Was this a bad move on my part???

[JustPlainSad]

I agree with left. She needs to do a lot of work on herself to show you she will be there for you and be committed and not run again BEFORE you even think of changing your life for her. She has a lot to proove not you. From what I've read you've been the man during this whole situation. You did what your heart told you to do and from my perspective they were all the right moves. She's hurting from this situation and that is evident. I wish you nothing but what you want in your life. If you see you can be with her again after she prooves herself than go gonzo for it. You're doing VERY well and I wish I was in your position!

 

I wish I could offer you more help as you've so kindly done for me but this is all I can muster right now craig.....

[Mun]

Didn't she say the reason for the break up was her fear that this new job would keep you away too much?(or has something changed here that I didn't see?)

 

Haven't you been able to spend plenty of time with her regardless of this new job?(even having enough time to date others)

 

I think both of these points are worth bringing up for discussion next time there is an "us" conversation. I don't think you should quit and then go ask her if she will come back--that's not what I meant. If changing jobs is an option for you then you should put it on the table and discuss it. If it is not an option then you should point out that your new job has not interfered with your time together like she felt it would.

 

What I proposed is that if she saw that as an impediment for continuing your relationship--you take it out of the equation. Either by pointing out how it has not kept you apart or by proposing to change jobs.

 

If she gives you a different reason for having broken up with you. Then you are back to square one.

 

If neither party can compromise then maybe there isn't enough love.

[craigblitz]

Guys, what can I say as always the advise and opinions have been faboulous and I truley appriciate it. I have no plans on quitting my job. I took this job with 2 goals in mind and I have expressed those to her and she knows this job is temporary 2yrs max. I know 100% this is good for Dylan and whom ever is going to be with me in the future.

 

That being said -it's a tough one, because obviously this is a huge thing. Maybe she has to develop her career more to understand. I've followed your posts and maybe it's a maturity thing.

 

She has too... she hates her job and feels like she is so behind all her friends in that regard. In all honesty she is.... but at the same time she does not put a lot of effort in changing it. I have got her information of Grad school and other things she is interested in. I think once she feels like she has control og her own life things will be better for us or again whom ever she is seeing when that happeneds. Not only that but all her friends do not live at home. She just now bought her first car she was really excited, she told one of her friends and he told her he just bought his first house... she was happy but text me and said that she always feels one upted... At the same point I see her letting go more and more and at that time I think she will understand these things on a more mature level. I just hope I have the patience to wait for her. Maybe I should just except the fact that this relationship was filled with good times but just a bad occurrence of timing.

 

The past couple of days I have not seen her and just letting her go with the flow. She has called everynight though, just to say hi and see how my day was, etc. I have even got messages late at night from her saying hi. I think the next time I see her I am going to point on some of thing muneca has said. In all honesty I do not need to spending my free time in my hometown, I could be in Columbus but I am trying to show her I can be around if that is the problem. At this point I think it a whole combo of things with her and I am I not sure I have the patience for all this. Just being honest.

 

I know most people disagree with this, but her and I have had enough contact for me to be a little more open and honest. I am going to give her a letter and pretty much ask her if she really sees a future with us if not then lets not make this a long death and kill it now. I am not going to get sucked in to sex buddies and all that. I was going to give it to her last night, but I think a couple more encounters will give me some answers if not I am going to be blunt.

 

Friends have a great weekend. JustPlainSad you stay strong... good luck to everyone...

[craigblitz]

Another update

 

She came over again last night. She picked up dinner and we were just chilling at the house. I was sore and she gave me a massage, and I then gave her one. Things started to heat up and I said wait, I said what do you want from me?? I said if it is just friends then that is fine ( in all honesty I am ok with that) but I am not going to be friends with benefits. I then said that if it is ust friends just give me a little time and space and I can do that. She asked why was I saying this I said because it is not fair to me or anyone that I am seeing that I am kepeing them in limbo. I said the fact is I am never going to be able to move on with someone else wile I still love you. She said she understood and was sorry for keeping me in limbo. I also said it is not fair to me because I have to act different around you because my heart still loves you and wants to hold you but I can't because we are not together.

 

Afterwards, she said that she thinks friends is best. As soon as she said that she starts breaking down like crazy mad tears... I told her to stop and said don't feel bad, I said I am ok with this, honest I am not hurt I am glad I finally know. I said never be sad when you are doing things best for you. The she said how can I do this... she said you are the absolute best boyfriend I could every hope to find... she said there is not one thing about you I would change... I was taken back, then I said well if that is the case why are you letting me go. She said I do not know...

 

At this point I am confused again, then she said I thought we were taking things slow with us. I said I thought so, but wasn't sure where you stood. This goes back and fourth for a while. She then said lets start by being friends. I said ok but give me time.. she is not like that but like dating and going slow. I said that is cool, but at the same time I said it is like killing a horse slowly. I said you know who I am and what I am about. I said there is no sense in jumoing into a comitted realtionship, but do you want to be exclusive or not.

