If you do get them back, is it worth it?

[d346]

I have been reading these posts for a bit, and have been following those situations, where a significant other has left, given little explanation why, and thus began the NC, and the waiting....

 

I broke up with my bf for a month -he didn't know about things (ultimately I think it was marriage that freaked him out after 3 years together) -he needed time, space, I was demanding too much. We also had lived together, (something we did impetuously, so we moved apart, and me pushing to see him more pushed him away) ANYWAY, I was upset, told him straight out, we did NC and he eventually came back -saying he was stupid for leaving, he is totally in love with me -let's start over again -rebuild.

 

OK, so after reading many of your posts, this seems like the ultimate success story. A bond that couldn't be broken -an instance where NC actually made us realize how much we missed one another and mean to each other.

 

But now we're back together, and we're "starting over again" But I can't help but wonder if taking it slow is just BS. (He knows we need to communicate, and he should never walk away like that again -and I can't nag on him anymore) but I am beginning to wonder if I can settle for "starting over" after 3 years. We spend most of the weekend together, 1 maybe 2 weeknights together, but he's really busy with a lot of activities. He calls everyday/night, but I can't help but feel a twinge of disappointment that he doesn't want to see me each night, I mean we used to live together!!! -we were a team, and on the whole I loved that. So it's hard to take steps backwards. For example, I went to the beach this weekend with my friends (still focusing on myself!). I didn't see him. He called when I got back, and we just chatted, and he said well, I'm tired, I'm off to bed. I guess he didn't miss me enough to want to see me. So now I wonder, how long does this last? we already did the "falling head over heels in love" thing, and moved in with one another impetuously. After the breakup, and everything, how long are we going to do this dating thing?, -it's not exactly a courtship, since we've known each other 3 years already. we just aren't seeing each other as much. -and what will ever move us forward again? Perhaps I'm impatient. But maybe he will never want to marry me. How can I not have doubts?

 

Anyway, as I have seen on this board, and as I believe muenca advised -I shouldn't be demanding, I should do my thing, and I am...and I am not nagging. However I am beginning to wonder if I can settle for less -less than what we had, you know?

 

So, I guess my question is, if you decide to take your ex back -and take it slow like they want it, is it worth it? I'm sure you'll all have to start slow too if you get back together. Some of you are only talking to them sporadically, hoping next time is more. Is this what we really want? Maybe I'm being over dramatic. but it can be really frustrating too.

[JT]

From my personal gut feeling and from what I've read (statistics and such), when yuo take the ex back no matter who left who, things are never the same. I know for me, being in that situation and being dumped, but then still talking and getting back together I could never let go of that.. the fact that she did that. It was always in the back of my head, and I could never open myself up completely because of fear she'd do it again. I ended the relationship because of this.

 

My gut feeling is just that once this sort of thing happens, the relationship has irreprable damage. There's always bitterness on one side. In rare occasions are couples able to work things out.

 

I suggest you can the 'what if's' and the 'coulda woulda shoulda's' and put that energy into fixing yourself and finding someone suitable for you.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

JT,

 

I empathize with your situation, as my exgf and I (she dumped me) are just starting over as well, and I have the same questions as you. We had a 5 year relationship and had broken up for 2.5 months. Right now she only wants to see each other once per week and we have only brief phone calls. Like you, I feel that we have already dated and after 5 years, we should be able to resume our relationship fairly readily and attack the problem areas together. I feel that we should be able to see each other more frequently than once per week, if only just for a short visit. While mentally I know things will not be the same, in my heart I know that is what I long for.

 

However, as I step back, I realize that I cannot let my emotions get the best of me. I knew this was going to be difficult, and things were not going to be like our time pre-break-up, at least not immediately. I know that I have unresolved feelings (sadness, anger etc.) that the mere site of the exgf brings to the surface. So, I am using the time between our dates to make sure I deal with these in a healthy way and to make sure that they do not interfere with the time that I have with the exgf (she is probably dealing with the same thing). From what I have read in relationship books, this "reconciliation" requires the ultimate patience, we need to replace the bad memories of the break-up with new good memories. This will happen gradually.

