laboheme Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 This guy and I have been casually dating for several months now. Pretty early on, he said that it was not a relationship, there was no commitment, etc. I was fine with it; in fact, that's what I wanted. True, I haven't been dating other people, but only because no one has come along. But now he's acting weird. He cuddles more, holds my hand, gives me romantic kisses in public (you know, not the crazy make-out kind, but a gentle kiss on the temple or something), surprises me by bringing dinner over to my place, makes plans for us that are more than just a week away, and is content when the two of us are just quietly reading by the fireplace. All of that seems a bit too couple-y to me. Does that indicate a change in his intentions, or is it still normal casual dating behavior (I've never been in this kind of arrangement, so I don't know). I don't want a relationship with him, and I don't want to lead him on if he does want more out of this. At the same time, if this still falls under casual dating, and he's still of the same mindset as he initially was, then I'd be comfortable with keeping things as they are. Verdict? Link to comment
laboheme Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Verdict. Ask him. Hmm, and how would that conversation go? I know how to initiate the "relationship talk" when I want to be in a relationship, but I don't have a clue about how to start having an "anti-relationship talk." Link to comment
mmp123 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Ask where do you stand, with your relationship. Depending on his answer, tell him how you feel about that. Be honest. If he asks you why would you ask him that, tell him you noticed him behaving differently recently. Nothing new, nothing made up. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 If he doesn't tell you he's changed his mind you can assume you're not leading him on -I wouldn't ask him just for ego gratification. He might just like the couply stuff knowing that he is not leading you on to think he wants more. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Why ask him? If you're happy with the way things are and as far as you know he doesn't want a relationship and you don't either, then it's all good. It doesn't really matter what you "call it". If you're happy and he's happy, just keep going. I don't really get it though b/c if he acted the same (which you're happy with) but called it something different.....you wouldn't be happy? Doesn't make much sense. I guess don't ask if you don't want to know. Just enjoy what's going on until he asks for more than you're willing to give. Link to comment
Outshined Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I meant ask him in more of a "not hurting him" type of way. Perhaps he wants "more".........and in my experience, people aren't always forthcoming with their feelings. Does that indicate a change in his intentions, or is it still normal casual dating behavior (I've never been in this kind of arrangement, so I don't know). I don't want a relationship with him, and I don't want to lead him on if he does want more out of this. At the same time, if this still falls under casual dating, and he's still of the same mindset as he initially was, then I'd be comfortable with keeping things as they are. I wouldn't lead with ..."I think you are falling for me" or anything like that...........but kind of ease into the "I like our platonic" relationship etc,etc.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 But they don't have a platonic relationship -they are dating. Link to comment
Outshined Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Dating.....yes but casually right? No desire on either half to be in a committed relationship. Potato....poe-tah-toe. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Dating.....yes but casually right? No desire on either half to be in a committed relationship. Potato....poe-tah-toe. The fact that they are romantically involved makes it a very different situation and conversation. I didn't go out on dates with and kiss my platonic friends. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Since people always (and mostly rightly) say 'watch the actions rather than the talk" I would think it right to assume his intentions may have changed. Since you are not interested in a relationship with him then you should tell him that as far as you are concerned the relationship status remains unchanged and just want to check he is on the same page. Potato....poe-tah-toe. I don't know anyone who says 'po-tah-toe'. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Since people always (and mostly rightly) say 'watch the actions rather than the talk" I would think it right to assume his intentions may have changed. Since you are not interested in a relationship with him then you should tell him that as far as you are concerned the relationship status remains unchanged and just want to check he is on the same page. I don't know anyone who says 'po-tah-toe'. I would focus more on actions like acting jealous if he knows or thinks that you are dating others, inviting you to meet his parents or wanting to meet yours, planning a vacation for months from now. The romantic stuff you described is far more nebulous and since he stated his boundaries from the beginning I think there is little risk of the guy being led on- it's his responsibility to say he has changed his mind. