Am i being unreasonable?

[miie]

I would like to know if i am being unreasonable here. my bf thinks i am.

 

I see him once a week on the weekend due to the fact he is busy with work/college. One day of the weekend he has that day to himself to do his own thing (he'll go for a drive, play sport, go out to lunch - by himself. im never invited) The other day of the weekend he studies. So i get the night of a friday or saturday.

 

He told me that i give him a hard time about it all and get angry. He said that even that i say i understand he has study etc to do, that i dont actually get it. I do get it, i do get that he has to study etc, but i do get annoyed by the fact im given barely 5 hours to see him and he expects me to be ok with it.

 

He never goes out of his way to make plans. we end up just sitting on his bed watching tv because he doesn't want to go out. I made a suggestion an evening of the weekend and he said he had to study and had stuff to do but hopefully he will see me. He briefly said what study he had to do and like usual he has left it to the very last day before its due. So i told him that he should just concentrate on that this weekend and i'll do something else then when i said that he got all angry and said i was being unreasonable and selfish and that i should know he has to study. I said it because im getting a bit fed up of spending my entire weekend waiting around to see if we are doing anything and then we dont. He never even offers a different day to do something. If i ask and he can't, thats fine but he never says 'how about next saturday'. .

 

I dont really know how to handle it. He thinks im being unreasonable and that even tho i say i understand he has study, he thinks i dont. He NEVER seems to believe me when i say something. He wont seem to see it from my point of view either.

[Snny]

I see him once a week on the weekend due to the fact he is busy with work/college. One day of the weekend he has that day to himself to do his own thing (he'll go for a drive, play sport, go out to lunch - by himself. im never invited) The other day of the weekend he studies. So i get the night of a friday or saturday.

 

He told me that i give him a hard time about it all and get angry. He said that even that i say i understand he has study etc to do, that i dont actually get it. I do get it, i do get that he has to study etc, but i do get annoyed by the fact im given barely 5 hours to see him and he expects me to be ok with it.

He isn't setting time aside. Work and school are stressful. But if his priorities are not with you. If you are unhappy with being in a "relationship" with a man whom you only get to see for 5 hours a week, then it's time to look elsewhere. School is important, but if he cannot manage time with a date then he really shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.

 

Both of you have a reason to be upset with each other. However, based on this factor alone I strongly doubt this is going to work out. I'm sorry

 

He never goes out of his way to make plans.

And that is because he is so busy that his focus isn't making plans with you.

 

So i told him that he should just concentrate on that this weekend and i'll do something else then when i said that he got all angry and said i was being unreasonable and selfish and that i should know he has to study.

Why the hell didn't he tell you that he had stuff to do and invited you over? He's wasting YOUR time when he does this. How dare he call you being "selfish" when he can't manage time with you better? Relationships have needs and they are difficult to balance when you're working and going to school full-time. This is a guy who clearly can't manage his time better and this is a major deal breaker to many people. I wouldn't put up only seeing a guy for 5 hours a week.

[geekgirl4]

Bleh, sounds like he doesn't think you're worth the effort. He is definitely definitely not changing. If you want more in this relationship, then I think you should look somewhere else because he doesn't want to give it to you. You shouldn't be waiting on him all the time like this - it's incredibly disrespectful.

[Day_Walker]

Is your bf in graduate school, or doing post-doctoral work? It would seem that he is spending an awful amount of time studying and for him to only spare 5 hours a weeks seems unreasonable to me. I dont think you are being unreasonable. I think that you need to consider the fact that you need to be less available to hang out to fit his needs instead you need to make plans and if those plans dont line up with this then something else has to be worked out with his schedule.

[ToF]

I said it because im getting a bit fed up of spending my entire weekend waiting around to see if we are doing anything and then we dont

 

Why wait for him? You know by now what his pattern is, so just make plans for the weekend and if he wants to see you, he will tell you. Then you can decide if you want to.

[miie]

It does feel that he doesn't think im worth making an effort, or that im not important enough. he thinks im over reacting when i say this. He is studying an area that is hard and takes years to complete, but its not a phd!

 

One saturday he spent the entire day out, told me to come over at 8pm. I was running late and got there at 8.10. He JUST arrived home afte rbeing out all day and then when im there sits there being anxious because he has all this study to do.

 

I've tried being less available. If i make plans he sulks and acts like i dont want to see him. If i back off, it doesn't make him 'chase' more either. Instead he thinks im being distant and quiet. I know i shouldn't wait for him. Its hard. Every time i say that to myself, but then i always give in when he asks and gives me like an hour notice. Yet i asked him to do something 3 days from now and he complained i gave him no notice. i do understand why he is busy. I dont think i would mind as much if he tried. If he put effort in to seeing me and making plans. If he is busy on the weekend fine, but he wont even make effort to go out to dinner during the week after work. its not that hard.

[ToF]

I know i shouldn't wait for him. Its hard.

 

Well, you know what you need to do. I know it's hard, but what else can you really do about it?

 

He's got ALL the control here. All of it. So take some of it back, or leave. Or keep letting him walk all over you...

[sweetooth]

I am pretty much in your boyfriend's shoes, however I try to make time for my SO and if I make plans, I KEEP them. I also make sure we are doing something active and fun or else it will get old fast.

 

I see my SO once a week but sometimes I try to also do something simple during the weekday if I don't have exams. This, like you mentioned, could include dinner out, or even having a movie/game night. If he's not making the effort...then I agree in being less available and doing your own thing or find someone else who is willing to make the effort.

[TheSimi]

Girl, I know it hurts, but as Maya Angelou said, "If someone shows you who thy are, believe them".

He is showing you that when it comes to going out and spending quality time, you're not his choice.

I know how bad it hurts, because it's the reason why I'm in this forum : because I had to break up with someone who didn't appreciate me minimality and I feel stupid because it took me way too long to realize it.

 

You're being unreasonable. Trust us !

[melrich]

Well I guess he could love you, he just loves playing sport, driving and lunching by himself more.

 

You are convenient. When you are not he gets angry. One day in a few years you are going to look back and wonder why you wasted such a fun time of your life. Or you could end it now and save yourself that wasteage.

[catfeeder]

You can challenge him on reasonableness, but that doesn't buy you any change in what he wants.

 

He's demonstrating his limits, and you get to decide whether those are worth sticking around for, or not. If you fight him on this, he's likely at some point to decide 'not' for you.