Relationship "Breaks". Please help-I'm in despair

[Jaimie]

Hi all...

 

I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could offer on this situation.

 

My Girlfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We've lived together for four of those years. We're officially on a break at the moment and I am absolutely devastated. My GF is Italian and she's on her usual summer break to Italy. We live together in London. She's 24 and I'm 26.

 

She instigated the break. The last year has been majorly stressful. Her final year of university, lots of health problems for her, deaths in her family. It's been bad. On top of that our sex life has suffered because of the above and also because she had an illness which prevented us from having sex.

 

When I met her she was a virgin. She'd had relationships before but nothing sexual. She was also very inexperienced and naive about life. She's an only child and her parents did everything for her so she was very dependant on others. Well...we met and within 4 months she had moved from Italy to be with me.

 

4 years later she has completely transformed. I have taught her so much. She is now strong, confident, self sufficient and completely able to deal with everything. I've been encouraging of everything I could. Supporting her in everything she did. I've been giving and giving and giving for 4 years and haven't expected much in return. Just being with her has been enough for me.

 

I'm not a jealous person and never have been. I've never pressured her over anything and have always given her time and space. However, this summer jealousy took hold of me for some reason. I know this is wrong but I suspected something for some reason. I just felt it. I checked her emails and noticed she had sent an email to some guy. It was nothing major but she was being really familiar and friendly towards some guy she had only known for a week - a guy she was working with in Italy.

 

I confronted her about it and she denied anything. I'm unfotunately very perceptive about these things and knew something wasn't right. So I pressed and finally she admitted she'd been flirting with him and liked him. Then amidst all this she told me she needed to take a break over the summer.

 

Of course, I was stunned and upset. She said that she "needed to clear her head of all the problems we'd been having" Her attitude is that if she's capable of liking another guy then maybe that means she doesn't love me as much as she thinks.

 

Anyway - I was in despair and absolutely devasated. I am a strong person but this floored me. For three days I felt the worst I've ever felt. During that period she was cold, callous and insensitive. She didn't give a damn. I couldn't believe the change. For a week after that we hardly contacted each other. I sent her a couple of emails. Every now and then she'd mak my phone ring.

 

Now - today she called me. She's been dating a guy. She's kissed the guy and gone a little further (not heavy petting but touching etc) The guy in question was working with her and has now left and gone back to his own country. She says that her feelings have changed towards me die to the last year. She says that she feels like dating other guys. She says that this guy who just left wants to come back and visit her and if he does she will date him again - she also says it's just attraction and she has no feelings for him.

 

She said that when she returns to London in September we'll try again and see if she can recapture the feelings she had for me before. If not then we'll break up.

 

I know - I sound like a mug for putting up with this but I am so in love with her. This is girl who has been madly in love with me for 4 years too. Even up to 2 weeks ago everything was fine and now things have drastically changed. I can't imagine my life without her.

 

However, I don't think I can handle the fact she's already been with another guy and is planning to date other guys over the summer. I said yes to the break but I'm so gutted by what's happened. In my head I know what I must do. I need to end it now and salvage some self respect.

I changed my entire life for this girl and this is how she treats me. I gave her everything and that now appears to count for nothing. I know some of you here understand the anguish I'm going through.

 

On one level I can understand. She's only ever been with me sexually and our sex life has suffered recently. Maybe she needs to have this time to get it out of her system. Maybe her natural curiosity of what other guys can be like has taken over. Again, like Caveat above, I knew this day would come - that's the insane part. I knew it in my heart but just hoped it wouldn't happen.

 

My heart tells me to just give her the space and let her do whatever it is she wants to do in the hope that it will make our relationship stronger. I don't want t make a mistake and end it and miss out on a potential future with her. I just can't deal with the mental torture of picturing her with other guys. It's tearing me apart. If it was just a break then I could deal with it. The fact that she's actually been folling around with another guy is what I can't take.

 

She's not back for another month and a half at least. I don't think I can deal with the uncertainty and heartbreak for all that time.

