A fight for what's right

[Mix Maxster]

Hey everyone,

 

It seems the general thing behind most of these posts is "Hey all, been together with ___ for (x number of months/years) and it was great! Then things started going wrong and now we've been broken up now for (x number of days/weeks/months/years). Is it possible when you love someone SO MUCH that they just walk away like this and do a complete 180 on the relationship?? How is it possible??? are they coming back?"

 

For the most part you can break it down to that with of course the difference in time, intensity and the extent at which the break up came. One thing I see all too often is the use of something to help yourself heal which in turn may or may not have the ex return to you. Far too many times the advice comes with things we may not even be looking to hear because for some reason when we hear the advice others are giving we appreciate it, but feel there's something missing. When you try to challenge the idea of getting them back on your own that is considered a Taboo to try and fight for it because that's a battle you will end up losing. What's the loss? That they may or may not respond, that they may use you, that they may pull you on a string, that they may end up telling you off, they may push you away or WHATEVER it is one feels the ex could do to shoot you down.

 

It's odd how we can judge our exes as playing with our minds, doing things intentionally to hurt us and yet UNLESS they were doing this WHILE you were going out, how can you say that? It's just as equally hard for them is it not? or it isn't hard for them because they're not going through the pain they've put us through. For those who say that, you're right, but I don't think for a second that they take pleasure in hurting you or feeling that they are in control as TRUE as that may be, where did this come from? What does that serve for them? what kind of person does that make THEM then? if you think like that, how on earth could you even think about letting them back in?

 

Maybe moving on is the logical thing to do and is something EVERYONE must do to really gain perspective on life and love. That is true, but there's something true to know, we can love more than one person and there isn't just one person out there for us. Love DOES come again everyone and that's something you MUST see before you can want your ex back for the right reasons. When people DO see this, often times they'll try to go out and find someone new because they figure it's a step in seeing if that is in fact something that's true.

 

So ok if you're still following this post it's time to talk about getting them back. Why do you want them back? DO you even want them back? How are you planning on getting them back or is planning to get them back a terrible idea? The idea is that if you disappear or drop off the face of the earth, the ex will begin thinking about you again and will want to talk to you and if they COME BACK ON THEIR OWN you KNOW it's genuine. True, until they get a taste of you again and leave lol. Ok now I know it sounds like I'm playing with everyone here, but really far too many people don't want to try and actively get their ex back because it's too much work, too much stress, hurts them too much when things go wrong and they've already felt they've done enough already and the ex SHOULD see this on their own without them constantly fighting for them. Yes that is true, however it's obviously not enough or else they'd be in our arms. So if you think it's too much work for you, too much effort and stress then please fine someone else... there's many other people out there and it's possible to love just about anyone. Go find someone to love and be happy, because that doesn't just come with one person.

 

Now how are you goign to get them back? For some this STILL seems outrageous because you've been in pain, hurting and crying for them... they don't get to have that privillage to hurt you again don't let them. Also there's the idea that you'll only push them away. If you end up pushing them away for good well then that's GREAT! you have NO ONE to worry about coming back to you, then you can find someone else lol. If you KNOW they're not coming back instead of not being sure if they will or won't so you'll just focus on healing, then you'll ALWAYS wonder. Why are we so scared to actively go after them? The SECOND they call us back or talk to us we panic or go crazy and shoot out EVERYTHING that's going on instead of being patient with it and being slow. The second they stop talking to us again we cry and feel betrayed and go "I KNEW this was stupid to do... figures that they're just playing with us." when chances are we did or said something to probably scare them away. So fine this may all be too much, then by all means save yourself and throw in the towel at this point... you don't have to do this if you don't want to. Realize that it ISN'T goign to be easy, if it was would you want it? And far too many times people want the easy quick fix that will be instantaneous instead of a prolonged effort. That's why there's so many people getting plastic surgery and getting lipo. Impatient to wait out the results on their own. Not to say everyone is like that not at all, but perhaps that feeling like something could be done isn't so far from the truth like we may think. It just depends on how you go at it.

 

I will get to that in my next post.

[wickedbusa]

Excellent post. Please, don't take too long with your next post. This is good stuff.

[Scout]

Actually, I'm struggling with figuring out what the main point is being made here.

[Mix Maxster]

The point that is being made is that if you're on this forum to want to get back with your ex you must first understand WHY and HOW you're going to get them back. I'll put MY guidelines that I adhere to, but that no one else HAS to follow. The only condition for which I feel is unacceptable and would suggest NOT pursuing them is if there was ANY abuse going on in ANY FORM. I do not condone that behaviour from anyone and if it happened when you were with them DO not allow yourself to be a part of it anymore, most abusers NEVER change and the ones that do are very rare.

 

So continuing on, if you are on this forum NO doubt you've been gathering information and advice and the MOST popular of course are self-healing techniques. I am ALL for them as it helps you gain perspective on your life and you which may or may not lead to why your ex broke up with you. Some things to understand is that it DOES take two to tango and it's not so easy as just saying IT'S THEIR fault or IT'S MY FAULT. It's no ones fault and that's the truth. You can't help but be who you are and do not beat yourself up over it. Relationships are about learning and experience and you generally get a feeling of who you really are by the end of it.

