floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I'm sure someone else has or is dealing with this. Please tell me how to bite my tongue and be tolerant!!! My future SS, age 13, is constantly talking about the way things were when my fiance and his ex wife were married or things they did, trips they took, etc. Most of the time, I can brush it off and keep going but every now and then it gets to me and I get upset by it. My fiance gets mad at me because I get upset by these stories. I KNOW he was married before and I KNOW that SS will continue to have memories but how can I toughen up and not be affected by this? Fiance says that if he tells SS to stop talking about his mama then SS will go back to her and tell her that I get upset. I don't want that. I just wish there was some consideration for OUR life together. It's making me start to resent having him around. What can I do?????? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I think you just have to be the big person here and remember this child had a life with his parents. That is never going to go away. That was HIS life. A child's parents are the most important thing in the child's life even if they are divorced and it is GOOD for them to remember good things about their life together so they can feel good about themselves. Try and think of yourself as a child in this position. 13 is still a child. Divorce is very hard on a child. I know my mother divorced 3 times. This is not about you. It is about a little boy trying to make sense of his life and to feel good about himself and his life. It is not a competition. Link to comment
RedDress Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I agree with Victoria66. I think you need to suck it up. It's not about you. It's about the little boy. His parents are divorced. He thinks back to that time fondly (as well he should). Maybe he is a bit apprehensive because he doesn't want you to 'replace' his mom. By re-hashing these stories, he is keeping her memory alive (in his own mind, and unfortunately, for you). It's not a competition. If you fight it, it will get worse. Give him time to adjust. Time to get comfortable. Time to figure out how all these pieces will fit together for him. Have compassion for a boy who loves his mother (which is sweet). Don't worry. There WILL be consideration for your new life. You WILL be a (big) part of that life. SO big, in fact, that he's worried that you are pushing her memories 'out'. Time is the answer. Time and deep, deep breaths. You are doing great! Link to comment
charity Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 he is 13. he's is a teenager. teenagers are different to everyone else in my opinion lol. sometimes when i get the bus i hear them talking about stuff and they act so crazy and.....well just different.( i say this very tongue in check just in case anyone gets offended.). but seriously one thing i have taken note of is that when my kids are teenagers just expect madness,silliness, rudeness, emotional meltdowns. i think we expect them to start to behaving mature because they look mature. bottom line. remember he is a child. you are an adult. indulge him. it is NOT easy having divorced parents and having new step parents. it is an awkward situation and he is handling it quite normally. if i was you, everytime he makes a comment like that i would say' thats so great, i'm glad you guys had so much fun etc. and be genuine about it because IT IS great that he has such fond memories of his parents isn't it! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 This is great advice. I agree, the more frustrated and intolerant you get, the more you will find yourself at odds with him and his father. That will not bode well for your relationship and you won't create the happy memories you want. You also have the chance of your relationship not working at all. Let him love his parents as he should, and love his memories. Children have to believe their parents loved each other to turn out well. If they don't then they assume there is something wrong with themselves. Children ALWAYS blame themselves if their parent's relationship does not work. He will accept you and the memories you want to make if you do not challenge the memories of HIS family. Have some compassion and empathy for him and you will create what you desire. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Is he saying these things as a matter of reporting things that happened to him, or does he say it in anger? Having that sense of family is big to a kid. Maybe he is also fishing to see if you'll do neat things with him too. I think the remedy is to just make new memories with him. When you marry, make it a point for you and your new husband to take him to a national park or spend a snow day in together playing games. Don't try to "top" what happened before, but just make new memories. In the future, he will surely point out the highlights of both. Heck, I still talk about this fantastic place I went to when I was 10. He probably will still always talk about his cool memories - just be cool about them. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Wow Floridagirlal!! Look at the great advice you got above! Victoria66, RedDress, Charity, Abitbroken I applaud you all. I was so moved by your words! Floridagirla, I was a step dad and "tricked" into being the disciplinarian. In time this created a three-ring circus whereas I was always trying to convince my wife of my decisions. The stepchildren became my master at the ripe old age of seven and ten. I advise you to let the natural parents do all the disciplining. Your role should be something like Grandparent to a Grandchild. Stay “un-hooked” and loving. Tell the parents where you stand. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 I hear and agree with everything that you all have said but the problem is, HOW do I get to that tolerant, patient place? My head agrees and understands everything that each of you has said, but my heart can't rationalize all of the logical thinking. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Wow Floridagirlal!! Look at the great advice you got above! Victoria66, RedDress, Charity, Abitbroken I applaud you all. I was so moved by your words! Floridagirla, I was a step dad and "tricked" into being the disciplinarian. In time this created a three-ring circus whereas I was always trying to convince my wife of my decisions. The stepchildren became my master at the ripe old age of seven and ten. I advise you to let the natural parents do all the disciplining. Your role should be something like Grandparent to a Grandchild. Stay “un-hooked” and loving. Tell the parents where you stand. I agree, it is best if the natural parent does the discipline. My mother never let my step father discipline me. That was always her job because she did not want it to create conflict between me and him and him and her. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I hear and agree with everything that you all have said but the problem is, HOW do I get to that tolerant, patient place? My head agrees and understands everything that each of you has said, but my heart can't rationalize all of the logical thinking. What is it you fear? Link to comment
