A little worried and sad.

[mark4]

okay so i'm back on the horse, I can't help but feel the interchange of text was a slight setback for me. she has been popping into my head - weird thoughts about her with other guys. I'm not like thinking ah I wish she would text again... I just feel a bit of a mug for even replying. But then again, I'm not like her and I don't just ignore people. It's not like I need to avoid her either, after all I am trying to maintain the mentality she is just another girl to me now. She is no one special. She isn't 'the one' anyway. She proved that to me when she left me and I was in total despair. The one is still out there... not that I'm desperate to meet her yet, it would be nice. But I need Mark time for a while.

[Real Deal]

Mark, you are going to have slipups. Don't beat yourself up and move forward. Had you contacted her first I would be giving you the virtual slap in the face right now. Here is the best rule for NC so not to appear to be a baby. If it is something thatyou MUST respond to (Kids, house, getting or giving stuff back), you should respond with simple and concise answers. Otherwise, ignore it. I don't like to speak of this like it is a game but it is, plain and simple so take what I am about the say with that in mind. She still views you as weak, hence the "I knew you would" like she is your mom or some crap. F that. My ex tried the same "I'm so proud of you" when I passed my Series 7 exm. They think this is being nice but it is her way of giving you 'approval' like you need it from her. Reject it. I know, it hurts to think of it like this ctwhen you have shared so much but she rejected you. You told her you do not want to be friends so for her to see you as strong you must stick to this no matter what. You will think "what if she never talks to me again?" Well, if she moves on and accepts that you want it that way it just means she is not worth the heartache. STAY STRONG and be the MAN here. When everything is said and done that is all we have in life. You will look back on this all one day and wonder why you even cared so much. I promise that!

[mark4]

Well ya can't get much better advice than that! I'm pleased I didn't get the slap, I've given myself a shake of the head haha! Your so right about the 'I knew you would' stuff... how would she know she was breaking up with me while I was taking the course! I think the reason I responded is that I didn't like that I was playing a game like she was in not responding and keeping me begging for mercy. But if you say that's the way it is then so be it and I will play by your rules Real Deal. I really appreciate you guys going through these posts and leaving advice and feedback for me. Where I'd be without it... I don't know but I know it would not be a good place.

[mark4]

my hearts racing and feeling anxious. I wish this would all just go away! my eye is twitching again too. I'm feeling rejected too - need to snap out of it!

[ketaro]

You have done good so far and for that i would like to congratulate you

 

Have you tried doing fun activities on your free time? Perhaps going out with friends and enjoying life could help you forget.

 

ps: Keep up the good work

[mark4]

You have done good so far and for that i would like to congratulate you

 

Have you tried doing fun activities on your free time? Perhaps going out with friends and enjoying life could help you forget.

 

ps: Keep up the good work

 

Thank you, in fairness I agree as I've been in a state for 3 weeks crying/begging but since Tuesday I have turned it round and doing better. Although I'm having ups and downs still I'm eating okay and sleeping better.

 

I'm going out with friends tonight, i'm worried about tomorrow because last 2 times i've been out since it happened I got myself really really upset and started getting in touch with her. This will be the first time i've been out since signing up to ENA so if that happens I will come here to get some perspective. I'll try keep busy over the weekend.

 

Thanks for the pat on the back

[ketaro]

Thank you, in fairness I agree as I've been in a state for 3 weeks crying/begging but since Tuesday I have turned it round and doing better. Although I'm having ups and downs still I'm eating okay and sleeping better.

 

I'm going out with friends tonight, i'm worried about tomorrow because last 2 times i've been out since it happened I got myself really really upset and started getting in touch with her. This will be the first time i've been out since signing up to ENA so if that happens I will come here to get some perspective. I'll try keep busy over the weekend.

 

Thanks for the pat on the back

 

You're welcome and that's good to hear, i hope you had a lovely time.

 

Try not to focus on her too much, what matters most right now is your own well being and sanity.

[mark4]

well I went out last night, had a good time with my friends but as expected I feel really low this morning, she's all I can think about... feel like i'm going to get upset. it still hurts that we used to love each other so much, she used to tell me that I was 'the one' and then she just left me. i'm wishing she was still around, i miss her... but I'm not always like this and sometimes i'm glad it's over, but when I feel like this it makes my good being single feeling seem fake, if that makes sense! feel a bit lonely without her, theres only so much you can do with your friends... i really miss her

