Just need somebody to listen

[NightLily]

I don't even know if information on ENA is safe anymore.. (well if it ever was).. but this is the internet. Regardless, I feel like I just have to tell *somebody* since I can't tell anybody really and I keep going around acting like things are fine now.

 

Everyday I imagine going to my room, drinking some alcohol, and downing 15+ sleeping pills. There are moments I feel I will do it.. even tonight. I do think I will eventually kill myself and would be surprised if I make it to 25. This has been going on for so long that I simply can't imagine living a full life feeling this way.

 

No details now I just wanted to tell somebody. I don't even know why.

[The Archer]

Well I’m listening… Wish I could help though.

 

Why cant you talk to people you know? I’m not trying to put you off chatting on here but you mentioned you cant talk to anyone. Why? Is there no one you feel safe talking to?

[Jd1983]

What's going on..?

 

It does help to let things out from time to time. We are always here to listen.

[NightLily]

There aren't many people in my life anymore.. actually... my only in person friend I ever see now is a guy I used to date.. who was cheating on me the whole time.. Others moved away. Are gone.. I should reach out to somebody I guess.. but everybody is so far away. I also have to be around family.. an abusive family. It is a long story how that came to be. I have been struggling with wanting to kill myself for so long the story is rotten and old. People eventually get tired of dealing with you. Not that I have many people to get tired of it.

 

I spend my days totally alone in the middle of nowehere. Going nowhere. Coming from nowhere.

 

The smallest most unstable piece of hope I will hold onto and when it is gone I am devestated.

 

And I don't want to do therapy anymore because I don't want to be some self absorbed modern person who feels the need to pamper themselves through life when the rest of civilization was able to make it on their own before. I do take medications but it is a source of shame for me.

[Jd1983]

You should never feel that people get tired of dealing with you, because that's not true at all.

 

Is there a way you can get away and start brand new?

 

If you need therapy, then continue doing so. Just so you can feel somewhat better. There is nothing to be ashamed about, because there are a lot of people going through the same thing you're going through.

[AndiD]

Medicines are NOT something to be ashamed of. Medicine is the sign of a mature individual who is strong enough to ask for help when they need it. It's ok to need help;we all do, in one way or another. And like medicine, therapy doesn't make you self absorbed. It makes you smart. Which "rest of civilization" do you think got by without that? Before they were called therapists, they were called priests or ministers or rabbis or shamans or whatever. There's been therapists in one form or another for a long, long time. It's ok to need other people, and a therapist is just a person who knows more about dealing with tough stuff.

[NightLily]

I have already begun courses at a community college (trying to somehow finish my degree after i got derailed by the horrible life events). So I don't think it is an option for me to leave.. and really that would just mean going for being mostly alone to being totally alone. If I can somehow get into another college, as there is no way I would go back to the hell of the last one, then it would be a chance for me to leave.. but I don't know if that will work out for me this coming semester. I not only don't live up to my potential, but I fail miserably. The depression becomes so much that I often can't function to even 1/10 of the normal level. I sometimes can't even focus enough to think straight on things.. Rambling sorry.

 

I don't know what a therapist could do for me. There isn't just one or two issues. It is a life full of hell and not a good time to return to. I feel like I'm not even alive. Everybody else is out there living and I'm here wasting away and dying.

[NightLily]

Medicines are NOT something to be ashamed of. Medicine is the sign of a mature individual who is strong enough to ask for help when they need it. It's ok to need help;we all do, in one way or another. And like medicine, therapy doesn't make you self absorbed. It makes you smart. Which "rest of civilization" do you think got by without that? Before they were called therapists, they were called priests or ministers or rabbis or shamans or whatever. There's been therapists in one form or another for a long, long time. It's ok to need other people, and a therapist is just a person who knows more about dealing with tough stuff.

 

That is true.. but I honestly usually feel like therapists are just your average joe's with a degree.. I don't see how they could possibly be able to help. No words have ever helped long term. I think it might just make me feel even more ashamed of myself. I feel like I need to try to get through this on my own and not label myself a sick person in need of therapy even though that might be what I am. I don't know.. I need to toughen up.

[Jd1983]

Why not just start courses at first, see if you can meet any new people and take it from there? Perhaps, it's a good idea to get away a little and focus on books for awhile.

 

Don't say that you don't live your life up to potential, you're not the only one that feels that way. I am the same way, so you are definitely not alone.

 

By the way, I've seen an old thread that you posted with your music videos - you have a lot of talent, and you definitely seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. You just need to realize that. You are still young, so you have your whole life ahead of you. Just try to have a little more faith.

