Help, still in pain after many months!

[Missy38]

Help,

I really do not know what to do with myself. I split from my ex about 10 months ago & I am still miserable. Don't get me wrong, I am surviving but that seems to be it. I'm still not happy & not enjoying life. I'm wondering if it's the end of the line for me as I'm 39 years old, & having finished a 10 year relationship to move on & really find happiness, I met my ex & thought that it had all been worth it! I was so happy & he was the first guy I really felt that I'd be able to spent the rest of my life with. As it turned out, he obviously thought differently & finished with me. He said we were at different stages & I guess he was right - he was 10 years younger than me. I must have been stupid to thnk it would have lasted but was head over heels. So when we split not only did I feel gutted that I'd lost my best friend, lover, soulmate etc! but also that any chances of spending the rest of my life with someone & maybe settling down & having kids too was lost. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have been through all the months of crying & pining, & staying in. Then I slowly started picking myself up & going out a bit. People were always telling me that time was the best healer, & so I listened & hoped. & I have also dated a few guys, but to be honest have not been keen on any of them. My life now feels as though I'm just going through the motions & with everything I am still unable to forget my ex. I still love him..urghh! & pine for him & still cannot see myself without him????? I know its pretty sad but I am as miserable as sin & just wish I could find a way of snapping out of it. One thing I should mention is that we've never taken the course of no contact! maybe this has been my mistake? But I could never seem to stick to it. Initially after the break-up when I chased him & realised what an idiot I was being, I stopped & then he started contacting me. After a while I decided it was too painful & said it would be best if we didn't contact each other. He didn't understand as he said he felt that we could be friends!? but then said he repected my wishes. Then about a week later he contacted me & then asked if we could meet. So I agreed - weak or what! & we had a lovely time but he didn't want me back. & it's been the same ever since. The contact has been pretty much daily, but whilst for him its a case of chatting to a friend, for me although its good its like painful in a way because I still hold a torch for him. There have been loads of mixed messages from him but I know now that he says stuff without thinking.

Anyway, if anyone can help cos I'm having a bad day & I really don't know how I can pick myself up! I don't want to keep feeling like my lifes over???!!!

thanks

[evepm]

Dear Missy38:

 

My thoughts are that because you have not stuck to the no contact rule, you are continuing the relationship on an emotional level thereforeeee you haven't really stopped the relationship. I hope this makes sense. You need to stick to the no contact rule and leave him behind. He sees this as a friendship and my guess is that you are still looking for a way back to the relationship. By continuing contact you are not allowing yourself to stop the feelings for him and to begin to really heal because your life is still somewhat focused around him.

 

As far as having children, you are still young enough to do this and I know several women who have had healthy children in their 40's.

 

Until you stop all contact with him and give yourself real time to heal, all other men will be a comparison of him. You will meet the right person for you someday. But, you need to heal from this first. I hope I helped and I wish the best for you.

 

Peace and blessings to you,

evepm

[charity66]

I have been through the same situation...the best thing for you to do is start a journal. Write in it every night your thoughts and feelings of everything that happened that day. Name your journal so it is easier to "talk with" get it all out, not hiding anything. Write especially about the current situation. How do you feel when you see him and he lets you know it isn't you he wishes to spend quality time with? How do you feel when he leads you on so he can be with you, but not in your life? They always say actions speak louder than words and it is true. His actions do not lie because most can not control that. He is doing this to you because he can. He can still see you and have other women in his life at the same time and no one is stopping him. You are the one hurting...not him so it is up to you to stop it. Finding other men to hang out with helps, even if you don't want a realtionship with anyone...they are great at reminding what a looser you ex is!

Your journal, if you are truly honest with yourself...it will give you insite to how you are feeling about this person you say you don't want to live without...but I can guarentee that once you read what you have written about the way he treats you, the way he makes you feel inside...it will be easier for you to not ever want to be with him again. It took me about 8 weeks of being pushed out and writing about it before I realized...I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS

[Missy38]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the advice. I will buy myself a journal & give it a go. It can only help. I couldn't feel lower at the mo. What a sap I am! I do realise that, & yet I've done nothing positive about it cos I haven't the strength!!!!

So thanks again for your replies, I will take heed & see how it goes

[murrayfaces]

Time does help heal wounds, but it won't/can't if you choose to open them up again everyday. And that's what you're doing by speaking to him daily. If you really want to stop thinking about him, start by stopping talking to him. You don't think about somebody as much if you don't hear their voice everday. Sure, you will still think of them, but less and less as the days go by.