 

I'm utterly devastated, deflated and in despair.

 

Bascially my questions are: Should I take her back even though she'd already been with another guy? What would you guys/gals do in this situation? Is she treating me badly or am I overreacting?

 

Any opinions would be gratefully received.

[Maverick44]

Hey man,

 

I know you're hurting over this. I think we've all, in one way or another, been there and can relate.

 

But, she wants a break. You've done the right thing by giving it to her. Did you want to? No. But you did.

 

Now, like you said, the thing you can do is let her live her life and you do yours. That means that YOU must now start working on things for yourself. That means YOU must now date other women. That means YOU must now get into your hobbies and things you like. You are going to have to move on past this girl and become a strong person so that by the time she comes back in a month and a half, you are not cow-towing to everything she wants. Because if you do that, she probably won't want to come back anyways.

 

My suggestion is that you take a few steps back from this. Look at the big picture. I know you wanted to spend your life with her. Unfortunately, she, out of free will, chose this path. Give her the path she chose and now make your own path as you must or if you try to force her from that path she will resent you. She knows how you feel. Believe that. She knows you hurt. I'm sure you've told her you didn't want this. But she knows. I don't see what else you should do.

 

Good Luck,

 

Maverick

[saltwatergirl]

So basically, she wants the summer off to go run around with other guys, and then get back with you after its over. Kind of like a vacation or just put you on pause while she goes and has her fun this summer. And you wait right there and she'll be back when its over (maybe).

 

And you want to know if you should accept it?

 

Think about what you are asking. There are many times I'd love to just "check out" of my life for a bit, then resume it later. But that isn't reality.

 

I mean really, think about this.

[TheDoctor]

Damn man what an $$#%$^%^%^$&^%&^%&^%~!!!!!! Seriously...is there a word in the dictionary for a cold hearted snake like that? You gave her 4 years of your life and she gave hers and one day she just changed? God dont you just love that my man! Same here with my ex except it was 1 1/2 years. The truth is this bro....none of us can imagine our lives without our exs. But guess what? Remember 4 years ago before you met your ex? You can barely remember and feel it I know but from infantile-22 you didnt have your ex in your life and you lived and you can do it again and find someone even better. The truth is and this will be a hard pill to swallow and I hate to be the person to deliver it but it's over in my opinion. Its not so much the kissing its the lying about it and saying she has no feelings for the guy. Girls arent like guy....when they kiss there is always feeling to it. I dont know what has happened to her.....and its ironic because my ex lost her grandmother a few months before we broke up and she began acting weird too.

 

Now onto what you should do for YOURSELF and how to get your ex back and your LIFE BACK ON TRACK! Dont neccesarily jump on the NC bandwagon but ignore her. Let her know your not some coat she can just grab out of the closet whenever she wants! As long as your bending over for her shes gonna treat you like that because she knows she owns you! The day you put her lil rear end back in place shell either come back crawling or just run away. The truth is this is your only bet of anything good happening. Believe me, I sat there and cried and asked WHY IM SO GOOD TO U WHY WHY WHY?!!!!!! But it just makes them guilty and it gives you an extra week or two MAX. Just let go.......enjoy your freedom. I feel for you so much because its such a stressful place and time to be in but believe me feeling alone without her is a different pain but it sure as hell beats loving a girl who is keeping your heart in her back pocket. Remember this pain today and in a few months when you forget why you wanted to breakup remember this and say OH YEAH! Best of luck to you

[Cecelius]

Agreed. Its posts like this that make me realize again and again that you always have to have some distance from the person you're with and that long term monogamy is not likely.

 

She was too young and inexperienced. A common understanding at least over here is that no one under 25 can be trusted long term -- it just isn't worth the hassle.

 

Ignore her and get on with your life. If you live together, move or figure out who's leaving, etc., and spend the rest of this summer putting the moves on other girls, getting drunk, being an idiot or whatever you feel like doing. When she comes back, she'll be shocked that you moved on.