[mark4]

okay need to unload, had a crazy weekend. she called me on saturday evening when she was out saying she missed me. later on in the night something bad had happened to her and she was upset. stupidly i went to her to make sure she was okay and stayed with her over night. the next day she was really appreciative of what I had done and seemed as if she wanted to reconcile. I was really delighted with this and we have been talking alot. last night we went for a meal and exchanged the things we left behind at each others houses. she seems to be like a different person now, her new group of friends are bad news, they are younger than both of us and go out all the time on crazy nights out - i dont think i want to be involved in all of that. Ive noticed that when I pour my heart out and tell her I want her back it pushes her away, and when I act like I dont it attracts her. It's like a game, i'm so in love with her and I'm not the type of person who like to 'treat em mean to keep em keen'. I'm really confused now. what on earth do I do?? I want the old her back - who didnt have these mad friends who don't really care about her, they left her in a mess on saturday and I was there to pick up the pieces. But she will go back to them because she blames the state she got in on herself and is blind to the fact they ditched her. I'm a good man and I just want my old girlfriend back. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life- joining the gym and focussing on my career, seeing my friends more. I'm not interested in this party lifestyle which she has thrown herself into because she is trying to hide away from dealing with the breakup. I wish I didnt care for her so much, but I do. I know she wants me back otherwise she wouldnt be contacting me and telling me she still loves and misses me. She says if we did get back together it would take a long time , i'm just not sure I can hang on for her, but stupid me I know I would go running when she says she is ready. can someone please help and give some advice i'm a bit messed up here.

[Outshined]

She needs more space and time.

As do you.

I know it sucks.

I know it hurts.

Believe me brother I have been in your exact same shoes.

It seems like you both love and care about each other. And thats a good thing. But I think its gonna take some time.

Only you can decide how much time you are willing to spend/invest.

You are doing good, really good. Now you have to keep it up.

I know the bits and pieces feel good when they come, but thats not what you really want.

You want more and you deserve more. I would suggest not settling for anything less than what you want.

 

I would continue the no contact for as long as it takes.

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give to someone is the gift of missing you.

That is a gift you give yourself as well.

Only time will tell, but remember it is what you do in that time that makes all the difference.

Work on you, worry about yourself....it really is most important and all you can really do.

[mark4]

Thanks outshined, it's just really difficult - I was fed a bit of bait was left hungry for more. It's like she is playing a game, she has totally changed she would never have done this to me in the past. Is the old her gone for good? Is she just testing me? I need not to contact her anymore - she knows deep down I'm a good thing and that's why she wont let go. I know what I need to do I need to act indifferently as if she doesn't matter - wether she is or isnt in my life I need to show that. It's a risk because she could move on and not want me anymore - in the same respect so could I. As it stands what have I got to lose. It made me really happy when she got in touch - but now I feel I've been pushed away because I showed too much interest. It's so weird. SO hard to get my head around. It's all wel and good me saying this too - I need to put it into action. I need to let her do all the contacting and become less available. This has been and still is the biggest test of my life - I'm determined to come through it. I hope I can get out the other side soon, hopefully with her by my side - the old her that is. Not this new off the rails one! I guess the worry I have is that girls generally dont make the first move. Next time she makes a move what do I do ... if I go running back again she will lose respect for me. If I dont take the chance I could lose her forever.

[Outshined]

It's like she is playing a game, she has totally changed she would never have done this to me in the past. Is the old her gone for good?

 

Relationships are a game and they are not a game .....all at the same time.

I know that sounds strange. Lets call it a dance instead.

The old her gone?...perhaps. But thats okay too. Sometimes we have to shed some skin.

Remember that some of the old her helped put you where you are today.

 

It's a risk because she could move on and not want me anymore - in the same respect so could I.

 

It was always a risk. When you first met her and decided to pursue her it was a gamble.

You decided to take a chance, and whenever you do that , no matter in what area of life, there is always a chance. At a minimum it starts out as a 50/50 proposal.

And I suppose thats what makes it worth it. If it all came easy or free there would eventually be a time when we wouldnt value it.

 

There are women who make the first moves. i have seen it. It happens all the time.

When she contacts....dont go running back. Take it slow, be truthful with yourself.

There is no harm on taking small steps. You are feeling hurt and you are vulnerable.

This really is a marathon not a sprint. I know that sucks but its true.

 

As far as losing her forever.........yes that is a possibility..........but again, it always was.

You need to be okay with that.

Thats why people say N/C....to heal, to get some perspective.

You need to be able to think with a clear head, your heart, your love for her isn't going away anytime soon, if ever.

 

Dont waste this time.........I have in the past, and what a shame.

[Real Deal]

You are letting her determine the terms and timetable for any future relationship. As much as you love and want her this a bad move my friend. Be the man in the relationship and YOU decide what you want. She has to know what it is like for you not to be there. More importantly for your healing and to get YOUR power back you need to be able to step away right now. Repsect her wishes and give her that freedom. She will come back to you, they always do if you were good to them. This will not happen if she knows she can have you. Her ego needs to be fed and you are fedding it. Not good brother. Give her the gift of missing you. If she is worth a relationship down the road she will beg you to come back to her but this is several months off still. It is a process and it takes time.

