...am i doing the right thing?Help Needed Please Read Update

[losinghope]

well i have posted here before, but basically to make a long story short, my ex and I were together for four years back and forth and on feb 11 he decided to break up with me. I tried the no contact rule with minimal contact. he would call me once a week to see how i was doing. i would sometimes not pick up or return his call. i didn't call him i let him ocntact me. I was doing ok and then about 2.5 months later we started hanging out a lot and talking and basically acting like we were together, but were not official. We would fight like before and everything.....fast forwarding to recently, around the end of may me and my ex celebrated my b-day and stuff and I noticed he was acting more distant, calling me whenever he wanted to or when he was bored and lonely. And he didn't hang out with me as much. So the last time he came down, we live an hour away form each other, he was hanging out with his best friend who is a guy and didn't bother calling me or hanging out. I found that really odd b/c he usually would call me and hang out if he was in town. I talked to his sister since I was close to the family and they said that his behavior chnaged with them too. that he wouldn't hang out with his sis and mom that much and he was always with his guy best friend. All of us feel neglected, and i do notice he has changed. I don't know if this is a phase or not. last week which was the last time i spoke to him, i called him and asked him if i he could call me later so we could talk and i told him that i was not okay since he asked me if everything was ok. he never called me back, which is not like him. and it's been a month i haven't seen him. I don't know why he's acting like this. from what i know, i don't think there are any girls at this point, just him trying to enjoy his single life with his friend and go out. Just this past week i decided to change my number cause i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't keep looking at my phone to see if he would call me. So i don't know if he's called and seen that i've disconnected my phone. I wanted to do it so i can show him i'm not available anymore and to make him worried that i've moved on. I'm scared that he wouldn't care that i did this. I mean i'm kinda expecting him to react, cause i've never done something like this before. I have been doing NC for about a week. He doesn't know my number so did i do a bad thing? how will he get in touch with me if he wanted to? my friends say that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would look for me. Another thing i wasn't sure about is that i'm close with the family and they call me and see how i'm doing, i was debating whether to give them the number because we became close friends and they advised me to leave him alone and see what happens. They don't know what's going on with him, but they were giving me advice as If i was a family member. i know they care for me and don't want to see me hurt. Also me and my ex were supposed to go to a wedding together on july 11. we planned this a month ago. It's a mutual friend of ours but he's closer to him. I dont' know where it's at. i was planning on not going and not calling him because he's the one who's not been calling me lately, which forced me to take this approach. Please help me with this situation guys! I would really appreciate it.I need advice desperately and all opinions are welcome. thanks alot in advance!

[losinghope]

P.S I do want him back. is there a chance? or have i ruined it for good? This is not our first break up... Is this a good thing i'm doing? I love him alot and i'm hurting soo much....

[fantasia2004]

well in my opinion

Maybe you should leave him alone and let him come around when he is ready. If you want to go to the wedding also, then ask a family member how and when is the wedding taking place or ask the person who is having the wedding to give you info if you don't feel comfortable asking your ex yet.

 

Time will only tell.

[losinghope]

the thing is that i don't want him to see me. Even though i really do want to see him. That defeats the purpose of me disconnecting my phone and doing nc. I want him to miss me and if i go, he's not gonna miss me. Btw, thank you fantasia for responding.

 

*** Please help... all opinions/advice needed and wanted...

[shockeddismayed]

losinghope,

 

I'm sorry this is so tough... but we've all been there.

 

You guys were together for 4 years... so you going to the wedding, and him seeing you there, is just as likely to trigger old emotions as it is to make him less likely to miss you.

 

I mean really... if he misses you (which he probably will) seeing you at a distance at a wedding will only make him miss you more.

 

If you go, just make sure that you will have plenty of other people to talk to. I wouldn't spend ANY one on one time with him... let him see you in a social setting moving on with your life. That IS what is going to happen if he doesn't act on things.

 

As for your phone and you "falling off the face of the earth" routine... I dunno... after four years, I don't think out and out games are the way to go. Certainly you should force him to make the effort... the phone does that.. but more importantly it protects your sanity.

 

As for giving the number to his family members... it depends whether you want them to be able to call you.... simple as that. Don't let him factor in to that decision.

