My ex-fiance is breaking my heart, she says its over forever

[toonice]

Me and my ex, have had a rough time of things almost since we got together a year ago. to give you some insight, she is 24, I am 30,we both have children, hers is 18 mo. mine is 4 , we moved in with each other 6 months after we started going out. Her son lived with us, my daughter lives somewhere else. I have always had a problem with the father of her child, he burned her when she got pregnant, left her by herself, he would call and call her work a few months after she had the baby, but she would never answer the calls, i finally told her in Dec. that she should talk to him and see what he wanted.

 

Well I think that was my mistake,to begin with.I already thought she still had feelings for him, just the way she would bring things up about him, and the way she would bring him up a lot, I have been there, you all know, the one person that you could never really get over, anyway, they would finally meet for dinner about once a week, so he could see his son, I was kind of freaked out about it, but had to be ok with it. There was one time that she got new earrings put in her ear, he is a piercer, she went and got this done, without telling me , I found out later from her friends and it hurt, because she didnt have her son that night, and she was mad at me, so my mind just wandered.

 

During our relationship , she always really made me fell insecure and incompetant, wether it was about financial status, my job, the way I did things etc. she is a very sarcastic person though, but sometimes she was just plain old mean. Anyway, one night last week, I met her at her work with her son i had just picked up from daycare, she told me they were goingto go do something for a little bit, I went home, i called her an hour later and she out eating, but it sounded like someone was there with her. Once again my mind wandered, i raced to the restraunt, and low and behold I saw him ( the Ex) getting into the car with her and her son. I followed her to his tattoo shop, wher he works. My friend pulled up and gave me his cell phone, i called her and told she was caught. She didnt know what i was talking about, but then i told her exactly what I felt ,she said she was trying to avoid conflict, because she knew i would be mad. Well I had never met the guy before, so i decided now was the time, Me and my friend went inside and we talked him outside , there I asked him, what exactly was going on, becuase i didnt know what he woudl tell me, just to let you know, he had given her a card for her birhtday with x's and o's in it and also gave her a CD, I just thought it was kind of weird. Anyway, he tells me its all about his son, thats it, he said he asked her if she really wante dto get married, she said yeah , and he said that it seemed like me and her needed to talk. I could only think, that he wasn't really telling me everything.

 

Next I went home, where she was, i thought she would have left . I talked to her, got upset, told her what I thought was going on, The next thing i did was very wrong, but I felt like the ends justified the means. I told her that he told me they kissed, I made a strong case that I knew, becuase he woudlnt lie, i went on and on about it. She said she didnt knwo what i was talking about, all she wanted me to do was sit down next to her and get over it. But I couldn't it was eating me up, i also told her that i wouldnt be with a cheater and that i woudl want her to move out and i would pay her dad back for the wedding expenses. That night we went to sleep, i was less mad, but it still hurt. The next day I was a little better, but then she came home upset, becuase she had talked to her ex and she found out I made the kissing thing up, I still dont know why she didnt get upset that night instead of after she talked to him, kind of odd. Anyway, the next night she left me a note, saying she was going to her mom's house to stay until i figured out what i wanted. I called

her that night and she said "it just wasn't going to work" she said i was too insecure and too weak, that really hurt. I did nothing but give in this relationship, she always wanted more, no matter how hard I tried, but she wouldn't even meet me half way , I guess my weakness was that I loved her so much i thought it was too good to be true. I still feel like she should give me a chance, but , I feel so stupid even saying that, becuase i feel like we were both wrong on this one.

 

It has been about a week, and I tried giving her flowers, wrote her a song, called, etc. but nothing, no response, i even calle dher parent's, they didnt even call back. i saw her last night, and she didnt say a word, just passed right by me. I feel like there must have been a reason bedires what happened that night for her to be so sure to end it all, I mean ther were kids involved, we were goingto get married in june, etc. but she won't even speak to me, she still hasn't got her stuff, but she said "she is not coming back". I feel like maybe she wants to patch things up with her ex, maybe thats why she is so over it and acts like all of this is not even hard for her. Please help me understand what it is I might be able to do, I mean I feel that in her head it's over, but why would she do that to someone that really cared about her, to not even give me a chance, when she gave the father of her child nothing but chances. Should i still keep trying??? Please,I am really stressed out about this, any advice would really help, do you think she was misleading me about her and her ex's relationship the whole time?

