, the situation i've been in was the most horrendous thing i've ever had to deal with, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Anyway, sooooo proud right now... and surprisingly happy that it's over! still got a load of facebook photos to contend with, do I delete or untag? when do I do that? I dont want them hanging around forever. What if I meet a new girl soon , know what I mean? feel a bit afraid incase it triggers happy memories and I lose this feeling.... even though it's so strong. Maybe I should wait? Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Do what you want. If you want to untag yourself, do it. I hope you've defriended her already and have changed your privacy settings to super duper private. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Yeah she is deleted and only friends can see my stuff ... The though of going through all the photos turns my stomach a little. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 You will feel MUCH better afterwards. Perhaps as a good compromise you could save the photos of you and her together onto a CD or something, then untag yourself from them. That way when you are ambivilant towards her in the future, you can look back on the good times, but in the meantime you don't have to deal with them (have them on your profile). Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 I hope so, not sure I am up to it just yet... maybe in a week or so. It's all still new to me this feeling of letting go forever. My heart feels like its going quite fast at the miunte, not sad or anything just feel a little strange. Its such a strange thing being so sure that someone is 'the one'' and a month or so later you are rebuilding your life because they have withdrawn themselves. It's also strange realizing they arent the person you thought they were. Thought I had best write here seeing as i'm having a bit of a low... it's not massive but still. I understand there are ups and downs involved so I guess this is just one of them. Wish I could just stay steady... Link to comment
anthony4 Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I hope so, not sure I am up to it just yet... maybe in a week or so. It's all still new to me this feeling of letting go forever. My heart feels like its going quite fast at the miunte, not sad or anything just feel a little strange. Its such a strange thing being so sure that someone is 'the one'' and a month or so later you are rebuilding your life because they have withdrawn themselves. It's also strange realizing they arent the person you thought they were. Thought I had best write here seeing as i'm having a bit of a low... it's not massive but still. I understand there are ups and downs involved so I guess this is just one of them. Wish I could just stay steady... I totally understand. My break-up wasn't severe, or based on anything too dramatic. I posted here how i broke NC (7 weeks tomorrow) only to send a polite "hope your surgery goes well" text. Never so much as a single character back. Love one day, totally withdrawn after.. Oh well, i don't feel bad, i was being mature and not trying to wedge my way back in. Just like the rest of our situations Mark - their loss. Link to comment
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