My wife is lesbian. I am going crazy

[abitbroken]

I kind of disagree. She knew when she married him that he was religious, and she probably also knew that she was not attracted to men. What she did was very selfish and also immoral, not because of her orientation but because that's a very mean thing to do to someone.

 

In other words, she lied to him and that is the bigger thing. I would just have hoped if a woman knew she was gay and didn't want to admit it, she could at least be woman enough to admit to the guy that she wasn't attracted to HIM (and the secret reason could be merely his gender) but at least she wouldn't marry someone under false pretenses.

 

Even if she decided before that she didn't want to come out, what she is doing now - acting carefree as if nothing was wrong - takes a lot of nerve. I mean, I would think most women in this situation while they may feel a weight lifted by coming out, they would still care very deeply about the children and also most likely care for the husband not romantically but as a companion and even if they didn't want to "be" with him, they wouldn't want to act in a way that would crush him. Sure, the news of being gay would crush him - that can't be helped, but there is a difference between someone reacting naturally to a fact, and the secondary behavior she is exhibiting. If she did care, she could offer to help get help for the kids and husband or even go to therapy with them not to change the situation but to help the family cope. She could also say "well, these are our options. If we divorce, let's be amicable and friendly and practical about it. I understand the house is in three names. Let's do phase one where I live seperately but we maintain the house for the children as usual (there is no law against unmarried people owning a home together) for x amount of years and then sell it." Rather than creating a situation where its like a husband having a cheating wife and he has to protect himself and worry about her taking off and trying to take everything and the life away from the kids.

[espress]

grazi,

 

check out this site, they offer support for the straight spouse

 

link removed

[lukeb]

I think that's a little simplistic, it is altogether possible she went into this marriage with an honest commitment and belief that it would work. It is possible but unlikely that the wife went into the marriage with malicious intent. It is not fair to say that she doesn't care, I must have missed something but what is the secondary behavior that she is exhibiting? Going to therapy may very well be a good thing for the OP to do on his own, but unlikely to do any good together. Sometimes it is just best not to rub any more salt into the wound and try to make a clean break as possible.

[mikeyk]

Sorry hear that mikeyk. I can,t wait too for the holidays to be over. Time has the particularity to heal even the most broken hearts; be strong my brother in disgrace. Even though I don't know you; you're in my prayers!!!!

 

Thanks for the prayers, they don't really help much however. My wife and I attended my families yearly Christmas get together, and it was for her to at least attend a last christmas together. Normally today we share the day with her family, but since all her family knows what she's doing to me and they disagree with her, we had no invitations today at all, so today I sit alone in my basement (man cave) while my ex sits alone upstairs. This has got to be the most depressing christmas ever for me. We're supposed to go out to dinner with her father next Sunday, he's the only one in her family that doesn't know yet, and she doesn't plan on telling him until February to get past the holidays.

 

As for me, no one in my family besides my daughter knows, and she's been hurt by this and not knowing whats going to happen for christmas, all her plans were ruined by this, and she's taking it out on me like I can do something about it. I have said all I can say to try and make things easier for all of us, but for my wife there is no turning back. We remain best friends, but its hard to have your heart broken every single day with no end in site for when the healing can begin, she has absolutely no where to go, so we're trapped in this hell for god knows how long.

[mikeyk]

Back on topic of this thread, thank god the holidays are over, I still haven't told my family whats going on yet, and my wifes family won't even speak to her. After doing some searching on the subject, I found a great book called "The Other Side of the Closet", ordered it from Amazon last week, got here on Thursday, was finished with the 325 page book by Monday night. Reading the first few chapters, I watched my relationship play out, how many signs/clues were there leading up to my wifes coming out. The book has many stories of other people that have gone through this same scenario, and out of the 1,000 people sample size used for the book, the average time it takes to deal with the emotional devastation this issue causes is 3 years. I'm glad I read this book, it has given me an entirely different view of what I'm going through and will help me deal with this situation much better than I would have if I hadn't read this book.

 

As for my wife and myself, we are still best friends, but as for how we move forward, its all in her hands. She is reading the book herself right now. Some people found a way to stay together, others divorce immediately, its all a matter if there is enough in the entirety on the marriage that 2 people will want to be together forever or not, and it also means throwing out the rule book as to what you think defines a marriage. Its going to be a long time before my wife and I sort out whats going to happen here at home, but we're stuck in the same house for a long time, so anything is possible, she has no where else to go and no money to go anywhere else, so here it is. Only time will tell if we stay together or move in separate directions. I'm all for the open marriage option, she still hasn't decided yet.