[sonja]

You are very right to feel upset at this moment. But I don't think she was misleading you the whole time. I think what you should do now is cut all contacts with her for a while and wait for her next move. Its going to be difficult. But you have tried your best by sending flowers etc. Now its her turn. If she really cares for you, she will realise soon enough, and try to get back with you. Whatever you do, don't push yourself too hard.

Hope this helps,

sonja

[jdratx]

I'm very sorry to hear about your prob., Toonice-- sounds like a real doozy of a pickle to say the least. Well, with the recent pain of repeatedly reliving, reviewing, and regretting many particular moments of the last few months of my doomed relationship still extremely fresh in my mind, I can give you my take on what you've shared.

 

What you do over the next few days or weeks might make or break your relationship, so I'd take some time to think things over carefully before acting or speaking. You need to firmly decide what you want and what is really best for YOU and your life. Do you really see her in your future?

 

Whatever's done right now is done-- take it from here with the least amount of regret possible.

 

Personally, I'd suggest breaking off contact with her and see what she does next. It sounds as though you've tried your best to communicate with her up to now with no luck. Maybe you should wait a little bit, be patient, and see what happens. If she still doesn't come around after a few weeks, perhaps you might call and "see how she's doing", although, from what you've told me, I'd have to cut my losses at this juncture.

 

You say this woman is a good deal on the sarcastic side up to the point of being downright mean to you, which, in my book, just doesn't fly. She should respect you for who you are, not put you down for anything she faults you for. Also, this business with her child's father is pretty fishy-sounding. Maybe nothing's going on, but I'd still be forced to believe what my gut has to say about it.

 

She's only 24 years old, and I believe gals still don't quite know what they want out of life, and thereforeeeeeee, sometimes get really deep into a serious relationship-- only to later realize that they want something different and change their minds, much to the detriment of some poor fellow. So, that's something I would also keep in mind when trying to figure out what's going on inside her head.

 

Whatever you decide or whatever happens, I wish ya the best of luck in life. I hope any of this was of some help to you.

 

jdratx

[toonice]

Yes, both of you have helped shed some light on the matter, it is good to here from people i don't know, becuase it proves what I thought all along, my gut feelings were right, and I just couldn't admit it to myself. I feel like I was in a very abusive relationship, she mentally tried to break me down, and I felt like i couldn't live without her, it seems pretty sick. She is suppossed to come pick up her stuff today from the apartment, I left her a note just saying , that she can at least at some point be civil about all of this, we go to the same places etc. I mean a simple hello, never hurt anyone. The only thing that really hurts is that I feel like she played me for a fool and wanted two things at once, but maybe because her Ex didnt want to have a relationship with her, she was going to settle for me, that really sucks. For her to always say I was too insecure about her and him, I feel like if she would have never given me a reason or made me feel like she truly loved me and been more passionate about things i think the problem would have been solved right away. I guess it just sucks becuase I am very intuitive, and from the get go I felt she was still not over him, but that being with me, she would learn what it feels like to really be loved and cared for. Thing is, she never let herslef really feel lthat love, she took it when she wanted it, but wasn't always open to me and never gave it back, I guess becuase she didn't know what to do, or at least that was the excuse I made for her. I just hope someone else is goign to treat her as good as i did, maybe she will be able to handle it this time. I should have thought she was messed up when one night we were out with her friends and they said " you a re a good guy, she has messed up quite a bit, if she messes this up, then she's wrong". I hope maybe someday she willknow how much I loved her, and that I truly know that she can be a good person, its in her, just not now. maybe she also has regret of havinga child , she used to party a lot, drink a lot on the weekends, I know she loves her son very much, but she still tries to go out 2- 3 times a week, she is just very confused I think.

