boyfriend was on eharmony again. :(

[agualibre777]

been with my guy now for almost 5 months. about a month and a half ago, my insecurities cropped up and i told him about them. we had some pretty serious conversation about different aspects of commitment, he wanted me to be comfortable with him going out with drinks with women friends, and I wasn't. We almost broke up. We moved passed it, made some good agreements about boundaries and things were fabulous.

once he read my email when i left it open, he told me, i was fine with it, so then when he left his open, i looked in it. i knew he still had his eharmony account- he'd told me he just hadn't closed it yet, but wasn't active or anything. i trusted this, but anyways decided to just look and see if he really wasn't. i searched for eharmony emails and found that at the beginning of september he was exchanging emails with a woman and so i asked him about it.

he freaked out, shaking and trembling, when i asked him if i could look at the email. it essentially was him telling her about himself. and i said i considered that cheating. he told me that it was when we were about to break up, he freaked out and just did was he always did as a single person and wrote her. there was no suggestion to get together and he never met her or exchange phone numbers and there was an email he sent her three days after writing her to say he wasn't interested.

but still... it kind of tore me up to read that, especially since i have some trust issues anyways.

he cried and said he'd do anything to regain my trust, let me read his email and phone and i said i didn't want to live like that. right now, we are still together and trying to work out trust.

i am a bit uneasy now, though. i love him a lot, and everyone comments on how great we are together. how do i move past this?? what do i do to trust him again? what to i do to curb my anxiety/urge to check his email again?

[sidehop]

All this time he hasn't closed his account after meeting you? I could understand if you guys just met and been just couple weeks. The other thing is him going on eHarmony supposedly right after the near breakup. It just shows his level of commitment if there's a problem in a relationship. His excuse is bad as another member's b/f who had a business card from a strip club...people don't just hang onto things or keep things open without a reason. Sounds like a very lame excuse.

 

Can you truly trust him again? From how you described him someone has serious commitment issues.

[IBS]

After my daughter went through the same thing and engaged, she threw him right out!

 

She waited quite a while to find someone to trust. Again, the man was writing to a girl.

 

He just got thrown out too. They are just not the right men and consider it another learning experience. I feel most likely without the internet, this would never have happened, but this is the way it works now.

[annie24]

he wanted me to be comfortable with him going out with drinks with women friends, and I wasn't.

 

that makes me wonder if he was planning on meeting some of the eharmony dates in person.....

 

does he frequently go out for drinks with his female friends?

[RedDress]

I'm going to ignore the idea that he was cheating or ready to cheat for just a second (even though I agree the whole thing is shady).

 

Trust is a decision. You either DECIDE to trust someone or you don't. Either you will be proven right to have trusted them or wrong. I really don't think there's an in-between when it comes to trust. That's just torture. And it won't actually save you anything... and it will actually further hurt your relationship. It's just a world of hurt. You are better to just DECIDE.

 

So - now that THAT has been said... you need to decide if choosing to trust him is a good idea. It may or may not be. But that is the SAME decision as whether or not you want to continue the relationship. Because you can't have a relationship without trust.

[RebekaLitle]

I have real sympathy for you. I met my boyfriend online and after I moved in with him found he was still talking to his ex! and the rest! I had to be kind of understanding seeing it was virtual and she clearly wasn't interested in him.

Furthermore I found out his porn fetish is bodybuilding females! I've gone beyond freaking now. My mum keeps insisting that its because he's "just a man" . Personally I don't think its a justifiable excuse.

I agree with that about TRUST , you do or you don't. But you do sound like you like him an a lot and you sound like a considerate person. So if he's crying , don't pity his guilt trips. If you're not married and you don't have kids yet then its no loss there and you can get back on e harmony yourself

[oldenoughtoknow]

Can you confirm that the dates of the emails where when you were about to break up? If the dates where during good times in your relationship, he's a scumbag and you should dump him. If the dates where during the time you were on the verge of breaking up, well, it's not good, but I don't think it's nearly as bad. He may well be dealing with his own trust issues. He may be dealing with low self esteem and/or abandonment issues. There may be issues from his past that make him freak out, panic and do stupid things when he's facing a break up. I'm not saying any of this is a good thing. But as long as he's willing to recognize and deal with these issues, I wouldn't necessarily consider this a deal breaker. Judging from his reaction, it sounds lie he'd be willing. It sounds like you've already successfully had a serious conversation surrounding your issues. Now, it's time to have the same conversation surrounding his.