[Jaimie]

Thanks for the replies. They were really appreciated.

 

Well today I took action.

 

I called her up in the morning and dumped her. How can anyone who apparently loves me and cares for me treat me so badly?! She treated me like a dog - like 4 and a half years together meant zip. She tries to duck responsibility by saying things like "It's my feelings - I can't control them" What a load of crap. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Everyone makes their choice and chooses their path. She chose to see another guy. She chose to get up close and personal. It's her responsibility.

 

She put me in an impossible situation: Agree to this break or we're through. Let me do whatever I like or we're through. I felt totally powerless. She used my love for her against me and I was lost. Well...not anynore.

 

I've taken the power back. Now I'm the one who's in control. When I was telling her about leaving she was crying her eyes out making all kinds of excuses. I'm not vidictive usually but I want her to feel bad about what she'd done. She called me back three times in one hour after the original call I made was finished. She started being all nice and tender and saying wait till she returns in September.

 

Fcuk that. It's about self respect. No self respecting person would take what she did to me. This situation highlighted my weakness for a couple of weeks but no more. She really expects that I'll take her back after she's been fooling around with another guy for two weeks?!

 

After this I was in a rage all day - thinking and realising how badly she'd treated me. When I got home I called her up and told I don't even want to see her again. Ever. I told her I was so angry with her. We live together so it will be tricky but if it means I have to move all her stuff to storage and avoid her then so be it.

 

She reacted by trying to make even more excuses for her bahaviour and trying to shift blame to me for not "understanding" about her break. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions. She said things like "you'll lose out in the end" I just told her that she will regret it - not me. And she will.

 

The tragic thing is I still love her more than ever but I can't take the betrayal. Going on a break is one thing - i could have understood if it was just a time and space thing. She didn't waste five minutes hooking up with another guy though and that's the thing I find unforgivable. I can't move past it. That combined with the emotional torture she put me through for two weeks ignoring me, lying to me and generally being cold and callous.

 

Her emotional immaturity is actually quite astounding. She really thought that I would just sit back for three months whilst she fooled around with guy aftet guy then somehow magically we would get back together and everything would be fine?! If there's a guy out there who could do that then I salute your strength.

 

I actually feel like I've overreacted now slightly by telling her I never want to see her again. I do obviously but I really want to punish her for what she put me through. If push comes to shove though I will be able to not see her. I can be cold and distant too and she's going to find that out.

 

I don't know how she'll react to this. If she wants me back she'll have to fight for me. End of story.

[TheDoctor]

Wow my situation with yours was a little different but the breakup was identical. I too told my ex I never want to see her again and I now slightly regret saying it because CLEARLY I didnt mean it. But she knows I do want to see her and talk to her again. So she should come back to talk ....maybe some year. Anyway, any guy willing to put up with that crap isnt strong hes stupid. The truth is you did the right thing and you got the perfect result. Her crying and stressing. The message youve sent and need to keep sending is I love you but I have self worth and I wont let you use my love like a voodoo doll....sorry honey. If that turns her on and it stops all the problems great...if not bye bye. Itll save you the heartache anyway. So enjoy your already good success youve had with her calling back

[Cecelius]

I honestly feel that to be a man, you decide what you want to do, figure out if it meets your personal code of conduct, then do it. No back and forth, no heming and no "venting". Getting angry is fine, but in the end a man is in control.

 

Personally, with my g/f, she knows that I love her and care for her and am there for her. She also knows that I am willing to compromise on some things (like what movie to see, whether to go out tonight, ordinary stuff). She also knows that if I see an ounce of nonsense (drunk with a bunch of other guys, needing to take "breaks", etc.) that we're done -- no emotion, no big fight, no unrest -- just walking away.

 

Just walk away. She may not cheat on the next boyfriend but she'll never get the chance to NOT cheat on you.

