I got banned from Plenty of Fish!

[newwave]

The comments he made about wanting to marry and have kids are from years ago. He did admit to me a few months ago he did want to marry and have kids WITH ME (this part is important) but I haven't heard anything else from him.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Still, he shouldn't have put you through all this.

It's been long enough to have heard back from him. He's spent an abnormal time in no contact. That's not considerate of your views if he knows you're waiting for him.

 

If a woman I was emotionally close to who suddenly told me she "needed her space" and left me and didn't get back to me in a reasonable amount of time, I would of course be disappointed but would understand there's no future with her, no matter how much I missed her or wished she felt otherwise.

 

It takes two in this deal, newwave. I and others speak from experience. We've endured situations like that. We know how much it hurts

 

Please go with the advice I and others have given you.

It's time to move forward, not remain in neutral or stuck in a rut.

[annie24]

The comments he made about wanting to marry and have kids are from years ago. He did admit to me a few months ago he did want to marry and have kids WITH ME (this part is important) but I haven't heard anything else from him.

 

and you did say that you heard that something major *may* have happened to him recently, which may explain why you haven't heard from him?

[newwave]

Well, I sent the card the other day so we'll see what happens. That will determine what happens now. Obviously even if he's in the hospital I'd expect at least his mom to let me know. If no response then I have my answer. It's only been a few days so we'll see what happens. If I don't hear from January I am moving on.

[ClarenceRutherford]

What did you say in the card? Did you sound needy? That doesn't usually work.

 

Edited this in the other post, but you may have missed it:

 

I and others here speak from experience. We've endured situations like that. We know how much it hurts

[newwave]

In the card I wrote "I miss you and hope to hear from you soon". Then I signed my name. Nothing more than that.

[ClarenceRutherford]

In the card I wrote "I miss you and hope to hear from you soon". Then I signed my name. Nothing more than that.

That sounds about right. That was good that you kept it short.

You didn't plead with him and go on and on about it.

 

I can PM you a copy of letter a Christian woman on another board wanted to send to this guy she was dating that she hadn't planned to ML to and then he suddenly loses interest and ignores her.

I read it and said it clearly expressed her hurt feelings, but I told her I didn't think such a letter would help her as it made her look weak and needy in the LDR. She decided against sending it. Maybe I'll post it here... (no names or identifying info).

You don't want to look weak in this.

 

I still think this ought to be the end of your proactive effort on this.

[newwave]

It was aubtle but leaves it into his hands for now. Whether it will work only time will tell. My mom thought I should tell him I love him but I thought that was over the top. You should post that letter while leaving out anything identifying. Too many people make the needy mistake.

[annie24]

i agree that "i love you" is over the top. the purpose here is to reopen the lines of communication. he has 15 more days.

[ClarenceRutherford]

It was aubtle but leaves it into his hands for now. Whether it will work only time will tell. My mom thought I should tell him I love him but I thought that was over the top. You should post that letter while leaving out anything identifying. Too many people make the needy mistake.

I'm assuming you've told him you love him earlier... correct? So he should know that. You were right not to include that charged phrase.

 

I don't know why guys/gals are so scared of hearing those words!!!

I know I used the phrase too soon and made the girl uncomfortable, so took it slower and was more cautious with my best dating experience, my GF I turned into a fiance/wife.

 

I realize it supposedly makes you weak if you use the term first. But someone has to say it first, right?

 

One woman during an intimate moment told me she loved me- then asked if she could take it back like 5 mins. later!! Had a hard time wrapping that around my mind.

 

This was the same woman who I did a lot of "eveything... but with" who offered herself to me. I foolishly questioned her bec. I knew of her previous stance (she wasn't a virgin) and thought she may have had too much wine...

 

Great going. Got the green light and what do i do?

I think I posted that story here somewhere.

[newwave]

Yes I did tell him I love him and he did to me. I didn't want to send a sappy message now. I don't like when a guy says it earlier than he should, especially if I don't like him.

[ClarenceRutherford]

You haven't given your body to him or gotten physically close to him, correct? If so, that just compounds things and makes you long for him more.

Couldn't remember in all the posts here.

Again, I know from experience...

[annie24]

You haven't given your body to him or gotten physically close to him, correct? If so, that just compounds things and makes you long for him more.

Couldn't remember in all the posts here.

Again, I know from experience...

 

I think it's opposite for women vs. men. i think men long more when they haven't gotten close. women long more after they've gotten close.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I think it's opposite for women vs. men. i think men long more when they haven't gotten close. women long more after they've gotten close.

Thought that may be why she's so obsessive of this guy.

She may have given him more than she intended (emotions can sometimes overrule the mind).... She invested her body and emotions and look how he responded.

 

Other women... take note. You can't always divorce your emotions from the sex act, if that's the case here.

[newwave]

You haven't given your body to him or gotten physically close to him, correct? If so, that just compounds things and makes you long for him more.

Couldn't remember in all the posts here.

Again, I know from experience...

 

No. We kissed but that's about it except light touching. We talked about making love but but agreed that comes much later when a pregnancy wouldn't be a bad idea.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by newwave

The comments he made about wanting to marry and have kids are from years ago. He did admit to me a few months ago he did want to marry and have kids WITH ME (this part is important) but I haven't heard anything else from him.

and you did say that you heard that something major *may* have happened to him recently, which may explain why you haven't heard from him?

