Online dating frustrations

[laboheme]

It's sad to see how few good candidates there are out there. I've been using a popular free site for a while now, but it's fruitless. Back in my hometown, the site produced so many great matches! Here, in a metropolitan area that's at least ten times the size of the hometown, there seem to be none -- even though when I enter in the most basic criteria (say, men age 24-30, within 30 miles), I get well over 1000 results...none of whom seem compatible with me.

 

Religious views alone alienate the vast majority of the candidates. Poor profiles (u know tHe 1s thAt r like thIS) further whittle down the pool. If I do see someone who seems like a decent person, he's inevitably quite overweight (does saying that make me a bad person?). Most of the rest of them all look great on the outside, but their profiles are written as though they are just overgrown frat boys (if the profile mentions nothing but bars, drinking, and ESPN, that's probably a bad sign, right?). And the ones that are left...well, over the past couple of years I've gone out on dates with what seems like all ten of them, give or take a few.

 

I'm not posting this because I have a specific problem for you guys to solve; I just needed to vent. Seriously, how can it be that a city full of young professionals (indeed, this city is almost nothing BUT young professionals), the choices are so limited? Do you think I'd have better luck on a more "serious" site like link removed?

[Cadence44]

I think your issue might be that you're using a free site.

 

If you're looking for a professional guy who is relationship minded, a free site may not be the place to find them.

[newwave]

It's sad to see how few good candidates there are out there. I've been using a popular free site for a while now, but it's fruitless. Back in my hometown, the site produced so many great matches! Here, in a metropolitan area that's at least ten times the size of the hometown, there seem to be none -- even though when I enter in the most basic criteria (say, men age 24-30, within 30 miles), I get well over 1000 results...none of whom seem compatible with me.

 

Religious views alone alienate the vast majority of the candidates. Poor profiles (u know tHe 1s thAt r like thIS) further whittle down the pool. If I do see someone who seems like a decent person, he's inevitably quite overweight (does saying that make me a bad person?). Most of the rest of them all look great on the outside, but their profiles are written as though they are just overgrown frat boys (if the profile mentions nothing but bars, drinking, and ESPN, that's probably a bad sign, right?). And the ones that are left...well, over the past couple of years I've gone out on dates with what seems like all ten of them, give or take a few.

 

I'm not posting this because I have a specific problem for you guys to solve; I just needed to vent. Seriously, how can it be that a city full of young professionals (indeed, this city is almost nothing BUT young professionals), the choices are so limited? Do you think I'd have better luck on a more "serious" site like link removed]

 

This is exactly the problem I had on the free sites, along with the guy who didn't read what I was looking for. However, I also did Match and while I met some decent people, I also met bad people there. I will not do online dating again unless I exhaust all options.

[solsticefall]

I think everybody has their complaints about online dating. I've tried it now for about three weeks and I've yet to get one reply, let alone a date. It's too theoretical... too easy to find faults in people before you even talk to them. There's too many inconsistencies of communication.

 

For example: I was told the other day by a friend-girl of mine that by bypassing the whole send-5-questions routine in eHarmony and going straight to email - which was simply my attempt at actually trying to have Real Human Contact instead of hiding behind a computer screen like I'm video-game dating - that I was sending the "I'm desperate" vibe. Yup. Not the "I'm not conventional" vibe or the "I don't live life between the yellow lines" vibe. Nope. It comes accross to women as "I'm desperate" or "Wanna Hook-up?". Why? Probably because they're *looking* for a reason to click Delete.

 

Here's probably another good one. I consider myself to be a very smart, kind, gentle, caring, laid-back, easy-going spirit. I *know* that I will make a great friend and an even better lover. But I'm Divorced. It doesn't matter that I married my first girlfriend, that we never argue, that we hold no animosity towards each other, or that we started our relationship when we were teenagers. The circumstances of our separation is moot. Because I'm Divorced and 30yo, I'm considered damaged goods, not ideal... not Perfect. That - and possibly my receding hairline - is apparently all that's needed for women to click Delete.