[jdratx]

It always sucks to be on the side where you give & give, and they just take and take. That's their problem, though. Sounds like you are a real good guy-- she doesn't deserve you and never did.

 

Your special gal is out there waiting for you somewhere. Time to go find her and show HER you're the stuff all of her dreams were made of. Getting over the one who just played ya is gonna be rough and will take some time. There are plenty more women out there, friend. Why settle for someone like this when you can have the girl of YOUR dreams, right!

 

Tell yourself whatever it is you need to, as it'll help ya get by. Do whatever it is that makes YOU happy. Get out and have some fun. I'm speaking from a bit of experience on that one. Try not to think about it so much and just move on with your life. Easier said than done, but that's what ya gotta do.

 

Get your social calendar as booked as possible with all of your closest friends. Let 'em in to what ails ya-- a good support base will get you further along on your way to recovery and back on track to good mental health.

 

Wishing you all the best, and me too, on our respective journeys back to happiness. Take care Toonice!

 

Peace,

Daniel

[toonice]

HEllo, I posted about my ex fiance a few days ago, about how she had broken up with me and put the blame all on me, when she was not a very caring person to begin with. there were issues with her childs father that she said i was insecure about, but she did see him behind my back a few times, and I caught her, she still thinks she did nothing wrong. Well I had a gut feeling she just wasn't over him, I really loved her and took her and her child in with open arms, she just never gave back, and was very sarcastic at times, to the point of being mean and trying to break me down.

Well since she left and told me it was over, I have made attempts to talk with her, gave her flowers etc. but she is acting very unfair and it seems like she hates me or something. I thought we coudl work things out, I mean we were going to get married, ther were kids involved, she has an 18 mo. and I have a 4y.o. that lives somewhere else, but she is only 24, I am 30, I think maybe she realizes she was too young for all of this, i really don't know. But yesterday she came over to pick upi her stuff and brought her childs father with her to help her, when I wasn't there, once again, she decieved me, becuase she knew I wouldn't like that, i told her I would help her, I think she is making this out to be all my fault, and it hurts.

 

What I did next was got a new lock put on my door, and she will have to wait until I am there to pick up her stuff. I just don't want to seem like a crazy person, I guess she just hurt me really bad, and I feel used and abused, I don't know why she is so hard for me to get over when I knew from the get go that she was kinda lost. Anyway, i was going to send her parents a note thnaking them for being there for me even when she wasn't, and I have thought of other things, but what steps should i really take to save myself from looking desperate or "weak" as she puts it, she has a tendency to like guys that don't wear thier heart on thier sleeve, and I guess that just isn't me, when I really care about someone I show it, sometimes I guess I just show it too much and it turns girls off, i get a little insecure and think things are going to be doomed, but this one gave me real reason to think that, shewasnever over her ex completely, maybe i just knew that becuase i have been there before. Anyway I don't know if we will ever get back together, or if there will ever be another chance, but how do I at least maybe show her that i am strong and that I am the better person in all of this?

[owlman]

Does anyone else hear "I will survive" singing in their heads? "I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key!"

 

Given what you've said about her, I don't think you should try to put on a front for this woman. She knows you, and doesn't seem to respect the person you are. I say too bad for her, be yourself, proudly.

[juno]

I think u have an advantage among other men. You can express your feelings and that a real amazing thing to have. yeah I know women look for the man who is tough and coky. but don't u want something real in your life man?. There are women out there looking for men who are not affraid of their own feelings. keep your chin up. And look ahead. (very simple to say, terribly hard to do. Im myself still strugling to get over a woman) Good luck!

[Celeste]

First.......do not contact her parents. I have had ex's do this with the very best of intentions, but it has always served to annoy me. My mother still brings it up years later about how "poor Ty" or "poor Jared' called her to thank her for her kindness (seeing as my mother is a lunatic....this was even more annoying). I know you see it as the mature and respectful thing to do, and it is, but the end result is less favourable. If you feel you must say something, try appearing somewhere you know they will be and let it appear to ahve been natural or coincidence.