What was the "major announcement?"

 

The silence from him is deafening, newwave. I know I sound like a broken record, but all you've told us about his sounds like he is either scared of women or afraid of committment or something worse.

 

Why are you waiting for him? It's not like he's a soldier who has promised to marry you when he returns from service.

Has he promised to come back and make you the wife he wants?

 

You shouldn't put your life on hold for him. I don't think he would even want you to do that.

 

I asked you if it would be a better situation if he came back after you moved on.

You can always decide about him then, should he come back (which may be unlikely).

You need other opportunities. Right now, it sounds like you're so low you'd take him back with no strings.

 

You know you need to move on without him. You may change your feelings and not even be interested if he comes back later on.

Getting new confidence from a job, seeing more men and having some actually pursue you - and treat you like the woman you deserve to be treated like - you may find some of them to be better than this man you're pining for.

[ClarenceRutherford]

No. We kissed but that's about it except light touching. We talked about making love but but agreed that comes much later when a pregnancy wouldn't be a bad idea.

That's good. I thought that was the case but couldn't recall the other posts.

You sound like a smart woman who keeps your wits.

 

You'll get over this guy soon enough, newwave. I know you can do it.

 

I sent you an email.

[newwave]

I may get over him in time, but part of me thinks not because he fits my requirements. I get pursued often by men but never ones I want. I either find dads (my #1 no way whatsoever), guys that don't appeal to me, guys who don't share my morals, etc. I do know if he comes back he needs to get his life together. Only time will tell.

[Lonewing]

I honestly don't understand what was so hard for these men to read in the first place...she said it right up front, there are a WHOLE Lot of people who post it up front. I have my standards too - no single mothers. Hurtful? I'm sorry, I don't want to deal with the drama - and I especially do not want to be in a position again where her kids can wrap my heart around their finger. It happened once to me, it happened to my brother. In my brother's case, he was wrapped so tight hte only way she could dispose of him was by shooting him twice in the head. True story.

 

I also see no problem with reminding people of those standards if they try anyways. It took my 30 minutes of chat one night to turn a gal away...I'm sorry, no means no! And there were other issues too which I thought were glaringly obvious, but it's amazing how people glaze over details!!! Yeah, I was nice, but that took alsmot way too long!

[annie24]

i wonder if it had to do with the tone of her responses to those men who contacted her. i suspect more than one man complained.

[newwave]

That's awful about your brother and very tragic. While I don't think most single parents (or most of anyone) are that evil, I think people have this idea that we must accept them no matter what. I did date two dads in the past and never would again. I've had people tell me I'll be alone if I don't lower my standard on this and I say then I guess I'll be alone. Single parents is a lot of drama for childless on many levels (and obviously you know this even better than me). Because I know this is the one thing I can't bend I tell them upfront. I'm sure it stinks when parents get rejected by people like you and me, but we've all been rejected so they need to suck it up and look for someone else.

[Lonewing]

I'm most amused by the people wh osay "I have kids, but I'm not looking for a baby daddy' or 'you're not goingto see them' or any number of things that basically suggest she can lead a double life - one with me and one with her kids. It completely cheapens the relationship for me, and it's the clearest form of denial or arrogance one might have...To think you're that far above everybody that you can tell people what little segments of your life they can be in, and then which little segments they can't be in, while taking a full time relationship....no wonder some people are single!

 

In a lot of cases it appears to me like the children have become an excuse for the parent to retain negative qualities beyond their last relationship - in some ways, it dehabilitates growth and self reflection. It's the case of my father, for instance...my mother too. I understamd, she doesn't really have time to do those things, and in taking care of kids it takes a lot of energy to keep things going. And that's just beginning to touch on the Ruler/Dictator of the household one becomes when the partner has been disposed of. Once that independence is gained, it seems to be very difficult to allow another person to cohabitate in that space once more. It will always be HERS - or HIS - don't even think of disputing this issue. And after her or him, it belongs to the Kids. The road just gets steeper the longer you go down it...

 

So no thanks!

 

I might even pass on girls who own their own houses - at least, until I own one myself.

[Capricorn3]

i wonder if it had to do with the tone of her responses to those men who contacted her. i suspect more than one man complained.

You're right, that was the reason. She even admitted that she was "nasty to some of the men" (her own words).

[annie24]

I knew that some guys were threatened by me just because i have my own condo. strange why that is. you'd think a guy would be happy a girl has her crap together.

[Lonewing]

I knew that some guys were threatened by me just because i have my own condo. strange why that is. you'd think a guy would be happy a girl has her crap together.

 

A girl with her crap together is one thing, but a girl who has already built her own foundation...well, foundations are things that should be built together as a mutual investment - without equality in sweat equity, there will never be true equality attainable in that place...Basically put, that place is YOUR space. You have already filled that space with your dreams, your ideas, your projects, and your desires for what it will be. I suppose for those of us who immigrate in, we feel like second class citizens - no matter how comfortable we get, it never quite feels like "Home."