[shy2cool]

It's sad to see how few good candidates there are out there. I've been using a popular free site for a while now, but it's fruitless. Back in my hometown, the site produced so many great matches! Here, in a metropolitan area that's at least ten times the size of the hometown, there seem to be none -- even though when I enter in the most basic criteria (say, men age 24-30, within 30 miles), I get well over 1000 results...none of whom seem compatible with me.

 

Religious views alone alienate the vast majority of the candidates. Poor profiles (u know tHe 1s thAt r like thIS) further whittle down the pool. If I do see someone who seems like a decent person, he's inevitably quite overweight (does saying that make me a bad person?). Most of the rest of them all look great on the outside, but their profiles are written as though they are just overgrown frat boys (if the profile mentions nothing but bars, drinking, and ESPN, that's probably a bad sign, right?). And the ones that are left...well, over the past couple of years I've gone out on dates with what seems like all ten of them, give or take a few.

 

I'm not posting this because I have a specific problem for you guys to solve; I just needed to vent. Seriously, how can it be that a city full of young professionals (indeed, this city is almost nothing BUT young professionals), the choices are so limited? Do you think I'd have better luck on a more "serious" site like link removed]

 

I'm probably someone that you would be looking for.

 

However, because I don't have a chiselled jaw, nor a six-pack, nor am I a musician, you'd reject my request to even contact you.

(sorry, this is just my experience - lovely well rounded girls that say they are looking for a decent guy)

 

I am also using eHarmony as well and have found NO women which I would be interested in contacting. All I would like to meet is a fun, easy going female that is at least somewhat attractive. My standards aren't too high because I have had males criticise some of the women in which I have found to be attractive.

[Philos]

I'm probably someone that you would be looking for.

 

However, because I don't have a chiselled jaw, nor a six-pack, nor am I a musician, you'd reject my request to even contact you.

(sorry, this is just my experience - lovely well rounded girls that say they are looking for a decent guy)

 

I am also using eHarmony as well and have found NO women which I would be interested in contacting. All I would like to meet is a fun, easy going female that is at least somewhat attractive. My standards aren't too high because I have had males criticise some of the women in which I have found to be attractive.

 

Same. I'm actually a musician though lol, and I still don't get replies. My standards aren't that high either, and that goes for physical attraction too. I've messaged plenty of girls that are 5s and 6s by society's standards.

 

Almost all girls looking for relationships shop for their perfect dream guy, their perfect type, whereas guys get hosed. Any guy who is picky about who he messages online won't find anyone unless he's extremely lucky. We are a lot better off getting dates looking for girls in real life.

[laboheme]

Hm. The thing is, it's not that the guys who seem to have a good personality aren't "perfect" -- it's that they are objectively unattractive. I mean weight issues, greasy stringy hair, acne. And the rest (who are above a 2 by society's standards) almost all present the barriers that I listed in my original post.

 

It must be a regional thing! At least I hope so. Like I said, in my hometown, I had no problem finding good guys on the very same site. I guess in my current city it attracts a different crowd. Which means that I have to give up on dating until I'm done with grad school, I guess.

 

Do you guys mean to say that musicians generally attract more girls? Huh. I can honestly say that it wouldn't affect my opinion of the guy one way or the other. Guess I'm not much of a music gal?

[tingkong]

I bet it is the region for the guys you want to meet. I don't know why a guy would write in his profile that he likes beer, espn and bars because logically all men like those things so its not a very definitive description ;-) I've been on P.O.F. for about three weeks now and every message that I've sent out hasn't been answered but I have received dozens from some nice girls and Its cool to chat it up with them whether they are cute or not.

[solsticefall]

Today I sent "5 questions" to a girl that I found marginally attractive based on her only picture. I said to myself, "Hey, it could have been a bad picture. You two could have much more in common than you think. Just get to know her, the worst that will happen is that you make a new acquaintance."

