need a second opinion

[needsomelove]

Here's my long story ... married 30+ years , age 52, adult children ,

not at home. About 10 years ago , we went through a hard spot in our marriage , little talking/sex etc. About that same time my wife discovered a doctor at the health club who

turned into her daily running partner. At about that same time, I recommitted

my self to saving our marriage , trying to do and say all the right things, be supportive

Be the good husband. And have tried to be the 'perfect husband '. I new this relationship was more than just 'good friends' and expressed my displeasure several times. Standard answer " we're just good friends, he knows me so well we finish each other sentences , etc. etc.. . I've been in tears after some of these discussions.

 

Anyway , we continue to travel and live our lives and I continue to hurt

inside. So, over the course of the past 10 yrs , there are huge blocks of

time that are unaccounted for out of the day with my wife.

By her own admission she's over at his house gardening , helping the garage, etc.

( while this guy's wife may or not be there) The doc and his wife are

barely speaking, roommates / should be divorced relationship).

 

I know , for a fact my wife has been lying to me about where she's been.

Sometime she will say " oh I went to his house to clean his yard, etc.. Other times

'Oh I went shopping errands etc.. " NOT...

" I 've met him and he's been at our house , like this is all on the up and up. And

life goes on.

 

The final straw was last week, my wife has been gone all day , leaving our house about

4:00 am and returning at about 2;00pm ( her day off). I'm home about 4:00. I say , " what

did you do today?" "Oh. I ran and figured out or xmas day meal" "hmmmm" , I say. I look in her purse , two movie tickets for a 11:00 movie that day. I said, " who did you go to the movie with" . " What" who did you go to the movie with" ? . "Doc" . I said what else..??? Turns out a morning run, coffee lunch., a movie and shopping. I'm like * * * !!!! At that point

I'm livid......long long discussions , tears etc.

 

So, basically for 10 years under my nose or my denial or stupidity... These two have fallen completely in love. They look like two teenagers in love if you were to see them . In broad day light, in front Of me and his wife all their friends and coworkers they've been 'dating'. People see them at the coffee shop, running , riding in his truck at the workplace in his office, etc... The word on the street , since if heard the comments myself' is basically "your wife's do'n the Doc". His friends have stopping inviting the doc and his wife over for get togethers because they see this as wrong and He's a scum bag. She's says NO SEX, hard to believe that, really. We walked through a list of 'emotional affair check warning signs' list together. She admitted she meets everyone of the Items on the list.

 

It's come to this : She's says that she can't end it... The ties run to deeply. I'm saying , you can't be married to me and have a boyfriend. I feel like a dope now. It looks to me like

everyone is laughing at me behind my back as my wife is do'n the doc. Funny thing is, we can get along , go to movies and be half way civil. Here's where I am at: You need to quit this , cold turkey OR you need to move out! She's says I can't end it... Now what ?? THANKS for listening.

[savignon]

If she can't end it with him, she has to end it with you. She's not choosing to end it with him, so she's choosing to end it with you. My two cents. I've only been married a year or so but I can tell you right now my husband would not tolerate that kind of "friendship" with another man for a week, let alone 10 years. She's gotten away with it for this long and even told you she won't stop seeing him, so she's likely figuring she gets to have both. Set her straight by moving out or moving her out.

This is not okay!!

[SapphireNoir10]

You can end it. She is obviously not willing to cut ties. So you have every right to divorce her.

 

She has no respect for you. Im sorry this has happened but you can walk away with your head held high and someday you can find love again.

[savignon]

(accidentally posted the same thing twice.....oops)

[Lovelace]

I hesitate to ever tell anyone to end a marriage. Can you put up with this behavior? You have already for several years. If you cannot, then what I would do, is move out. Typically, emotional/physical affairs don't last that long after a separation or the divorce of one of the parties involved in the affair; at least, not on the woman's end.