[DaniNYC21]

I think that giving her this time to decide what she wants is a good idea. However, you need to take full advantage of the situation as well. You are doing this because this is something SHE needs to do but what about what YOU need. Perhaps this break can benefit you as well. During this break allow yourself to see what else is out there for you. Sometimes we believe we love people because they are all we know...we are comfortable. But that is not love. Find out what you want in life because she may not be it.

[hazlcha]

You have great courage and strength. And it's so important that you shared your emotions with her and acknowledged your own dignity. She seems to be quite immature in the way she acted, but she learned a valuable lesson about you. Peope can change, the question is is it a lasting change. You should never feel locked in an "angry" mode, but you felt anger and you expressed it, and she heard you. See if she really changes, and if she really matures through this. Then see how you feel and be a man.

 

The world has a way of sending us messages, and you can grow as a person by asking what this whole relationship and betrayal and aftermath are teaching you as a human being. Then go with that, grow with that.

 

Success to you.

[justtwicethen]

AAAAAAAAAARGHHHH that Italian girl make me so FKIN angry!!!

 

 

You gave her your life man....you were her pillar in hard times...

 

But you are way out of her league. I mean, see this objectively. This Mamamia italian pasta has the audacity to tell you, "Oh, I just kissed this one guy, and have no feelings for him but if he returns I'll date him" WTF???

 

She is either downright COLD or harbours some serious feelings of vengeance towards you. DO YOU REALIZE SOMETHING?

 

In the 4 years that you made her who she is today (i.e strong, confident). She may have grown to see you as a COMPETITOR?? Maybe she is envious of you.

 

Do me a favor. Do your heart a favor. Let is woman go. Women like her, give the fairer sex a bad name. LET HER GO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?? If you don't YOU AND I CAN meet at Waterloo bridge or Trafalger square and fight it out. LET HER GO!!!

[Jaimie]

Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

 

justtwicethen

 

I hear you. I feel exactly as you describe. I've finished with her and told her she has to move out as soon as she returns. She's been on the phone to me constantly trying to persuade me otherwise. I wouldn't budge.

 

So far, today she's called me 15 times and I haven't answered one call. I haven't replied to any messages. I spoke to her yesterday and reiterated my feelings. I asked her if she was still in contact with this guy and she is. She said he emails her every day and she replies.

 

That just pissed me off even more. She doesn't see the problem and keeps making excuses..."He's just a friend" etc. That just makes me even more angry. If she has no feelings for this guy then why can't she let him go? Why can't she just delete his email address and stop contact? Surely if she has no feelings she'd be able to do that or am I wrong somehow?

 

She sent me an email last night saying such things as "I can't believe how bad I behaved" and "I shocked even myself by what I did" and " I feel lost and don't recognise myself at the moment" and " I can't imagine my life without you" and "if you're willing to give me another chance then it means we can overcome anything and become stronger"

 

I still love her. I just can't seem to forgive her. I can't get past the images in my head of her in the hotel room with this guy. She jumped right in without any hesitation and without any thought for me or our relationship. At this point, I can't see us getting back together.

[flamingsnail]

I joined this forum just to post here. What has happened to you sounds very similar to what just happened to me. And it sounds like you are at about the same stage too. It is reassuring to me to find that this happens to others as well.

 

My girl and I were approaching 5 years together. We had lived together for about 2 years. Like you, I feel as if I have spent all this time building her up and being her pillar and have gotten very little in return. It was as you put it: being with her was reward enough for me. All of a sudden she broke off contact with me and was being cold and callous, exactly as you describe. I demanded that we meet in person to talk about whatever issues were the problem. I didn't even know what the issues were at that point. So we set up our meeting. At the meeting, I found out that 2 days before she was making out with some other guy at a party. I had always trusted her, and never worried about things like that. The trust I gave her was absolute. And she chose to abuse that trust.