[mark4]

Damn, I've been such an idiot - she was just seeing if she could still have me. I was hurt again last night - in tears infact. She started being cold again and saying it wasn't a good idea anymore. I've been totally played. Real your right I fed her ego, big time. What on earth has happened to my old girlfriend who I loved so much?? I shut the door before she did but still got upset doing it. I made sure I told her she WILL realise I was a keeper. Because I know I am, I treat her really really well and I've been used as a doormat. Feeling really positive today, I told my friends and family about what happened and they are really angry about it they called it 'evil, shocking, cruel' and other words to that effect. I have to remove the stilleto from my heart and move on now. This relationship is just bad news. The last experience of her I have is now a really bad one and it's going to help me move on. I just can't believe after everything I went through she still wanted her ego feeding to test if she could have me. Well it worked. I've not felt this good on a morning for a while - it feels like I can actually move on this time because of what she has done to me. I hope it lasts.

[Real Deal]

Do not dwell on this. Use this as a source of strength going forward. Remember what it feels like right now but don't beat yourself up over it (it is possible to do so).

 

1. Go hard NC - period. No questions asked. When it gets tough just look down at what is between your legs if you need a reminder that you are a man.

 

2. Start working out / exercising. Set a target date for the build and ideal weight that you want to be (say 90 days). Pretend like at the end of that period that you are going to have to walk around without your shirt on for the rest of your life so you better make it count. Of course eating well is part of this and it will make you feel better too.

 

3. Passion (this one is huge). I have no idea what your career, hobbies, interest or 'life purpose' is. It really doesn't matter but I will bet a month of Sundays that you have let this area slide well before the relationship fell apart. Fix this. If you have no idea what your life purpose is ask yourself this - What would you love to be doing with the majority of your time that hoepfully you can get paid for as well. Don't say you are too old/young, don't have enough money, education, time,e tc. Nonsense and total BS. Start doing that thing(s) NOW! Take one step towards your purpose EVERY DAY for the rest of your life.

 

4. Start dating - I don't want to hear this BS that she is the 'only one' or your 'sould mate' either. Granted, you are a wounded duck right now so I am not saying to go out and starting chasing women like crazy but at a minimum talk to one woman every day that you find attractive. It doesn't matter whether you know her or not but it is better if it is a total stranger. Don't be all creepy like you are after something either. Just have a normal conversation and exchange with her. Be flirty too. Now, be careful with this because I am not suggesting that you use anyone or turn into a validation seeking moron but you need to remind yourself that you are wanted and attractive. Good, bad or indifferent the best way to measure this and have that 'feeling' is by interacting with women that you are attracted to.

 

5. Keep relying on friends and family. That is what they are for. However, don't complain and whine about your ex. It projects that you are weak and broken up to them but more importantly to yourself. Just hang out and have a good time.

 

6. Keep posting on here...

[mark4]

Like you Real Deal I also like lists ... so let's go through this.

 

1. NC all the way now - Ive blocked all forms of social networking- deleted off my phone too- if she contacts me somehow I will respond, however this time the second word will be 'OFF!'

 

2. Already on it - joined a gym as soon as it happened and I go two three times a week - man it feels good afterwords. Eating is just getting back on track, anxiety seems to have faded.

 

3. Already in a good job - just moved onto a new team and there is loads of new stuff for me to learn. I can lose myself in this Mon-Fri and i'm enjoying it. Especially today with my new found strength because of what she did this weekend. With my money i'm saving i'm goin to do something i've always wanted to do and but myself some DJ equipment once I've saved up enough. This will be my new hobby.

 

4. I'm quite shy around women so I need to find confidence - hopefully this will come from the gym. I will try to speak to new girls and things whenever possible if it will help. I will go out with friends at least once a week to bars etc and let go and open my eyes to new people and have confidence to chat to people.

 

5. I sent one long message to my friends explaining what had happened and that i'm cutting her out of my life. Ive gained a lot of respect from that and they are angry at what she has done to me. They have all decided to cut ties too, facebook, twitter, mobiles. So thats a big plus for me. I've also told them that was all I had to say on the matter and wont be discussing it any more its time to move on.

 

6. This definitely won't be my last post here. There are ups and downs to come and I want to help others using my experiences - although still raw they will be valuable to someone. This has been THE most horrendous thing i've experienced in my life. Time for me to shine now! She was just blocking all the light and keeping it to herself, I need to shine for myself, and the people who care for me unconditionally and have been there for me. They have saved me, and so have you lot.

 

So thank you!

[Outshined]

Sounds like a good plan.

You can do it!

