I made contact (day 36)

[RayKay]

I am going to chime in and agree with Mix Masters post in less words (good job Mix!).

 

It is clear that a lot of people on here advocate no contact. Which is fine, but it is NOT for everybody, and not for every situation. Every person and every couple is different - thereforeeee the relationship dynamic in every one is different.

 

Staying in contact/making contact or being friends DOES NOT make one a doormat, or make them weak - not unless they carry such an attitude. It IS possible to be friends with your ex, depending on the circumstances of the break up and the people involved and not be strung along.

 

It is NOT about "winning" or "strategizing" to get your ex back. In my case it is about stepping back from the pressures of the relationship, and for us getting to know each other on another level in a mutual hope that we can regain the emotional closeness without the small issues that were seen as problems for him at the time due to the pressure of the relationship. I am not playing games, nor is he. We are open and honest with each other, and I am not trying to present someone I am not. This is a process of change for both of us, and a period of growth. I do fear us growing apart, but I know neither of us wants that to happen either.

 

My ex and I, even though we are not currently in a "romantic relationship" have a bond and a chemistry that has not been broken by this break up - for either of us. Ironically, it is that very bond that has in many ways led to our breakup, since our timing seems to have been very wrong, and he moved to his safe place - "fear" - at the risk of becoming so vulnerable on the "love" side. He has a lot of things to sort out, and I support him in that. I understand that he is not ready, and that he needs to feel like a whole person - he needs to love himself before he can commit to me, and he still has insecurities that prevent him from being fully ready to give to another. He is also scared of forever, he has been hurt in the past, and is scared of failing at his relationship with me - I know that sounds ironic given he has left, but he felt he was not being as good to me as he should be.

 

I have faith we can, and WILL get back together - and that is something that is deep in my heart. It is not always easy to be friends, no. It can be hard to not have security - but then even in relationships we don't have security, as anyone here can now attest. I have accepted that relationships go through changes, and sometimes it requires patience from one person to support the other person in their development of their own personhood. I am not friends with him TO get back together with him. I am friends with him because it feels right to be. Because it feels like how things should be right now, and it does not mean I am going to become "just friends" because of the circumstances of our relationship or breakup. I know my ex, and our relationship better than anyone else here. I am not a doormat. Nor is he stringing me along. It is not like that at all. We both still have love, and respect for one another.

 

Are there days I have doubts - you BET I do. However, I have faith that things will work out as they are meant to, but I am not going to do something that does NOT feel right for us - no contact - to get back at him, or to hurt myself even more. I am not getting less than I deserve, because I do have the choice to leave this situation any time I choose, any time I feel disrespected. He has given me no reason to not trust him right now, and knows too that he has to work to keep that trust. I know if he ever got involved with someone else it would be terribly hard - HOWEVER....I also know he is not going to be serious with anyone else for at least a year, and even then we are going to first see if things can work out between us if I am single myself. In any case, I would hate to lose the friendship in the process.

 

So you can call me a doormat, or tell me I am being strung along and walked on and that I am naive...but the case is I know I am NOT because I still have my inner strength and my inner power. That has not changed. I respect myself and my decision, and I know he respects me for that in turn. We both work at our friendship/relationship, even if it has changed due to certain reasons. But we both also are open to working things out again between us when the time is right, when he is in a place to be ready and to open his heart without fear. I love him, I respect him, I trust him - I am not trying to manipulate him, or push him, or trick him. Only I really know my ex, and the circumstances of the breakup and his personality, fears, hopes in life...and thereforeeee only I can make the appropriate choice on what kind of relationship we have now. This is the same for all of you. Sometimes you are forced into a decision, but when you have the choice, truly analyze the situation and make the best decision for YOU and THEM. Don't do something just because everyone tells you that is what you SHOULD do, or HAVE to do.

 

And that is my $0.02 worth (that is in Canadian change too )

[tiny_alice]

But I'd like to clear that up with, so why is it then that one MUST "move on" and forget about the ex, they're the ones that dumped you so fuk them and ANYTHING ELSE but doing that is "holding on" or living in denial or being arrogant or ignorant.

