I have a date this evening...it feels weird.

[LarsWB]

Some of you know my story and so far, nothing has changed. I'm still in limbo with my wife. She's still in another state, still on my medical insurance, no mention of divorce, she hasn't come back to get things that belong to her (and she had a chance while she was here) and when we email, which I've made 'rare' because I'm trying to stick to NC/LC, it's friendly and she adds to them which always sends me through mental agony...I'm living in the house and raising our son, both that she abandoned....there are other things about this situation too but I won't make this long.

 

Anyway, I've been doing everything imaginable to move forward, detach, and heal. It's working, slowly, and I'm feeling better as the days go on, with some setbacks here and there. It still hurts all the time, but it's not that gut wrenching, paralyzing pain it was months ago. I still miss her terribly.

Recently I met another woman (I've met a few, but just friends or fellow artists, no attraction really although a few of them are lovely) and we've hit it off in a way that I never expected to happen....it's confusing. We get along great, laugh about the same things, she's sweet to me and I haven't felt that in a LONG time, caring, and very beautiful. In a way I feel starved for love and affection...and she's in the right place at the right time. She doesn't know my whole story just yet, partly because I try to keep it private...but we're getting together this evening for a glass of wine and I'm 100% sure she's attracted to me in all ways. I know the right thing to do is be honest with her, tell her the truth and the whole story, and remain friends with her....for now....I do feel in my heart that it's too soon for me to jump into anything, but on the other hand I'm an affectionate person and I MISS all those little things that come with a woman being in love with me. I want it to be my wife again, but it's not happening. I have feelings still for my wife obviously, I mean it's not easy for me to toss 16 years away like she has.

This is new for me and although I feel comfortable with it somewhat, somewhere inside me I feel like I'm 'cheating'....god, what my wife has done to my psyche. It has affected me in ways I never thought possible! This lady and I are just having a glass of wine as friends, but she's a knockout and that's difficult to overlook!

I'd say wish me luck, but I'm not ready to jump into anything so I don't know if I need it just yet. Honesty is the best path I'm sure. She's too sweet to hurt and I want her to know the whole story. From there, we'll see what happens. Life rolls forward sometimes whether you want it to or not.

Thanks for listening.

[Nappyloxs]

The first date is always a little nerve wrecking even with our issues with our exes.

 

My advice is not to try and not bring up your issue with your wife. If it gets brought up, so be it. But let her bring it up and then try to keep it as short as possible. Don't turn the date into a therapy session.

 

The one girl I am talking to now didn't know of my recent breakup until a few conversation and then really didn't know much until a few weeks when we were actually talking about her recent breakup. Trust me there were times I wanted to talk about it, but made sure not to look like a lost puppy.

 

Treat it just like you said friends having a drink together.

 

Congrats and good luck.

[timetoloveme]

This is my (female) perspective.

 

I think you need to be up-front with her about your situation. If not, you are only playing with her emotions. She sounds lovely-definitely someone you want in your life but at what cost to her? I believe that not telling the whole truth is lying, and if you even might have a future with this woman, you owe it to yourself and her to base it on honesty. Without that the foundation is already broken.

 

If your wife came back today would you willingly take her back? If so, ask yourself if you are really ready for this.

 

This woman should have the option to not get in too deep. If she doesn't know what it is she's getting into, it really isn't fair.

 

Best of luck to you.

[LarsWB]

Thanks to the both of you for your posts....helps to put things into perspective and it helps a lot to hear from you, timetoloveme. The last thing I want to do is lead her on, and the first thing I want to do it move on with my life so this pain in my heart will heal. I hope that makes sense.

Nappy I was planning on just that...a fun, casual, nice glass of wine between friends. She's already a bit curious about my situation - right now she only knows I'm a single father. I was thinking we'd have some wine, chat and hang out, and I'd probably talk to her this weekend more in depth about my situation. I agree with you too timetoloveme, she needs to know the entire story...and I'm a very honest person, no BS about anything - I've always put it flat out and nothing to hide. At minimum, as it stands today, we're the best of friends and I could really use a good one right now. I'm afraid if I decide to let it go further and suddenly feel I'm not ready, that I'll hurt and lose her altogether. I'm also still very much emotionally connected to my wife...as difficult as that is for me right now. If my wife wanted to come back today, I'd seriously consider it and it would be a long, painful road...but I'd do it simply because she's the woman I married and there's a reason for that.

