Am I overreacting?

[gravity]

Quick background: Been together 2.5 years, living together 2. Discovered some emotional cheating this past spring, we’ve been working on our relationship since then. She started going to therapy, been working on herself, stopped all contact with this guy, is supposed to tell me if he tries to contact her, etc. it seems to be helping. Things for the most part seem to be getting better, not perfect, but better. I’ve been keeping my eyes open to say the least.

 

Yesterday she was acting strange all day. I kept asking what was up but she kept chalking it up to feeling “blah” (It happens, we all have days like that so I brushed it off). However by nightfall she was still in a funk so I kept pushing. She eventually confessed that an ex (not very serious, ended poorly, I don’t know the details but I assume she cheated on him) had just gotten married this past weekend and sent her a message that morning, essentially:

 

“Thanks for setting in motion the steps which let me to my wife”

 

One sentence, nothing more. Strange right?

 

She says she didn’t tell me because she knew I’d get upset over it and she wanted time to think about it to figure out how she felt about the situation.

 

I got a bit bent out of shape over this. We didn’t have a fight over it or anything but it was an awkward serious conversation when left us both very tense. I was annoyed that :

 

A. She wouldn’t tell me about getting a message like that, I know I would have. I mean a causal “my ex got married and sent me this weird message of FB” would have made this a non-issue for me. But instead she lied about it and made it an issue.

 

B. She seems really bent out of shape over a short-term ex she never really cared for (her words). More bent out of shape than she normally seems over issues in our own relationship.

 

Started putting all kinds of doubts in my mind.

 

What do you guys think?

Am I overreacting?

[Jd1983]

I wouldn't say you're completely overreacting.

 

I would question the same thing. Why is she bent out of shape that an ex was getting married? I think it's best to talk to her about it. Perhaps, it could not mean anything.

[Unreasonable]

What do you guys think?

Am I overreacting?

 

Yes. Him sending her a message that she didn't even reply to is not your business. He probably sent that as a 'dig' to hurt her feelings, and she just didn't feel like talking about it. That is her right.

 

When she did talk about it, you got annoyed, which she correctly predicted.

[abitbroken]

I don't think she is bent out of shape for the ex getting married, its for the weird message. To me, that message could be read as "I am glad I broke up with you". or "i am glad I dumped you and found someone good". It would be the implied insult or the fact that hurt had been good. Even if I didn't have feelings for the person, I would be a bit dumbfounded or feel weird or sad. I don't think it was wrong for her to not tell you about the message immediately. I think she is entitled to be shocked and not know what to say. And she is entitled to have had a past. If the ex wrote her to request communication with her, that would be another matter. I would more so, since you only can control yourself, think about how you react to her about stuff like this. Is she afraid to share openly because you fly off the handle? Or do you really, like you say "have no big problem" with it.

 

Also, this guy could genuninely be very grateful to have met his wife and is just thanking everyone and everything and didn't mean it in a bad way, even though it came accross in a bad way.

[gravity]

I would more so, since you only can control yourself, think about how you react to her about stuff like this. Is she afraid to share openly because you fly off the handle? Or do you really, like you say "have no big problem" with it.

 

I would not have a problem with this if it was mentioned casually. I do have a problem when she doesn't tell me the truth however, and since she lied about it multiple times when I asked her (I can tell when something's up with her) which in turn causes me to file it under the "this is similar to when she cheated" label.

 

I will try to be more aware of that in the future, thanks.

 

I definitely understand why she feels a little weird about it, I would too if I got a message like that from an ex. I just don't get why she feels the need to lie and deny about something so inconsequential. It's the deception which turns it into big deal in my mind.

[Unreasonable]

I just don't get why she feels the need to lie and deny about something so inconsequential.

To assume this was inconsequential to her is presumptuous. She could have felt torn up about it but didn't want to bring it up to you because of your attitude towards communication from other men, due to her past. And, when she finally did open up to you, I don't think you handled it well if it resulted in a tense, awkward, serious situation. She told you the same day, man. Maybe she just needed some time to process her feelings.

 

It was one unsolicited line from a guy getting married. That has nothing to do with emotional cheating. But I can see how it could have affected her and was *not* inconsequential. I would have been completely insulted and hurt by what he said, regardless of his intentions.

[mikem]

Sorry to hear about this. It seems like you deserve a better relationship.

[Deejmonster]

I think that you are overreacting in a way... I understand that you two had problems with the whole cheating thing in the past.. so i know why you are concerned.. but I have always been the type of guy who didn't need to know every detail about my girlfriends personal life and who she talks to. Its just how i am.. I just trust them to not make a mistake.. I understand that your situation is a bit different.. but again.. she didnt start the conversation... and him contacting her was out of her hands.. and im sorry... But that statement that he sent her.. makes him come off as a total tool. You should be glad too.. because I dont think she would ever try and go back to that... otherwise... sometimes Im upset about something and I need to figure it out myself before I tell someone else. That way I dont get emotionally confused when other people disagree.. Take it this way... she needed to know herself that it truly upset her.. she wont tell you that it upset her but we all know it did.. I dont know a person who wouldnt get upset by seeing that... and she waited to tell you because she knew you would get bent out of shape.. and now she feels guilty for something that was out of her control. She didnt tell you because she didnt want to get anymore upset.. because she knew you would get angry. Take it easy on her.. take her out to dinner or to a movie. Show her that you care.. take her mind off of it.. a part of a relationship is you being her friend and supporting her when she needs someone... dont be mad and irritated... understand... be empathetic.. she wasnt tryin to do anything wrong...

[JLKLEE]

I can understand how you are feeling. I know that any situation I am put in with an ex or a guy hitting on me, etc. I always tell my boyfriend. Reason being, I feel that he has a right to know. On my birthday I went out to a bar and while my boyfriend was talking to his friends my ex came up to talk to me. I told my boyfriend about it.

 

She seems like shes acting a little shady but I wouldnt get really upset just yet. Honestly, Id kinda start doing my own thing until shes ready to be an adult and talk to you about her feelings.