Secondly, she sounds like a very confused young lady and you have every right to feel betrayed, naive and hurt. I had adored a man for years, and when I was twenty-four he came to visit, planted a wonderful kiss on my lips and proceeded to break with his girlfriend of five years. I panicked, and ran away and our friendship has never recovered. I was not ready for a real man at that point, and your ex, having a young child, a mature boyfriend (you), may have felt the same......it was all too adult for her.

Yes, many women do love a good chase. It's the ones who hide their feelings who make us crazy, but crazy is not love. It takes time to realize that, and also to become bored with self destructive behaviour. Let her go. Try and find a woman who has it a little more together. This doesn't necessarily mean older, but more focussed. Good luck to you.

[toonice]

You have all been so helpful, Celeste, you really opened my eyes, when you said 'it's the ones that hide thier feelings that make us crazy , but crazy isn't love." It makes so much sense to me, I guess it is something I kinda knew all along, but I really thought she was tired of her previous behavior, I guess once she started talking to him ( her childs father) again, she reverted to those old feelings and comfort of something chaotic. I will never understand the chase, but I deal with it all the time, when i really love someone, it seems like I bore them or I worry too much about things, i don't just go with things, as she used to say, I guess I analyze everything little thing, until it seems to drive them away, or to get annoyed or smothered. I really thought this was something seh wanted, I mean the father left her when she was pregnant, so I thouht she would really be over him, but she even told me she still slept with him even after that, until she met me. I know I just need to let it go, and I will, its just hard to do that , when you know she is never going to be in your life again, and it felt so good when she was, well sometimes. She was really confused, but tried to always hold it all together, until it came to her ex, then she just kinda lost it,I think maybe there was some security in her chasing him. I know she never wanted to grow up, she would even tell me, how old she felt and she is just 24, but she has gone through so much. I also think that when she got away from me, she realized that she was 24 and that she still wanted to play around, I think the idea of marriage was nice, and she was probably going to do it, but not for the right reason, then I would have really been screwed over. I just hope that maybe she will come to her senses, but I said that before about the one other girl I loved this much, and we never got back together. She took me a long time to get over, just like I know this one will, esp. becuase we both had children and we were like a family when we were all together, she even wanted her son to start calling me daddy. I just have to look the other way, it is just a rough time right now, always wondereing where she is, what she is doing, who she is with, whats going to happen to her and me. I was hoping that she would maybe come over sometime down the line and see how I was doing, but i don't even know if she could ever do that, just to go from so serious to so cold, really confuses me. thast why I don't think she has dealt with really what has happened, she dealt with it by having her ex to fall back on, but that too is doomed, she just doesnt realize it or doesnt care. i think she just wants to play around again, is what I really think, I hope she doesnt look at this as a bad chapter in her life, but I hope she can eventually respect what we had.

[starblubber]

dude, the EXACT same thing just happened to me 2 months ago. everything you wrote sounds like you could be talking about me and my ex. i'm 26 and me and my ex dated for almost a year and we lived together for 7 months. she has a baby thats a year and a half old now and i loved that kid like she was my own and i was there for majority of her life and i was liek a dad to thet kid. Her ex the babys dad wasn't there once for either of them, he didn't even want to be part of his babys life and then I find out she was cheating on me with him for the past 2 months we were dating. it confuses the hell out of me cause she use to say how much she hated this guy and how i was everything she wanted for her daughter and he wasn't. i was an awesome guy to her and her baby and this other guy is scum who i have no respect for. you know how she broke up with me also? in an email. nice eh. then after we break up she's like i love you, i'm just confused, i want to get back together with you but i don't know if we will or when we will, i just need time and space by myself. so i sit there for a week not knowing whats going on all confused cause i'm thinking either you want to be with me or you don't. so a week after breaking up i'm sitting there with a broken heart in limbo land hoping for the best and then i find out she's back with her ex and she was cheating on me for 2 months. i still don't understand what was going on in her mind or why she just couldn't have been honest and said her feelings changed or soemthing, it still would have hurt but at least we could have stayed friends. i just don't understand why people think it's better to be a bitch or an asshole to someone when they break up instead of just being honest about there feelings.