We'll just see how things go this evening, and how I'm feeling afterward. This lady is beautiful inside and out, and I'd hate to 'not' have her as a friend.

Thanks again all.

[timetoloveme]

Good luck with the "get together"-I'm not going to call it a date b/c it seems like even you don't know what it is

 

Let us know how it goes. You sound like a thoughtful guy so in any event, sounds like it could be a wonderful friendship. Honestly, I think relationships are better when they start that way.

 

I will look for an update from you tomorrow on how it went.

[DN]

Don't be talking about your ex - talk about her and her interests. This could be something good for you so don't screw it up.

[HeartGoesOn]

At minimum, as it stands today, we're the best of friends and I could really use a good one right now. I'm afraid if I decide to let it go further and suddenly feel I'm not ready, that I'll hurt and lose her altogether. I'm also still very much emotionally connected to my wife...as difficult as that is for me right now. If my wife wanted to come back today, I'd seriously consider it and it would be a long, painful road...but I'd do it simply because she's the woman I married and there's a reason for that.

 

I think you may be moving too fast, and you're far from ready for this. Also, neither you, nor your wife have filed for divorce, therefore that should be addressed before deciding to move on...Just my opinion.

[FrenchFries]

I think you may be moving too fast, and you're far from ready for this. Also, neither you, nor your wife have filed for divorce, therefore that should be addressed before deciding to move on...Just my opinion.

 

I agree with this.

[Nappyloxs]

I am by no means suggesting keeping from the new girl your situation. But I don't suggest telling her everything either. Take everything slowly including being upfront with her about your situation. If I were in your shoes, (kind am, but without the marriage which is a major difference), I would tell her you are separated and keep the reason why short and sweet. Let her know you rather talk about her and her interest.

 

You are obviously attracted to this woman. You don't want to scare her off and have this evening being a therapy session. From my experience, women won't be turned off by the fact that you just got out of a relationship, but they will be turned off if you appear to not be over your ex.

 

In all honesty, dating is a game. As much as people say they don't want someone who plays games. It really is a game, we have to put on our best personality for the first few months and slowly reveal are true selves as time goes on. If you are really attracted to this girl, take it slow and slowly reveal the situation with you and your wife. Give her as little information as needed until you feel that she (not you) is ready for the whole story.

 

Also, have confidence!!! That is the biggest thing. And definitely talk about her, but don't let her just talk about herself. Good Luck

[timetoloveme]

 

In all honesty, dating is a game. As much as people say they don't want someone who plays games. It really is a game, we have to put on our best personality for the first few months and slowly reveal are true selves as time goes on. If you are really attracted to this girl, take it slow and slowly reveal the situation with you and your wife. Give her as little information as needed until you feel that she (not you) is ready for the whole story.

 

I firmly disagree with this. To me it is deception. It is akin to not directly lying but not telling the whole truth either. Be yourself, your full self and don't hold back. She should be the one to decide what she can and cannot take, not you.

[LarsWB]

Thanks everyone - I do appreciate the advice and it's great to hear other takes on the situation. In all honesty, the last thing I want to do in ANY situation, right now, is talk about my wife and I, and our problem. I am attracted to this lady, she's beautiful and she's sweet to me...and I miss that, it's been a long time. I worked for months and months to get that back from my wife's heart, and just as she started showing it to me, just as it began to work on her, well...she ran. Can't explain it, but it happened. During that time, I was WIDE open, ready to receive it from her, and that's why this has been such a blow to me. My defense was down, my heart was open to my wife, and she destroyed it. Now, months after she left, it's closing back up again.....and to have someone so attractive be so 'into' me, well....is one helluvan ego and self-confidence booster. I do feel that I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but the attraction of admiration, love, and affection...well, boy do I miss those things. We'll be friends, there's no doubt about that. If she wants more, I'll have to explain everything to her and ask her to remain friends for now. Honesty from the beginning...there's no other way to go. I won't bring it up tonight....unless she asks. I do plan on making another date with her this weekend and telling her the whole story. Tonight is a 'short' get-together for the two of us. I won't lead her on, I just couldn't do that to her.