 

Take some time away, when you feel you're ready to talk to a therapist then do so. Please don't try to keep everything to yourself. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone, anyone even.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Suzy, medication shouldn't be a source of shame for you at all. It doesn't mean that you are weak if you are feeling how you feel, just that you have been through a lot...

 

I feel like you to be honest. I sooo see myself committing suicide sooner or later...It's hard. Do you work? How do you spend your free time? I'm here for you if you want to talk.

[AndiD]

You'd be surprised how much a good therapist can help. Stress on the "good." There's all sorts of exciting life possibilities out there, waiting for you to find them. Things that wouldn't even occur to you right now. But honestly, to some degree a happy is a learned skill. It's a way of living, and an attitude - and one an abusive family didn't teach you, so you have to seek out the path to learning it yourself. A therapist is the first step in leaning how to be happy. And frankly, that's more important than anything you're going to learn in college, in my opinion.

 

So you failed at something. Bleh, we all do, again and again. Even the folks you think haven't. They just cover it up differently. And some of those things you think are failures - aren't. They're just experiences. Some of those things you think are big deals - aren't. Again, just experiences, to put up on the shelf and laugh at later. Forgive yourself for messing up - it's ok. We all mess up. And we all need help to keep perspective so the negatives don't become overwhelming. It's why boards like this exist. It's why therapists exist. It's not easy, but you can be happy. It takes a little time to claw your way out of depression - but you can do it. Ask for help, and decide you want to be happy. These are the first steps.

[Cynder]

The therapists I've seen have done more harm then good. Therapy isn't the answer for problems like this. Unfortunately I'm going through the same thing right now and I don't know what the answer is.

[NightLily]

Thanks you guys. I have had trouble finding a job after I broke my foot.. but I just got a call back from Wal-Mart. I know that sounds lame but I live in the middle of nowhere and there really isn't much around. Still, considering how hard it is to find a job, I would be happy to work there. I would most likely be working the night shift though which I am fine with. I prefer the night over the day anyways. I spend a lot of my time working on things.. painting, music, singing, working on my piano skills, working out, walking, reading, studying.. trying to get a job XD.... Sometimes I watch TV.

 

Jd- I guess the thought of therapy makes me feel anxious even though I have already tried it. Once I told a therapist I felt like I should remove myself from the gene pool because of my issues and he said.. some of us are just genetically weaker. The other one would be nearly falling asleep, answering her phone, and going on about herself. I wasn't sure if that was some sort of therapy technique but it made me feel walked on even more so than I already did after violent relationship and everything else that had happened during the time. It was seriously like.. Requiem for a Dream.. without the drugs. I don't understand how things can get so horrible. So quick. And there are no happy times.. must be. I'll think about it.

 

Worriedgirl-I don't like to think about my body decomposing and that is one thing that stops me. Morbid I know but it sorta works..

[NightLily]

This is a great post. One thing I should perhaps add though is that I have been struggling with suicidal depression for over a decade now. It will get a little better for a little while. I onyl ever tried to kill myself once though (when I was 12). After that I would just hang on by my nails and take extreme measures to not kill myself. Set rules like.. I can only die by no food/water in the hopes that I would give in. This is one of the aspects that makes this all so difficult.. it is never ending. Even when I was 6 I wrote in my diary that I should kill myself by jumping out the window. In a lot of ways my childhood was total crap.

[Jd1983]

A job is a job, as long as you have some income coming in.

 

You sound like you do a lot of things to keep busy. You should feel very talented.

 

Is there another therapist that you can go to? Not all therapist can help, perhaps you just went to one that isn't as suitable for you.

[The Archer]

That is true.. but I honestly usually feel like therapists are just your average joe's with a degree.. I don't see how they could possibly be able to help. No words have ever helped long term. I think it might just make me feel even more ashamed of myself. I feel like I need to try to get through this on my own and not label myself a sick person in need of therapy even though that might be what I am. I don't know.. I need to toughen up.

 

Sometimes it’s a good idea to toughen up but we also need to be vulnerable to be able to work through our fears and hurt. Things don’t just go away because we are not thinking about them.

 

Do you cry much? I remember once going through a really tough time. I cried myself to sleep for months and months every night without fail. I had so much pain inside me and it was like letting it all out. Very scary experience though because the pain went on for so long I thought it might kill me. I wasn’t sure how much emotional pain the body could take before it stopped working…

As it happen it took about 12 months to feel better. I didn’t try and protect myself though. I often worried that I was “wallowing” in my pain and making a bigger deal out of it than it needed to be but looking back on all this it was the right thing to do.