 

One thing I find is that I am worse certain parts of the day. So, you have to keep busy during those times, and find lots to do. I hate to hear that you're feeling so down. I don't like anyone to have that feeling, because I still have days of that feeling. I think if you start today with no contact, you will start to feel better in a few days.

[radicalguru]

hi missy,

i dont want this to sound like a lecture. so, will say this in almost clinical terms.

we define how others treat us. your willingness to allow your ex to keep in touch and say what he wants to, and your optimism to try and hear some positive signal frm him has now become the norm of the relationship. thus, while his needs of "chatting with a friend" are being fulfilled, your needs are being shattered. now its time for you to decide whether or not you can play the role of the friend without being shattered. if so, keep going. if not, then clearly to protect yourself, you need to move on and fast.

and incidentally, the forties are the finest age for women. trust me! its a mans thing!!!

smile and love yourself,,,,

[fantasia2004]

Missy

 

I can relate to your problem and I stopped right after 8 months even as he dates another woman ! Leave him alone and enjoy life again! hE MESSED UP ALREADY. Don't let him steal your celebritism of a star in the making. Someone else is ready to feel you shine on them.

 

Be a miracle worker and change your life by changing your outlook of yourself your situation and how it would be better if he is no longer in your life.

 

There is someone out there for everybody don't think you will never meet someone unless you choose not to.

[Missy38]

Hi, & thanks for all your latest posts,

I do understand what you mean about opening wounds. A friend of mine recently said just that to me, but I haven't even been honest with most of my friends about the amount of contact because I know that they would be disappointed with me. I am on here now writing to you because of just that. The fact that I have hidden things from my friends because I can't bear to let them know how weak I've been! But I'm also here because it is getting serious. Sometimes I've found myself obsessing so much that I've thought I really don't want this anymore. & its not even been in a distraught, panicky way or anything just exhausted & tired & ready to give up. & these moods have worried me. So I thought about the person I used to be & the person I've become, & I realised that enough is enough, I have to try harder. So thank you all for your posts, it really does help to get your opinions even if harsh - honestly. & thanks radicalguru, I will try to look at myself & smile & love myself! that is fab. & fantasia2004, I am going to have a go with changing my outlook, which I have tried to do in the past but given up almost immediately. Isn't it mad how just one person can have such an effect on you. I have been feeling like I'm going insane lately & have had a constant nervy feeling in my stomach which has been getting worse! I need to calm down right?!!!

[lisaria]

Hi Missy38,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I really hope you will listen to these smart people up here. They know what they are talking about.

Here's my two cents worth (if even that). You have to stop talking to him. It is like you are opening up that wound every time he calls and you don't get what you need from him. He is doing fine, he's got you and whatever else he wants in his life. Is he seeing others? Would he tell you? Honestly?

You have to be strong. Everytime he calls you he gets a small piece of your self-respect and your inner power. YOU. He gets a small piece of you. You have to stop doing that to yourself.

You want someone in your life, you want kids and marriage. You aren't too old for pete's sake. I'm older than you and I worry about the same things you do. Was my ex my last chance for love? Will I ever find anyone else? The answer is YES. There are so many people out there who are looking and wanting the same things we want. We will find them. It may take us a while, but we will. Only we have to be ready for it. We can't be still pining for the ex and talking to the ex and having that knife twisted in our hearts everyday. You could be missing the man of your dreams while you're on the phone with Mr. Friendly.

Do not accept his phone calls. If you have caller id, use it. If it's him, don't answer. Erase his msgs. Do not listen to them. If he wants you in his life he'll find you, but don't make it easy for him. It sounds like he's had it too damned easy as it is.

Take back your power. Be strong. You can do it. It's been so very hard now because there are no boundaries for him. He can do what he wants and you don't make yourself heard. If you told him to stop calling you because it hurts too much and he hasn't done as you asked then he is showing how selfish he is. He can have you hanging on which must make his ego pretty big. STOP IT! Don't feed into it. Let it go. He needs to know that he can't hurt you and expect you to be his friend. Not yet anyway.