Tonight will be nice, fun, and friendly. Maybe she's in the right place at the right time - I don't know. We'll see how things go. I know I'll be laughing this evening, that's something we've done constantly since we met...and I missed that terribly! Haven't laughed for the last three months.

Man, do I feel vulnerable to her charm and beauty right now. Be strong dude, be strong!

[LarsWB]

So...it went very well - just a glass of wine and hanging out at a little table, talking about all sort of things. She's very funny, so I laughed a lot....and we've already made plans for some future dates...I'm taking her to one of my art events, things like that. She's aggressive...and extremely beautiful. I just enjoyed myself and I enjoyed her company. No talk about relationships or anything like that.

However, when I got home I had an email from my wife - she's flying in for a weekend, staying with her mother accross town, and wanted to know if our son was free. I didn't want to break NC - but I've realized now that it's going to have to be LC....NC is impossible with having kids between us and one of them lives with me (the other is in college 4 hrs away but her room is still here in our house).

This seems so stupid to me...it was just an email....but it just set off crazy emotions and feelings. I made a very simple reply that 'yes he's free and I'll take him to her mother's and drop him off'. She's replied back again about coming in the following weekend too, she misses him terribly, and wants to take him to see the Dalai Lama here in Atlanta (that in itself is VERY strange...she was never into that sort of thing like I am, and she KNOWS how much I've wanted to hear him speak - I can't go because I have a gallery closing reception and have to pick up my art that weekend)

and at the same time I get an email from the other woman, my date, wishing me a wonderful day. etc. etc. with a big smiley face. Talk about being confused! It hurts. The situation with my wife still hurts.

I can feel it now, very heavily - I'm not ready for another relationship yet. Dates are cool, and my females friends are all awesome....but if a simple email from my wife can stir me up like this - and make me feel like I have glass in my heart - then that's a SURE SIGN that I'm just not ready yet. I'm planning on hopefully taking my date to an art opening this evening, and will go ahead and tell her the entire story, the entire truth....and ask her to remain my friend for now.

It's only fair to her, she's a beautiful person and I can only hope she sticks around for that day when I'm ready.

[iBroken]

Can I suggest that you save the heartbreak story for something other then an art opening?

 

Or at the very least, at the end of the date. Maybe go for a walk and let her know whats up? (not sure if thats what you had in mind, but I wanted to throw it out there just in case).

[LarsWB]

Yes I agree...but she loves art, and wine...and I'm afraid every show I take her to before I tell her the truth, well, is just deepening things between us. I'm in a show that has a closing reception Oct 15th, and she's already said

"You're taking me!" Like I said, she's aggressive. I actually like that.

I guess the right thing to do is just tell her now. Without her knowing my situation, I feel like each time we get together or talk...that I'm being dishonest with her. Man, she's lovely. So is my wife. My wife left but has my heart still. This woman could easily have it...it's just not available yet. Oh the drama lol!

[DN]

I think you should wait for a few more dates.

[LarsWB]

UG...very torn. Friday night, spent the evening with my son out and about. Emails and texts from the new lady, very nice and very sweet....she just resonates with me....wants to talk to me and she makes me laugh. Yet, through all of this I'm still thinking, and trying not to think of, my wife. I've gotten pretty good at fighting and removing the thoughts when they pop up, like what is she doing tonight...who is she out with, etc. it gets easier to do it each time. Thinking about this new lady, well that helps too...just thinking about her instead of my wife, the one who has hurt me beyond anything I could have imagined. Now why in the HELL does my heart even WANT to see her and speak to her again? I'll never understand the human mind. I know though, that this new woman has come into my life for a reason, if even only for an ego boost...she's a knockout, and a sweet person. In reality, I want to dislike my wife so much that I never think about her....and I want this new lady and I to bond like I've never seen. Will that happen? I don't know....but it's NICE to have a beautiful woman want to talk to me, see me, and look me in the eyes again. Man does it feel nice. I hoped it always be my wife but that's not the case it seems. My life has been so surreal the last year, up 'till right this moment, I can hardly believe it.

I want to tell her, be honest....but I also don't want to lose her, or lose that 'fill' she is giving my 'void'. Selfish, I know.