 

And honestly, if her only barrier is 'no sex', then the crap's already hit the fan. People define 'sex' in many different ways, and I think any one of those ways would be hurtful to you. You have to decide where your line is, draw it, and then be prepared to back it up with action.

[ForumGuy]

Her stuff should've been on the front lawn a long time ago, but I think you know that. The ties she is talking about are family I am assuming. I don't think your kids would enjoy knowing that their mother has been doing this to you and wouldn't blame you a bit for whatever you do. They are in love and this is the tough reality. If she doesn't go, you need to either go yourself...or send her on her way. I suggest you beat her to the lawyers office and take her by surprise.

[maalox]

I've made a habit in my life about finding reasons to stay, and doing that, and hating every minute of it as soon as the next bomb goes off. I also hesitate to say break a marriage. I also say "look back at this point five years from now and you'll see staying was right".

 

I talk a lot of smack.

 

This will eat you alive if you let it, and life is too long to be miserable. You had your say and your missus had hers. Time to go my friend.

[Moontiger]

This situation is completely unfair to you. Either she need to leave the house or you do.

 

I would recommend getting yourself into therapy. This will let you work though all the feeling that come along with a situation like this and will help you work out what you want to do (try and work it out, divorce etc).

[needsomelove]

We are on a path to divorce... we're in a holding pattern at this point. He claims he's going to confront his wife soon about leaving. ( he will be crushed financially from this) I would like to take the high road 'till the end. I believe we can sit down and be civil and decide how to split the assets. Above all, I want her to be the bad guy in all this. Her move out, tell the kids and family..... linger for a bit. In some twisted way I want her to feel the wrath of her family for all the pain and hurt she's caused me.........Then do the divorce thing . Any insight on this whole process.

 

 

btw . my gut feeling , he will not leave his wife, my wife will move out, get a condo, then they'll get to live happily ever after.

[Moontiger]

We are on a path to divorce... we're in a holding pattern at this point.

btw . my gut feeling , he will not leave his wife, my wife will move out, get a condo, then they'll get to live happily ever after.

 

I have never been through a divorce. However, IMO- don't let her have this power. Break this "holding patter" by demanding a time frame for her to get out. Keep control of the situation and above all stay calm (as hard as it is). You have the right attitude by wanting to take the high road. Do not stoop to her level. I agree that it should be her who break the news family and friends. As for the children be sure to "take the high road" when you speak with them about this.Most importantly Get a lawyer NOW.

[Mauxly]

Do you live in a no fault state? Before you do anything, before you even confront her, hire a divorce attorney. And then a private eye. If you can get pictures of them being intimate, even holding hands/cuddling in public, you may not have to be financialy ruined by this. She broke your vows, she shouldn't be able to take you to the cleaners.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going.through this. You are going to suffer horribly for a while. Those of us who've suffered through infidelity know how painful it is. But we also know that you will heal...it will just take time.

 

We are here for you.

[needsomelove]

yes: no fault state. no debt. both 401ks, both pensions. her salary is 2x mine. New at this: assuming we stay civil.. what's the legal advantage of me getting the leg up

the lawyer? Lawyers: any advice... word of mouth / coworkers advice , etc.. ? She fully admits to all of this ( except sex ) ... so , is there a legal advantage to catching them being intimate?

[Moontiger]

Have you heard about the "alienation of affection" laws? Its only in a few states but you might be able to take the other man to court and win a good sum of money. A P.I. i s a good idea to get evidence for this.

[Jetta]

I really recommend you seek counceling to get to the heart of the reasons you both stopped being intimate for 10 years. She obviously needed attention from you and you were not giving it to her. Divorce is tough, the rammifications suck, and I really recommend getting to the source of your problems rather than running from them as I choose to do in my marriages (the first cheated on me several times over, the 2nd well there were lots of various reasons for that divorce, the main one being I never really loved him). Divorce is tougher than you think to go through and plan on being alone for a very long time following it, because after long marriages people in that age group really don't look kindly on divorcees.