I really hope you do better. But only you can do it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

lisaria

[Missy38]

Hiya,

& thanks lisaria for your post. To be truthful, I had a lapse at the weekend & sunk pretty low?????? It has been so weird because since we split I have know where he is almost constantly. He keeps me informed of his every movement. But enough is enough, because its now making me feel ill. & whether he's got anyone else, that I do not know. We would all like to think that they haven't. If I'm honest I don't really think he has which is why all the contact. But then you know that as soon as they do you'll be dropped like a hot cake! & waiting for that ain't any fun at all! It hurts but I know that he just didn't love me enough to put what's needed into a relationship. When I met him he had his set routines & although he broke a few for me, it seemed like a chore for him. He had pretty much never had a long relationship before me, preferring to always be doing his own thing - he does a lot of sports activities & this takes up a lot of his time. Anyway, I'm a bit low today but I am so going to try & get a grip & be stronger. I realise that there are so many more important things in life to be worrying about, but this just seems huge at the moment. Been having loads of disturbing dreams too, so I can't even escape when I'm asleep. But I have taken note of all the advice I have been given & will try so hard to act on it. I am battling hardest with the fact that all my friends are at places where I wanted to be. & I get this kind of sympathy thing going on with them. It might sound sad but at the moment I'd love nothing more than to simply be loved & to love someone back & feel content & secure????!!!!! - obviously I'd love to have had it with him, but ok so moving on, maybe one day I can have it again.

Thanks again for all your support

[lisaria]

Hey Missy,

Just remember honey, that you will get through this and you WILL find someone else who will love you how YOU want to be loved. It is so damned hard when we love and lose. I know that there is nothing that compares to it, whether we lose by death or divorce or they leave, it's still us without them and we have to survive. Even though it feels like we will never be happy or in love again. We will. It will just take time.

But whatever you do, don't give him anymore of you. You've wasted so much. You said he had his routine when you guys met and then he changed it some but it was a chore for him....do you really want someone who "changes" because you don't quite fit into his routine? And it's a chore??? No, it's love that scoots over and makes room for you in his routine. And it is not a chore. Never that.

I know how the weekends can be. They are always the worst. This past weekend was rough on me, it was our anniversary on Saturday. But I got through it. It was really, really hard. But he probably didn't even remember it and I was sitting around crying. And he could care less. It's so screwed up.

Anyway...I just wanted you to know that we care and want you to get through this with your dignity and self-respect intact. If it's like mine it may be a little tattered, but it's still there. So hang in there. If you ever need to vent or if you get the urge to contact him, get up here instead. We are here for you.

lisaria

[Missy38]

Hi Lisaria,

That is so kind of you. I'm working at the mo & having a hard day but reading your post has put a little smile on my face. Thanks so much & I hope that you're ok too. As you say we will get through this as difficult as it seems right now. I will defintiely come on here if I ever get that urge to contact him.

Thanks again.

 

Missy

[Missy38]

Ooops!

having a really low day again today. Got the urge to contact him but coming on here instead. Am feelling really deflated & sorry for myself. I've just so had enough!

At lunch I was walking aorund town & all I saw were mums & babys' , or really attractive young girls! I just feel like a blob & cannot get that confidence back. I know this self pity is selfish & silly but I can't help it. I am so fed up. Sorry!!!! At the moment I just can't see how I can pick myself up, mend this aching heart & get a life again.

[prowler]

i say that to myself and all of you dumped hanging around... Why should You feel that? Is THAT something to live for? The whole trick is that not a soul really needs those sufferings, and you are certainly the last one.Or d'you want to please that damn swine? None of them are "really sorry" or whatever they say..And some find a particular pleasure in feeling and being a swine - a pretty good reason to be all-forgiving and all-justifying to oneself. Just start creating something or buy a pet and love it. For one I started growing virtual gardens with Flower&Fantasy program (to me rather a relaxation)- it truly brought me around. There were times i was nearly out of wits and senses - so I just picked out flowers to grow, shapes of beds, surroundings, relaxing music - luckily, it doesn't take any brain-straining. And then I was watching almost real flowergardens groing in front of my eyes, and i could approach any flower or even fly around or replace some flowers by other, if i didn't like something.I really REIGNED in that garden, I could even create weather and make snowdrops blossom in autumn. And than comes that sense of ruling my life and feelings and what not! You just say "it's beautiful, i should care" And i'm not that young and naive...What does it take to find something to care for and to care of? Or to rule...And that gonna be be the first step. But DON'T you ever become cruel and grunged or offened - have pride and stay beyond that..

