Wanted to know...now I wish I didnt know :(

[SapphireNoir10]

I wanted to believe my ex was hurting as much as I was.

 

We had a turbulent relationship where he ended it maybe 6 times in the space of four months. We were together a year. The final time he ended it he was very unkind and told me many many hateful things. Including that I couldnt hold down a job and I was useless cos I didnt love cooking and ridiculous things. I was just like 'yeah ok its for the best' I cried, but held my dignity, didnt beg for him back and he was saying stuff like 'its for the best, but is it too late to go back?' and i had to say it was too late to back out of. Because I knew if he backed out of it then it'd only happen again.

 

So, the first thing he did after it ended was add several exes on his FB and girls that had been hitting on him etc.

 

A week later, my parents went down to get the rest of my stuff. (Its about four hours away from where we all now live and I dont drive) When they got there at 10am he was still in bed, and he was meant to be at work. he rushed out to work and they said he looked awful ,his eyes were red rimmed and he seemed really subdued and upset.

 

Why do I feel sorry for him? I've been hardly eating, and I had to start my life AGAIN including finding a job because of him. Yet I feel SORRY for him. Even though he brought all this on himself. I never did anything but love him and support him and he was constantly critical and abusive. Eugh. I just have to keep remembering that we are NO CONTACT! and its done now. For good.

[d24]

So, the first thing he did after it ended was add several exes on his FB and girls that had been hitting on him etc.

 

 

Yet I feel SORRY for him.

 

you should feel sorry for him, he's obviously lost the plot a bit.

then again, at least he's not your problem any more.

Just be glad, NC will get easier now!

 

(real mature of him btw)

[SapphireNoir10]

I know the way he broke up with me was cruel. Calling me useless and awful and saying how much happier he'd be without me. Then he didnt bother contacting me and showed no respect by flaunting this ex business over fb where he knew I'd see it.

 

So nasty

[PaintWithLight]

Sapphire - I understand you are in pain and this has been difficult. I am going to give you some tough love here.

 

You are in no contact but you still continue to chip around the edges. Getting updates on who he has added to his FB, hearing this eye witness report from your parents, please stop!! You are too fragile right now to absorb this information. You say you feel sorry for him then in the next breath, talk about how abusive he was. Breaking up 6 times in 4 months? This is not the relationship you imagined it to be!!! There is much better out there for you. I wish you could see the happy future that is speeding your way. Get through the pain as quickly as you can.

 

Do this by being pro-active. Do not look for a job "because of him", look for a job because you are building a kick a** future for yourself. You do not drive? Start practicing and get your license. Anything you can do to pull your self esteem back up to where it needs to be.

 

I could be wrong but there might be elements of co-dependency here. Glance at a book on that topic and see if it rings any bells. I know addressing those issues was a key part of my healing. My manta became: "I am not responsible for any other person's happiness but my own". Wow, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders when I started believing this.

 

We are here for you to vent, to listen, to help. Use this time wisely and you will blossom and grow. Stay strong!

[SapphireNoir10]

I didnt mean find a job for or because of him but because I've had to move back home and need to find a new one.

 

I may be a bit codependent. But mostly I feel sorry for him, as abusive and unkind as he was to me, at the start I really thought he was the one and I genuinley fell in love with him. And as much as he hurt me, I dont wish his life falling apart on him. You know?

 

My parents just told me they were shocked to see him not at work and that he looked sad.

 

I need to stop thinking about him, Im keeping busy with friends, learning to drive and I do have an interview next week so hoping for the best

[PaintWithLight]

Sapphire - Maybe I was too strong. All I am saying is that how we frame our thoughts is EVERYTHING. It is much more than the glass being half empty or half full. Frame this chapter in your life as a time of exciting change and you will be transformed.

[SapphireNoir10]

You werent too strong at all. I accept what you are saying. Your right.

[SapphireNoir10]

Oh for goodness sake. I just got a present from him in the post. I presume in time for my birthday which is soon. With no message, nothing...It made me just bawl my eyes out.

[lia86]

Sapphire, I understand... My last two exes were very similar. Neither of them had the slightest idea how to resolve conflict, and took everything personally and defensively like children. It was impossible to communicate, reach compromise or even basic respect and understanding.

