When is it ok to flirt in a relationship (Long or short term)???

[InaDaze87]

I haven't been on here in awhile but I just encountered a new topic for relationships. My girlfriend and I were having one of those "open" discussions about has either of us ever thought about cheating during our 2 year relationship. I know.. what were we thinking right??? Anyway she answered yes but it was nothing serious like she was actually considering it; just the occasional girl in relationship sees hot guy and gets tongue tied if he even says hey in passing. Ok cool...right? Everybody encounters someone that they find attractive at least twice a month right? Moving on.....I agreed with her that was the same way for me. So then she goes on to the topic of "yeah and sometimes I like to flirt with those hot guys"?!!! I'm like WHAT!!!! flirting is a whole different ball game. I mean I myself even feel guilty sometimes for being even attracted to another woman that I may see on a regular basis. Anyway we seem to have a difference of opinion on the whole when is flirting ok in a relationship. She feels it's ok as long as nothing happens (whatever that means), I feel like it's kinda like saying hey I'm open for business type deal that could lead to trouble so why even go there. What do you guys think?

[Batya33]

I think harmless flirting is fine - and that would be where the other person knows it's harmless flirting, and where you're not playing with fire - if you know you're attracted to the other person or the other person is attracted to you and would feel lead on if you flirted, then it's not ok. My best guy friend and I (we are both married) joke around at times, he'll compliment my looks "you're cute as a button" but we know 100% that it is harmless, that we have no intention of taking it any further or to any inappropriate level. We've never dated.

[Jd1983]

I think it's really based on preference. Some people don't think it's a big deal and others do.

 

Personally, I would not like it at all, but that's just my preference. It's one thing finding a guy attractive, and it's another engaging in a conversation that implies you're available. I've been attracted to other people, and when they tried to talk to me in the streets, I just ignore them and keep it moving.

 

What matters most is how you feel about it, and if it bothers you, you need to let your gf know about it.

[Mauxly]

I think harmless flirting is fine - and that would be where the other person knows it's harmless flirting, and where you're not playing with fire - if you know you're attracted to the other person or the other person is attracted to you and would feel lead on if you flirted, then it's not ok. My best guy friend and I (we are both married) joke around at times, he'll compliment my looks "you're cute as a button" but we know 100% that it is harmless, that we have no intention of taking it any further or to any inappropriate level. We've never dated.

 

I agree with this. I think flirting while in a relationship is actually healthy. It can fan the fire in your own sex life by serving as a gentle reminder that, yep, you still got it goin' on!

 

However, it is a fine line. I personally do not flirt with people that I'm actually attracted to or could ever see myself with. That's when it goes from fanning the fire of the existing relationship, to playing with the kind of fire that could burn the existing relationship to the ground.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's a fine line to walk.

 

To flirt in the sense that you WANT the opposite sex's attention is wrong.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

Well I agree with you in that consistent incessant flirting sends clear signals that they’re open to the possibility of something happening. Maybe they are keeping their options open for a quick rebound if things go bad with their SO. Maybe they are interested in messing around with or sleeping with the other person. Maybe they are tempted to trade up. Maybe they are trying to convince themselves that it’s ‘harmless’ and therefore ok but aren’t being completely honest with themselves that a part of them kind of wants it to take a direction towards something more.

 

The occasional flirty moment is probably unlikely to go anywhere and may be a bit harmless if they avoid letting it go too far. These moments are more likely to happen with someone they are unlikely to cross paths with ever again. This is of course assuming they don’t let it lead to something like an ONS. When people start exchanging phone numbers, seeing each other almost everyday such as coworkers and they flirt over a long period of time it’s hard for me to interpret that as ‘harmless’. I tend to question their real motives.

 

In any case they are deliberately playing with fire and the further it goes the more likely it is they will end up cheating and that someone is going to get hurt. At the least it’s disrespectful to their bf or gf and is likely to hurt them and make them feel insecure. It’s also possible they will end up totally misleading the person they are ‘harmlessly’ flirting around with and hurt them. At the worst they may end up actually cheating.

 

If more people bothered to ask themselves how they’d feel if they were on the receiving end of the behavior they are exhibiting, in this case if it was their bf or gf that was flirting around ‘harmlessly’ with someone else, then maybe they’d understand why it’s not cool to be the one doing it to their SO. But too many people are selfish and don’t take such things into consideration. They play by the 'I can do whatever I want and you have to accept that because I will not let you control me' rule but expect the other person play by a completely different set of rules where if anything offends them then the other person is being 'insensitive' and 'uncaring'.