 

At this point I don't think you should be wracking your brain with strategies.... just live your life as if he didn't exist... let things happen. He'll either grow out of this phase soon, or you will grow out of him.

 

Good luck... you are doing great!

[losinghope]

Can I have more opinions and advice for my situation please?! I would really appreciate it. I'm soo sad and depressed and i'm starting to regret changing my number. I feel that i will never talk to him or see him again. i'm scared.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'm very sorry you are having a bad time, I'll tell you what I think you could do, remember it's only my opinion.

 

If you want to go to the wedding then do it, look fabulous and show yourself happy, not proud or anything, just have a good time, even if you feel broken inside, let him know what a gorgeous person you are and what he's missing.

 

I think his family might not want to get involved and tell you if he is seeing another girl, they care about you and could prefer not to be the ones telling you anything.

So, whether he's seeing another person or not don't trust his family so much for telling you.

 

Changing your phone # was a good thing, it was making you feel worse to keep checking, YOU ARE FIRST, if he wants to contact you he'll surely find a way, don't worry about that, and if things between the two of you work out again you can always tell him you had other reasons for changing your phone number, you don't have to tell him or show to him that you were devastated.

 

It could also help if you became more distant of the family, being in contact with them might be painful, try to break all the links to him, if you talk to the family and they see you are ok he may not see a reason to phone and see how you are doing.

 

He might feel confused, maybe he wants to try being different for a while, we all question our lives from time to time you are doing the right thing by not contacting him and you are going to be ok.

 

Try going to that wedding, whether he's there or not it's a good thing you get distracted, and if he's there it would be good that he sees you can do things without him.

 

Don't worry, you'll feel better soon.

[losinghope]

Well, the problem is is that the wedding is tomorrow and I don't have the invitation, he does, and he's closer friends with the groom. I would go if I knew where it would be and there's no way of me finding out.... So i'm defiantely not going. I would've wanted to. Oh well.. as for the family I have not contacted them since the changing of the phone numbers. I am trying to be distant with them for now, i just don't want them to hate me for that because we were pretty close. I figure i would eventaully contact them later when i was ok. As for him, he has not tried to contact me or find me which hurts me alot. I thought he would've done something. I thought i meant something to him. any opinions are appreciated....

[stolenshadow]

Oh well , go out anyway, friends, family, alone, just don't spend the time wondering if he went to the wedding or not.

 

His family will understand if you suddenly become unavailable, they know you have a life too, even if you were close to them, don't worry about them thinking you are a bad person.

 

I know you have doubts, I know you keep thinking the same things over and over, assuming, wondering, worrying, I feel the same way about my ex, but remember you are doing the right thing, there's no other way (in my opinion) deep down you know you prefer not to be the one contacting him, you know you want to remain strong about your position, you know you are not doing anything wrong, give him time, meanwhile do different things, give your time to yourself or your family.

 

He'll probably contact you sooner or later, you were friends, so again, give him and yourself time.

[losinghope]

I still haven't heard anything from the ex and it's been two weeks since i've had no contact. the problem is that if he did want to initiate he has no way of contacting me cause i changed my number. the only way would be for him to come to my house or email me, which i don't know since my email hasn't been working. or he would have to ask my family. The thing is that i really think he wouldn't go through all that because he would think that i have moved on and he would give up. His personality is very stubborn and he's not the type to chase. So I don't know what to do, i'm really sad, and I wanted to know what i can do, and if i made a mistake and took it too far. please respond, i would love any help I can get at this point.

[losinghope]

P.S I forgot to add this detail. But maybe it would be necessary if i needed advice. My ex came from a broken home. He didn't grow up with his dad, and his mom left him at one point of his life. He seems to not show care about this but i know this has something to do with his behaviour towards me and the relationship. I was someone solid in his life. I stook by him for four years, despite his screwups. He even told me that he trusted me 100 percent and one reason he loved me was because i was loyal and he knew he could count on me and i would be there for him no matter what. Now that i literrally pulled the plug on him, i was wondering if that would make him resent me? would that bring back the traumatizing event of his life like his mother leaving him? I don't want him to hate me and i eventually do want him back. i miss him soo much and I don't want to ruin my chances in the future. I just think that he really needs this wake up call, that I won't be there forever the way he is with me. Please any input would be greatly appreciated.