 

As a result there were numerous breakups with both relationships, the final one both times being their initiating. Previous ex was depressed for a year until he finally started dating someone else (then went on to have the same problems with her and they're over and he's depressed again).

 

I don't know how the current ex is doing, but he has told me how he handled our previous breakups and he was in pretty bad shape, depressed, crying, late for work a lot, etc.. He almost seemed to take them harder than me, and I'd be an un-functioning, crying mess. Now I could be wrong but I am assuming this final breakup is no different than our previous ones. He could be totally over it and out there and happier with someone new, but I doubt it.

 

My point is that some men (people) are so emotionally stunted they would rather be right and miserable than compromising, understanding and happy. They would rather be stubborn and completely depressed than give in and _________. (insert irrational fear) They would rather be angry to protect themselves from being hurt, all the while still hurting but feeling safe in the knowledge of __________ (Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe that they broke up with you and have the upper hand? Or if they're angry they're somehow in control and okay? Have more power over you, even if you move on and walk away?)

 

There are men out there who will give up everything and go to the ends of the earth to prove how "angry and right" they are, and I don't want a thing to do with another one of them, ever. No doubt these men "loved" us. They loved us with everything they had. But anger, shutting down and being unwilling to budge an inch is very stunted, undeveloped, premature love and that is NOT what I am accepting anymore.

[SapphireNoir10]

Your right. I cant accept this. The present threw me off. I just burst out crying it hurt so much But not even a message, hes so angry and stubborn.

 

They obviously werent the men for us. Otherwise they wouldnt have risked losing us.

[greywolf]

Oh for goodness sake. I just got a present from him in the post. I presume in time for my birthday which is soon. With no message, nothing...It made me just bawl my eyes out.

 

Honestly, I think that is him still trying to be manipulative. He's trying to make sure that you're still thinking about him.

[SapphireNoir10]

I really dont get the point of sending it when he hasnt had anything to do with me in two weeks.

[greywolf]

^Read my post above. It's to keep you thinking about him and confused.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah true. I havent broken NC and Im not going too. I'm just ignoring it.

[engraved2008]

Yes you are right......we gave everything to them,at least we did intend to work it out......the mission is accomplished.....My thing was a slight,,what if '' i was living closer.Well i offered that many times and he did not want me too,he did discourage....so i can say i have done all i could have done....we need to realize there will be someone to love as in return one day....

[pillowtalk]

Sapphire, I understand... My last two exes were very similar. Neither of them had the slightest idea how to resolve conflict, and took everything personally and defensively like children. It was impossible to communicate, reach compromise or even basic respect and understanding.

 

Wow, did we date the same person? My ex wasn't an * * * * * * * by any means, but he had NO idea how to resolve conflict. Impossible to communicate or find compromise, like you said. It's pretty much the reason we broke up.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah my ex wasnt totally evil or bad he just wasnt willing to resolve conflict and was fine to critisize me constantly, but my god if i had a problem or issue i wanted to talk through it was like the end of the world.

 

Communication really is key.

[randy2029]

Not the slightest idea ot how to resolve conflict, and took everything personally and defensively like children

[randy2029]

oops sorry about the above post.

 

I meant to say, yeah, not the slightest idea ot how to resolve conflict, and took everything personally and defensively like children. Man, do I hear you. And I'm a guy!

[Yaz]

Same boat, but mine's not coming back. And I agree w/greywolf - manipulation on all counts.

Put it this way - at least you know how he feels, or that he is feeling something about you. Good on you for staying NC. If he wants you back in his life for sure, he has to make the effort to show you PROPERLY. Not by sending you junk in the mail and waiting for you to call. What a child - he's looking for pain relief, expecting you to call back and yell "WHHHHHHYYYYYY?!"

I know you're in pain, but I am so jealous of you right now! I would die to receive even a text, just showing that he still thought about me. It would be comforting, but I would maintain NC.

[DN]

Stay strong and don't be manipulated.

[SapphireNoir10]

I wont. Im still no contact. Not going there!

[andie84]

OMG, wow, this is totally my situation right now, and this has really helped. Thank you for putting this into words, as I had not been able to. Thank you for this post.