Bi or what else? Can't stand having a boyfriend any more

[falloutboy]

What to say, I'm in quite a freak situation, I don't even know which is the best forum to post my story...

 

I'm attracted to boys and girls since I started to think about these things.

But I never had a girlfriend, and I never even thought of having a boyfriend. ( At least due to the fact I knew no gays.)

 

So you could say I was one of those guys usually posting in this forum like "24 years, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin". But things got changed at the age of 23, when I met a guy and we became friends. It was a very nice friendship, and he was the first person in my life I could talk to about all my problems, one of them of course that I never had a girlfriend. It was really cool and we were hanging around a lot of time drinking beer and so on, until he finally came out to me ( to say the truth, he's already been out to everyone, but I didn't know it). However, you guessed it, we finally became a couple.

It's hard to shorten this story, but I think I have to. This relationship turned out to be very tough. It was by no means the initial start for me to have a satisfied live, for several reasons. We' ve been arguing a lot of time, (he urged me to come out, especially to my family, which I refused,this was one of our most popular issues, but we had a lot of arguments about minor topics, it often was like a bad french movie, it could take nights, there has been even violence one time or another)

I was not able to see and treat him as a lover somehow, but rather like a good friend. As far as our sex life is concerned (i'm trying not to go into details unless it's necessary): We never had anal or oral intercourse ( I appreciated that), we were rather like masturbating. And we kissed, but I have to say, that I never liked it when it came to mouth kissing. If you ask: How long did this hell last (ok, i have overdone a little)? Nearly two and a half years, we finally broke up a couple of days ago.

 

Now, being 26, I'm absolutely convinced, that I never want to have a same-sex relationship again. I mean I think I can´t live with a guy as a couple and act like this. I'm still attracted to guys somehow, but I just want not to give in these feelings. I'd rather get a girl, and I feel that I could give her all my love, (I just feel like I never felt real love for anyone.)

But I don't now, if I will be able to find a girl (remember that I'm still a virgin in a way), and a lot of people know that I ve had a gay relationship for years. What will girls think about that, if I met any at all?

 

Thanks for reading all this, I'd very much appreciate any comment, opinion or advice.

[hurtbylove]

I'm not sure how a girl would react to your previous relationship, but they should understand that what is your past makes you who you are today.

 

I think it was likely a very good learning experience for you with relationships.. Trust me, I don't think girls are any easier to deal with

 

I try to avoid judging people on their past, or rather not know about it at all. I mean I really don't want to hear about what you did with your ex.

 

If you are a genuinely good person, the girl should be able to accept and love you just the same

[murrayfaces]

Falloutboy,

I'll try and say all of this with the utmost and grace and tact I have available(not that much), so sorry if this is rather blunt. But, I have been in and out of relationships with men and women for the last two years, and I've got alot of things to say about your situation.

OK, you say you're still attracted to men, but you speak as though the thought of having sex with a man repulses you? You were in a relationship for over 2 years, and never had sex. That's really strange, and I'm not sure if you could classify it has healthy. Not that sex is everything, but unless you've got an "arrangement" - (lavendar relationship) with someone, sex should always be an open option. I do understand how you were upset about being forced to come out. Alot of gay people see that as a monumental milestone in their life. But, I am also a lifetime fence-rider, and constantly take crap for not choosing one way or the other. Bottom line is, if you're unsure, don't let anyone force you to come out. But you mentioned the violence/abuse words in the relationship, and that immediately throws up the red flags for me saying

"get out now".

Why do you think getting a girl and settling down is the answer to everything? You sound like you have alot of latent, repressed insecurities and acceptance issues with your attraction to the same sex. Do you possibly have intimacy issues with people of either sex?

I know, these questions are rather blunt, but I am trying to get you to delve more into why you feel the way you do.

Look, I've got no real examples of healthy relationships right now. Over the last two years I spent most of it with an extremely abusive male person(I'd call him a man, but that would be a disservice to the real men in the world), who abused me in every way possible, including depleting my finances, cheating on me, and trying to take me out of this world several times. During this time, I was also sleeping with my brother's ex-girlfriend. You could truly make a really sad movie out of my life for the last two years. All of this, because I was not being open with my feelings, letting people know where I truly stood, and not really analyzing why I was doing the things I was doing. This sounds like the way you were when you stayed with this guy for over 2 years. Why did you do that? You can't judge all relationships you're potenentially going to have with guys in the future on the one relationship with this guy. Are you just looking for a girl to erase the memories/stigma associated with this past relationship?

 

What are you going to do RIGHT NOW! See, I started to get my life back together when I decided what had to be done right now to get myself feeling better. Are you going to see/talk to the ex? I personally say NO, simply because you need that disconnnection in order to get a clearer picture when analyzing this relationship. But, don't overanalyze. Simply spend a little bit of time going over it, and maybe even write it down. Then, think about what you what in your next relationship. Do not even think about the sex of the person when doing this, and don't write don't write down physical things. Just write down the truly important things in the relationship. Now you will at least have an idea of what you deserve, and what you are will to do back. As for the sex of the person, maybe you can just leave that open right now.