 

Only you can answer the question "is it worth it?" and you should answer this early in the process. If you answer "yes" to this question, then you need to prepare yourself for the emotional rollercoaster that will follow. You will need to hold the course, even when things look doubtful. You need to remain positive, patient, and emotionally intelligent to make this work. While this does not guarantee success, this will help to avoid sure failure and rash action. BTW - you should also make sure that your ex is aware of the difficult "reconciliation" process and is up for the challenge - to make sure that he doent run when the going gets tough.

 

You and I need to continue with improving ourselves, as if we are still broken-up. This will ensure that we do not fall into old relationship patterns, and become to needy with our exs. Just know that you are not alone in your questions, and doubts. If you believe in your relationship, then stay strong.

[zpivat]

Personally, I think it's worth it when you have him back, even when you'll have to take it slowly. Other people are hoping like crazy to get their exes back but may never will or they'll have to wait for so long. You're so blessed that you got him back; it's like you're being given a second chance, so I think you should use it wisely. Afterall, it's better to have him back and move slowly, rather than not have him back at all and keep wondering forever whether or not he'll come back, right?

 

Good luck and take care.

[skynet74]

I went through this same thing. My Girlfriend of 10 years broke up with me in January. We had lived together almost the entire time. Then in March we got back together, but she continued living with her friend that she moved in with after we initially broke up. It was fine at first. I was just happy to have her back in my life. I would spend some nights over there and she would spend some nights at my house.

 

However after about 4 or 5 weeks of this I started to get very anxious. I started asking myself why we had to go backwards. We were together for 10 years and now I have to suddenly act like it's 1994 again when we first started dating. It was really weird. But she wanted to take it slow and I really tried my hardest to understand. But after a while it just got to much for me. I ended up nagging and pressuring her to move back in with me. The day she agreed to move back in with me she ended up coming here and telling me that she couldn't do this. It's not going to work out. So for the second time in one year she broke up with me and we haven't barely seen each other since.

 

So be very careful....... Your boyfriend still feels he needs his space right now. He is still not completely certain about being back with you. As my Ex-girlfriend told me....... If she had been 100 percent sure weather or not she wanted to be with me again, then obviously she would of moved back in a long time ago".

 

So as much as it hurts, that is where your boyfriend is at right now. Take it very slow and don't make my same mistake. Act like it doesn't matter to you weather you move back in together or not right now. Let him make the move. When he feels comfortable enough in the relationship again then you'll know it. Just don't blow it by getting anxious like I did.

 

 

 

John

[d346]

yeah, I hear you. And I am being patient. I am not flying off the handle. I don't want to be needy. Because I dont' NEED him.

 

last night I was kind of quiet on the phone because I realized after my weekend trip, he wasn't going to initiate seeing one another (it was around 9pm). He asked if anything was wrong, that I didn't seem myself, and I said no.

 

I guess I can be patient. But don't I owe it to myself to be with someone who always wants to be with me? Perhaps that's what I'm hung up on. My pride. I guess maybe it's petty, but sometimes I feel like I"m always initiating. Then again he is the type who doesn't make plans -kind of flies by the seat of his pants, so he would never make specific plans to meet up/stay over until the moment of. thereforeeee I always feel I'm doing the intiating. Since I like to make "plans" for my evening -in fact, I like to make plans for my week!

 

It's just frustrating. Believe it or not, living together was so much easier. Well for me, anyway. He's the one who went through the quarterlife crisis...

[skynet74]

Quaterlife crisis? lol . My girl is going through her Midlife one. She's 31 but obviously she hit it early. Ever since, she has been going out clubbing, wearing suggestive clothing, meeting new guys. Acting like she's Pam Anderson or something. She'll get through this. Don't know how long it will take. But I know she will eventually come back down to Earth. Then she will be calling me.

 

 

 

John

[DopeStar]

Skynet74,

 

Would you really take her back after all that? I couldn't do it, my ex did the same thing, she went out and got all crazy and did all the single things I guess she needed to do and now she hates it from what I hear(I don't talk to her). Just knowing that she been with other people after me, I couldn't take her back, thats not fair to me for her to go have her fun and then think she can just come back. I will never take her back, well maybe not never but it will be a few years so I can forget things and only then it would have to happen by a chance meeting somewhere.