 

Can you clarify that one?

 

hell most of our exes aren't INTENTIONALLY doing this crap as most of us just over-analyze our situations to death and bring it upon ourselves so when you say that we've done enough that really means we've made ourselves suffer enough for our ex and they don't deserve to do that to us when we're doing it to ourselves

 

True, but when your ex (such as in dan's and other's case) is telling you that there is no chance or it's over or stop calling me, that's not self-induced.

 

And fine I agree that they dumped us and found someone else right away and you feel you can't trust them, but they're trying to figure out life too and it would be easy to be labelled a hypocrite because honestly WOULDN'T YOU all do the same thing in the same situation? Or would YOU like to sit back and get depressed and sad and hate your life, realize they're trying to NOT get in that situation.

 

Some of us would rather go through a mourning period, because that's natural and expected. Many will find a rebound person, but I think many of us, like myself have a support network of family & friends that help me through this. Sorry, but from a fem's perspective - going from man to man to man after break-up = slutty to me and for a guy to accept an ex who is going out with man after man to "find herself", breaks the foundation of trust and similar actions is beyond pathetic. All this hearbreak done at the expense of your emotions, heart, soul, feelings, etc. You would take that back?

 

Didn't realize that this would spark all sorts of controversy - seems to me I hit some nerves and hurtful truths.

 

Just in reading the posts, I see some passionate people, stuboorn people, and those that minds are raelly clouded over. It's such a hard thing to deal with - this breakup and getting back.

 

I'll end now...posts are much too long to read and comment on.

[a_little_sparrow]

Well, after posting to this string that looked originally like danimal's personal advice thread, and then getting stomped on, I want to chime in a couple things.

 

Yes, there is a tremendous risk involved with no contact. And that risk is painful and has all sorts of anxieties wrapped up with it. But if my ex were to contact me and come back, I would know, without a doubt, that she is there for me. And the benefits from this come later in the relationship (yes, I know this is presuming that there will be a future relationship after no contact--it's possible). I don't want to be stuck in a mode of overcompensation when I see things going poorly with the relationship. I want to be in a relationship where I'm comfortable with her desire for me and my desire for her.

 

And I think what I'm so critical of with this strategy is how single-minded it is. At no point does there seem to be the possibility of questioning whether this person is the right person. It's assumed that of course this ex is, even when he or she has pulled away. This single-mindedness also ignores the ex's motives, choosing instead to give the ex the answer to her problems. "Who do you love? Me, of course. Why are you even asking that silly question."

 

Love is not conditional. A true love for the other person wants the best for that person and doesn't assume it knows better than the ex what's best for her. And I guess the question I have for people here is would you really be willing to listen receptively to your ex telling you how in love he or she is with someone else? And then part two, could you really listen to that and not feel crumpled with hurt inside?

 

There is no less devotion to a future by giving the ex space, and giving yourself space. One important transition I feel I've made recently is one away from a desperate need to have her back, to a healthy desire to have her in my life again. It might sound like splitting fine hairs, but for my emotional well-being, it's a tremendous shift. And when I read these posts about focusing on re-contact, I just wonder how much of it isn't desperation masked by the need to hide desperation.

 

I sincerely hope the best for everyone on this board, and we're all dealing with individual circumstances that require individual decisions. Will I eventually decide to contact my ex before she contacts me? I don't know. This board definitely helps me to see how I should act should I choose to.

[Beec]

I support the use of NC for soem purposes, but I think it does not bring back an ex. The way you made them feel before the break up can be missed and seeking thsoe feeling again can bring them back. But when you are emotionally in control, then you can also make contact and deliver some fo those feelings, to make them feel special, hopefully wihtout hanging all fo yourself out there. If you can giv ethem emotional fulfillment, i.e. make them feel special, then you stand a much better chance of getting them back. Of course, if you cannot really control your emotions when with them, don't think about it.