 

Sorry for the verbose-ness - but you seem like you really need some direction right now. Maybe my gustapo-like interrogation may help.

[falloutboy]

hurtbylove, murrayfaces, thanks for reading all this and replying to it also.

murrayfaces, you don't have to apologize for anything. You were not blunt at all, and obviously I started this topic to get some open feedback. I very much appreciate that you ' ve been thinking about my situation that much. As there is a lot to say and to think, though, this time i'm going to refer to just some opinions you gave me, and to others later, hopefully.

 

OK, you say you're still attracted to men, but you speak as though the thought of having sex with a man repulses you? You were in a relationship for over 2 years, and never had sex. That's really strange, and I'm not sure if you could classify it has healthy.

Generally, I' would not be sure about this, too. On the other hand, as I pointed out in my last post, we've had kind of sex, which you might classify as being minor to what people are usually doing. But I did not aim to do more, i even was afraid that this physical thing could damage our friendship (which it turned out to do at last), so I was like preferring having no sex with this guy at all (maybe apart from the experiencing phase right at the beginning). May sound sort of strange to you.

 

But you mentioned the violence/abuse words in the relationship, and that immediately throws up the red flags for me saying

"get out now".

I didn't really get that, but I stress, that this violence was a rare exception, it merely used to be the culmination of our arguments in very few occurrences. That might have not been said clearly in my first post.

But I'd like you to explain it, as I can't see a connection between violence and coming out.

 

Why do you think getting a girl and settling down is the answer to everything?

Hard to tell. I just feel that I could love a girl rather than any guy, it's somehow down to emotional reaons (it's like I'm a man and thereforeeee I'm giving my love only to girls, but don't get me wrong, I don't force me to think so. I't s being like my personal assurance after all the things I went through).

 

You sound like you have alot of latent, repressed insecurities and acceptance issues with your attraction to the same sex. Do you possibly have intimacy issues with people of either sex?

That's exactly what many of my problems are about , I guess.

 

Are you going to see/talk to the ex? I personally say NO, simply because you need that disconnnection in order to get a clearer picture when analyzing this relationship.

Ok, this is a big and urgent issue. We are still in contact. We currently discuss how our relation should look like in future. Proposals range from cutting ties over staying friends to (he 's really suggested this) staying friends without ruling out occasional intimacies. The latter I'm quite sceptical about, to say the least.

 

I'm going to stop here for now, any comments would be great.

[Amy_32588]

OK, now this may just be stupid of me to try and give you advice... Me being so young and all, but I feel like sharing my opinion.

 

Please don't over analyze!!! It makes life stressful and unhappy! If you don't wanna be in a same sex relationship again then don't! It's as easy as pie! If you want a girlfriend and to loose your virginity... Go to where singles hang out, join a dating service! Let fate take over and when the time is right it will! And you will be happy! There's a someone for everyone! And for you it could be a male or female... Just give it time and the answers will come.

[ocean9]

He may not have been the right person for you to have an intimate relationship with.

 

Were you sexually attracted to him in the first place? Or did he pursue you? Was there any sexual chemistry?

 

Were you ever sexually abused? I'm asking because sexual abuse survivors can have difficulty with physical/sexual intimacy.

[falloutboy]

amy, ocean9, thanks for responding. Somehow I was sexually attracted to him all the time during our relationship. But on the other hand, I felt uncomfortable with the kind of sex we used to have, and what I wanted to do least were further experiments...

Now I wish that we never had entered this relationship so that we could be friends

as we were before these things started.

Or did he pursue you?

Ok, he kind of persued me, he always took the initiative. In the beginning, I was somehow curious and wanted to try this out, and of course, he encouraged me to do so.

Later, when I felt that we were not made for each other, I admitted that to him, but he somehow persuaded me to go on.

 

Were you ever sexually abused?

Hmm, what do you mean? By whom?

[jessijess]

Do you feel guilty about being with a man? I'm just wonder because I've heard that alot from people who havent come out yet.

Also, you say you want to be with a girl & settle down. could that be becase you don't want to be hurt again by a man?

I;m just very curious about this....