[DN]

Flirting can be misleading to the person be flirted with, it can lead to infidelity and it can make a partner very insecure and break up a good relationship.

 

Other than that - it's harmless.

[InaDaze87]

I agree with this. I think flirting while in a relationship is actually healthy. It can fan the fire in your own sex life by serving as a gentle reminder that, yep, you still got it goin' on!

 

However, it is a fine line. I personally do not flirt with people that I'm actually attracted to or could ever see myself with. That's when it goes from fanning the fire of the existing relationship, to playing with the kind of fire that could burn the existing relationship to the ground.

 

As healthy as it may seem...but how do you know right at the exact moment you decide to flirt with someone other than you partner; if you could actually see yourself with the new found flirt or not in the future??? I mean I personally didnt think while flirting with my now gf of 2 years that 2 YEARS later we would be in love?

[Stay_home]

You're not going to ever go far enough or meet enough people in this world to not be attracted to any of them. It happens and you're a friggin' human being. There are plenty of beautiful women in the world besides the one you're with and by God, you're going to look at them. As long as you don't cross the line, you're alright.

[Imprecision]

If I'm in a relationship with a girl, then I would not permit her to flirt with other guys.

 

However, it is impossible to know whether she's flirting behind you. Therefore, the only solution is to improve yourself so that she's sufficiently in love with you not to pay attention to other guys. Also, when you are sufficiently confident in your own value, you won't care anymore.

[Mauxly]

As healthy as it may seem...but how do you know right at the exact moment you decide to flirt with someone other than you partner; if you could actually see yourself with the new found flirt or not in the future??? I mean I personally didnt think while flirting with my now gf of 2 years that 2 YEARS later we would be in love?

 

How do I know? Personally?

Random guy in bar/party - This is OK because this is NOT going to go anywhere.

I'm attracted to him, he's in my age range, I think he's hot. - This is NOT OK.

Someone I work with, go to school with, is part of my social circle - NOT OK.

 

Maybe we need to define flirting a bit. I don't mean leading someone on. That's just mean to the other person. But banter, chatty, a little bit of a wink and a nod. Harmless...IF, and only IF you know that is all it is.

 

For instance, my boyfriend and I were in a bar in Cali last weekend. I super hot girl fell in love with his shirt and asked him if they could trade right there and then. He said, "Yup, but only for a minute." He took his shirt off, she took hers off (see through bra by the way), and traded for pictures, arms around each other. I wasn't even slightly jealous. He is hot, of course he's going to get flirted with.

 

I met a very cute guy the same night, same bar, who was way too young for me. But I enjoyed the attention. We had a drink, smoked a cigarette, and when I could tell he thought, "...hey, maybe..." I told him, "I know this is kind of blunt, but my super awesome boyfriend is in there, I just like talking to you." The guy was cool with it. I'll never see him again. And I know my boyfriend was fine with it.

 

Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean that you own them and can or should control every aspect of their sexuality. It means that you trust them to make wise decisions.

 

For the record, I could never ever stand my ex flirting with other women because, well, he was a snake and I could feel it in my gut long before he proved it by cheating on me. I never trusted that guy.

[InaDaze87]

I completely agree with the part about not not controlling someone's sexuality and/or owning them. I even agree with the having random convo with another person at the bar. But to send the invite with a wink, nod, or some suggestive signal that says "hey lets flirt I think your hot" I feel is completely wrong if you are in any type of serious monogamous relationship.

 

It's like grabbing your fishing gear, going to the lake, then telling the fish "I'm only her to play tennis" LOL!!! It's just not cool. That's not to say that you are not going to be attracted to other people, it's just saying "hey I respect my partner more than to just flirt with random hot people at the bar just cause it's fun and I'm a sexual being".

 

I'm 23 and love to have fun and flirt butt off with girls..."when I'm single". Lol that's how I met my gf!! I feel like we all should have more control over our actions and not try to cop out by saying "well I'm hot and sexy...can't help but to involve myself in flirting even though I have a partner".