 

Seconds later I saw that she viewed my profile. Hours later still no response.

 

It's really difficult not to question yourself when this crap happens. I never thought I was an ugly person, but now I wonder. Or is it something I said in my profile? Maybe it's that I'm divorced? Am I totally ostracized now because I'm divorced?? But wait, if I had better looks then my divorce really wouldn't matter. So I'm ugly??? Oh crap... I'm ugly AND divorced???

[Ms.Lady]

Today I sent "5 questions" to a girl that I found marginally attractive based on her only picture. I said to myself, "Hey, it could have been a bad picture. You two could have much more in common than you think. Just get to know her, the worst that will happen is that you make a new acquaintance."

 

Seconds later I saw that she viewed my profile. Hours later still no response.

 

It's really difficult not to question yourself when this crap happens. I never thought I was an ugly person, but now I wonder. Or is it something I said in my profile? Maybe it's that I'm divorced? Am I totally ostracized now because I'm divorced?? But wait, if I had better looks then my divorce really wouldn't matter. So I'm ugly??? Oh crap... I'm ugly AND divorced???

 

 

That's why I hate online dating because most people judge you by your pics alone and it just maybe that you're just not a good pic taker but look a lot better in person. Most of the people are very superficial online anyway.. If you don't look like some great supermodel.. you're probably going to be ignored which sucks. That's why I gave up on it, just bad experiences all around and it seem like most of the people I encountered had some sort of issue anyway...

[newwave]

I bet it is the region for the guys you want to meet. I don't know why a guy would write in his profile that he likes beer, espn and bars because logically all men like those things so its not a very definitive description ;-) I've been on P.O.F. for about three weeks now and every message that I've sent out hasn't been answered but I have received dozens from some nice girls and Its cool to chat it up with them whether they are cute or not.

 

Any guy that would write he liked beer, espn and bars would get an automatic delete. Hate those types of guys.

[shy2cool]

I have a good personality, and am at least of average attractiveness. I have tried contacting even slightly overweight girls, the ones that guys wouldn't even consider and I still get nothing in return.

[The Wire]

I've gotta say I started 'lowering my standards' as it were the other week, even though I didn't think they were that high to begin with, and I'm genuinely surprised I'm still not getting anywhere. I've started messaging girls who were larger, taller, more Plain Jane looking, some who I was only mildly attracted to but had similar interests, and some that I clearly wasn't suited for at all judging from what they wanted, I'm kinda just shooting blind now, I figure at worst I might make a friend or two. Nada. I've kinda gotten to the stage now where I'm less worried about getting a date a more worried about just getting some contact with someone, anyone! I refuse to believe I'm not datable or at the very least friendship material. My next option is to remove my deal breakers all together, smoking, drugs and kids, I don't really want to do that as I've got to draw the line somewhere, but where I'm living there isn't a massive number of girls online and the sign up rate for new members is slow.

[Philos]

This post is golden. It exactingly explains about 95% of guys' experiences on dating websites.

 

My first experience online, about a year and a half ago, was nice. I made an account, sent 2 messages, nothing. The third girl I messaged became my girlfriend who I hit it off with and lived with for a year. She broke my heart a couple months ago though. Going back onto dating websites, I expected it to be just as easy... boy was I a retard. I started remembering my ex telling me that she talked to a lot of guys but they didn't interest her, weren't attractive, didn't spell or use grammar well, etc, but I did and thats why she went out with me.

 

I was the guy that made it in that case... I've since, after getting dumped, messaged and IM'd with maybe 60+ girls on multiple sites to get nowhere. Kind of like The Wire... I messaged a few at first and got nothing, then I messaged a lot, and eventually I just really messaged about anyone.

 

It's really frustrating as I'm very shy in real life. I'm facing the realization that I'll have to try and pick up girls at the college this year, my final year, before I enter my career.

