Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 As I have posted in my other thread, my ex's aunt let me know the "truth" a few days ago... She said, my ex indeed is getting married to the girl he left me for, this spring already, after only 5 months of knowing her !!! For those, who don't know my story, a short summary. My ex and me were together for a bit more than 3,5 years, we were our first serious relationships and it was a good relationship (at least in my eyes). We had a LDR throughout the whole time In October 2010 my ex moved to an Arab country due to his job. I would have followed him end of this year 2011, after finishing university, to finally be with with him after all those years apart. In that country, it's only allowed to legally live together as a couple when you are married... before he broke up with me, he told me, he doesn't feel ready to marry yet and if I'm really sure, I wanna give up my life in Germany to be with him, far away from my family and friends to go to the desert with... I would have done all that, in order to be with...I got some information and I think I would have found a job there as well. In August, after having a break about 2 weeks before the actual breakup, he left me for another girl, the one he is engaged to now... I feel sooo horrible!! It was such a HUGE SETBACK for me!!! I feel so betrayed and yet I envy her so much for being able to live the life with him, that I always dreamed of, with the man I loved so much What can I do against the pain?? Nothing seems to help, even when I try to distract myself, I can't can't the horrible thoughts, the images out of my mind ... I know, by doing this, my ex shows, he isn't the ONE for me, but still, it HURTS me so so much to know, they are engaged already after only 5 (!!!) months together, 3 months also in a LDR! I know, the main reason to marry is for them to be able to be together, but still, with her, he is willing to take that step... is she so great?? Is he soooo much in love with her, to take such a decision after such a short amount of time together?? I don't understand it... What can I do to feel better??? I don't understand, how he can move on so very fast from me?? And how he is able to take such a major step with someone he barely knows after a long term relationship with me?? I know, I shouldn't take it personally, but how can I not? I mean, to me he says, he doesn't feel ready (with other words, I'm not the one) and then she comes along and he is so very sure, that she is the one to marry??? I don't get it.... I know, I need to stop thinking about it, but it is so extremely hard after hearing those news... How can he forget me like I never existed?? Did the time together with me, mean absolutely NOTHING to him??? I feel so so so so sad... please, I need some encouraging words!!! P.S: I already told the aunt, I never ever want to hear any news from him... and I defriended all of his friends connected to me on facebook. The last thing on earth, I want to see, is wedding pictures of my ex and his wife!! Link to comment
nihongo Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 how old is he? so, you think he married her so they could live legally together in the arab country? Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 My ex is 28. I don't now for sure if that is the only reason why they are engaged already... but that is the only answer that makes sense to me... I don't think, they would marry so soon otherwise...move in together yes, but not marrying if that wasn't the only necessary step to be together... Link to comment
TidalWave Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 That bast*rd lied to you. People use words to lie and cover up their true intentions, fool is that who believes in what people say. Always look at what people do, not what they say. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 That bast*rd lied to you. People use words to lie and cover up their true intentions, fool is that who believes in what people say. Always look at what people do, not what they say. Yes, in hindsight, I have realized, his words were lies towards the end...you are right, words don't mean anyting, actions count! It just hurts me that I haven't noticed when the lying started at the end of our relationship. Until the second he told me, he wanted the break, I was happy with him and I thought he was, too, since he never told me the contrary... During that break of course, I realized something was going wrong and I had the strong feeling that this means the end of our relationship. But at that point, I had no idea of the other girl, no idea, that he was already persuing a relationship with her, while still being with me, in a break, but not officially broken up yet... I was such a fool that I haven't noticed any signs...he was a really good actor... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 He may have been with her far longer than you think... since it's an LDR, he could have been dating her forever for all you know, and just covered it up. He's not going to tell his relatives and you that he's a cheater, especially if he wants his family to like her, he will pretend he only took up with her after he broke up with you. Regardless, i know this is hard, but it will ultimately help you heal faster because you know returning to him is not a possibility and it is time to heal and put him in the past so that you can find someone new to share your life with. And frankly, i suspect you would have hated it where he is having to leave all your family and friends and enter a country with a culture that is so radically different than your own, so in the long run, it is best to find someone more suitable for yourself once your healing is complete, and it WILL get better if you really commit yourself to healing rather than looking back. Link to comment
theartofruin Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Destiny -- why on earth is his aunt telling you this??! No contact doesn't just mean you don't phone your ex! Any mention/reference to him need to be avoided. As you know, me and you are in the same situation -- and it would KILL me if I knew my ex was getting engaged or married but I have totally blocked out any way I could find out. She could be married already or she could have died in a car accident, but at least I'll never know. Our ex's betrayed us, they aren't who we want them to be, and we will never, ever see them again. There's no point clinging to any hopes or memories. All of these setbacks are just going to delay your healing process. Trust me, if I was still getting news about my ex (even insignificant stuff such as "she bought a red dress" or "she now prefers pepsi to coke") it would mess with my head and heart and stop my healing. Link to comment