[needsomelove]

thanks for all of the comments.... I guess you'd have to know me : stoic, take one for the team guy. NEVER get mad. I guess I felt guilty for sending her down this path. Felt like I had to 'take my emotional beating and that I deserved this, somehow'. Point blank I asked: are you "madly , head over heals in love with this guy? Answer , "hmmm yes but, you're such a good dad ,work hard , supportive, blah, blah" . I must look like a real freek'n dope... aggh. thanks.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think you've suffered enough don't you?

 

If she is unwilling to let this guy go your marriage will never have a chance to be anything more than it is at this moment.

 

So many people find it so hard to start over at 52 - but it happens. My dad met his third wife around that time and she is just the funniest and liveliest thing. He couldn't be happier. My dad was devastated when his second marriage ended with two kids at home still. It took him a while to recover but move on he did and he is quite happy and content. He and his wife are busy all the time doing things together.

 

Personally - I'd go to the attorney first. Get some good advice and get your ducks lined up. If she makes twice the money you do many states would make her foot the cost of the entire divorce - your attorney included.

 

Here's my take - you've done the patient, quiet thing for 10yr. You think you will solve this civilly and I really hope you do but quite honestly divorce just brings the nastiness and stupidness out of people... sometimes egged on by the attorneys they hire. Do the smart thing and have at least checked all your options before opening the flood gates...

 

Hang in there - people can find love and happiness at all ages!

[Mauxly]

Yeah, hang in there. I'm a huge advocate of doing everything you can to make a marriage work, but this one seems dead in the water. She's in love with another man.

Please don't take on the blame. You sound like a lovely person, and you seem extremely grounded. I know this is painful, but you will come out alright in the end. I understand why you wouldn't want to hire an attorney, why you'd want to end this with as much grace as possible. Good for you. But remember to protect yourself.

At least she isn't gaslighting you. Thank god for that.

I sort of believe her when she says no sex has taken place. But gosh, its only a matter of time now isn't it? I can't imagine the anxiety this must cause you.

Please don't blame yourself in this. I don't care how neglectful she thinks you were, that is not an excuse to pursue an outside relationship. She may try to say, "It just happened...." but that isn't the case. People who are committed to their relationships don't get friendly with people they could be attracted to.

She is in the wrong.

 

If you think there is a chance in hell of saving this marriage, put your foot down. Have her completely cut all contact with this guy and get her into counseling. If she refuses, there's no other option but divorce.

[savignon]

thanks for all of the comments.... I guess you'd have to know me stoic, take one for the team guy. NEVER get mad.[/b] I guess I felt guilty for sending her down this path. Felt like I had to 'take my emotional beating and that I deserved this, somehow'. Point blank I asked: are you "madly , head over heals in love with this guy? Answer , "hmmm yes but, you're such a good dad ,work hard , supportive, blah, blah" . I must look like a real freek'n dope... aggh. thanks.

 

This is NOT working for you. It's time to get angry!!! It's time to get out. It's time to get some esteem/balls/courage/self-respect and leave this relationship. She's TOLD you she loves the guy and won't stop seeing him.....what else do you need to know?? Don't waste your time trying to play your cards so that she looks like the bad guy or she has to break the news to family.....that's her problem. Take care of *your* problem and meet with a lawyer. When people/family start asking, you can say "we've had problems for a long time". It's not just been her affair, it's been your "stoic, take an emotional beating, never get mad" attitude. Don't wait for some big show down where you get to humiliate her.....enough is enough. Get a lawyer, send her packing and start healing!!

[ForumGuy]

She obviously needed attention from you and you were not giving it to her

How is this obvious?

[Raoul]

Needsomelove,

 

"Now what!" That's up to you.

 

If you agree to be treated like this and allow her to use you this way, you have bigger problems. You are being used as training wheels and a safety net. It you're okay with that, then live with the consequences.

 

She can live with it because she's got it made. She can't break it off? Do it for her.

 

She lying her a** off to you. no sex? Be serious. Hire a PI, you'll have the truth soon enough. They're out in the open and have been for so long that they've lost all caution.