 

Anyways, at that point, I still wanted to make things work, but she did not. She said that she wanted a break. I said no, it has to be in absolutes. We are either together or we are not. I wasn't willing to dance around the issue. So we are no longer together. And I hate it. It has been a pit of sadness for me and still is. I just can't comprehend why she was willing to throw away all that we had, and I'm sure you're asking yourself that question too. She seemed so cold and so unfeeling, it was like a completely different person. And she couldn't, or was unwilling to give me any of the answers I wanted. She couldn't tell me why. And that is the worst part. Oh yeah, and she gave me the whole lets be friends line.

 

But you are right, it is about dignity. There will be no second chances. The trust has been broken, and cannot be repaired. I still love her as well, but I'm trying to move on, and look out for myself. It is very hard to do when you have been looking out for someone else for that long. I hope that there are people out there more deserving of my trust, but I haven't convinvced myself that there are.

 

Everyone tells me that things will get better, but at this point I can't believe them, so I'm not going to tell you the same thing. Give yourself some time to adjust to not having her in your life. I know it's hard, it's hard for me too.

[Jaimie]

Thanks for your advice Flaming Snail...I sincerely hope your situation works out for you.

 

I don't know what to do for the best.

 

Three days ago I told her I don't want to get back together. For the last two days she's been bombarding me with calls, emails, txts etc. yesterday alone she called me over 30 times. I didn't answer one call - I just ignored them. She wants to try again in September when she returns.

 

As I said in the original message, our sex life suffered over the last year due to things beyond our control (Numerous health problems for her including one which specifrically meant we couldn't have sex, deaths in the family, Final year exam stress etc...) She says as a result of all that she lost her feelings for me a lttle and now she needs to see me to make sure that she is able to find me attractive again like before the problems.

 

This is her latest email to me...

 

 

"Please Jaimie, try to understand my position as well... I told u long time ago that my feelings for u were changed and I told u I needed a break.. I was confused and unsure long time before he came along... He just arrived in a moment of real weakness and vulnerability after all the problems and stress I had...if he came during a happy time I wouldnt even look at him, do u understand? Im not a cheater, Ive been put down by lots of negative situations, I was a lone here, I was confused about my feelings for u and it happened. I know Ive got no excuses but it wasnt a normal time in my life. Plus our emails are very plain, no nice things, I promise... He only said he feels like a homewreker and guilty of creating problems thats all he siad. He never said he'll come back and never said things like Im here for u. Not even near and me neither. We both know it was only a summer thing... All the things I said in these days are part of my confusion, I dont know what to do and what to say and Im so lost. If I could promise u that we could be happy again I would but I cant coz Im not sure. First of all coz u cannot see why I did what I did and then because u blame me for everything and make me feel like u dont like me as a person anymore and u dont believe me when I try to explain. I told u to give me time and that in September we could have tried again, start fresh for the last time...but u dont wanna know. Jaimie, I know u understand, now u're just blinded by hate...I wanted u to calm down and then try again... I can stop contacting him if we can back together, no problem with that. And then I dont care if u forgive me or not coz I know that Ive done what Ive done coz I was in a particular moment of my life and thats not the way I usually behave.I dont need forgiveness, I need another chance in September, the last chance, and if it doesnt work at least we can say we tried again to save us. U dont understand all the pressure I had lately and the sadness to see our relationship becoming more and more a friendship and that I couldnt have sexual contact with my own boyfriend. I kept thinking I had a problem, u have to understand...I felt I wasnt normal... Im sorry I had to hurt u to find out it was the pill that caused me to be unable to have sex, but I was going mad...I had to know. I dont expect u to understand right now coz u're still mad and hurt but at least put yourself in my position. If u'll want to give me another chance in September is up to u otherwise I suppose from the way u describe me, u wont lose much anyway... U dont know how hard is for me to read the bad things u write about me..things that I hate most in people and u use them to describe me. Ure unfair, u want to hurt me back only for tha sake of it.. well, u did it. But inside me I know Im a good girl that made a mistake in a very difficult moment of her life"

 

Part of me wants her back as I still love her but there's a part of me that just can't forget the images of her with another guy or the betrayal of trust. What happens if she meets another guy she likes in the future? How can I trust her to behave? She said that she wishes she'd hidden what happened for the whole summer and told me face to face so she could "hug me and make me suffer less" What?! If she's so willing to hide something for so long maybe she'll do the same in the future.