[abitbroken]

I think that's a little simplistic, it is altogether possible she went into this marriage with an honest commitment and belief that it would work. It is possible but unlikely that the wife went into the marriage with malicious intent. It is not fair to say that she doesn't care, I must have missed something but what is the secondary behavior that she is exhibiting? Going to therapy may very well be a good thing for the OP to do on his own, but unlikely to do any good together. Sometimes it is just best not to rub any more salt into the wound and try to make a clean break as possible.

 

By secondary behavior - i mean that instead of breaking the news to the OP in a sympathetic way because she cares about him at least platonically, I guess I thought she was sort of acting like she didn't care how he felt. She can either go to counseling to try to help the family cope (even if there is no change - she will still be gone but she can at least help her children and husband through all the mess), or kick up her heels and act like they are yesterday's news.

 

 

Mikeyk, I am so sorry what you are going through. I encourage you to tell your family because you NEED that support system now. If not for you, then for the kids. Go to someone you are close to - if you are closest to a brother or sister maybe ask them to go for coffee or dinner and talk to them about it and it will help you decide how to break it to your parents. Take your wife's family up on any support they are willing to extend for you and your kids emotionally. They will always be the grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc, even if your wife starts a new life and you don't hear from her. Sure, you might not feel like feeling close but they can be supportive to the kids.

 

I personally might not go out for dinner with her dad on Saturday. What is supposed to happen? Are you going to him as a united front to tell him you are divorcing? I think SHE needs to break this to her father. It is too much and too humiliating for you to be expected to sit there through it. Unless you say "Sally sue, don't you have something to tell your father?" And that would be awkward. I guess you shouldn't take it out on her dad by canceling plans if the kids are involved. If the kids are involved, then I think it is her duty to meet with her dad beforehand and break the news to take the kids out of the drama.

 

I re-read and said she doesn't plan to tell him until February, but I think he really needs to know before he finds out second hand. And keeping him in the dark, unless he has a sensitive medical condition that affects his thought processes, is just being in denial. And you have a say in this, too.

 

I really, really am sorry for all of this.

 

Don't feel bad if you can't remain "best friends" with her and actually, I would encourage you for now not to so you CAN heal. Communicate with her because of the children, but find support in siblings and friends to prevent yourself from leaning on her. I think that since she is doing the leaving, she should leave the house for a little while, IMHO.

[Lucy__lou]

I may not be qualified to give advice on this subject, but I'll try anyway.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. These stories always make me sad.

 

The fact that you love her, I think is a good thing. If you can shift that love into something less romantic, and more platonic. What you both need to focus on is figuring out where to go from here. First you both need to acknowledge that your marriage is over. Then you have to figure out what kind of living arrangements would suit you both (and of course, your children) best.

 

I hope very much for the children's sake that there won't be a custody battle or animosity in these negotiations. I hope that you can both find a way to adjust to the new situation peacefully and amicably.

 

I would imagine that you'll need some time apart just to heal from this. As long as it's just a temporary thing, because you are co parents, and you need to work together, to co-operate, so as to manage the situation in the best possible way (for the kids).

 

If she's not communicating, then I can see why this situation is not going to be easy to sort out. It sounds like it's going to fester and make you both miserable. The only thing I can think of to get her to talk, is perhaps if you can demonstrate to her that you've accepted the situation, and that you're not going into any kind of denial (e.g. that it's a phase) if she tells you she's a Lesbian. Perhaps the time for time apart is now. Even if she isn't communicating yet, time apart might help you both accept what you do know. Then talk, and then spend some more time apart.

 

Is there somewhere one of you could stay? can you both afford to live separately temporarily?

 

 

Hopefully this situation doesn't need to be the beginning of problems, if you can both work through this maturely and will goodwill.

 

Hopefully, you can both adjust to a new arrangement, and if not immediately, then eventually become friends. If you've had ten years of (mostly) happy marriage, and you've both had children you love, then maybe you will both look upon this mistake as a mistake you don't regret.