[Stay_home]

I face a lot of the same challenges using a paid dating website. It's just a testament to how difficult dating really is out here. But it's better than nothing so get as much out of it as you can. Another thing to take into consideration is that many people aren't very good writers so they aren't descriptive about who they are or what it is they want. Last thing to consider is that you're 24. Many people are not very serious at 24 years old so you may have to give them time to catch up. A woman told me this once and I never forgot it.

 

"You definitely are my type... just not right now."

[Philos]

"You definitely are my type... just not right now."

 

God that's the worst. I talked with this girl for a long time online, and then when I asked her out she said 'I can only see myself entering a relationship right away with you, whereas I only really want to play the field right now'.

 

I don't understand that, but... $&@#

[flakate]

I've been on a couple of the free dating sites and I have a question for the guys out there - why are your pictures invariably taken either in the bathroom (I even saw one that was taken in a public restroom - I could see the diaper changing table in the background) or in the car????

[The Wire]

A woman told me this once and I never forgot it.

 

"You definitely are my type... just not right now."

 

I don't get it. That makes no sense.

[Philos]

I've been on a couple of the free dating sites and I have a question for the guys out there - why are your pictures invariably taken either in the bathroom (I even saw one that was taken in a public restroom - I could see the diaper changing table in the background) or in the car????

 

Cause I have to take them and I need a mirror.

 

A bathroom mirror usually shows your face the best in good light. It's up-close which is good for little 2 inch x 2 inch thumbs, and bright.

[bulletproof]

Cause I have to take them and I need a mirror.

 

A bathroom mirror usually shows your face the best in good light. It's up-close which is good for little 2 inch x 2 inch thumbs, and bright.

 

There's not one single person in your life who can take a photo for you?

[Philos]

There's not one single person in your life who can take a photo for you?

 

I don't know, I don't really feel like asking someone to take a bunch of photographs of me for my online profile.

 

You don't want to just take 1-2 photos. You want to take a ton, and pick the best ones. At least for guys, that'll give you the best shot at getting a reply.

[solsticefall]

There's not one single person in your life who can take a photo for you?

 

I think this is "a guy thing".

 

Resorting to online dating isn't exactly something that most guys are proud of and want to tell the world about. Asking someone to take good pictures of you worthy to put on your dating profile is totally humiliating.

 

I think it's simply a lot easier for women to ask other women to take their picture.

[AuthenticAuthor]

A somewhat depressing, if unsurprising, thread.

 

I believe online-dating fails largely because there is a severe lack of imagination in part of the participants. Most expect that having a profile with a picture coupled with some intriguing e-mails will be enough to find someone; it most likely will not. The best I've seen is video-chat, yet somehow (in a world of cheap cheap web cams) these are barely used at all. It's the same case for voice-chat!

 

This suggests to me one thing about people in general; if they see an opportunity to manipulate others, they will do it in spades. Rarely will you find an honest breed. Perhaps what I'm saying only applies to Western cultures, yet there it is.

[Philos]

A somewhat depressing, if unsurprising, thread.

 

I believe online-dating fails largely because there is a severe lack of imagination in part of the participants. Most expect that having a profile with a picture coupled with some intriguing e-mails will be enough to find someone; it most likely will not. The best I've seen is video-chat, yet somehow (in a world of cheap cheap web cams) these are barely used at all. It's the same case for voice-chat!

 

This suggests to me one thing about people in general; if they see an opportunity to manipulate others, they will do it in spades. Rarely will you find an honest breed. Perhaps what I'm saying only applies to Western cultures, yet there it is.

 

You try messaging some girls 'Let's chat on the webcam' and see if you get any replies.

[The Wire]

Talk about frustrations, I've just calculated in the last 2 weeks I've messaged nearly 40 ladies and gotten nothing in return. That's bordering on comical.

 

I can't do anything else other than shrug my shoulders, I've tried, I can only do the best I can with what I've got, and it appears what I've got isn't good enough. I'm officially out of ideas.