 

plus she STILL in contact with the guy! In her email she says she'll stop contacting him if we get back together. Is this reasonable behaviour? Am I overreacting that she's still in contact with him? If he means nothing to her and she wants us together why can't she give him up?

 

At this stage I've told her we're over and there's no going back. Perhaps I'm just afraid that when she returns it won't be like it used to be. She clearly wants to try again but I know myself - I won't be able to forgive so easily. Can it work again? Is it worth me trying again...

 

Any thoughts appreciated!

 

JK

[lillady898]

Wow, you are so incredibly strong. Stronger than I ever would've been able to be. I think it's really amazing that you are able to not answer the phone when she calls and such.

 

Honestly, I think you should forgive her. I'm not saying take her back or anything, but just forgive her. It'll take a lot of that extra baggage off your shoulders. I didn't think it would work when I had my heart broken, but it really did. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's not healthy to be around someone who doesn't even realize their mistakes, but forgiveness can help you even more than it'd help her. It's weird, but it truly, truly worked for me. It made me feel like twice the person and it made it easier to get through the pain without thinking how mad and depressed I was.

 

Still, hold your ground. If you know you don't want to be with her, then don't. Just say, "I love you and I forgive you, but I don't want to be hurt by you again."

 

Good luck, and God bless!

[me4ta]

Hey, hang in there, my boyfriend asked me for a break a week ago, out of the blue, while being drunk over a game of flipcup (he's 25 and still flipping those cups, goddamit)

 

Anyways, we decided to break up for good two days ago, and you know why I agreed and didn't beg? Because when you live with a person long enough, you make sacrifices and put your heart and soul into the relationship - and suddenly you get a "break" - you can't trust that person anymore. Two weeks ago, she (your girl) was fine, and now she's not grieving her family dreads and seeing other boys.....How interesting. Tell me, if say she comes back and asks you to get back together, will you be able to live normally with her like before? Not really, you'll always have this fear - what if she does it again? You'll be suspicious of her behaviour even if she's not up to anything. It's like a snake that was planted in your relationship and you'll have to live with it.

 

For her? She's immature, maybe you were like a father figure to her, taking care of her sh%%t all the time - so her love for you transformed into a different feeling. You're right, she wants to go explore her options, but you can't sacrifice your life like that, unless you're Ghandi.

 

Move on, forget about her. My ex boyfriend didn't appreciate me the way I KNOW I should be appreciated. I feel the pain of rejection. We were together for a year, he was all over me and telling me all the time how great and beautiful I am. I was doing things for him and he was caring too, we were so alike and had so much fun.....But suddenly, being drunk because he was too much of a p*$#(*%sy to do it sober, he broke up with me.

 

I feel like hell, my self esteem is soaring, BUT, man you have to put yourself together, concentrate on your life, and when she sees that you're not available for her 24/7, she'll start thinking. When we beg and try to convince them to come back, the only thing they think is that they made a right decision, or they feel sorry for us - not very sexy.

 

So my advice is, be strong, you can do it, she'll see you're having your own life, stopped obsessing and seeing other women, she'll might come back - but I'm sure that by that time, you'll question if you need her in your life or not. Most likely NOT.

[justtwicethen]

I understand that you still have feelings for her. Thats normal after having cared for her and basically, brought her up.

 

 

But please understand that a girl, a CONFUSED girl like this is NOT sophisticated, mentally or emotionally. You however, are. You can tend not only to your emotions but also to hers. In return, you DESERVE a pillar.

 

Your heart now feels like forgiving her, but that image of her in that room with that freak you haven't even seen...just keeps holding you back.

 

You know Jamie, there are relationships in which people make eachother happy and are generally light hearted (i.e laughter, fidelity e.t.c). Then there are relationships where even after 4 years of love, a girl has the audacity to do what ITALIANO did to you.

