For you guys out there suffering

[weng]

I went out with this girl for 4.5 years (engaged for 3 months). Last December she finished with me cos she wasn't sure anymore about us. (we started going out when she was 21) Didn't seem to be a whole lot wrong but then again if doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right. Anyway as you guys know this was a bit of a shock to the system. So much so that I the only I could describe it as the same feeling I got when my friend committed suicide a few years back. I couldn't sleep eat for weeks, riddled with guilt about what went wrong mistakes I made. Coulding concentrate at work. I Never thought it would have effected me that much. Friends were throwing out the usual clichés you'll get over it, or if its meant to be its meant to be. Move on but how the hell do you move on from that??. I actually rang her after 3 weeks to see how she was getting on and she told me she was having a great time and was seeing a few lads. When I got off the phone I was back to square one again. Life was tough.

 

About a week later the hurt turned into angry. And I wanted to pay her back for what she had done to me. First thing I did was started playing squash, soccer anything at all during the week to just keep my mind off things. I joined the local gym and started doing weights. This was a great way I releasing my angry. Every weight I lifted I thought of her. I'd said to myself next time she sees me she'll get a shock when she sees my body. My next action was to go out with a girl for a while (distraction), and to have my needs looked after so that I wouldn't be ringing my ex looking for sex. Of course at the same time I was starting to bond more with my friends and going out and trying to enjoy myself. Still killing me but not quite as much. Main thing here is not to contact the ex at all which I didn't.

 

My next plan was for my ex to see me with this new girl and her friends. I went to the bar we used to hang out and funnily enough she walked in when I was talking to my new girlfriend and her friends. At the end of the night my ex was standing about 10 feet away from me as we walked out together. And you know something for some reason it didn't feel great just guilty and silly for doing this. She had a right to live her own life the way she wanted and to be happy and here I was trying to upset her.

 

A few weeks later she emailed me and wanted to go for lunch, (this is were the mind games really start). I didn't email her back. she rang my mobile phone for 3 days I didn't answer (this was killing me not to answer). The 4th day I replied saying I was busy and maybe some other time. One week later she emailed saying she had to met me. I agreed but on my terms. A week later I said we could go for a drink.

 

I was after buying some nice clothes a few days before that and cos I had done alot of weights at this stage I bought a nice tight short sleeve top and tight jeans and before I went out I looked at myself in the mirror and I kept saying be strong and confident cos I know women like that kind of thing so I was told. Of course my heart was racing when I met I give her a peck on the cheek. So we started talking and I knew she was looking at me in that wow kind of way. When I went to the toilet I'd look back and catch her looking at me all over, the plan was working. We talked about how we were getting on I said I was doing great and having a good time and that I getting over things. The BOMBSHELL. She wanted me back she realized how much she loved me and she wanted me back in her life. She seen what we had was alot better than the relationships out there. I was the only one for and she wanted to marry me. Now I was taken aback by all this, I didn't expect this. I found it very hard to say no cos I still loved her but the trust thing wasn't there which is so important. I told her maybe in 3,6months, a year that maybe we could give it another go but I wasn't sure. We did kiss and the attraction is still strong but deep down I knew I was doing the right thing for me for now. I wasn't ready.

 

Moral of this story

No matter what anyone says it's all mind games. Women are far better at breaking up than we are cos they can control there emotions and they know we are going to chase them. We cant control our emotions and we do and say silly things trying to put things right. Its in our nature. She saw that I was moving on without her and she couldn't handle that. Guys don't chase them or they will move further away from you. Try not to see them for a while. Occupy yourself. If you see them play it cool. Smile and pretend that your happy. I realized that there is more to life than relationships. I want to see what other women have to offer not just going out with them but becoming friends and learning what type of woman suits me. We have our whole lives for settling down. Smell the rosies guys.. The world doesn't go around your ex. Maybe she is the one for me but right now I like the fact that I can do whatever I want when I want (I have 2 holidays booked with my friends this year). If we don't get back together so what. I have learned alot from the relationship and have memories. Its now time to have some fun and for me to take time out. Guys be strong and confident in yourselves and before ye start another relationship be happy within yourself ( I finished with the new girlfriend cos I couldn't handle her emotional baggage as well as my own problems) Don't depend on no one only yourselves. Its hard I know but its your life not her life that is the most important thing when you break up.

True saying what you cant have you want and when you have it you dont appreciate it. Human nature is a funny thing.

Hope it helps some of you guys out there.

[Gilgamesh]

"Love is like a shadow, when you chase it, it runs away, when you turn back and walk away, it follows you."

[eterna2]

ya tat is so true!!!

tat is why we guys always suffer more after a breakup... sigh*

[stillthere]

Absolutely true what you said my friend but it all depends how someone feels.

 

I know my ex keeps on telling my "I am in a new rs you know that…I have a new boyfriend don't forget that" what ever I say or mention to go out for a cup of coffee or something she keeps on telling me that…I know she doesn't tell me that to let me know, because I already know that she does that just to make me feel bad. I decided since Saturday night not to call her any more and not to pick up the phone every time she calls me. On Saturday night a tolled her that I would like to see her and talk to her…she only tolled me well you know I am in a new rs now and I have to see and to talk to him and and and…I just said ok fine if we can't go out tomorrow and if I have to wait on your call than we don't have to go out…but now she is curious why I want to talk to her…she called me on Sunday but I didn't pick up the phone. If she calls me today I'll tell her that I am very busy and can't talk to her.

 

I know mind games are extremely stupid but people trust me with some people you have to play those games. I really, really hate doing that but with some girls/boys there is no way out.