 

There is a line though because I’ve met people who have intentionally held themselves back from being happy. It’s like being depressed becomes a safe place to be.

 

You do need support though. We all need people who care about us.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Suzy, I think you should stop blaming your genes. You say you had an abusive family, that's enough to make most people have mental problems for a long long time.

 

I always thought about it too, since I was a kid, which is odd because I had a good childhood. Sometimes I feel that life is just not for me, I'm not designed to be able to face all the difficulties in life. One thing that helps is to think that nothing really matters, stop caring about life and what people think and just focus on the simple joys you can get from it.

[AndiD]

It sounds to me like you were dealt a rough hand to begin with, and now you're somewhere that doesn't have a whole lot of options for help. That's excellent that you got a job at Walmart. If you can, try to save a little each day, even if its only a dollar. Then get the heck out of that town and get somewhere larger, with better therapists. Therapy can hurt as you work through various issues, but it's a short term hurt for a long term payoff. But it has to be good therapists, which is definitely not what you've dealt with based on your post. A bad therapist, like a bad family, is useless at best and detrimental at worst.

 

Believe me, there are worse things than being alone. Being with people who are bad for you is worse, to me. And its really hard to realize how big the world really is at certaiin points in life, and certain situations. You (generalized you, meaning me when I was younger) look around at the world and think, dang, this is it? This is as good as it gets? What's the point? But really, there's so much more out there. I wish I could transfer that feeling somehow, so that you'd be able to know there's a light at the end of tunnel. Please don't give up on learning to be happy - whether its a trained therapist, books, boards like this one, whatever. I'm here to tell you, you can go from where you are now to being happy- it is a possible thing. You have an unfair extra challenge because of a bad family, but its just that - a challenge, not a wall. You can be happy. And when I say don't give up, I don't just mean to not kill yourself - obviously don't do that. But don't just make survival your long term goal - make being happy your long term goal. You can be happy, and believe me even though it feels like you're alone and that the pain you feel makes you abnormal or different, and it feels like it must be that life is just that way for you - i've been there. i know others who have been there. Again, it takes time and I'm not going to tell you for a minute that its easy because its not - but I will tell you that in spite of it all, you CAN be happy in the long run. Please take that to heart if you can.

 

I'm sorry if I'm harping on that in an annoying manner. I just wish I'd had someone to tell me back them, and make me understand back then that there was so much more out there, and that I could be happy some day.

[NightLily]

Jd- there are not many that accept my insurance in the area.. actually there are only two. I thought about it and chickened out. It is so daunting to have to drag all of that back out and I don't really want anybody to get to know me. Even a therapist. I say some details here.. but even then. I feel ashamed to talk about myself (too self centered)

 

Archer-.. I have cried nearly every single day for the past decade it does help a little to finally break through for a bit. I have being trying to get over things and move forward but there had always been something that came along worse than the last. I think I already had my "grand finale" for my whole entire life about 1.5 ish years ago but now there is a huge mess. I try not to wallow.. I have been trying..

 

worriedgirl-why did you think about it with a good childhood? I don't mean "what was wrong with you?!" but I mean.. what triggered it? For me it was pretty much the screaming, rage, constant chaos, moving every year, having zero friends, getting beat up (I mean as a small small child.. these things wouldn't have made me suicidal as a teenager).. having really nobody to talk to about anything. I was also singled out by my mom and put on a strict zero sugar diet from the time I was two. I wasn't fat. She also drove off without me in the middle of nowhere in Japan when I was 4.. that didn't help. Oh well I won't continue into the details. When I was young (under ten) I thought it was all normal though. I thought I had it good. lol

[The Archer]

The fact that you feel ashamed is a worry. Do you realise that your experiences as a toddler/child have a massive impact on who you are as an adult? Because I’m kinda thinking your not giving this concept enough weight. This is the most important time for a person. When you were a baby did your mum respond when you were upset? Were you breast feed? Did you have that special bond?

Hard to know the answers to questions like that but all that stuff is important for a person to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.

 

It really sounds like you had a crap childhood. I had the opposite, and even though I know all about emotional pain I had that to balance things out.

 

Like many people I think you are a victim of circumstance. It was your parents responsibility to provide you with love, affection, boundaries, support etc Sounds like they failed miserably and that’s not your fault.

 

In these circumstances almost everyone would be struggling. Most people are “ok” because they were just plain lucky. You were unlucky.

 

Sometimes you just have to say to yourself “ok I’ve been dealt a crap deal here but I cant change that. I just need to work on making decisions that will help my future”.