 

In life, the hardest way out is always the right way. Trust me....walk away now. Show that you are a man and that she has LOST you.

 

Because a girl that can hurt you once, can and WILL hurt you again.

[Jaimie]

Justtwicethen

 

Thanks for tips again pal. I know you're right. I'm trying to do exactly as you describe. I told her it was over and there was no possibility of us getting back together. I told her I was packing her stuff for when she returns. I did start packing but I couldn't do it as it was too hard.

 

During this period of me telling her it was finished she was calling me constantly, emailing, texting etc trying to get me change my mind. I haven't. I did tell her I didn't pack her stuff though and that I missed her. I made a mistake...I know. I was so strong then I let it slip a little. I just had one of those moments where all the feelings I still have crept up on me.

 

Since then she has stopped calling. Probably thinks she's in the comfort zone again. I replied to an emal of hers yesterday telling her how busy I was and that I was basically going out every night. I also told her I'm seeing a female friend on Sunday for Lunch. She hasn;t contacted me since.

 

In my last email I told her that she still has to move out in September...mainly because I need to know that she wants us to go on because she wants me and needs to be with me...not just for the convenience of our living situation. If I let her movie straight back in I won't know for sure. Basically, if she wants me back she's going to have to fight like hell and prove it.

 

I want to just cut her off and move on but I'm not at that place yet. I still have strong feelings of love despite everything. Each day I wake hoping to feel them wearing off but they're still there.

 

Hopefully I'm on the right track though.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply.

[justtwicethen]

Lets rationalize alright?

 

 

After all these years she does this cold, brutal thing to your heart. Tell me then....isn't it possible that she is being kind to you, apologizing to you just so that she HAS AN ABODE?? A PLACE TO STAY IN THE EXPENSIVE CITY OF LONDON??

 

Please...there is very little sweet about this girl. If she truly cared about you, she would...I know this sounds crazy, but she would have to propose to you and tell you THAT SHE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH YOU.

 

What she has done to you is emotional abuse, physical abuse (no sex policy) and general torment.

 

 

Listen to me man, I know you feel like hugging her and kissing her but DONT. Dont you think I feel like going back to my ex after 1 year of being apart??? I miss her in every moment of my life. I cry when I'm alone. But she knows none of this..

 

BE STRONG MAN. YOU'RE THE MAN. (or are you Michelle's lil Stuart???)

[Cecelius]

Please dump her. Don't have any more drama over it, you're too cool it sounds to go through any more carp. Just dump her. Whoever she was before is gone -- just dump her.

[DavidBB78]

Jaimie and flamingsnail god I know how you feel. Bizarrely enough Jaimie I am half italian and half english. My girlfriend left me nearly 3 months ago (woul have been our 2nd anniversary on Monday). Again she had a troubled childhood, had been let down, suffered from depression, etc. I put myself completely out for her, because I wanted because I loved her and like yourselves never asked for much in return. What did she do, she left me vbecause she said she harboured feelings for a guy she'd met ONCE (italian as well) who lives in Italy. They met on the first new year's we were going out, I was visiting my dad in Italy. he didn't say anything to her, but got her number and started texting her and sending her love messages. She was open about this and I openly and forcefully told her that his flirting had to stop, it was disrespectful and tantamount to cheating. Looking back on it now, if he kept on staying in touch she gave him a reason to do so. Towards the end of last year she started saying I think I have feelings for him..., that went, then in January again, she thought it over and told this guy she would never leave me. He said he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. May this year, she'd been growing more closed and distant and cold, partly due to the prescrived drugs she was on. She told me she had feelings for this guy and she loved me, but didn't want to be with me anymore. 3 Weeks before the break up she booked a holiday to Italy to see a friend of this guys, and she started going to the tan centre and working out - all seemed very strange to me.

 

Fact remains I felt devastated, rejected, let down and stabbed in the back. But mosty of all humiliated. How can a guy she's met once lull her with his words and make it mean more than everything I have ever done? 3 months down the line, I still get angry and it hurts a lot. This guy is coming to see her in October.

