In-laws and holidays

[someguy69]

What is the standard practice for in-laws and holidays? What about extended-family complications?

 

My parents are divorced, and before I was married, it got a little difficult dividing up the holidays, and it seems that my mother generally had the trump card.

 

Now that I'm married, it seems that my wife is always playing the trump card as far as her family in concerned.

 

She claims this is because her family is "nice", and that my family is "mean" -- especially my Dad's family -- and this means that we almost never see my Dad's family.

 

My wife goes on and on about how my Dad's family treats me like a black sheep, but it is my wife who makes sure that we are unable to go to family gatherings that my Dad's family arranges (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas dinner, etc).

 

She also goes on at great length about how they don't try hard enough to provide her with an adequate vegetarian offering, and somehow uses this as the reason that she is in her full right to plan a completely vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Personally I don't understand how an exclusive (vegetarian-only) dinner is better than an inclusive (vegetarian + meat dishes) offering, but although she won't admit it, I feel that this is more a revenge thing.

 

I know my wife has a lot of good reasons for choosing vegetarianism for herself, but I am a strong believer in being "inclusive" when it comes to family traditions and dinners.

 

At previous Thanksgivings that we had hosted, she was offended when my mother had brought a dessert when my wife had gone to "great lengths" to plan the "perfect menu".

 

In all honesty, my wife goes to far too much expense and prepares far more food than anyone could eat, and so many dishes that everyone is full before the main course, let alone the multitude of desserts.

 

God forbid that you make any suggestions or any criticism or you'll be hearing about it for years to come.

[abitbroken]

I don't think the problem is her diet, but her tact. She seems a bit unshiftable and seems to be bent on making a "statement" rather than merely carrying out her chosen diet.

 

I think your wife needs to practice a little bit of grace, here. I have a friend who I had no clue was vegetarian because he was so gracious. he simply ordered pasta dishes and didn't make a big to-do about things, She should eat the side dishes - the salad, the stuffing, the meatless appetizers, the cranberry sauce and then she should bring a dish to pass that does not upstage the turkey but compliments it. or if not, she should have a small bite before you go. it could be seen as a main dish to her, but a side dish to others. That is the gracious way of being a guest, and I think you should suggest it or find a way to make it seem like her idea. "hey, my sister mentioned she would love it if you brought a vegetarian dish." if that's true, or perhaps say "maybe they don't know how good vegetarian food is. Why not bring a dish".

 

I also think about your family, you could have contributed if you complain a lot about how horrible your family is. i know with my ex, I got a little protective and also tried to not see the family so much because they were a little crazy but what I should have done is grin and beared the holidays - but had somewhere else to go to so we didn't stay all night.

 

To deal with the obligatins on going to mom and dad's house, grandmas, my aunt's and my bf's family, we have "little christmas" and open gifts with my immediate family (siblings, their families, etc, the sunday before christmas or earlier). Then we go to Grandma's christmas morning and finish the day at my boyfriend's family. We see some of my other extended family at new year's. We manage to see everybody without having to choose sides. But I don't think your wife is into that it seems.

 

I think that you have to set the tone here. You choose together which holidays you will spend with her family or your family as the star, and then arrange to see the others around the holidays. if she refuses, she is being unreasonable, plain and simple. Unless there are major scenes at holidays, there is no reason to not see them.

 

Maybe you should talk to her and next time you have a holiday at your house, prep her ahead of time and ask her what your family can bring.

 

It seems that although apparently your family picks on you or whatever - you have chosen a wife that in some ways does the same but maybe in a different way. I hope someone can offer you better advice.

[Jetta]

Well when I was married we divided the holidays between the families. I did seem mine more because my parents health isn't the best and I knew my dad wasn't going to live forever, he died in 2005. But we'd host Thanksgiving and have both families over. Christmas day was with my family and Chirstmas Eve was with his. Easter was with my family. Works out great now that we're divorced because he spends Christmas Eve with his family and our daughter and I get her on Christmas Day. When she's grown well that'll be something else. Dividing 3 ways well can you host a holiday?

[catfeeder]

Since your wife is not very gracious, I would step up with my family and become gracious toward them myself. If that means splitting up over some holidays until wife gets the message, so be it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, you should really split them up. When my best friend got married her mother in law said she wanted them to come over for Thanksgiving AND Christmas Eve (especially after her daughter was born) and my best friend's family ALWAYS does their stuff on Christmas Eve but never do anything for Thanksgiving. She eventually had to tell her her mother-in-law could have Thanksgiving and Christmas Day but Christmas Eve was her family's. There has to be a compromise.