[geekgirl4]

Richpart brings up a good point. It's up to you. If you do decide to stay with him, you should still be wary. I still find it odd that he resorts to his single life the second things look bad. You have a long and tough road ahead of you if you want to stay with him. You need to be 100% sure that he is worth it.

[agualibre777]

well, we had a long conversation today about stuff. essentially, he is very sorry about what happened and recognizes it was a stupid thing to do. it was during our rough patch and essentially he thought we were breaking up and it was his way of creating distance between us to help him break up with me. we were having a difficult time, to give him credit.

we talked at length about what caused him to do what he did. i was very insecure at the time and had a hard time explaining to him why, he felt he was losing his freedom to the relationship, and was freaking out. thus, thinking this meant the end of our relationship, he wanted to break up. he hasn't ever had a relationship in which there were any issues. i'm essentially his second *real* girlfriend and with his ex they never argued until the day he broke up with her. they just never went very deep into stuff or had any conflict.

he also admitted he has been intimidated by my confidence because i've had more relationships and know what i want. he isn't as sure about himself and so far i've been right about most things we had serious discussions about. and so he had a hard time explaining to me his feelings or asking for his own needs to be met. he agreed that he'd talk to me more.

he also expresses a great deal of commitment to do anything to create security in our relationship.

it was a hard conversation, but very emotionally honest.

[spandora]

See my recent thread. I found out my bf was flirting w/another woman over IM. It was over a year ago, but still...I can't trust him. He still chats wiht this woman occasionally.

 

No one I've ever had a serious relationship with, has not cheated. NO ONE. and/or flirted over IMs.

 

I'm seriously ready to give up on men in general.

 

After my daughter went through the same thing and engaged, she threw him right out!

 

She waited quite a while to find someone to trust. Again, the man was writing to a girl.

 

He just got thrown out too. They are just not the right men and consider it another learning experience. I feel most likely without the internet, this would never have happened, but this is the way it works now.

[spandora]

OMG, this just sounds like the exact same kind of pacifying gobbledygook I have heard from my bf, again and again.

 

I had asked him to not talk to an exgf who was still after him...after I found out they were still IM'ing each other, and that he drunk dialed her a couple of times, he gave every lame excuse in the book as to why he had done it, always pointing the finger at me.

 

I'm sorry, but whatever lame thing my bf has ever done to me, it did NOT make me turn around and go flirt with someone else, or go try to find another guy, or cheat. That's because I have ethics and obviously, the slimeballs I've been with, have NOT. And neither does your guy. Hate to say it but I think you need to face it. It's disrespectful to go trolling eharmony until AFTER you guys were officially broken up.

[ImGrowing]

My ex cried, apologized, begged, every time he messed up. In the end, when he felt secure enough to move on (when more females were attracted to him), he left me. I say... take some time apart. Make him realize his mistake. If you take him back easily, he will not learn from it. Let him realize what it feels like to be without you. If he moves on easily, then he really wasn't that committed to you in the first place.

[spandora]

Unfortunately, we can't put the genie back in the bottle.

 

I don't know how to handle these problems cuz my bf has been busted enough times IM'ing an exgf after I asked him not to...I snooped on some IMs he exchanged w/ a female friend that were very flirty...I dunno. I think open transparency is the only solution but if someone's gonna cheat, they'll do it whether they are online or not.

 

After my daughter went through the same thing and engaged, she threw him right out!

 

She waited quite a while to find someone to trust. Again, the man was writing to a girl.

 

He just got thrown out too. They are just not the right men and consider it another learning experience. I feel most likely without the internet, this would never have happened, but this is the way it works now.

[annie24]

^^ if he keeps doing something after you've told him it bugs you, you should dump him.