 

The situation with your ex proves the seriousness of the situation. Of course you can now say that you always expected him to cheat cause he was a snake. Sorry but you have to "flirt" with someone before you know you want to cheat with them.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

That’s the thing, flirting a little with a random stranger and making sure it doesn’t go anywhere is probably not a big deal. People do flirt. But it should not be an ongoing thing, lead to an exchange of contact information, prolonged contact, texting, IMing, facebooking, myspacing and calling. I’ve seen this happen and it’s happened to me. What starts off as ‘innocent’ flirting often doesn’t stay so ‘innocent’. Yet you are supposed to believe it’s all ‘harmless’ and there’s no ulterior motive behind any of it? A girl tells you she has a bf and then wants to give you her nbr, start calling, texting, using pet names and generally taking an affectionate and flirty tone with you and yet that’s not suspicious? Most guys would think she is after more than just a new ‘friend’.

 

So I would think her bf is very naive or stupid if he sees any of this going on and actually believes her when she tries to tell him she and this guy she is flirting back and forth with are ‘just pals’. I even knew a girl who felt like a guy was being overly controlling if he had a problem with her going out with other guy ‘friends’ until the wee hours of the morning without her bf along. Yet turn it around and these same girls get jealous if even another girl’s name is mentioned or there is even insinuation that another girl finds you attractive. She can flirt, you can’t, she can have guy ‘friends’ but you can’t have girl ‘friends’. She can hang out with her guy ‘friends’ and you have to trust her but you can’t hang out with girl ‘friends’ because everyone knows men are dogs and are only after one thing. So if you hang out with a girl 'friend' then you must have screwed her. It takes two to tango and I’ve known many girls that despite bfs or fiancés liked to initiate the dance.

 

Interesting how that works. Anyway that’s more of a rant than anything. I just think it’s not cool if a girl is flirting around consistently with the same ‘hot’ guys because it’s only natural to wonder why she feels the need for their validation when how you feel about her should be what matters. You can’t help but wonder what she actually wants or feels she needs from them.

[greywolf]

It's ok when your partner isn't around.

 

In all seriousness, I think flirting is ok, but everyone is different. I flirt, my boyfriend flirts; that's just the type of relationship we have and we're both comfortable with it.

[Mauxly]

I completely agree with the part about not not controlling someone's sexuality and/or owning them. I even agree with the having random convo with another person at the bar. But to send the invite with a wink, nod, or some suggestive signal that says "hey lets flirt I think your hot" I feel is completely wrong if you are in any type of serious monogamous relationship.

 

I think I lead you astray with the 'wink and a nod' quote. It was more of a Monty Python reference and not be taken literally. Yes, I believe that an actual physical wink is going overboard and isn't fair to either the other person or your significant other. It is simply disrespectful. It would show that you and this other person know something that your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't know. And that alone is smarmy.

 

I'm pretty sure we are on the same page here. By flirting, I mean very mild, and very open (i.e. nothing you'd feel the need to hide from your partner) kind of stuff.

 

Actually, I think that gets to the root of it. If you think it would make your partner uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it, period.

 

Personally, I don't really have a problem with my boyfriend mildly flirting with the ladies. Of course I may be back here singing a different tune later on...ya never know.

[pl3asehelp]

Flirting (link removed ) is a way to indicate sexual or romantic interest in someone, which isn't ok when you're in a monogamous relationship. It's fine to have a crush, be attracted, whatever, but once you start communicating this to your object of desire, you've crossed a line. What do you expect to happen when you flirt with someone? They will assume you're interested and return the flirtation, then what? You tell them 'sorry, I'm not really interested in you, I was just amusing myself at your expense'. That sounds really selfish. I think if you're flirting you're not being honest with yourself about what your motives are. To describe flirting as harmless, you must have your own definition.

[greywolf]

Flirting (link removed ) is a way to indicate sexual or romantic interest in someone, which isn't ok when you're in a monogamous relationship. It's fine to have a crush, be attracted, whatever, but once you start communicating this to your object of desire, you've crossed a line. What do you expect to happen when you flirt with someone? They will assume you're interested and return the flirtation, then what? You tell them 'sorry, I'm not really interested in you, I was just amusing myself at your expense'. That sounds really selfish. I think if you're flirting you're not being honest with yourself about what your motives are. To describe flirting as harmless, you must have your own definition.

 

Most people don't think that if someone flirts with them that it automatically means they're going to start dating.

[DN]

Most people don't think that if someone flirts with them that it automatically means they're going to start dating.

I agree although a lot depends on the kind of flirting that goes on.