 

She then said she can not imagine me being with someone else. She said she wants me only to be with her during this time, but knows it is not fair to ask that of me. She said what if in a month I realize I am a complete a*hole and realize I can not be without you and you moved on...She starts crying harder. I figured nothing is going to be accomplished so I said lets stop talking about it.

 

I go into the entertainment room as she gets dressed turned on some music and was ust chillin. She sits on my lap and says why are you so good to me. I said because I love you. We kiss, then we talk a little more, she is like I love you Craig, I said I know that is why this is so hard. She said but how do you know that I am the one. I said I just do. She then says but how, I said well I do not believe that there is only person for us but when we get lucky and find what we know we can be happy with and want to be with that peson then you know. She goes I feel that way about you, but how do you know. I said well you have to figure that out. We kiss some more then I said you need to get going. I also said maybe you are not ready to make any type of decision right now, I said think about and let me know when you know something. She smiled hugged me and said you are the best.

 

Later that night (for the fisrt time in like 4-ever) I text her and said I am sorry about 2 night I never meant to make you cry. Luv ya goodnight. She responded, that is ok Girls cry a lot, I am not mad. I am glad we talked. Goodnight.

 

She then sees me online and she messaged me a couple of times just thanks for dinner yadda yadda, sweet dreams.

 

So after all that I still have no freaking idea what the heck is going on. I am not sure if she just wants to be friends, or we are dating or what, but honestly I do not care. I have come to gribs with both outcomes. We will see.

[RayKay]

I think your ex is well, definitely obviously confused. But, I also think that this could turn out with you both ending up together again (if you still want that by the time she comes around!).

 

Reading so many posts of people who are in a similar state with their ex in terms of their mixed feelings (For example - I truly believe my ex loves me, "wants to be with me", but is not sure about forever yet..while he does feel a spiritual, emotional, physical, mental connection and chemistry, he is not sure if he can say forever yet, or for that matter, if those small things that were coming between us might mean we are not...blah blah)

 

Anyway, curious as to how much of these mixed feelings are exes have are due to what they "assume" it should be like from what they see in society (movies and so on). Even though my ex is quite the logical thinker (engineers!) I know he still feels this pressure to be this amazing romantic generous bf (something he feels he was not having time to do for me due to his hectic/stressful lifestyle) and so on, and also hearing about some of his friends recent breakups, it all seems sort of odd. I wonder how many truly expect the road to love to always be easy? I know my ex does believe that the most rewarding relationships are often the hardest to get started and so on, but some of his friends, I am not sure what they expect, and I wonder how much subconsciously rubs off on them.

 

Your ex talking about how can one be SURE they are with the one is falling into that too. There is definitely a few "ones" out there for us, but it seems some fall into this romantic notion that if they are the one, you will always be sure they are the one, everything will be smooth sailing - you will never wonder "what if". Doubts are normal - if you did not have doubts, I would doubt that you were not taking things seriously enough! Being with someone who touches you so deeply, makes you vulnerable, is a scary thing for many. As you said Craig, someone is the "one" because they are the one you are committing yourself too. Yes, there might have been other ones out there had the relationship ended, but the idea is that you are choosing to love THIS one! I think anytime you find yourself with someone who could be the one, it can be a freak-out experience for one person simply as they feel not ready at this time in their life for that. I know, I have been there when I was younger with a friend whom when I first met I knew I could be crazy for - he was not the GQ model, but he had a sparkling personality, and a wicked sense of humour. For months I delayed dating him for the very reason I KNEW he was that wonderful. Eventually I succumbed, and for five years it was great - he died suddenly however, though I believe to this day he was an angel in my life and now that he has passed on too. My point is, it was scary, and I delayed being with him simply because I knew it would be too deep for me. The ex I have now, well, I truly believe in my heart of hearts we are supposed to be together - I think he too is finding that moving on from me is not very easy, and he is confused too. But he is going to take some time to admit it to me...lol. He was not ready when he met me after a recent hurt, and as he was going through a personal growth stage. He admitted to me before with me, he just felt like it could be forever and he is simply NOT ready for that - he has too many personal issues right now to sort out, lest he think he destroy (our) relationship in the long run. Even he blames timing. All I can do right now is be patient, and move on at same time. Have faith.

 

With your ex, I think the same is required..a lot of patience, and strength. Keep moving on, but don't lock the door to your heart against them. They might just be still holding onto that key.

[d346]

what a frustrating situation.

 

I guess I don't understand what she means by saying that she loves you, but doesn't know...why not? I don't get it. But then again I don't get how my boyfriend consults me on his important life decisions, yet isn't ready to be married. I just don't get it... why all the complications?

 

you're in a tough spot, because she doesn't want to make a decision. At this point, No contact is probably no longer the answer. you are friends. But as said before, there should be a clear line between friends and "taking it slow" Friends are friends...sometimes it turns into more, but you shouldn't bank on it. -taking it slow and dating again is much different, because it involves a conscious decision to lead to something more...it's like a courship again. But friends with benefits is hardly a courtship and instead of progressing up the steps, you're swimming in circles.