[fantasia2004]

Girl what I think you need to do now is wait this out and let him come to you. Give it time I know I have repeated this, bUT I mean this now let him sweat you for a bit because if you are all over him then you have already lost the battle. What previously happened with his mother abandoning him has nothing to do with you presently, let these things work out naturally. I myself am finding it easier to not call the ex even if he does not care about me and my friends can see it in me too 8) .

 

Remember, he may have won the battle but not the war.....

 

date more and occupy you rtime to get over him for awhile. He will notice a difference in you not chasing him.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey losinghope,

 

The fact is it doesn't sound like your guy has totally made up his mind. Yeah, it might seem like he has because during these last two weeks he hasn't talked to you. But there can be a lot going on in his brain and his heart, and he probably hasn't figured out exactly what he wants. It's best just to give him time.

 

And I can assure you that he will find a way to contact you. There's someone else that posts on these boards that says a man will cross oceans for a woman he loves. And, well, it's true. If he knows where you live, you're not out of his reach.

 

But I can understand how you feel. Many of us on this board are forcing ourselves to sit on our hands so that the ex has time to understand whatever reasons they have for breaking up. And it's very easy to lose hope. I do all the time, and what I try to do is think of a couple things. First off, things will inveitably get better. My dad constantly points out to me that if my exex hadn't broken up with me I never would have met this woman that recently broke up with me. Right now it doesn't sound so great since I'm still suffering heartbreak. But regardless of how I feel now I am so happy I had the chance to have a relationship with my ex (and my exex for that matter).

 

Things do get better. And the other thing, you become a better person. If there's one thing you can be thankful for after experiencing all this pain, you become a stronger and more sympathetic person in the long run.

 

Notice neither of these things have to do with the ex. If that person comes back in your life, it's just a bonus to the growth you just went through. Try to think of yourself first. It's never easy in this situation, but it's the best thing to do.

[losinghope]

Update... I haven't heard from my ex ever since I disconnected my cell. I thought he would come to my house or pursue me more but i guess not. I thought he would realize by now how much i'm worth. But yesterday, it was weird, i got an email from his mother asking me if i was ok, and that she had been calling my cell but she noticed it was disconnected. So she said she was worried and asked if i could call or email her back. Me and his family were close, they loved me, and his mother would call me sometimes. I was wondering if i should call her back, or if i should email her or just leave it?? And if i do write her back, what do I say? Also I was wondering if you guys think that my ex might be behind this or not? Please any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks soo much in advance.

[mtastic]

hi,

I think you should email her back, at least to let her know you are ok. Pehaps explain the situation to her and why your phone was disconnected. Maybe don't tell her the entire story, you do have to be conscious of the fact that there is a chance that whatever you say will filter back to your ex. Perhaps hint that the best way to stay in touch with you for a while is through email, that way you will indirectly get that info to your ex, while still being able to retain contact with members of his family. There is a chance your ex might be behind this contact, perhaps your disconnecting the phone scared hima a little and now he is trying to gauge how you feel about him. like I said, if you do return the email, limit what you say to what you want him to know about the situation, as he may be listening as well.

Best of Luck,

mtastic

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Losinghope

 

The reason people use NC is to heal and move on, its just something one does to help get over your ex etc.

 

I am not sure what your arrangement was after you started "hanging out" after you broke up, if sex was not involved, then he was probably just looking to keep you as a friend, if sex was involved, then you were just being used.

 

Your forgetting one important thing here, and thats love, does he act like a man that loves you? do you remember how he was when you first started and he was spooning you?

 

His new buddy has now replaced his "friendship" needs, your ex, probably knows you still want him as a BF and that makes him feel guilty which is why he would prefer hanging with his bud, after all, If you Ex thinks of you as only a friend, and he wants to start dating other girls he knows it will hurt you because he also knows you still love him. these are the dangers of pretending to be "just friends" with someone you really love. You will always get hurt.

 

I agree with what Fantasia suggested, forget about him unless he comes back to you and wants you as a GF only!

 

Do contact his mom, give her the new number, explain your situation to her for changing your number and all, she will understand. but keep up the NC and I mean for good, unless he comes knocking at the door, even then don't hang out with him unless his intentions are to get back with you.