[tiny_alice]

I concur with you RayKay and this was not aimed at you personally, but based on many of the posts here, you have to admit that many here (especially the boys) are being strung along, used, or blinded.

 

You would think that they have never went through a breakup before. I mean, no offense boys, but some of you are worse than us girls. I mean it's nice that there is all this hope and whatnot, but you may it sound like we should've never left our first loves to begin with.

 

And if you were a jerl to us, sorry but you blew and why should we take you back? Would you? I don't think so.

[majord23]

 

And I think what I'm so critical of with this strategy is how single-minded it is. At no point does there seem to be the possibility of questioning whether this person is the right person. It's assumed that of course this ex is, even when he or she has pulled away. This single-mindedness also ignores the ex's motives, choosing instead to give the ex the answer to her problems. "Who do you love? Me, of course. Why are you even asking that silly question."

 

Possibly the most accurate thing ever written on this board.

 

Dan, at the time when you first succeeded in getting your ex back, I (and I actually PM'ed a couple of board members saying as much) knew that you were going to lose her again. I didn't want to say it to you at the time, 1) because you wouldn't have listened and 2) it would have sounded a bit like I was raining on your parade.

 

In a nutshell your mistake was thus: you were treating the whole situation as a game mate....you were treating her mean to keep her keen.

It's at this point you have to ask yourself:

Is that a game you have to play in order to keep her?

 

Is there any time where you can actually be honest about your feelings without running the risk of her feeling 'too comfortable' and withdrawing?

 

It seems to me that you were worried about the latter - that if you 'relaxed' and made her aware of how you really felt, that it would have pushed her away.

 

I will say this now Dan: the way you have approached, and are approaching the relationship thusfar is unhealthy. It is based on manipulation of her feelings, exploiting her insecurity and completely selfish.

I am not here to flame, I am calling it as I see it. Let her go Dan....if you truly loved her you would...you are not good for her, and she is not good for you. Simple as that.

[Mix Maxster]

Ok ok,

 

I understand where you are all coming from, but you are using methods yourself. Such as NC or "disappearing" to give hope that if they ever DO COME back you know it's COMPLETELY on their own. And that by doing those things it gives you a better chance because they're forced to miss you and think about you or that's what you're hoping or else they "never deserved our love". I understand that those two things are used strictly as a way to heal and possibly be able to move on and if they come back then you know it's meant to be. That's cool and all, but you're still trying to find hope by using these other methods that make yourself look strong. You say that the ones that are trying to do something about their situation are being stubborn and yet you accuse us of this while trying to pick us apart and never seeing our side, at least we agree with what most of you are saying. On the other hand all I am getting is people saying we're playing a game or using methods or tactics to get our ex back when that's just NOT the way it is! We aren't trying to shoot you down, but I always find the ones that are trying to do something about their situation are always getting ridiculed or labelled as arrogant, ignorant, stubborn or in denial.

 

I get where most of you are coming, but really far too many people say they should just move on and there is always a chance they could come back on their own and you'll know it's sincere, yet you can't even be their friend? Why???? because they don't deserve to be your friend? You're "letting" them off easy? They left us so they need to prove to us that they are deserving of our love??? that sounds to me like a lot of you are either filled with anger or filled with too much emotion and can't control yourselves infront of them. If they came back, all of a sudden you're saying you're going to be different and treat them right and they're going to be perfect and it's ALL going to work out? IT's just as likely that they're going to leave you with them coming back on their own through time passing without you around them as they're coming back on their own with us remaining their friend.

 

Ok to make some points straight, the reason it works is because you lay on the charm just like how I met my ex the first time. That's how I got her, by being me. She fell in love with me because I was a great find and had a lot to offer, but I did a LOT to push her away. I spent time figuring out what those things were and worked on them and still am working on them, that's why I'm being patient with this and not forcing her back. To answer most of those questions as to why we put our exes on this kind of pedastal or why we're giving them this benefit is because we can go either way on it. We aren't desperate for them back, we aren't pathetic and letting them walk all over us... we won't let them and that's the point. We are happy for ourselves and our exes, we realize who we want and why we want them as it wasn't just thought over night.