[weng]

Still there,

Your right about every situation been different and your also right not to talk to her when ever she feels like it, that isn't fair. Let her have her new boyfriend. Just do the no contact for a while and see how it goes. She wants her cake and to eat it to by been friends. She's not suffering but you are. You get yourself a girlfriend and at least pretend to move on.

I played a trick on a woman in a bar one night to see what reaction I would get. I was walking by her and I told dont worry I'm not trying to chat you up. For the rest of the night she kept looking over at me. At the end of the night she came over to me and demanded to know why I didn't chat her up!!. She then tried to chat me up!. Again she wanted something that she couldn't have.

[Neo7]

Excellent post! Good insight and advice

[LovelyGuy]

guys, there is definitely a lot to be said and done thanks to 'mind games'. There is no better way for a partner or ex to experience what you experience when you reverse the situation. The tit-for-tat tactic is all conquering over any other in the long run. It is nearly always the woman that chooses the man and when she is interested and you do not reciprocate immediately, that flame never dies .. how many times have you heard a woman say "i have noticed you watching me" ... very few i bet! but how many times have you heard "why do you never talk to me?" or "why don't you like me?"

 

if anyone knows of a website of mind games in this context please advise as my g/f has a book called "The Rules" and I need some counter ammunition !

thanks

[simulacra]

What's with the mind games? If you really care (or cared) for someone I don't really understand the motivation for "getting them back" with mind games. If they've acted dishonourably or petty, then make a mental note that they are not worth your while and move on. To submit to the mind games yourself is to stoop to their level. Like you said, weng, you felt guitly playing her game when you saw her at the bar. That didn't feel too good, did it? It made you feel low, which is what she became after she left you. Doing things to move on is great, but there is no need to flaunt anything.

 

Also, girls hurt just as much in a breakup. It all depends on the person and the situation and the people involved. Sometimes guys are jerks too.

[stillthere]

mind-games = a fakle world??

 

mind-games = faking something??

 

mind-games = paying back??

 

but again it depends who it is...how it is...why is it etc. what works with you doesn't have to work with me

 

stillthere

[kerrio]

I'm glad that you sort of got your closure. But I would have to disagree on your gender takes on breakups. I think it all depends on which person does the breakup.

 

If a man breaks off a relationship with a woman, who will handle it better?

 

I don't think my ex (who broke up with me) feels as worse as I do right now because he was the one who decided to end things. So I believe that its a matter of the situation and also mainly on who ended the relationship.

 

Another question for the guys out there. If you were ever in a long-commitment relationship and decided to end it. Did you suffer any emotional heartaches or cry spells? Did you ever think about the decision that you made and then later regretted it? I have no idea how the male mind works, so I would like to have a man's opinion on it. Thanks

[weng]

Simulacra,

As you go through life we are going to met people who let you down who you never thought would and it toughens you up and makes you strong and unfortunately angry sometimes. I never deserved what happened to me and all her friends and my friends know that and she knows that now. I made the mistake of giving my body and soul to this woman and looked after her pretty well. So the "getting her back" was to prove to her and to myself that I could get on with my life without her. I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it for me. This world is survival sometimes of the fittest. I know it sounds horrible and crude and shouldn't be like that. But I learned not to look through this world with rose tinted glasses. Cos as soon as you do life gives you a kick up the backside. I know I sound like a pig but the only person you can count in your life is you end of story. Unfortunately what has happened to me has scarred me deep inside and I know there is women that I will let go cos of this

[stillthere]

one thing my mom tolled me couple of weeks ago was:

 

do not give everything to a girl right away....keep something for later, too.

 

she ment you shouldn't open your heart right away and show her that you would do anything for her and would go crazy about her and and and....you should put something on the side for later...

 

i think she was right and everytime i think about my ex i have to think about the words my mom tolled me, because i know what i have given to my ex....i am not saying she didn't give my anything back but hay

 

i'll just try to cool off for a while....as someone said...she has her new boyfriend and the new rs....and if she calls me i'll tell her am very busy or i woudn't pick up at all.....i am wonderning what's gonna happen after a while when she doesn't see my at some places and doesn't her from me...

 

take care guys,

 

stillthere

 

every situation is as unique as you are

[simulacra]

I agree with you, weng, that one needs to move on from a situation and one does become tougher after certain trying times. But I still stick by my opinion that mind games are not the way to go -- well, at least for me. You need to prove to yourself that you can move on -yes. But do you need to flaunt this in front of her -no. You know you will move on regardless -- whether you move on by pursuing new relationships or through self-improvement or whatever else, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you know that you can survive without her and by moving on you confirm to yourself that you have a strength within. I don't see a need to show anyone that strength. If they are deserving of you (ie. to see your strength and these good qualities you possess), they will realize this without your pointing it out. She has chosen to move on. That in itself is a choice to forego her priviledge of knowing you (good, bad, and ugly). If anything, knowing that you can survive without her and making a point of improving your life in her absense should be empowering enough for you. Sometimes when people need to make things obvious (ie. flaunting), it is only an exercise of self-convincing as if to convince yourself that you have moved on, but in reality, you have not. But when you know from within that you are okay with the situation and with yourself, you will be satisified with just doing what you do without showing it off.

[LovelyGuy]

playing mind games when a relationship is over is superfluous. I agree it is best to simply pick up your teeth and walk away with dignity. But if you are in a relationship that is not so simple or black-and-white then it may be necessary to play a few tricks. The levels or ups and downs a relationship sometimes goes through means it serves well to issue a wake up call to your partner.