 

it's been 2 months know since the breakup and i've come along way where i have my good days but i still have my rough days where i miss her and her baby and start to feel pretty depressed but then i think about what kind of person she is and who she really is and it helps put things in perspective cause i ask myself do i really want to be with someone like that? yah i loved her with all her heart but she's not the person i thought she was. i dond't even really miss her very much anymore, but i miss that kid so much more than anything. i'm sure your asking yourself tons of why questions but sometimes there are no answers. i think the best thing you can do is forget this girl and try to move on, i know it's hard and easier said than done but don't even have the mindset that maybe someday you guys will get back together again cause you can do 100 times better than someone who treated you like that. don't call her, don't email her, don't talk to her parents, just cut all contact right now. trust me man it's the best thing you can do unless you want to keep torturing yourself. the sooner you cut all contact the sooner you can start to move on with your life and the sooner these feelings will go away.

 

girls like that are just f*cked and don't care about nobody but themselves. she's selfish. you'll find somebody who actually cares about you and will treat you right.

[toonice]

Yeah she was a very hard person to live with, she made it hard for me to just stay in love with her. I always had a gut feeling that something just wasn't right, I mean I have to admit I have cheated before, I think we all have, but you don't expect it from a person you plan on marrying. I guess I am still assuming and I have no hard facts, but I know something was going on, from what has happened in the last few days, I mean her coming to the apartment with him to get her stuff, me catching her sneaking to dinner with him ( how all of this stuff started), her making me feel like it was all in my head. There are just too many clues that something was/is happening. I knowshe will learn someday, or she may not, some people never learn. But you are alll right, I deserve better, i put all of her stuff out in the hallway last night, I mean its a closed hallway ( so no one can take her stuff) but still it was a step in getting over her. The only thing that sucks is that we both go to the same places on mon and fri. nights, and I don't wanna stop going there.

 

I know there are going to be times when I want to talk to her and just get back those old feelings, but I have to think about how she really messed me over, and she is not ready for someone like me. I actually went out last night and there were two girls that talked to me, its just that they weren't her. I just want her to pick up her stuff and get out of my life, i wish I never had to see her again, cause I know it is going to be hard when i do.

[toonice]

Well i don't know how many of you have read the stories the last week I have been posting about my ex fiance and how she left me, because she thought I was too insecure and worried about her son's father. The reason I worried so much was becuase she always left clues about how she was still interested in him, even though I welcomed her and her son into my life with open arms. Well it has been a nasty couple of weeks, she moved back home, and since then won't talk to me, her parents even called to tell me not to call thier home, and I did nothing to this girl, nothing but be there for her. She was very controlling and always tried to beak me down all the time, i put up with all of it, and always took care of her son when she was working etc. I caught her twice not telling about seeing the baby's father, now i told her to see him so she could get support from him, but she tookit too far, 2-3 times a week and then twice not telling me, i just didnt know what to think. I might have overreatced , but I know there was more there thna just doing it for her son. Well her parents haver acted very strange twoards me the last week, not wanting me to call thier house(even though I havent called but twice).

 