 

Not that I'm mad shes out being single, that's not the issue, she tormented my life to get what she wants and now after all that selfishness to get her way again and have me back, I don't think so. It's my life, I will not give to someone who is just going to abuse it.

 

As far as the topic goes, No I don't think it's worth it in my situation but maybe if both parties realized it was a mistake and didn't do anything to damaging from break up to make up, there might be a chance, it's just not one I would take.

[skynet74]

Well right now I'm still feeling a little weak and vulnerable. We just split up in May, so I've only had two months out of the relationship. Wounds are still very fresh and recent. At this point I would probably try to forgive just to get some normalcy back in my life. However the more time that goes by, the less I think I'll want to get involved with her again.

 

I have an Ex from way back who hurt me in a similar way. She ended up wanting me back and I pretty much had to laugh in her face. A few years apart and a new woman who cared about me made a world of difference. But right now I'm still holding onto some hope that this is only a temporary phase. We'll see what happens.

 

 

John

[DopeStar]

Good luck to you but I would move on.

 

It has only been two months or so for myself but I just bottom lined the situation and started over. Life is good now.

[k33]

My husband and I are separated. I hope we can get back together at some point. I am giving him space and taking some for myself. I read DopeStar's post about space, hit the nail on the head, I can't believe you are only 23! I wish I had that wisdom then.

 

I don't know if it will work out in the end. I am sort of hopeful that we can get past this, and start over. It won't be the same and in my book that is a good thing. We wouldn't have separated if everything was good, ya know? I want us to figure out what we really want and stop getting caught up in the meaningless bs.

 

I'll keep ya guys posted.

[Satch]

I, and a whole lot of people here would give their eye-teeth to get back with their ex's. My ex left me because she did not love me anymoe, but did not know why. I feel she is confused, and if she untangles that confusion one day, may realise that she still does love me. I can only hope.

 

If you get the chance, give it a go. You are in a unique situation. Just don't let go of something you love too easily. You are much better to give it a go, and then decide later if it is not right. It is almost impossible to do it the other way around....

[Kittengirl]

My situation was a little different, my Ex wanted to go with someone else, and he did.I could never go back not now.It transpires that there was more than one girl involved. After 5 years together I could never imagine being unfaithful. I think it is unforgivable. The trust and respect have gone and although after almost 4 months he still thinks we should get back together even tho he is still seeing the woman that helped to split us up.Pleeeeeeze!!! Who does he think he is! I have a great BF now who is everything I could wish for so looking back the EX did me a huge favour! If you split just because things were going badly then with alot of time and talking I think it is possible to reconsile but if someone else is involved I don't think it is likely to work out.You are always wondering if they are telling the truth and relationships should be based on friendship and honesty otherwise what is the point?

[hunterboyhun]

hey,

my ex (still have a hard time writing those two letters) and i split about 1 month ago today. There's been occasional contact since, a text here an email there, even a phone call last night (which gave me an ok sense of closure) but essentially its a quarter life crisis for her. So she's being wild and all.

 

Anyway when we first split up i went through the standard paranoia of 'is there another guy'. I asked her about it on 3-4 separate occasions and she denied every time. After a while I believed her and settled down to wait for an indefinite period of NC.

 

Hmm well 2 days ago i stumbled accross a link on my computer (which she used to use) to an online post log type thing (its public). I went there and read what she had written, just wanting to remember the way she said stuff and basically just get a sense of her again. When I read what was there i couldn't believe it. The last entry was about the week preceding our split and there was a couple of references to a guy who, based on the tone of the post, she seemed to like.

 

You can imagine i went into shock and it felt like my whole world was crashing down. I was in a very dark place. I toyed with just emailing her the entry i had read so she would know that i had read it and then see what she had to say to that. Ultimately I decided before doing that that i would talk to her on the phone and get a sense of how she felt about me now.

 

We spoke on the phone and in the conversation i asked again about the time when we split and whether she had been interested in someone else. She said something along the lines of there was someone who she looked at differently at the time but there was nothing in it. I prompted her for more details, politely not aggresively, but she would give out nothing else except to say that i would have to take her word for it that it was nothing.