charity Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I hear and agree with everything that you all have said but the problem is, HOW do I get to that tolerant, patient place? My head agrees and understands everything that each of you has said, but my heart can't rationalize all of the logical thinking. can i ask, are you normally a little insecure? is it that the boy is making you feel even more so? i just believe that if you were very secure in yourself and your relationship ,and you really understood what people have said above, then it would come naturally to you to know that this boy is just trying to deal with the cards he has been dealt. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Yes, I am usually insecure. That's no secret. But I really, really do want to remedy that and I don't know how. I just don't know how to fix it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 can i ask, are you normally a little insecure? is it that the boy is making you feel even more so? i just believe that if you were very secure in yourself and your relationship ,and you really understood what people have said above, then it would come naturally to you to know that this boy is just trying to deal with the cards he has been dealt. That makes a lot of sense. Are you insecure in your relationship maybe? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Yes, I am usually insecure. That's no secret. But I really, really do want to remedy that and I don't know how. I just don't know how to fix it. Have you tried counseling? I think sometimes too one has to stop and think if the issue is really about them. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 I've been to counseling before, during, and after my divorce. I have been since then too but not as much. But this insecurity is not something new. In fact, I remember being this way for the first year or two with my ex husband. I know this issue is about me. I don't want SS to stop having memories. My head says that I want to be the step mom that loves him and supports him in all ways. I want him to be able to come to me and trust me. In order for that to happen, I know I have to resolve these feelings I have. It kills me to think that my fiance was ever happy with someone else....that he treated another woman with the love and respect that I get from him. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 but seriously one thing i have taken note of is that when my kids are teenagers just expect madness,silliness, rudeness, emotional meltdowns. i think we expect them to start to behaving mature because they look mature. As a mother of a 15, 12 and 5 year old I couldn't agree more. We think life is going to get easier as they got older but it doesn't. It doesn't get any worse, however, its just a different kind of temper tantrum or situation that is sent to try us. Teenage years are fraught with anger, selfishness and, yes, emotional meldowns! In that respect, floridagirl, you aren't facing anything different from that of his own mother or any other mother of a teenage child. We do sometimes expect them to be more mature because that is what they ultimately want and try to be but they are still young and they still have a lot to learn and understand. Do not underestimate how much a seemingly mature teenager still needs their parents love, understanding and patience. In fact, at this time, when they are struggling through the transition from child to adult they need us more than ever. My own teenage daugher went off the rails when her father and I split and it has been a long hard haul to keep her on the straight and narrow. Life wasn't exactly easy with my ex-husband and we are far more happier this way. The girls still see their father but they wouldn't want us to get back together. Yet despite that, my eldest daughter finds it very hard to accept my ex-husband's new girlfriends. OK, so he isn't the most tactful of people when it comes to introducing a new love but whatever the reasons are for her resentfulness we have to accept that she is at the age when it is all about "me" and that one day she should grow out of it. Your SS is still young and still coming to terms with the change. Even if the mother, father and new partners all seem happy and have moved on, it doesn't mean a child has. I think it is all too easy to assume that our children are OK with things because we are now happy with new partners .... we should stop to consider how this has really affected them. Whether or not there is anything you can do to change how he feels right now I really don't know. I suspect this is something he just has to slowly comes to term with. Be patient with him. Bite your tongue. As V66 says, be the bigger person here. One day he will look up to you and respect how patient you were with him. He is just too young to understand all of this at the moment. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Re-reading all of your answers, I think I've come to a realization. His mother is in a way worse spot since the divorce (she cheated and wanted the divorce, btw). She is in a terrible position financially and has a revolving door of boyfriends (every few months...not a new one every week or anything). I'm sure that he worries nonstop about her and, by talking positively about her, it makes him feel good. Link to comment