This weekend was a doozy, this past wed. she brought her ex to my apartment to help her move, even though i told her i woudl help her, i really wasn't trying to make this a big deal. She brought him into my place, and my mom drove by and saw his car there, well that night I bought a new lock and locked her out, the next day she came over and was surprised. That friday her mom called and said "we will be over at 2p.m. on sun. to pick up roxannes stuff" so I decided to get all her stuff and put it in the garage, easy access, and I did not want to see them. Well I got to pick up my daughter about 3 on sunday and my mom says her parents are at my house with the police. I get up there and they are all waiting outside, her parents don't even look at me, roxanne doesn't even look at me. What heppend next was even more crazy, they said they wanted my daughters bed they gave her for xmas, I was like "oh my god your calling the cops for a xmas gift to my daughter" it was soo ver the top. I could just think well what the hell did I do to desrve allof this, I mean I paid 600 on a wedding ring, wheres my ring or my money,I just let them take the bed though. I told roxanne,"you know this could have all been avoided if you would have just spoken to me, you know that if your ex wouldnt have come in here, everything would have been ok" she didnt say a word. Well at the end the cop gives me a note from Roxannes mom, saying how they were so glad I wasn't a part of thier family and that I was acting "psycho" because I had someone come by MY PLACE to see if she was bringing anyone with her. Anway the note also said how i just can't handle rejection and i can't handle the fact that Roxanne and her ex have a great relationship becuase of thier child and thats all it will ever be. I just thought that was funny, becuase a couple months back they all hated him, he left her when she was pregnant, slept around with other women, and didnt give her any supprt for a year. In fact I was the one to tell her to talk to him again, she didnt even want to. Oh and I also thought it was funny, that she can pull the wool over thier eyes so quickly, becuase just saturday night at about 2 am I saw her car parked outside his tattoo shop, Yeah its just for the baby, whatever, i was always right, and they just will never know how worng she is for what she did. I guess she will learn again, I thought she would learn the first time she was burned. but she likes the chase, she is one of those girls that can't grow up, she was upset that her life had so much responsiblilty at so young, shes 24, and she just couldnt handle it. But to make everything seem like it was alll me is just wrong. Also her mom said that she was getting phone calls from people telling them I was talking about roxanne, thats a lie becuase I havent talked to anyone but my friends, and I only told the truth, they said I "gossip" too much. Well she did some pretty messed up things and I might have told some poeple about it, becuase I could never talk to her, she said I was whining everytime I wanted to call her on something she did. What a crazy week, and I thought she would realize how good I was for her, but I guess it is over forever, i really was clinging on to that one little shred of hope that it would all turn around, becuase I think late on she will realize how good I was to her. It just hruts that you can be so close to somebody and then 2 weeks later they act like they hate you. I was hopeing that one night she might come by my apartment and at tleast have a good talk with me and give things another shot, but I guess that will not happen now. I wonder if she will ever talk to me again? I know the best thing is being away from her, becuase she is just not right, but its hard when we were so close.

[owlman]

Dude, I think that being out of this relatiionship is the best thing for you. Your ex continues to display a lack of care and concern for you. (I've never understood why some people feel that after a break-up they have to become rude and spiteful.) And having "met the folks" I think that we can definitely see where she gets it from.

[toonice]

I don't know if you all remember when I posted the drama that happened with me and my ex -fiance a few weeks back. Well since she broke up with me I have been doing a little better. I actually have met a couple of girls and started talking with them among other things(not so proud of that though). ANyway I have been feeling really unfullfilled when I meet someone new, I keep comparing them to my ex and even though I think they are really nice, it just doesn't compare. I don't feel the "butterflies" when i see them, i dont get crazily nervous, I dont feel anything. It bothers me becuase I feel like I am using these people and i don't want to do that, but being alone and staying home is so hard for me , i dont know why it is so hard. I have been going out way too much,trying to talk to girls and just starting to try and force situations ,it just doesnt feel natural to me. I was doing ok for a week or so , and then just the past weekend really hit hard, i really miss her and really feel like I am going to do something stupid like try and call her , even though that would be the worst thing for me to do, considereing she left me to be with her sons father(the sorry guy that left her when she was pregnant).

 

It's like I want to move on, I know i should let it all go, and I feel like I have some days, but when i hear piece of information, like what i heard this weekend ,someone saw her at Boston Market with "that GUy" and her son, it really hurts,I dont want to even know, but i continue to try and go places I think i might see her, bars,clubs etc. I play it off like I really want to go to these places, but in reality I know why i am going. I have just never felt like this before, I have always kinda been one to jump from realtionship to relationship, but I know I really need to find myslef and heal, then i get lonely and try to meet girls, knowing that I am just not ready yet. What can i do to stop this behavior, I play in a band , that helps ,but we cant play 24 hours a day. I just feel like I am trying to be strong, but it is so painful to sit and think to myself,i keep surrounding myself with these girls that I dont even really like, hoping that I will sift through all of them and find one I really want to be with,it is very confusing. I know this post is probably just as confusing, but hope you can understand some of it. Thank you.