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I think it's kind of silly to remind him that you're "just platonic" when you're hanging out, holding hands, and kissing, etc. That's not what "friends" do. If you don't want to see him the way things are going, then stop seeing him. If you're happy with the way things are (which include kissing, dinners, etc) then go with it and don't get so caught up in what you're calling it or who likes who more. Just enjoy your life instead of over-analyzing it. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 If there is ever any risk of someone being hurt the right and compassionate thing to do is to try and avoid it or mitigate it as much as possible. It is not good enough to say "well, that is what you said from the beginning" when it is highly possible he has changed his mind but may be too nervous to say so. There is no need to stick to the 'letter of the law' when the kind thing to do is also the right thing to do. Link to comment
Outshined Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Since people always (and mostly rightly) say 'watch the actions rather than the talk" I would think it right to assume his intentions may have changed. Since you are not interested in a relationship with him then you should tell him that as far as you are concerned the relationship status remains unchanged and just want to check he is on the same page. I don't know anyone who says 'po-tah-toe'. you do now Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Next time you are sitting at the fireplace or watching tv together, I would say "I'm really glad we're not in a serious relationship. See how nice our casual arrangement is working?" and then go back to what you were doing. That get's accross the point that you think it is still casual and that you are happy with it. If he thinks differently, then it will be up to him to correct you. If you are happy with the public affection and contented couple time together, I would just go with the flow. Those seem to be the good parts of a relationship - whether casual or serious. As another poster mentioned, I would only worry if the negative aspects of a relationship start to show, such as jealousy, control issues, etc. Link to comment
Lightning87 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I think it's kind of silly to remind him that you're "just platonic" when you're hanging out, holding hands, and kissing, etc. That's not what "friends" do. If you don't want to see him the way things are going, then stop seeing him. If you're happy with the way things are (which include kissing, dinners, etc) then go with it and don't get so caught up in what you're calling it or who likes who more. Just enjoy your life instead of over-analyzing it. I am kind of in the same situation as you just now and have to say, this is the best advice I have heard so far. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I don't think it's our responsibility to take care of someone in this situation-he said what he wanted and what he didn't want right from the beginning and then he took on the responsibility to let her know if he changed his mind -he's an adult. She's not his therapist or his mother and she really might come accross as arrogant or condescending/patronizing. If she is uncomfortable with his gestures that she thinks reflect a change in intentions she can ask him about the specific behavior "wow -you seem jealous -why since we're not serious?" But that's only if she's uncomfortable with the action- not to take care of him. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 ^^ I respectfully disagree with this: as a decent person I believe it's always my responsibility to make sure that my actions don't intentionally hurt/mislead someone. How many times do women complain/post: 'yes, he said he doesn't want to be serious, however his actions were confusing; now i'm hurt that he dumped me' - usually these kind of posts invoke a lot of sympathy for the woman and a lot of condemning towards the man. Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 ^^ I respectfully disagree with this: as a decent person I believe it's always my responsibility to make sure that my actions don't intentionally hurt/mislead someone. How many times do women complain/post: 'yes, he said he doesn't want to be serious, however his actions were confusing; now i'm hurt that he dumped me' - usually these kind of posts invoke a lot of sympathy for the woman and a lot of condemning towards the man.I completley agree with this. People not taking responsibility for their actions if they can hurt someone seems to me to be without conscience. You can hold to the 'letter of the law' but surely the overriding responsibility is to avoid other people being hurt if you possibly can. Taking care of each other seems to me a much better way than not taking care of each other. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 ^^ I respectfully disagree with this: as a decent person I believe it's always my responsibility to make sure that my actions don't intentionally hurt/mislead someone. How many times do women complain/post: 'yes, he said he doesn't want to be serious, however his actions were confusing; now i'm hurt that he dumped me' - usually these kind of posts invoke a lot of sympathy for the woman and a lot of condemning towards the man. When a man told me he didn't want a relationship I didn't get confused by his couply actions. If he hadn't said this to her I would totally agree. Link to comment
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