Mttens Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I`m so sorry you`re going through this, Destiny. I`ve been following your posts and I know how hard it is for you. I`m 6 months out of a 12 years relationship with a guy I loved more than I loved myself. I loved him with all his good and bad parts. He was the first guy I could see myself living my live with. One day he was holding my hand and acting like nothing was wrong, the next day he was leaving me to marry and have kids with his new girlfriend. I wont get too much into the details of my relationship and break up, but I do remember asking my ex why is he willing to throw everything we had for a "temporary love", for someone he doesn't even know so well. He said its not a temporary thing. I had no idea at that time why he was saying that, considering it started "a month ago". But in time I realized that "one month ago" was simply just another lie. From what I know now it started at least 6-8 months before our BU. Adding the fact that they had a "mutual attraction for over an year" makes it even longer. I don't even want to know if she was the first one he cheated on me with or just the one who managed to get him in the end. Right now I question every moment of our relationship. I was naive, I trusted him, even while he was breaking up with me, I was believing every word. I don't know who this person is anymore. He had my trust, he had his freedom, he had support from me on everything he ever wanted to do. I don't believe in keeping my bf as a prisoner to have him faithful to me. That was my choice and I don't regret it. His choice was to lie and deceive. His choices are not my faults. So I`d say one thing is for sure; you have nothing to envy her for. She may have him, she may be living the life you wanted for the two of you, but she didn't get a better him, he is still a guy who is able of lies and betrayal, someone who`s extremely self-centered and self-serving, who is ok with the destruction he has caused just because it doesn't hurt him. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Ahhh, I have no idea, why she was telling me this, she thought I needed to "know the truth"!! I think, she just wanted to help me and didn't have a clue what those news would do to me It was a Happy New Year email and I was happy when I received it until I read the content I couldn't hold back my tears I wish, I had never ever got that news...in a few years down the line, it wouldn't bother me that much anymore, but now...ah, it killed me... but really, I have learned my lesson from that... I deleted everything that connected me ti him, blocked his email adress and defriended all of the aquaintances I met trhrough him. I told his aunt, I don't want to hear anything about him anymore and I need some time for myself, time to heal and I'll contact her again, when I feel ready, after some time has passed.... so NO MORE NEWS for me!!! You are right, I need to avoid any reference to him in my life....that is the only way I can get over him and continue my healing.... At least I know the truth now... and I know it is definetely over once for all, no more hopes, nothing...I'll never ever want to see or talk to my ex again, NEVER!!! Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Oof, I'm sorry, that must be painful. Try to remember the things that annoyed you about him when you guys were together. You weren't the right one for him, but he wasn't the right one for you either! Focus on healing yourself so that you can find the one who is right for you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Hi - I am very sorry for this. it sounds incredibly painful, but like lavenderdove said, in the grand scheme of things, this might be the best thing that could have happened to you. i too wonder if he's known/dated her longer than he claims. 2 - would you have really been happy being so far away from everyone you loved, in a foreign country? it's a blessing in disguise that his aunt told you. i guess you had to find out somehow, now you have, sooner rather than later. so you can take that knowledge and move forward with your life. it hurts, but you'll get through it. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thanks for your encouraging words, Mttens!! I'm sooo sorry you had to go through the same horrible situation and you had to experience this pain as well... You know, HOW horrible it feels... when was your break- up? Probably it's for the best that we don't know the whole truth, when all the lying, cheating and betraying started... it would only cause additional pain and it wouldn't change the fact, that they are gone, that they chose someone else over us... that is hard enough to cope with already.... you express so very well, what is going through my head right now, I question his love our relationship, everything... I guess, like in your case, my ex met his gf way earlier than I thought and probably they were attracted to each other for quite a while already...but I'll never know the truth and that is OK... Like you, I was very naive, too, blinded by my strong love for him. I thought I knew my ex so well after all those years, I trusted him, believed every word he said, also during the break up, I believed his words and after some time, all the things that didn't make sense to me in the beginning, suddenly became clear to me and his behaviour wasn't as confusing as I thought in the beginning... on the contrary, in the hindsight, his whole behaviour only shows, that he had made his decision long ago and that he had planned the break up for a while... that became clear to me now... You are right, in the long run, I'm better off without him...I hope, I'll grasp that soon and truly believe it. If my ex is able to show such negative sides of his character to me, who can guarantee, he won't show it to his new gf, or the next, or the next... he proved of what he is capable of, as you say, lies and betrayal and only cares about his own happiness, regardless of how much harm and pain he causes former loved ones... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Hi - I am very sorry for this. it sounds incredibly painful, but like lavenderdove said, in the grand scheme of things, this might be the best thing that could have happened to you. i too wonder if he's known/dated her longer than he claims. 