[mikeyk]

I'm working on finding the right way to tell my family, if you knew my family, you'd know it isn't an easy task. As for meeting with her father, the dinner never happened, he hasn't called since dropping off our Christmas cards, which probably means he now knows from someone else that already knows in the family. As for my wife talking to him, that would happen without me being there, there's no way I could be there when the time comes, but I'm sure I'll have to talk with him eventually since his name is on our mortgage.

 

As for her and I staying friends after this is all said and done, that may not happen anymore. She has continued telling me lies for the past 8 weeks, and she continues damaging the trust and respect I once had for her. She has become someone I really don't know or like being around. She's already met someone off of craigslist, but thats not working out for her, so she continues to look. She still has no job and still has absolutely nowhere to go, so she's stuck here with me, and I know its driving her crazy, guess thats what happens when you don't bother planning things out ahead of time. As a human being I still have compassion for her and will not throw her out, she also has medical needs that need to be maintained, and like it or not, as long as I'm legally obligated to take care of her I will fulfill that responsibility. I could just get her an apartment, but its cheaper to have her here at home right now, and I have to watch our expenses since I'm the only one working.

 

One day she'll know exactly what I know, but she'll be gone by then, but its not going to be easy for her. She's already lost a ton of friends and her family has basically disowned her, all she has left is a few of her new gay friends to lean on, but none that will support her financially through this. It may take her years before she realizes how much damage she has done to her relationships/family ties in the way she's come out and has pursued an escape route, and she's going to learn the hard way how not to completely screw up your life in pursuit of a life change, and she'll have no one but herself to blame for not having anyone to turn to. Its really sad that it has to be this way, but right now she just doesn't seem to care and continues to deny the harm shes done to herself.

[mikeyk]

Its been 3 months now dealing with this issue, and my ex is still here in the house with me. My family has in fact known since before Christmas, they just waited until I said anything before letting me know. She also told her father, and as expected, he took it hard. Valentines day was hard on me, and she was quite insensitive on that day, first posting "Whats Love Got to do with It" on Facebook as her Valentines Day song, followed by a hand written Valentines Day card that read "Happy V-D" in a heart, followed by "Whats V-D, Wow! its something you can catch" followed by a smiley face. Up until that point, I tried to remain friendly and understanding of her coming out, since then, I've grown angry and growing very cold towards her insensitive attitude to my feelings and kindness by allowing her to remain here as the only place that will take her.

 

I don't have it in me to kick her out, but she still has no job and no where to go. Its getting impossible for me to spend any time close to her, and I can't even look at her anymore without anger building up inside, so I walk away. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep my cool around her. Thank god for her school and my crazy work schedule, we barely have to see each other. But she still hasn't found someone since coming out of the closet, so I'm stuck with her until she can find work or someone else to live with. My life is really becoming a living hell from her coming out. I can't wait for the damn weather to break around here so that I can stay away from home and have something to do with my time and finally give me some distance from her.

[Yaz]

She's taking advantage of you. Kick her out to live with her father. Get a lawyer.

[dnnisjos]

grazy and mikeyk u r not alone on this i too whent thrue of all the pain when i discover my wife of 37 years and adult childrens that she was having a lessbian relationship with a single mother accross the st. how i discover, them i install a couple of security cameras with oudio in the driveway, and record them having sex, and moaning, and talking about oral sex betwn then, when i confront then, they denided, but they dint konow that i have a video tape of them vaving sex in my garage, all hell broke loose, i was going crazy, allof u outhere it is very painfull, she broke, the relation with her lesbian lover, that was 5 years ago, but our sex life is not the same, i love this woman since high school she change and i still ,fell that she is a lesbian when we watch, porno togethere and i switch to lesbians porno she gets hot, dont take her ayes await, bhothers hang in there there is no choice, but myy question why this married wifes turn like that? why? they got all they want, never in my mind, she was going that way, i still in a lot pain and hurt u r not alone.

[Booth]

What a sad thread. Any updates grazy and mike?

 

Wish you 2 all the best a recovery...

[lovehurt]

after being together for same 8 years with her I recently found out she is a lesbian , that we both got mad over such movies and people . I remember very well telling her that I would rather have her cheat with a man than to a woman.. I can,t handle this I cry when ever I find my self alone, I feel empty, I wounder how God kept this from me .. I just wish I can take the heart and end it all by killing my self ... I don,t know how stupid I have look around her as she knows what I really don,t like and she has been and kept it all this while