charity Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I've been to counseling before, during, and after my divorce. I have been since then too but not as much. But this insecurity is not something new. In fact, I remember being this way for the first year or two with my ex husband. I know this issue is about me. I don't want SS to stop having memories. My head says that I want to be the step mom that loves him and supports him in all ways. I want him to be able to come to me and trust me. In order for that to happen, I know I have to resolve these feelings I have. It kills me to think that my fiance was ever happy with someone else....that he treated another woman with the love and respect that I get from him. it kills you to think that he was ever happy with someone else. say that again and really think about it. so do you wish that he had been miserable? or do you wish he had been lonely? do you wish he had never been in a relationship before? that is ultimately what you are thinking here when you say this. after all even the worst relationship start off great and have a honeymoon period. do you see that if you wish these things on the man you love that you are not thinking in a loving manner. this is jealousy through and through and it will eat up any relationship that you are in unless you fix it. do you see how your insecurity is so bad that even his kid talking about his mom is a problem for you. i can't tell you how to fix it. i once was the same and i am not anymore. i guess for me it was like a 'dawning'. a realization that acting this way was so damaging and in fact the very opposite of LOVE. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I've been to counseling before, during, and after my divorce. I have been since then too but not as much. But this insecurity is not something new. In fact, I remember being this way for the first year or two with my ex husband. I know this issue is about me. I don't want SS to stop having memories. My head says that I want to be the step mom that loves him and supports him in all ways. I want him to be able to come to me and trust me. In order for that to happen, I know I have to resolve these feelings I have. It kills me to think that my fiance was ever happy with someone else....that he treated another woman with the love and respect that I get from him. Ok then this is entirely about jealousy and nothing to do with your step son. This should be discussed with your fiance and not taken out a child or attributed to a child talking about his family. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 it kills you to think that he was ever happy with someone else. say that again and really think about it. so do you wish that he had been miserable? or do you wish he had been lonely? do you wish he had never been in a relationship before? that is ultimately what you are thinking here when you say this. after all even the worst relationship start off great and have a honeymoon period. do you see that if you wish these things on the man you love that you are not thinking in a loving manner. this is jealousy through and through and it will eat up any relationship that you are in unless you fix it. do you see how your insecurity is so bad that even his kid talking about his mom is a problem for you. I wouldn't want him to be lonely or miserable but I can't be the only person that wishes that they could erase past relationships. I just need to find a way to fix myself. It's eating me up inside and takes away from the happiness that is there! Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Ok then this is entirely about jealousy and nothing to do with your step son. This should be discussed with your fiance and not taken out a child or attributed to a child talking about his family. I have tried to discuss this with my fiance and he just gets frustrated and angry that he has to discuss it again. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I have tried to discuss this with my fiance and he just gets frustrated and angry that he has to discuss it again. Ok, but did you approach it that you are jealous he had a life with another woman and it is not about his son? If you make it about his son, I can see why he would be mad. I would be mad too. You also have to remember they are divorced for a reason. Right? He is with YOU. Right? That should say something to you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 It kills me to think that my fiance was ever happy with someone else....that he treated another woman with the love and respect that I get from him. Ahh, well then this may explain why you are finding it difficult to hear your SS talk about his mother. This is where you are going to have learn to keep the issue you have with insecurity and jealousy in check. Draw on everything you have learnt from your previous counselling sessions to help you understand that this isn't about your SS but more about you and that only YOU can change this for the better. Re-reading all of your answers, I think I've come to a realization. His mother is in a way worse spot since the divorce (she cheated and wanted the divorce, btw). She is in a terrible position financially and has a revolving door of boyfriends (every few months...not a new one every week or anything). I'm sure that he worries nonstop about her and, by talking positively about her, it makes him feel good. I am so glad that you have realised this. If his mum has had quite a few broken relationships and is not coping well financially then she must get down and sad. It isn't going to go unnoticed by your SS and he must feel sad too. I guess he likes to think back to happier times. With this and the above in mind, continue to be patient and shower him with much needed affection and stability. He needs your help not your resentment. Good luck! Link to comment
charity Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I wouldn't want him to be lonely or miserable but I can't be the only person that wishes that they could erase past relationships. I just need to find a way to fix myself. It's eating me up inside and takes away from the happiness that is there! no you're not the only person. there are millions like you, they are all suffering from insecurity too. a truly secure person will be have no issue with the fact that her man had past loves/relationships. it is reality. i'm not trying to attack you, on the contrary i am trying to make you realize that that way of thinking is so wrong, not acceptable and will only get worse over time if you don't work on it. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 *sigh* I'll call a counselor. Link to comment
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