 

Look, I wet through this after a 24+ year marriage, three kids and 'the full catastrophe'. It was and is awful, not just for me but our kids, our families, our friends, our life. But can you really just accept this? I hope not.

[Raoul]

We are on a path to divorce... we're in a holding pattern at this point. He claims he's going to confront his wife soon about leaving. ( he will be crushed financially from this) I would like to take the high road 'till the end. I believe we can sit down and be civil and decide how to split the assets. Above all, I want her to be the bad guy in all this. Her move out, tell the kids and family..... linger for a bit. In some twisted way I want her to feel the wrath of her family for all the pain and hurt she's caused me.........Then do the divorce thing . Any insight on this whole process.

 

btw . my gut feeling , he will not leave his wife, my wife will move out, get a condo, then they'll get to live happily ever after.

 

You have no idea how trite 'he will leave his wife soon' statement is. That he will leave his wife and they will live happily ever after, BUT NOT YET, is a clliche'.

 

You're in a holding pattern by your choice. If you're okay with that, well alrighty then.

 

No one will see you as the bad guy if you file and get her out of the house. There is a difference between being 'stoic' and being a masochist. Are you sure you are stoic?

 

She will feel the wrath. You standing up for yourself does not make you 'the bad guy'. You are already on the high road. There's nothing left for you to do on that count.

 

I wager that if you find the courage to pull the trigger, he will push your wife under the bus with breathtaking speed and no remorse.

 

All this depends upon how much you're willing to tolerate. You're obviously a tough man.

 

Everything after reaching your point of full realization is what you choose. I respectfully hope that you choose sanity and standing for what you believe in. Your children, family, friends and community do not benefit from tolerating the evil that's going on around you. You and they benefit from someone that is the personification of your standards, values and expectations.

 

 

You can do this,

Raoul

[CatsMeeoow]

The thing is soooooo many affairs do not end in happily ever after...

 

She is still with you because you are meeting some of her needs... she has him because he is meeting some of her needs. Often times when its time for the lover to move up and meet all her needs it just doesn't happen successfully... they've had 10yr to work out what they want from each other therefore if she suddenly becomes dependent on him for all her needs once you are out of the picture its the ultimate set up for failure... but remember its her failure... and your not there to pick up the pieces.

 

I hope if you are not in marriage counseling you are at least getting some therapy on your own. This has been a long difficult situation for you.

[LostOne01]

Please, counseling will not solve this marriage, nor will her explanations help. She's not in love with the other guy, dude. Trust me, I know from experience. That's just lust she's feeling. She's with you because you're a safety net and she's with the other guy for sex. Personally, her crap would've been on the front lawn years ago. You've already been through enough. Time to let her go chase as many orgasms as she wants because she's a * * * * * . This was NEVER your fault. Remember that. Just get therapy on your own if you have to. Don't waste it on biased marriage counseling. You let her cheat and do whatever sneaky crap for 10 years and held it in, now it's time to let her go. No more.

[needsomelove]

Thanks again for all the support and comments. You forced me to get off my ass and be relentless with my wife about this. She admitted to me, tonight, that she's been this guy for the past year. She will be moving out soon! Crushed , but I guess now the second guessing is over. Time to move on. Any advice on a lawyer, no experience here. We live in a no fault state. A few coworkers have went through this, so hopefully some recommendations. Was going to 'play nice' with the divorce stuff.... now, not so much. Any insight, questions to ask and how to approach this next phase. I want to find a GOOD lawyer. FINALLY, this is over and I can begin to move on. BTW ... 50 something , 6-2", 165lbs, brown hair, brown eyes... likes to take walks on the beach, etc. etc.. .. looking for love. hah! You guys are my support team right now, thanks in advance .

[Moontiger]

Good for you! You have taken control of the situation and seem to be handling everything very well. I have heard a few people talk about this website link removed

 

They have a section for finding a lawyer along with a bunch of other resources.