[Missy38]

Hi, I'm back again & feeling at that desperate state. Not eating, sleeping, smoking loads, drinking loads & obsessing about my ex. He's told me that he likes someone & basically I now know for sure that he's moved on. Ok, I know that I should be picking myself up & saying so what, but right at this moment I can't. It sounds silly to say that I'm unable to concentrate on anything, & I'm obsessing about this girl who will of course be younger than me & probably more gorgeous. I know that all my feeling are irrational at the moment but I can't stop em. I feel physically sick & last night I'd just had enough.

[ggm]

Go get a copy of Men Who Can't Love and read it..it will probably help you. The library will have it.

[grinand bearit]

Hi Missy,

 

I wish I had found your posts earlier, but I read through them all today and I just have to comment that you sound just like me! Which, by the way, is not such a good thing!

Last year, my bf of 5 years broke up with me--there was abuse involved as well--and I had no contact with him for 8 months. I don't know how you can handle seeing/talking to hime each day. It was hard for me without that; as you said, I "survived" but without enjoying anything. Anyway, we got back together in the spring and then, in June, broke up again! I feel like all the work I did last year to try to heal is now for loss. I am back in the same boat. Now, there has been no contact for a couple of months, and I miss him every day and night. I do know better than to speak with him because it would only raise false hopes. Like you, I was involved with a man younger than me, so that crosses my mind, too--he can get someone younger and more attractive, etc.

There are a hundred ways we make ourselves crazy thinking, all kinds of reasons we are afraid to try again. Believe me, I have seen no one else I'd be interested in. I tend to look at men younger, because that's what I am used to now, and they are not looking back. I hate the idea of dating again anyway. And, I just turned 50! so I really do tend to believe my run is over, so to speak.

I wish I had great advice for you. I wish I had it for me, wish I would take it. I hope all the best for you...when you get that low, anxious, can't live without hearing his voice feeling, get on this site, call a friend, anything, but DO NOT contact him. It really does hurt less after a bit if you don't.

 

Be well,

 

G&B

[Missy38]

Hiya,

wasn't sure if I should come back on here again to whinge! But I'm having a bit of a struggle again & I've nowhere to turn. I'm still really cut up about my ex, but at least we've had virtually no contact for 3 weeks. I still think about him most of the time & I'm still jealous of his new thing that he's got going on. It seems so unfair that he's got all! I know I'm sounding pathetic & sorry for myself again but I do feel quite low. I've met a few guys lately but they've treated me with no respect & I've basically been hurt again. What am I doing wrong??? Is it that maybe I need to give myself space from men for a bit? maybe I'm being too needy without realising it. Since the age of 18 I've always been in a relationship, maybe I'm scared to be alone? I am sick of going to bed feeling bad & thinking of my ex & wondering if he's with his new girlfriend. & waking up thinking of him. I am cross with myself for being so silly & I do try to stop the thoughts but I am having difficultly. I can't understand why my heart still aches for someone who clearly has no regard for me.

Help!

Missy

[StandTall]

I can fully relate to what you're going through. I was the younger man dating an older woman- 13 years difference. It began with me thinking we would be friends and have some physical fun- It turned into mutual love. Although we were in love, she always seemed skeptical. I tried to reassure her and comfort her, but she seemed to know in the back of her mind that it would not be a "Forever" thing. I finally couldn't stand knowing I was a "For now" guy, and walked away. We did get back together once, and it ripped me into pieces. I have since asked her not to call, and told her I would call her when I could handle it. Fortunately for me, she has been respectful of that. I have dated here and there. It is very true that you need to take time away from the dating scene when this happens, and assess your own life. There is a saying: "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten". I have found this to be so true. Missy- You need to quit contacting him, and refuse to take his calls- There is no other way. Go through this pain, don't try to rush it, and things will get better without you even realizing it. I still have my moments- Cried this morning in fact. I now realize that the chances of a relationship with someone 12 years older than myself may work, but it is highly improbable. thereforeeee, I am now trying to avoid that because it didn't work for me. Learn what didn't work for you, make the changes, fill your sails and start for uncharted waters. I wish you all the best.