2 - would you have really been happy being so far away from everyone you loved, in a foreign country? it's a blessing in disguise that his aunt told you. i guess you had to find out somehow, now you have, sooner rather than later. so you can take that knowledge and move forward with your life. it hurts, but you'll get through it. Thanks annie!! Probably you are right and in the grand scheme of things it's a blessing that all that happened to me... I can't say, if I had been happy so far away from my home country, friends and family... I guess in the beginning yes, I would have been happy, since I could have finally been with him, I always dreamed of that. But after lets say 1 year or 2, maybe I would have only suffered, I don't know... It just that I wished I could have made my own decision about my life and find out if that would be the life for me or not and not let him decide everything, without leaving me any choice at all... but, that is how break ups are, one has to make the decision, the other one has to learn to cope... I'll never find out, if my ex met/ dated her longer than he claims...but actually it doesn't matter, it doesn't change the facts and it doesn't change the he was lying and deceiving me for at least 2-3 weeks prior the break up... Probably you are right and it's indeed a blessing in disguise that his aunt told me... once I recovered from that "news" , I can take that knowledge and move on and continue my healing... That he is capable of all that, only shows me, that it was just not meant to be... who knows, what else destiny has planned for me Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 I have no idea... when I think of it, I still can't see any hints, but maybe he was a good actor and acting is much easier when you are in a LDR, that is true! Anything else would be really weird... but I have no idea anymore what is going on in that guy's head... I gave up trying to understand his behaviour and actions, it doesn't make any sense to me anyways... Probably you are right and know that fact will indeed ultimately help me healing faster, since there is absolutely no more room for any kind of hope of reconciliation! And probably the break up was for the best, the more I think about it, the more I think, I might not have liked it there, at least not permanently... I just wished I could have found that out on my own, without another person deciding over my life... No more news or updates about my ex ever....that is the only way for me to heal...I just wished, the pain would go away, it still hurts soooo badly Link to comment
Jewels7 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I completely agree with what everyone has been saying. You will probably never know how long, but that's for the best. I feel like my relationship with my ex was a lie the whole time, and I know there is a bunch more things that people know about him, but I told them I don't want to know. In the end it does nothing but hurt me and cause a setback. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex had a g/f, but I don't want to know. It would kill me, so I can imagine what you are going through knowing. In time it will get better (although time really really sucks at the moment). Let's say you did move to be with him. You would now be broken up with him still more than likely (a leopard doesn't change his spots just because you move in with him). Now you would be living in a completely foreign country with no family or friends, and you would no longer have him either. So yes, I do believe it is a blessing in disguise. Just as everyone tells me that finding out the truth before my ex and I got married was God's way of protecting me, I believe it was probably the same way for you. It doesn't make it any easier, it still hurts like hell. But eventually the pain will lessen, and you will find an amazing guy who would never do the things your ex did to you. You deserve so much better than that. Link to comment
1527eternal Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Be glad that you got rid of him. I have lived long enough to know that the "pattern always continues". What he did to you, he will eventually do to her. I guarantee it. Move on. Better things are up ahead for you. I can guarantee you that too. I am living proof. Been through hell and back and I lived to tell the story. Link to comment
Starrgrl Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I know how you feel. It hurts. My ex didn't leave me. But he DID cheat through the whole relationship. And I didn't suspect a thing. This is effed me up really bad and I'm having emotional issues bc of it. All those lies. All those 'promises.' I just felt like dying afterwards. Guess all you can do is be strong. And have faith. It takes time, but everything happens for a reason. You'll meet someone better who will be true to you. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 I know how you feel. It hurts. My ex didn't leave me. But he DID cheat through the whole relationship. And I didn't suspect a thing. This is effed me up really bad and I'm having emotional issues bc of it. All those lies. All those 'promises.' I just felt like dying afterwards. Guess all you can do is be strong. And have faith. It takes time, but everything happens for a reason. You'll meet someone better who will be true to you. Thanks for your nice words!!! I'm sorry you had to experience those lies and betrayal as well... it's a horrible feeling when you slowly slowly find out the truth and things you didn't understand in the beginning suddenly make sense... In the end, we must be happy we got rid of them...it's for our own sake... I do believe in destiny as well and I believe, too, that everythin in life happens for a reason...I just need to trust my faith that everything will turn out for the better for me eventually... even though my pain feels unbearable at the moment... I keep myself busy these days and surround myself with family and friends and I'm already feeling a little, little better than yesterday... I try to be strong and do my best to become happy again...my ex doesn't deserve any tears from me, not a single thought, nothing... I wish, I could just forget his existence for now, until I'm me again, stronger than ever and healed... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Be glad that you got rid of him. I have lived long enough to know that the "pattern always continues". What he did to you, he will eventually do to her. I guarantee it. Move on. Better things are up ahead for you. I can guarantee you that too. I am living proof. Been through hell and back and I lived to tell the story. Being cheated on is really really horrible It shatters your self esteem and leaves you with soo many doubts... Thanks for your encouraging words... I believe it's for the better and if it all hadn't happened now, it would have happened later on I guess, just a matter of time... omg, if had already married him, moved to him and he would start cheating on me then... ahhh, HORRIBLE!! Better that it's over now, anything that would have happened later on would have been way worse... You are right, I indeed have a feeling that better things are ahead for me... I'm starting my way out of hell now...;-) Link to comment
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