How do I handle this?

[2kids]

I am in the midst of a probable split with my husband. I think when it is all said and done, we will be ok as far as remaining friends and being civil with one another. I have to have some sort of relationship with him, preferably a good one, because of the kids. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose sides.

 

Here is the problem...my mother. She knows a bit about what is going on and she is taking the stance that I should leave, never look back and not allow him to know anything about where I live, what I am doing and everything in between. Uh, if we didn't have kids I would understand where she is coming from but that is not the case. She also does not get that outside of his recent cheating and the lies that went along with that, he has not done anything major to me such as physical abuse and the like. We have already discussed division of properties and stuff like that, and everything is going pretty smooth since neither one of us wants to get courts involved. My sister says to not tell her anything else.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[BellaDonna]

Your mom is probably furious with him for hurting you emotionally. However, I would explain to her that despite him being a bad husband to you, he is a good father to the children and that you want them to have their father in their lives even if he is not in your life. Those 2 aspects of him are separate. Aside from that the children are both of yours so unless he abused or neglected them there is really no reason why he shouldn't be in their lives. Since you have already decided to split up with him there is really no need to tell your mom anything else. I agree with your sister.

 

It sounds as if your mom wants to "punish" him by taking the kids away. Not only is that immature, but it is also damaging to the kids. They should never be used like that. Divorce is difficult enough for children as it is. I am glad that you and your ex are going to be civil for their sake. The more normal and relaxed this transition can be for them, the better.

 

You should be careful because you don't want your mom trash-talking your ex in front of the kids either. No matter what he is still their father so you may need to let her know your stance on that issue ASAP. She can cause a lot of heartache for your kids otherwise. They should never be in the middle.

 

It's understandable that your mom can't stand your ex, but she has to have self-control and know when to butt out. The children are yours and your ex's. You 2 will still be the ones to make decisions for them until they are old enough to decide things for themselves.

 

When you talk to her about it be assertive, "matter-of-fact", and clear. Act as if there are no other options and it is not up for discussion. Be confident in your decision and make sure she knows her boundaries.

[dancingcolors]

If the children are minors it is against the law to take them and not let their father know where they are. Both parents have the right to see their children, and this is what the law wants. You could lose your children to himby hiding out. I have seen it happen more than once. You need to figure out a legal parenting plan and who gets custody. I know you said you don't want courts involved, but you really need to for the protection of everyone, when it comes to the kids. You can write something out if you agree, and then just submit it to the court, and they can just stamp it.

 

Yeah, listen to your sister about your mother. Sounds like you will only be aggravating her and the situation, telling her your problems.

[2kids]

Thanks bella and dancing. I NEVER wanted to hide out with the kids...simply because I would never want the kids to resent me for doing that to them. I know that we can come up with an agreement and submit it ourselves, which is what we both want to do. My mom does not like him for reasons that go pretty deep that have zero to do with me. Actually she seemed to have "warmed" to him a few years ago, but now she has reverted back. When I talked to her 2 nights ago, btw she is 8 hours away, she told me that when I get a new place that I shouldn't let him assist me in any way shape or form. All I told her was that I had asked him to be there for me in the event I needed any assistance with inspections etc. She had told me that she wanted me to come to her house for Thanksgiving, but I think that would be a disaster so I am not going. My plans are to just be with my kids and as long as me and him are not arguing and the like, there is no reason for him to go somewhere else either. The bad thing is, she is reliving the divorce with my father after hearing all this. That is all I can figure. It was ugly but he is a POS and I am 38 and haven't seen him since I was 12, so I don't want the same for my kids.

 

I think I am feeling like when I just needed someone to talk to (my sis was in class), my mom wasn't entirely there for me. I won't ask her for monetary support because she will hang it over my head. She isn't understanding that we came to the conclusion that maybe we are better friends than being married, that way I don't have to have his escapades affecting me the way they have been. Does that make sense?

[BellaDonna]

I won't ask her for monetary support because she will hang it over my head.

 

That is wise.

 

The bad thing is, she is reliving the divorce with my father after hearing all this. That is all I can figure

 

That is insightful. It shows you where she might be coming from. As long as you are aware of that you can do your best to prevent it from dictating your situation.

 

Giving her minimal information to fuel her fire is probably your best approach. You sister sounds like a better person for you to lean on.

[2kids]

Yeah my sister is actually being pretty helpful for me. She said when I get ready to move and all that she will come and help me get situated. I told her a while ago before everything came to a head that if she ever got sick of hearing my drama to let me know so as not to ruin our relationship. I decided that I don't want to call my mom for about a week or so and see if I can talk to her then. Until then, my sis tells me what kind of mood mom is in so I know when to call and when not to. I know, strange.

[KG]

In the end, it's your life, not your Mother's. Go with your sister's advice.