 

So where am I going with this? Simple, you want your ex back? Why? Figure that out first. Why would they want YOU back? That's second. Figure out your belief for why you two are no longer together. That's third. After you've at LEAST figured out where you think you've went wrong, work on fixing that and take your time with this as there's NO SENSE in throwing it all away. So what I am about to talk about is considered taboo as if you ask ANYONE this they'll turn a head. Most will suggest that you've done everything in your power and the end result is that they're not with you anymore. That's true, now what comes next? Wait until they come back?? and I REALLY REALLY hate to sound pessimistic here, but there's a VERY slim chance of that happening and EVEN if they DID come back on their own, what's stopping them from running away again???? Nothing. So what's my point? Where am I going with this? The point is that you can't expect anything to happen just because you feel it was meant to be and waiting around long enough will prove that. Or it will prove that it wasn't meant to be lol. (no kidding)

 

If those of you out there do NOT have the patience for this NOR do they want to feel they have to do ANYTHING then PLEASE by all means find someone out there, there's a LOT of great people and there's an equal chance you'll love them too and they'll love you back. It's not a hard thing to come by, we're made to receive and give love so by all means find someone to share that with. I'm not trying to make the ones who feel it's better to let the ex be by themselves and you move on with your life, but my view is that if you do nothing wrong it won't hurt and plus it's a LOT better than just hoping things happen.

 

Things you shouldn't do: Cry, feel sorry for yourself, sound desperate, jump for joy the second they talk to you, give up hoping if they never come around anytime soon, give up trying the second things go wrong (like if nothing seems to be working... or it works then they withdrawl again). It's EASIER said than done, but if you can't do it then perhaps you're not strong enough to do anything yet and that's where more self-healing should be applied. If you could be a best friend to them, then that's a great start because that puts you at a place where they see where you are at and if anything has changed or is different. This also is an advantage if the ex was REALLY being honest with you and has been confused about what they want. When you become desireable to them they'll want to come back.

 

Before I post again I want to give people the chance to read through this and respond lol. I'll say now that if you're doing things to move on and see if there's other people out there. Answer this question, what is the difference between actively trying to go after your ex and actively going after someone else? If you're scared to lose your ex, but don't care to lose someone else because of the lack of history and other things, then you NEED TO REALIZE that you've already lost them and REALLY losing them is an option you have to accept.

[lady00]

deleted.

[Mix Maxster]

So you understand the part of the difference. That difference is a known which causes fear in a lot of people to actively go after them. That fear creates the worry that they may in fact hurt you again and also the fear that something won't come of it. So it's better left knowing they've hurt you and pursue someone new who may or may not hurt you because they're someone different. And you're right actively trying to go after them may cause them to believe you're trying to get them back and that's only if you give that vibe off. There's ways to tell if you're trying to get them back or not and they'll pick up on it.

 

What you said is VERY crucial and I'm glad you said it "why would they want to go back to a failed relationship? why should you? I'm not saying that rekindling with an ex is impossible or bad, I just think that it's a lot different from pursing a new interest."

 

But is it worth it??? One chooses to go after it, not because they feel they have to. You can choose to go after someone else, go ahead no one is stopping you, but from my P.O.V. if they did the breaking up and you felt that maybe it was some things you were or weren't doing that caused a part of the break up then perhaps that's where actively going after them may be a right idea.

[hurtbylove]

It'd be great if we could think of it all objectively but it's not always so simple.

 

I would love to lay out the groundwork to my ex and try to fix it but I can't even talk to her right now. Seeing her hurts me so much. Maybe your ex doesn't want to be with you right now, things change, people change. If she isn't willing to give it her all, or anything, then why should I try?

 

I'm still not able to separate my feelings of love, pain, anger away from able to have "just a friend level" relationship with her. I wasn't friends with her before. I only know how to be her lover.

[outrageousxo]

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[lady00]

Yeah, I understand about not knowing how to be someone's friend because you were never friends in the 1st place. I think in the cases of relationships like that, they are the hardest to rekindle because I believe that friendship should be strong between lovers and that in cases where there was a strong friendship foundation, there is a greater chance of getting back together than if the friendship was weak to begin with.

[hurtbylove]

Yeah, I understand about not knowing how to be someone's friend because you were never friends in the 1st place. I think in the cases of relationships like that, they are the hardest to rekindle because I believe that friendship should be strong between lovers and that in cases where there was a strong friendship foundation, there is a greater chance of getting back together than if the friendship was weak to begin with.

 

I wish we were friends before we were together too. It was my first relationship and it was her third. She was pushing me so hard in the relationship and I tried hard to keep up. We were moving way too fast and I tried to tell her that but each time she got so hurt.

 

Sometimes these things are just beyond your control.