[Missy38]

Hiya & thanks for your post StandTall,

I feel for you too. I didn't for one minute when I met my ex think that it'd be a problem for us in the future. But to be honest I was always going on about how he'd run off & leave me for a younger chick in a few years... I didn't really mean it, but I was uncomfortable with the age gap. Still, I loved him so much & I still do. But you are right I do have to go through the pain & no contact is the only way. Some days are so bad at the moment that I don't want to pick myself up. It has only been about 3/4 weeks so I guess it's like coming off a drug. Previous to that we were in contact most days. I understand what you are saying about learning what didn't work for you & I will try to change that. My problem seems to be that I only attract guys so much younger than me I think because I don't look my age. & I have been ok with this in the past, but as you say clearly it doesn't work. I am so miserable today. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Wish I could stop torturing myself thinking that he's with someone else too! I cried last night & felt like my heart was completely broken. Its so weird isn't it, how you can feel so much pain from this????

Anyway, thanks again for you mail, & your advice is very much appreciated. You take care of yourself too & a big hug from me!

Missy

[StandTall]

It is just like a drug, and every time you call, you are looking for a fix. Cry, suffer, drink (Not noo much), and eventually, you are starting to enjoy things without even realizing it. I am 7 months out, but was a complete wreck at 3-4 weeks. How many 32 year old guys do you know that cry in their office at work- I was a mess. You just start to not give a F$@% after a while, and realize it is over. Hang in there.

[Double D]

Hi Missy

I have had the same situation with my ex. She dumped me over 3 months ago, but I have not gone more than a week without talking to her. At times I thought we would get back together. We have slept together since but she always turns cold by the next day and tells me it will never be like it was. I have tried to tell her about NC but I can't get the words out to do it. Right now it's been 3 days since I last spoke to her. She had been phoning me about every other day, I rarely ever call her. Like I said there were some times in the past couple of months where we had great times together but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Please help

[DragonGirl724]

we all know all too well of your pain. its been 7months broken up for me & i know how much it still occupies my soul... i hope the journal is workin for u. i have a live journal online tho i try to refrain from posting a lot about him but i post about my everyday life & i have great firends & i reflect on the life that i have (w/o my ex in it none the less)...hes read it a cpl times actually. but watever. explain to him this is causing you pain & you respected his decision to break up & u have to deal w/ it so now he has to respect your feelings & your decision & deal with it as well...sometimes it takes a strong person to hold on, but an even stronger person to let go... keep posting. wishing u all the best during this difficult time.

 

its pretty ironic if u think about it...something that doesnt exist anymore can still bring down your days & control your mood & your life... its a crappy reality but a reality none the less...talk to your friends about it, if they care about you they will listen & hear you out. goodluck. they should be your immediate support system. & one day u will have that family you dream of.

 

-DG724

[Missy38]

Hiya,

thanks for your posts. Double D, hang in there. Hope things are ok for you??? I can only say that from my experience having contact hurts far more than not. I am still up & down but at least with no contact I can have a few more up times.

Today is a particularly bad day & I'm not sure why????? had a good week generally last week. I even thought at one point that I might be over him! Then this weekend it all turned around, & I began thinking about him, wanting to contact him, wondering who he was with...etc etc ! thought I was going insane. Then last night I got all tearful again. I just wished that he was still with me & that I was settling down & having children with him! Oh well as its not possible I have to try to hold on to that hope that it will happen to me & I am trying so hard to let him go. DragonGirl724 thanks I really do hope I will have the life I want eventually. As the clock ticks I'm getting a bit anxious & wondering why it didn't happen to me sooner & why I'm surrounded by people who have all of that? It gets to you when you're hearing of endless weddings, new births etc! I'm happy for others don't get me wrong, but also a bit jealous! & I know that's bad but I so want to be in their shoes.

...One day...lol!

[Clarabelle]

I relate to your situation, Missy. I kept contact going for months because I wanted him to have contact with our daughter. I pushed for NC at first but he persuaded me out of it...and I wanted to let him know that I was willing to try. I realize that he played his current gf off me all the time to make me feel insecure and dependent, just so he could play with the situation and feel powerful. I was the one who broke up with him, so he had some payback issues. Now I finally woke up. I'm getting a legal separation, and I'm making him stick to a schedule for seeing our daughter. Strict NC is going to be impossible, but I can't have him calling me to tell me he loves me all the time and then vent on me. If he needs to tell me anything, it's limited to things about our daughter and preferably in an e-mail or text message. A friend told me that as soon as I stop reacting negatively to his gf all the time, he won't be nearly as interested in her, because he was looking for the drama. He even said once to me what will happen to me if you go out someone else, then I'll be stuck with someone I'm not even that into - his mess, not mine!