[DopeStar]

The thing is that i really think he wouldn't go through all that because he would think that i have moved on and he would give up. His personality is very stubborn

 

You know him better then we do, if this is who he is do you really want to be treated that way, if her cared he'd call, he hasn't so let him go. Why let someone like this torture you?

[DopeStar]

I was someone solid in his life. I stook by him for four years, despite his screwups.

 

Then you don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

I just think that he really needs this wake up call, that I won't be there forever the way he is with me.

 

Good for you this is the attitude that you need to stick with, he does not deserve someone like you. Especially after 4 years screwups on his part.

[DopeStar]

But yesterday, it was weird, i got an email from his mother asking me if i was ok, and that she had been calling my cell but she noticed it was disconnected. So she said she was worried and asked if i could call or email her back.

 

I was wondering if i should call her back, or if i should email her or just leave it?? And if i do write her back, what do I say? .

 

Send her an email back, there is no harm in that, mention that you are thankful for her concern but you are ok and you are not ready to be that close again right now and you need some space from everything that remind you of him. Also thank her for everything that his family ever did for you two while were together. I would cut off contact to them though to it will only make you hurt me being that close.

[Mun]

Hey Losinghope,

Looks like you have gotten excellent advice already. I would stick to not contacting him at all. If the man wants to talk to you-trust me- he will find a way to do it ( his mother did).

 

It has to matter enough to him, you have to matter, for him to come and see how you are doing. To look for you. He isn't there yet. I think most guys will chase a girl they are interested in ( and some chase her even if she is not interested back) and I even think they like that. Maybe you stopped being interesting to him because you were always around? Maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Either way I would stick with what you are doing--don't second guess yourself. You had a very good reason for changing your number and it seemed like the last thing to do to get peace at the time.

 

Now for yourself you should go out more. Do things you enjoy ( I know I tell everyone this go to the movies or out to grab a drink with friends. There is nothing like getting an ego boost from other guys checking you out at a pub. Plus you are much more attractive to a guy when he knows other guys could snatch you up.

 

If the man wants you he will find his way back to you. If he does not then you will know not to waste time anymore.

[kipster]

Hi losing hope, let me first say that I empathize with you on your sitch and that I know it can be tough at times when you feel your in a relationship with a person and then things 'fall apart'. But do understand that a relationship is work, talk to any 'real' married couple for instance and they'll tell you after the white dress and the honeymoon phase the real 'work' begins. Its not all good times and no bad. And unfortunately people today are too willing to just give up thinking that the grass is always greener, only to find out that it isn't. And if it is, its generally the very same wine, but in a slightly different bottle. Now in your case, I don't think disconnecting was the wrong thing to do. You did what you felt was right at the time and what you needed. But I am interested in his behavior, in which it seemed like when you showed him ZERO interest, that's when he came running back, but when you made him perhaps feel smothered that's when he seemed to bail. I think there's something to be said there and perhaps in some ways he feels trapped or rushed, until the threat of losing you creeps in then he tries desperately to have you. Like he's oscillating. Trust me, if he's meant to be with you he WILL come around. But you cannot be afraid to lose him, that's what really hurts our hearts. If he's THE ONE for you, disconnecting your phone, even moving to a different state won't stop a man that wants you from finding you in this digital age. Believe that. I just think you should continue what you're doing and give him his space. Let him see that after a few months with this new male friend, he'll notice that that gets real OLD REAL quick. I know you're at a tough spot, but you must believe that its happening for a reason and learn from it. Also, work on you as muneca said, go out, workout, get spiritually grounded, etc., and move forward. Because you're still VERY young and I guarantee you, if this guy isn't the one for you, and its not meant to be, the next guy that you get will be 10-times greater than him. That I assure you. But trust its going to take some time, which may make a month seem like a year, but in the end the time will be worth it. I know you don't see it now, I didn't either after ending a 7+ year relationship with an EX who broke up with me, but after a few month you're vision becomes 20-20. So hang in there, keep it in prayer, and use this time wisely to evaluate what you want in life, where you want to be, where you're going, etc....