 

You know what I have realised though, that there's nothing we did wrong or could have possibly done differently to make them stay. We gave them our all, but they were not mature enough or had issues they had to deal with in order to accept the kind of love and relationship we were offering them. I have spoken with many people about this and they are all chasing a fantasy that perfection in a guy which doesn't exist, and it's very likely they will come back one day or even look back on the situation with great regret

 

I still am madly in love with her, even those she's hurt me deeper than I ever thought possible, and especially from the poerson who is still meant to love me at least. Emotions we all know are spurned out of irrationality and are impulsive. Maybe that impulse will take a long time to work through, and although it may sound cliched if it's meant to be it will be. Take this time to grow and focus your energies on yourselves, I am trying, but it's twice as hard for me as when I met my ex I was just coming out of a 7 year relationship with someone else. Never have had time on my own - but many times we do end up in relationships with needy people on unconscious level so we don't have time to focus on ourselves and our own needs. Well, now is the time to mature, it's hard but we can do it. And this will make us better more confident people and probably even more appealing to our ex's.

 

She keeps in touch with me and she tells me how she's been, it's hard but I'm doing things and meeting old friends in order to distract myself. I should hate her for doing what she did, and part of me does, but at the same time I realise there's nothing I could've done to stop this and gave it everything I had. Also, her actions are not that of a rational person - she admitted to me herself she doesn;t know what she wants - but has not totally discarded us as future partners. She's been feeling really guilty about what she did and I;'m glad for that, because nobody deserves to be treated the way we have been. All we ever asked for was honesty. The moment they choose to lie to us on something so important they have lost respect for themselves and the relationship. I still desperately feel like holding her and knowing i'm the only one, but I'm not it's a fantasy and a protective cocoon. Even after all this I would be willing to forgive her for what she's done, because I'm crazy - No, because I am in love and if love can't make people change then nothing can. But we learn from our mistakes and will make damn sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Keep strong guys and girls who have been through similar situations, remember you are always number 1 above anybody and anything else.

 

Love,

 

David

 

P.S. Jaimia if you live and/or work in London we could meet up for a chat sometime would really like to hear the full story and chat about our experiences it can be cathartic. PM me and let me know

[justtwicethen]

Hi David,

 

I hear you. Very powerfully spoken. The disaster in my relationship wasn't as intense. Ours ended due to long distance pain. But one point you make is universal to relationships no matter what their circumstances. Namely, both partners need to KNOW what they want.

 

A tip to all those looking for love, know what you are looking for. Because the heart is irrational and DOES NOT speak the same language of the mind. I fell in love with an image of someone, not the person itself. It took too many heartbreaks for me to realize, that I needed to move on.

 

Yes I miss her like...I can't even describe. But I cannot go back. I know this may sound chauvanistic but do you notice a trend here? It's the little confused girl for who the guy does eveything, only to be betrayed...

 

Have dignity all of you in Jamies position. Say NO and be steadfast. Only then will your ex realize that you are a man and are DECISIVE.

[DavidBB78]

Justtwicethen you are soooo right. It is a trend we want to support the burdens and troubles of our partners, never really stopping to think is this what I want. In their own way our partners did not want to be supported and constantly treated like they were made of china. they to aim to be strong, assertive and supportive. Yes, both people have to know what they want and I truly believe both people have to have a certain amount of personal,mental and work stability in order to be with the person they want in the right way, the way you deserve, the way they want to show you thier love but can't because of constraints. Break-ups like the many posted here, will make us stronger and we will grow, and so will the person we were with and if she/he really is the only person for you, then it will happen again the love will re-ignite.

 

It's hard, but we will pull through better, stronger people and have a clearer idea of what we want.

 

There's not one houyr of the day when I don't think of her. Think back on the past-times when you were happy, maybe a vacation or something. Use that positive thought to move forward, because if it happened before it could happen again (although not necessarily with the same person).

 

Take care,

 

David