 

I really really think it's important that she figures out her life. Honestly that could be what is making her so confused. My boyfriend has a good and stable consulting job, but he is bored, antsy, waiting for a promotion, and feels like he is wasting away in the office. He feels that at this point in his life, he should be further along in his career and happier. This has put TREMENDOUS stress on our relationship. -since A, he's always in a bad mood about it, and B, he's afraid to take the next step and get married, because he's unanamored with his professional life and I fear he feels that settling down and getting married will make his personal life just as blah and routine. I honestly believe as much as I can convince him that won't happen (It's impossible because we're a fun couple!) he has to become happier in his own situation before it all falls into place.

 

I know the frustration you're feeling. I have suggested career moves, encouraged him to look into some of his entrepreneurial ideas on the side, but he's not doing anything tangible to change things...because he's due for a promotion in a year or so, so he hopes maybe it will get better.

 

so I may be a little bit in the same boat!

[Mun]

She is scared and she is letting fear take hold of her life. It's natural to be afraid of change, of committment, of the future.

 

I think you did this already. Or if it wasn't you it was Shocked & D. You made lists. Maybe it's time to make new lists-both of you. One list in which you outline how being together would benefit you or would add to your life. What you would gain in being a couple again. The other list : what you would lose or be giving up. Compare and look at which list is longer. You will get a sense of how you see the relationship in a logical, rational way.

 

Now the next thing is to close your eyes. ( this is from a book I read)Imagine your life with this person and gauge how you feel about it. How does your body and your emotions react? How do you generally feel about having this person in your life? Now do the opposite. With your eyes still closed, Imagine what your life would be without them. How do you feel about that? How does your body respond, does your stomach tense up, are you sad? ( you get the idea)

 

The point of this is that our alert and rational minds are sometimes in conflict with our emotions because of fear. We want something with all our hearts but our minds tell us its the wrong time, the wrong person, etc. We let fear take control and convince us against what we really want.

 

If you think this is the problem then maybe she is afraid of the committment. If that is the case then you are not helping her any (or yourself) by continuing to see her --she doesn't have to face her fears and overcome them. She is being allowed to prolong this as long as it takes.

 

If this is not the real problem, then I just typed the longest post I've ever typed for nothing .

 

The book is : If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

[JustPlainSad]

If this is not the real problem, then I just typed the longest post I've ever typed for nothing .

 

HA!

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Craig,

 

Man this is a tough one... very similar to where I am at... except for me the EX has decided not to contact me until she can figure things out. Essentially she has imposed NC on herself.

 

Yours is doing the opposite (about where I was before my blow up). She wants to try again (she said it didn't she?), but anytime you say "so you want to try again", she says no. Classic.

 

As Muneca said, she is afraid to admit what she wants (to try again). She wants to do it, but not be TOLD she's doing it.

 

You have two choices... work through it with her, never saying "so we're together?", or go complete NC.

 

There are pros and cons to both. My thoughts on this are that you should consider taking Muneca's advice the next time SHE brings up "us" talk. In the meantime, try and let romance bloom, even if you are unsure yourself... but tell her FLAT OUT... "I am not trying to pressure you, but I will NOT stop at least dating others until you decide what you want."

 

What do you think?

 

If things get too crazy... break it off... strict NC for a month... no answering texts, NOTHING. Then go back to her and see if she has changed her mind.

 

PS: Muneca, it was me with the lists... not sure how productive it was. We've said all the right things about getting back together... but somehow it doesn't seem to take. At least not yet.

[craigblitz]

Friends what can I say. Muneca... I think the list is a great idea but I think we shared these thoughts outloud when we talked. She told me she can not picture herself being truly intimate with anyone but me.

 

She is afraid, her job sucks, she doesn't know what she wants she said she has all these goals, I sat there and I listened and said that is awsome sweetie, but all those things you can do with me as a couple. She said she knows, cried.. yeah see a theme....lol

 

There is no doubt in my mind she loves me as strong as I love her, but you are right about the fear. S&D I told her to think things over and when she has a better idea to email me. I said until then do not contact me and let me sort things out. I did tll her and was honest that I have no dout in time I will be there for her as a friend but can't right now. She said she knows and resprects how open and honest I am with her. I am going to continue to date, but sucks is there is a girl I have gone with a couple times that I am starting to like, but my heart is with my ex, that there is no question. At this point it will be a while before she contacts me I think, but that is good. I want her to be comfotable with her decision whatever it is. I have said that before, but I think she really gets it now so we will see.

 

All in all I am happy the way things are turning... I am not getting stuck in a cycle of games, and at the same time I being true and real with myself. As far as what I am going to do.. not sure play it by ear I guess. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels.. no that is not true but I will know how she feels in time. Till then, keeping my boy and myself #1 and loving life everyday..

 

Thanks again guys for the replies