 

Kip

[lunatic]

Hi Losinghope,

 

I have read through this thread a few times and I come to the same conclusion. You are probably not going to want to hear what I have to say but, I think it is important to think about the future and not your past. I know your hurting really badly right now and you have a lot of your heart invested in this man. I want you to know that right now maybe the best time to start no contact. That means no contact with him in anyway, call his family and inform them that you need some time to think about your situation.

 

If he is behind the phone call this should shake him. If he is going to come back then you will get some kind of hint from him(could email or a plain old phone call). Hold out and don't have any contact with him for a while because he needs to miss you not being in his life. If it was meant to be then he will be back.

 

Dont live your life waiting for him to call you or contact you. Get out there and do something for yourself. Make some kind of small goals to accomplish to better yourself. Get out and do something you like and make sure that your friends know how your moving on(especally the mutual friends

 

You have to think about the fact that he may never come back and live accordingly. By showing him that your moving on might also bring him to call you. I don't want you to think he will be back but, you never know. Men are so different in their decision making. There is no definative answer to weather or not he is coming back.

 

Please start picking up the pieces and make sure that your/his friends know what you are doing. When word gets back and he does not call then you know that this is going to be a way to know where you stand with him. If he does not contact you then your doing the right thing by moving onto a man that wants to have a woman like you in his life. You are young and you have plenty of time to find Mr. Right.

 

My advice is to start putting the pieces of your life back in order and maybe it will not include him. You have to brace yourself for that possibility.

 

Good luck,

Hubman 8)

[badBoy101]

Hi Losing Hope

 

You wrote to me asking for advice about doing NC and REALLY meaning it.

 

Before anything else though just let me say how truly sorry I am that you and others here are in pain over a breakup. I am too and I know just how you feel.........sometimes ok, sometimes good, most of the tome though just getting thru eah day nursing this HUGE hole inside of us.

 

 

Time wil heal eventually and although you may always love this person you will eventually feel less pain than you do now. You won;t forget them nor they you............it's just that the pain will diminish as time works its magic.

 

Now then, about cutting off ALL contact...........as I did. In my case I did it because I was being used as a safety net in case she decided to change her mind. Also, her keeping in contact with me provided her with all she wanted from me that her new partner couldn't give so she was getting the best of everything at no cost to herself.

 

That is not love, it's just using people and that is something I refuse to allow anyone to do to me.

 

So, she was removed from my life completely. Will she miss me? Will it make her wonder or want me again? Will she regret dumping me? Wil lthey eventually split up and will she come looking for me one day?

 

Honestly, I don't know and the thing is............with every passing day it becomes less and less important. I am learning to move on with my life and as excruciatingly painful as it is sometimes it is just something I have to be strong about.

 

Like I said, we won;t forget them and they won't forget us and as someone else said, if the REALLY want to get hold of you they will. The cell phone thing is neither here nor there...........if he wants you he WILL find you.

 

So, for now at least continue as you are and one day this will all be a bad memory.

 

Love

 

badboy101

x

[shockeddismayed]

Losinghope,

 

I'm sorry I took so long to reply.

 

Like you, I've been busy trying to deal with my own personal life.

 

First of all... in response to your PM... you haven't done ANYTHING wrong.... this guy broke up with you. YOU are allowed to choose to deal with it ANY WAY YOU PLEASE.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with disconnecting your phone. Afterall, you don't want him to try to come back if something as insignificant as that will dissuade him. Remember... as Kipster said, a REAL and MATURE relationship is all about hard work. You don't want him until he is ready for that, so there is nothing wrong with putting a small little hurdle out for him to cross over.

 

Other than that, I think this puts you in an excellent place to *pretend* he is never coming back. Allow yourself to hope that he is when you need to feel comforted... even *believe* it at times... but the rest of your day ACT as though you would never see him again.

 

The more you do this, the more you will heal for yourself. You'll rediscover yourself as your own best friend, and it will be an empowering feeling.

 

Trust me that this will not feel natural for a while. Don't feel badly or beat yourself up... but just KEEP AT IT. Eventually it will get easier.

 

Surround yourself with your best and most supportive friends, and just try to put him out of your mind.

 

Remember... putting him out of your mind and out of your life has NO negative influence on his actions. If he wants to try again, he will come back regardless.... so do it for you and your own sanity.

 

All the best!

[BradensCreed]

i say forget about it. but thats just me.