[juno]

I know it's really painful when a relationship ends. The most curious thing is that we keep thinking about the only woman we think is our savior from madness. She is obviously emotionally involved with the other guy that's why she is still with him. Most difficult is to accept that she prefers him instead of you and that really sucks and hurts but that is true. You are still feeling heart broken. In this period it's almost imposible to try to see other women as romantic options. But keep breathing the wound will heal as soon as u reacognize the relationship is really over for good. I hope u hit the bottom fast so u can revover again. Luck.

[jadedgirl]

Hey, I know you have to be in a lot of pain. But believe me, dating new people isn't going to solve anything. What you need to do is just be with yourself. Be with family and friends, the people who have always been there for you and always loved you. They'll be your crutch through this and help you make it through. Dating other people is just going to end up in more heartache. I've been there too. Of course I wasn't engaged, but it was serious. Dating other people, like you said, you're just going to keep on comparing them to "her". And you don't want to do that. Those people don't deserve that and neither do you. It might take a year, it might take two years to get over her. But eventually you will and you'll be so much stronger. Rely on God also. Remember, he never leaves you. Spend time trying to find out who you are and where you are in this world. Until you know that and until you make yourself happy instead of other people, you'll never be happy. That's something I've always been told, it's just hard to follow. I hope you're doing better than when you posted your message. If you can, can you help me out with my dilema. I posted mine under "jadedgirl". It's bad also.

[jdratx]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out afterall-- I posted a reply to one of your posts when it was all going down a while back. I'm having similar troubles as you-- still hurting 3 months after my break up. I gotta tell you, though, I've rather been enjoying the company of other women since then. I, like you, have not found one that's getting my juices flowing, so I do feel a little bad when I start putting my "moves" on them and it starts working. I'm not ready to jump into anything serious at all right now, but even casual dating makes me feel a bit guilty if I know they're not "the one". You get to thinking, "why should we go out at all if I know we aren't meant to be together?"

 

I actually have another date tonight with a gal I've been seeing the past week and a half who doesn't do a whole lot for me emotionally or mentally. She's a perfectly nice girl and she's very attractive to top it off, but we're just missing that spark-- and you know what I'm talking about too. I'm looking for that special girl... that "spark" I'm speaking of, and I want it back pretty badly too. While dating can be lots of fun, it feels as though I'm seriously playing with fire. I just don't see why I should become a recluse while I "get to know myself" more.

 

I haven't fully healed from my break up, and part of the reason I'm going out all the time is to fill my time and keep my mind off other things (like my ex!). I miss her pretty bad too, mostly the friendship part of it, and I've wanted to call like you wouldn't believe. Actually, I have called her work place on 2 separate occasions (cuz I know she doesn't have caller id there!) and hung up after she answered-- just so I could hear her voice! I felt so pathetic afterward. But the pain has definitely subsided since then-- almost fully. It will for you too, and the urge to call will start to go away.

 

Well, my friend, you've still got some time to burn before you'll be hitting the high road again. Trust me, it will come soon-- try not to rush it. All the junk you've probably read about regarding healing after break ups really does help. It all sounds exactly the same and it all sounds quite logical, but when you put it into practice, it gets pretty hard to stick with, eh!! Logic doesn't mean squat when it comes to love or being heart-broken, so it's the first thing to fly out the window when you're hurting and makes it that much harder to heal.

 

I say go out and have yourself some fun. That's what I've been doing. Keep yourself busy with the things YOU enjoy the most. The girls I've been meeting are helping me to take my mind off things for sure. Plus, I'm keeping my social calendar booked and making new friends along the way. Unfortunately for me, no girlfriend also meant no sex-- let's just say 5 months later is making me want to go for a few more nights out on the town!