[xkirrax]

That was just one relationship! You can't judge what will happen with another guy just because that relationship with your first didn't turn out so well. There will be guys who are in your position, guys that have the same standards, and guys that will be as out as you are and will accept how comfortable you are with yourself (being out wise) It would be the same as if you had a bad (like the one with the guy) relationship with a girl...would you stop dating girls?...I suggest you don't say that your done with guys because ya never know...you could one day meet a great one and it just might be what you want/need. Also, it could be just like the first one...that's just how it goes. To give part of your heart, is to risk it all, but that's the only way you'll find true love. ( atleast that's what I like to think )

[Quimninja]

I agree with Xkirrax, you can't judge your sexuality based on one bad experience. I am bisexual, and have had relationships with boys - sometimes even though you find them attractive, you just don't have the sexual thing there, you don't want to do that with them. It's just the way it goes with some people; you aren't right together. And even though I've only ever had fleeting experiences with women, even one where I felt threatened and used, I'm not ruling out my lesbian side. I know if I met the right girl I would go for it. That's the thing, don't worry about working it all out, go with what you feel for whoever makes you feel it, and if you're not feeling good, stop doing whatever you're doing!

 

i want you to be happy, falloutboy!

[ocean9]

Hey fallout,

 

How are you doing?

[falloutboy]

Thanks for your replies, ocean9, quimninja, xkirrax, jessijes, time to respond for me:

 

@ocean9, fine, thanks. It's Friday night, and after playing football (soccer),

I'v ended up in my room with a bottle of wine and Leonard Cohen...

 

@jessijess

Do you feel guilty about being with a man?

I' m not sure. Don't want to be offending to anyone, but sometimes when I had sex with this guy, I felt not only like this is not the right thing for me, but

that it's even unnatural. I always thought this was something that I don't want to do for the rest of my life (and I feel so bad that I didn't end the relationship at an earlier stage).

On the other hand, it's not like I couldn't wait to have sex with women, but I just want to get the experience. THis is a real problem: I find it quite hard to date anyone, and I hesitate to do it only to make an experience. Or is it wrong to think so?

 

@xkirrax

That's the question: Am I done with guys, or was this guy just the wrong one? If I could tell... Thats what I'm thinking about every night, and I can't have enough beer, wine and liquor to get the answer. I tried to explain it above, and I think it's still true: I felt that I can't love a man like a woman, because if I'm hanging around with my boyfriend, I just can't act as I suppose a lover would do, I always act towards the other guy as he'd be a pal of mine, you know what I mean? (certain kind of humour, alway a little bit rude - in a friendly way, of course)

 

@quimninja

Let's say I'm bisexual- I'm quite sure I am- so it's not about judging my sexuality. Ok, I've got this from my view bad experience, bad enough. I know that I'm still somehow attracted to men. But for the moment, I' just don't want to give in these feelings.

There's something I've been thinking about for a long time: I've got to nephews, aged one and four. They are so lovely. Sometimes I think they're are the most important persons in my life. And I often think that I'd love to have children (with a woman) one day. But there's something my ex told me when we discussed this in general: If you ever found a family you'd be likely to leave your woman and children one day for a man. I'm sure I won't but I can't forget this warning.

 

 

As I said, I'd like to go for girls now, but that's not too easy, If you are in my age and have to do a lot of work as far as the career is concerned (or at least I should, in recent weeks, I merely try to solve my personal problems...), you can't do the trial and error scheme for too long. How should I date girls? (Can't go to a forum on enotalone designed for high school kids). For the moment, I know only few girls, all of them out of the question. But I have just no time to do any activities were I could meet girls. I could afford going out about once a week, and I basically like it, but

I'm not sure if I could meet a girl in a club or a bar and I don't want to go out alone, but most of my pals are not available. I alsowonder what I should tell her if she asked my about my experience concerning sex and relationship...

 

As my puberty used to be boring and I didn't really learn what you should learnat that age, I fell like I should be going through kind of puberty once again- you got the picture? And it still sonds so ridiculous...

Thanks again for reading all this, I'd be glad to get even more replies.

[ocean9]

falloutboy,

 

Why not just go with the flow of life?

You don't have to figure this stuff all out right now.

If you are open, experiences will come your way.

I have always found that hanging out at cafes is a great way to meet new people.

Go to places, events, bookstores, and so on that you enjoy, and you will meet like-minded people.

[i_hate_the_world47]

Well,i think that your previous relationship was like a learning experience.U learned that you cant be in a relationship with a guy and that you want a girl.I am sure that any gurl will understand this.Good luck.

 

~Meagan~

[NotGay,Really]

I also think you need to take things much easier in your quest. Rather than seeking a relationship right now, just seek proper friendships. By that I mean don't be concerned about where a friendship may lead.

 

It is also very important, I think, to let go of this past relationship that was clearly unsatisfying. The mere fact that your ex was physically abusive is a sign that it was bad for you. (And no matter how "minor" it was, it's a bad thing.) And when he "warned" you that you shouldn't have a family because you would just leave them for a man was VILE. Only you can know how you will behave in a committed relationship. Don't let this person's past words poison your quest for happiness.

 

There are people out there who will love you and accept you. But you will never find them if you dwell in past failures.

 

Best wishes to you.