 

So here's my point, i suspect she is still hanging out with the same group of new friends probably including this guy, do i believe what she has said... and even if I do (which i have pretty much made up my mind to) the thing is if we do end up back together 1) do i raise the question of what happned with you and 'that guy' that time? 2) do i wonder whether she was telling me the truth or in fact was seeing that guy up until we got back together and then how am i supposed to feel about her then? it's not like she wasn't with other guys before she met me anyway. and 3) in the new relationship with her how do you keep from questioning her honesty in your own mind... what becomes of the trust we both used to take for granted in our relationship the first time round?

 

 

I hope this is on topic. I miss her horribly as i have read so many of us here do, and I would love to be back with her, but are things too different after coming back? Can they be as strong as they were or stronger? hmm

 

wish i knew.

 

bye.

[leftalone]

Hi D346 -

 

I am in a very similar boat with you as of your last post to this forum. My ex and I have been working our way slowly back together for the last month (two weeks of which he was away on vacation for, though). This week so far, though, we went out on a lovely date on Monday and I stayed over - it was just like the old days, and he actually suggested the idea of going to what was our favorite nice resturant, getting ice cream afterwards, etc. Totally romantic. Since then, though, I heard nothing from him - so I called him last night and we agreed to have a date on Friday.

 

I know from his roommate and from the ex himself that he still has a link removed profile up (althoug he said he hasn't checked it in forever, had gone on one terrible date a while back and decided it was worthless and lame). And, aside from that, we still haven't addressed if this is us working towards officially sealing the deal and becoming a full-fledged couple again, or if this is just him being single and "dating" me (which I already refused to do back in May, and subsequently did NC wtih him for almost a month). Having already told him that he can't just try me on for size and be casually dating me, and actively pursuing other prospects, is it likely that that's what he's doing all over again?

 

I'm so afraid to bring the topic of 'us' up, because in the past it just freaks him out, makes him feel pressured. His roommate (my friend) keeps saying that I better get it straight loud and clear that we are working with the intent of getting back together. then i have other friends though who tell me "don't pressure him and push him away, let him just keep spending time with you and come around".

 

So I'm torn. I, like you, feel as though we should be picking up where we left off, seeing each other like a serious couple (talking and seeing each other every day), not just a few times a week and most of those dates initiated by me...still have that nagging feeling constantly that he is just not pursuing me, he's just sitting back and enjoying the ride and getting to have his cake and eat it, too....HELP!!!!! Limbo is awful...

[danimal77]

Friends,

 

If you love your ex and they want to come back, put your pride aside and do what your heart tells you to do. Just respect yourself while in the relationship and give your partner respect as well. If they walk all over you in the process, than you know that it was a bad mistake to get back together.

 

Learn to control your doubts and your impatience and wanting it to be just perfect and back to "normal". People grow and memories are memories. Create new ones with your partner, if you can and build upon that.

 

I'm having my first date with my ex tonight and it's been 2 months. Wish me good luck.

 

Thanks,

 

Dan

[d346]

I guess it's just hard. Even if it's an ideal situation. Mine is pretty good in the fact that we're exclusive. But it bothers me that he would rather sit brain-dead on his couch watching movies on a weeknight, than coming over spend time with me. We all deserve our space, but it's just a hard adjustment after you've lived together. How long does he need to do this? Forever? If he bailed on living together, what will inspire him to ever propose? How will things ever advance? It's just frustrating.

 

hmm. I'm in a weird stage...he loves me, is exclusively dating me, but I sense he still fears the ultimate committment. How long do I wait this out?!!!

[kekep]

it sounds like he will come around, it just takes time. believe me, it hurts to know that my boyfriend has been spending time with his friend down the street watching movies and playing games like a 10 year old. but that is what he is doing to keep himself busy. guys are different when it comes to girls about dealing with this kind of stuff. seriously, i doubt my man has even sat down and thought about what he is truly losing by letting me go, but perhaps he has and that's why it was easy for him to say goodbye. it just sucks, regardless. it's good to hear, though, that your break-up was about being afraid of commitment, because guys usually get over that kind of stuff and realize you are worth it.