 

Take care bud, keep that chin up, and don't give up looking for what you want. It's out there-- you just gotta find it!

 

Some other enotalone member has a little quote at the end of their posts that says: "A Chamption is Someone Who Gets Up, Even When They Can't." I love that one-- keep that in mind, Champ!

 

jdratx

[RobzGr8]

Damn Bro,

I feel you. My ex girlfriend broke up with me about four months ago...almost five...for a guy she works with. I knew it was coming...I told her I didn't like that guy...and I didn't want her to hang out with him, that there was no reason for them to be "friends." She swore it was completely innocent...until she left me for him. I loved her so much...more than I ever thought possible, and when she broke up with me, I was devestated. Simply crushed...like someone had hung me upside down and gutted me like a fish. I mean I couldn't eat...sleep...think...work...nothing. I lost like 20 pounds I was so depressed.

One day I was coming home from school on a Saturday and I stopped for something to eat at a place we used to go to and I saw her there with that guy. I could see them through the window. She looked all happy and was having a ball talking to this guy. I couldn't understand how she could be so at ease, so able to live with herself after all the pain she caused me. I instantly lost my appetite and cried like a baby the whole way home.

One thing that helped me...and this has gotta be true of ANYONE who breaks up with someone for "ANOTHER"...she never really loved you bro. She was with you cuz you were there and she was just waiting for someone better/cuter/richer/well endowed/etc/whatever.

She's not worth your anguish. Man...it sucks..and it hurts like Hell, but she is simply not worth it. You have to let it go...

Don't be all ashamed of going out and meeting other girls...but if you are comparing everyone of them to HER, just like I did, you might want to consider something else... be alone for awhile. I was hyper-critical of their flaws, judgemental, intolerant, and angry at THEM because they weren't HER...they weren't my Baby...Mi Amor...the woman I loved. And, I hated THEM for what she did to ME.

Ever since I decided to NOT date, to NOT "hook up" or go out with anyone, I have had a much easier time dealing with her dumping me. I'm not over her...I'd take her back in a heart beat regardless of what she's done...and that's the problem. She doesn't deserve another chance, and she's not worth my misery. Until all that goes away...you should be alone. Reconnect with your friends...spend time alone...read...watch TV...fix stuff around the house...ANYTHING...but you need to heal.

A friend of mine told me something that I totally believe...Until you can be happy and comfortable ALONE, you'll never be happy with anyone. NEEDING someone is unhealthy...dwelling on someone is unhealthy...and dating RIGHT NOW...is unhealthy...

Take some time to heal...get over her completely...or you'll just take her into every relationship you are ever in for the rest of you life. She's obviously gotten over you...now it's your turn.

[FUnkaJoN]

Doing something stupid like calling her???? Why would you even consider it stupid? Sometimes it helps to talk to your ex. Maybe you ca find closure in your conversation. Your still in love your going to feel bad for talking to other women, but I guarantee you one day that that feeling will come agian. It taked time though... so just dont go looking for the butterflies they will find you.

[RobzGr8]

Do NOT listen to Funkajon!!! Do NOT call her...DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!! Why the HELL would you want to call her? You know what's gonna happen? Do you? huh? Huh?!?! Lemme tell you what's gonna happen...and I know this because I called MY ex and this is how it went...

I called her...trying to be happy and act like everything was cool, but I know she could hear it in my voice...she could hear all the love I felt for her and the pain that was inside me...but that's not what hurt...what hurt was what I heard in HER voice...nothing. Not a *beep* THING MAN!! She was talking to me like I was trying to sell her a subcription to the LA TIMES!! Like she didn't even know who I was. And, she totally brushed me off...telling me that she suddenly had to go into a meeting and whatever. Trust me...let her go... completely...you're gonna drag this out longer than you need to if you don't.

[FUnkaJoN]

Just because it didnt work for you doesnt mean it wont work for him. If he wants to call her well then let him call her. If he doesnt well then he doesnt. My ex and I had problems we broke up I called and then we worked things out. Different things happen for different people