 

And I’m sure you are but do you really understand how much harder you have it? I cant help but think if you fully understood that then you wouldn’t feel ashamed.

Plenty of people out there struggle with life and they’ve had a much better start than you.

Although AndiD is right, it’s definitely possible for you to be happy. Some of the most compassionate and understanding people out there are people like yourself that have gone through so much. Believe me you are valuable!

 

Please hang in there! And don’t try and protect yourself to much, this approach could really sabotage your healing. I know you probably don’t feel like you have much strength left for being vulnerable but if your as low as you are, then what have you got to loose?

 

By being vulnerable I mean stuff like being brutally honest with yourself, making new friends, talking to a therapist, changing study, changing location. Doing what ever it takes.

As long as you are alive you should fight.

[doityourself]

SuzyQ-

 

I know we havent seen eye to eye on alot of things but it sounds like you have so much going for you. Do you think the stress of school is bringing this on? Heck with all the extra activities that you do, do you get a chance to sit down and just be? I would love to have some talents and hobbies that you have, I get bored so easy that most of the time Im just here.

 

I know about friends, sometimes I feel like I want to go out and stand on the side of the road with a sign that says NEED FRIENDS-likes: camping, hiking, reading, just hanging out.

 

I know that sounds stupid, but sometimes I feel that desperate. I miss the days being able to walk around the mall with a girl. I would love to have a girls opinion on some clothes, how to dress. (esp since I missed the whole girl gene)

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry your down, hang on- hopefully the up is right around the corner.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm not sure...I mean I didn't have a very peaceful childhood, but in general it wasn't really bad. I had friends, my parents were generally nice etc. But I still thought about how something is missing from my life and thought about death. Sometimes I found myself sad/crying in the middle of an happy event. Like I said, sometimes I just feel like life is not designed for someone like me.

 

I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood. Honestly I think the fact that you don't have friends and are always lonely worsen your situation tremendously. Maybe you just have to think of ways to hang out with and get to know more people.

[NightLily]

My mom would blame me as a child that I just have trouble adjusting. But I don't know how I am supposed to adjust if we are constantly moving and I have nothing to hang onto. Both of my parents also grew up moving all of the time. And I thought they also both grew up in families that never said I love you. Nope, turns out they just never had the desire to say that to me ever. Ugh ranting. I agree about the "been dealt a crap deal... help my future" quote.. I have thought that myself many times but as hard as you try to move on I still cry every day feeling sad over how my life has been and IS. I keep thinking I will strive towards something but am held back. And in the end I guess what holds me back is the depression effecting my school work.

 

About being vunerable.. there are only two people I have ever been attatched to.. one when I was 13-16. He was my first boyfriend. He was also 19 when I met him. He was cheating on me the whole time and treated me like crap (my parents didn't know because they weren't around). Second was my last ex. He was cheating on me the whole time. I NEVER EVER would have thought that was the case. I dunno.. I feel like the only person that would want to be close to me at the point would be some guy with a hero complex and I don't want to need to be saved.

 

 

 

School I think might actually help a little bit as it is a distraction. I think the two main things making this worse right now is I guess wanting affection from a guy and realizing I will never get it. Looking at my body in the mirror and feeling so horribly disgusted that I can't even think about it. I don't even know what to do about it. I'll be honest that I have only had 300 calories to eat today and that I feel it is something I have to do. To ever find happiness.

 

One thing that stops me from connecting with people is that I am ashamed of my body and don't want them to see me.. The thought of being able to not eat much for a long time though does actually make me feel sort of happy.

 

 

 

Yes.. the loneliness I think contributes a lot. I have no clue how to get around it though. There aren't many people where I live.. and I see hardly anybody around my age. I can think of one person who is not toooo far away that I should reconnect with. Well we email but I haven't seen him in awhile. It is an idea.

[xXBrokenSoulXx]

Im here if you need someone to talk to

[red_sky_girl]

Hi suzy...I guess you are the girl on your avatar ....you are a beautiful women with some extraordinary blu eyes.

Family is very important for our growth as children...i dont know how old are you know...but if you are adult enough i think you should find help from someone or people your trust and that are wise to help you move in the direction you would like to go.It is so hard sometimes to go through our trials and our difficulties...but there is hope and possibility anytime...nothing is impossible...You just need to start desiring your life, wanting yourself back and finding your inner world again...we lose ourselves sometimes but not forever..just for a season.Please find help from people who feel you can trust and share your situation and accept their help...noone is left alone in this worls...there are always people...or angels...around us to help us in a middle of a crisis or in difficult situation.

 

Wish you well and hugs from red