[Real Deal]

You are the man. Sounds awesome. You will soon look back on this and it won't even seem like it was real. On the thing with other women, no need to be shy. Confidence will come. Just start by smiling and saying "hi" to total strangers. You'd be suprised some of the reactions that you get just being friendly. As I said with my sitch "burn it down and start over".

[mark4]

I've actually taken a real dislike to her - it seems you don't get over someone until you actually have enough of their BS to the point you can't bare them! Thanks for the tip - think i'll enjoy testing my luck with friendly hello's

[Real Deal]

I've actually taken a real dislike to her - it seems you don't get over someone until you actually have enough of their BS to the point you can't bare them! Thanks for the tip - think i'll enjoy testing my luck with friendly hello's

 

Yep, know the feeling. Nothing to lose with saying Hi to someone....

[anthony4]

Mark - i've been a tad shy too in my past. The last few years i have gotten better at it. And it's true, an ego boost of sorts. I was in line for food two nights ago, saw an attractive local woman, just made a comment about our having so many people ahead of us, got just an affirmation and smile back. (didn't have time to be flirty, eye-contact and smiling directly was the best for the situation, she saw me looking at her) Then in the parking lot (we both exited the same time) I got a big smile as she backed out and saw me looking at he, driving past her driver's side. I believe she may have been attracted to me too. I even caught myself thinking "she was just being friendly". Maybe so, but i doubt it. She looked right at me, and smiled big! Must have been because I was confident, and ever so slightly forward to initiate convo. I hope to see her around this small town again.

Point is, whatever the outcome, or not - it does feel good to be in the drivers seat again in the pursuit of interests.

[mark4]

haha that's cool, I hope you bump into her again soon man! ... feel a bit different to how I felt yesterday, I was so positive - I don't feel like I miss her I just feel a bit hurt, a bit damaged maybe. I had some pretty heavy duty dreams last night involving her, they felt so real. So when I woke up she was instantly on my mind. Doing my best to keep in mind the person that i've seen lately - the one that finished me, got new friends, reeled me in when I got back on my feet and then chopped me down back into the water because she knew she could have had me if she wanted. That is not a nice person - so what is wrong with me!!! I know the facts, i've taken myself out of the situation and seen her for what she really is so why is it still on my mind!? By the way i'm not going back on all the positive stuff I said yesterday, i'm still number one and i'm going to make something of myself and do things I wanna do. I hope these thoughts fade, I dont like I felt more empowered yesterday than I do today, feel like it should be the other way around. Going to go to the gym tonight after work hopefully it will give me a lift. Sick of this good days and bad days BS now I just want good days, I wanna stop giving precious thought time to a girl who smashed my heart into a million bits, waited til i'd rebuilt half of it and smashed it all again with a hammer.

[lozzy1980]

feel a bit different to how I felt yesterday, I was so positive - I don't feel like I miss her I just feel a bit hurt, a bit damaged maybe. I had some pretty heavy duty dreams last night involving her, they felt so real. So when I woke up she was instantly on my mind. Doing my best to keep in mind the person that i've seen lately - the one that finished me, got new friends, reeled me in when I got back on my feet and then chopped me down back into the water because she knew she could have had me if she wanted. That is not a nice person - so what is wrong with me!!!.[/quote

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you!! this is all part of the healing process now, . i am having bad dreams some nights too, and in them i am in absolute emotional turmoil - , it is just your brain working it all out it is a lot of emotional stress, but i think we need to go through it .. think of it as therapy even though it crushes you now it is making you stronger for your future

 

Do what you are doing - thinking of the girl she is now , not back then, now. that is exactly how i am coping with my break up. the dreams will slowly get less and less to like once a week then once a month... it will not always be like this.

and you will get days where you feel low like now, but days when you feel empowered again. i know what you mean about wanting the low days to be over, but they will get less and less, honestly they will.

[LapointeP]

well David and I have been broken up for a week and it is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am in my 4th year of university and it is just so hard to focus on school right now. David and I were together for 2 years and a half and I don't really know how to cope. he broke up with me because he felt he was controlling my life and this had caused him to love me less. he says he still loves parts of me but wants me to find someone that loves all of me...it's the rejection that has me dying...I feel like I am dying inside... and I am trying to focus on my life. my sister thinks it's because I need someone in my life to feel better but I love him so much and I have to let him go...as hard as it is...my heart breaks every day...he doesn't want to be with me and he thinks he is doing me a favor by not being with me but my heart is just so heavy...

[dramallama]

LapointeP - You would probably get more help if you posted a thread of your own, but I know you can't see it now, but your ex DID do you a favour by letting you go. You are feeling pain because you've lost someone that you love. Let your emotions out by writing in a journal and don't settle for being friends with your ex. It will only bring you pain. I know it's a cliche, but it DOES get easier with every day.