 

So what is the big difference between your guys' "method" and our "method"? We both want our exes back, we both are letting them to come back to us, we aren't forcing them, we aren't pushing them and we aren't making them choose, everything is their choice, but with our "method" we are giving them more "power" yes, but we WON'T let ourselves be taken advantage of. If we become "friend" status with them, that shouldn't be a problem if you can tell if they're using you or if they're truly being your friend. And I know me personally I am strong enough now to be happy with either because I know I either end up with her or someone else but I want her, but apparently that is a problem because you either want it all or nothing at all. So when it comes down to it apparently the only difference between you and us is that our "method" is wrong.

 

And tiny_alice to answer your question about what I said before

But I'd like to clear that up with, so why is it then that one MUST "move on" and forget about the ex, they're the ones that dumped you so fuk them and ANYTHING ELSE but doing that is "holding on" or living in denial or being arrogant or ignorant.

Basically what I was trying to say there was that in order not to be labelled in denial, arrogant, stubborn or ignorant one MUST MOVE ON and NOT KID THEMSELVES and do all those things you say or else THEY ARE arrogrant, ignorant, stubborn or in denial. You apparently can't go the other way, you must do that or else you're faking it or setting yourself up for failure. Explain that one.

[Mix Maxster]

haha ya you'd think you'd see more posts. Anyways Benvolent what you have said sums up EXACTLY what I am doing and how I have been feeling for quite some time. I guess my view is giving my ex the benefit of doubt that she isn't as manipulative as many people think their exes can be in the same situation. From what I gather it doesn't matter HOW many relationships you are in or how old you are or how long the relationship is, this is obviously the first time for a LOT of people where they feel the genuine need to really try harder or want to try harder. I just think that these situations are different than any other relationship we may have been in because I think there was true love where there might not have been in other relationships. I'll agree that I do NOT agree with an "up in your face" attitude to get in your exes life, but I also think that in my situation there was quite a LOT of pushing away on my part and I feel the need to recreate myself into someone who will learn from his mistakes and become a better man.

 

About the power issue, I'll agree that it really does open up the door for your ex to trample over you, but I'm not letting her. When I e-mail her, I wait a while to send her a reply and I know she'll do the same not because I'm trying to control her or do anything like that, but because I do not want to come off as desperate or pathetic. I let her wonder about my life and wonder what is going on and I'll agree that possibly trying to become her friend would be setting myself up in that sense, but I'm really in no hurry to be a friend like that for her. My view is that if she chooses to be my friend then she will allow herself to develop feelings and want to come back and I doubt she'll use it to her advantage and try to get me do all these things for her because I won't. I'm not going to be there for her 24/7 and I'm going to look out for me first and her second, but I'm going to leave the ball in her court so she can figure things out for herself. It may sound foolish, but I feel that eventually it'll either prove one of two things. One that she'll realize what she gave up on and may want to give it another go or will only prove she was telling the truth and being honest with her feelings and is being truthful as a friend. Both are great things and I see a lot of great girls out there and I can SO go for them if I wanted to and start fresh with them, but yet I choose to want to keep my ex because we all end up loving someone eventually and I feel I want to love my ex that way.

 

Well I'll end it by saying I'll try playing devil's advocate for a second with my ex and know that if I were her I would do it because I felt lost, confused or felt betrayed and I'd try to find peace somewhere else or I would try to reclaim myself because I invested my heart and it got broken. I know I would be telling the truth about it and would be scared I was making the wrong choice and I would try to find my answer possibly through finding someone else or by finding my answer through other means. In the end I feel like even though my ex left me for another guy and she seems like a big jerk she is a great girl and she was feeling lost and hurt for such a long time that her sudden change in behaviour I feel proves that. My goal now is to remain strong and keep focused on my life and if my ex notices the changes on her own I'm sure they'll have an impact on her, but that isn't my goal. I'm just being there as a friend and making sure I don't get used in the process and if she comes to me I'll be a new Max and I'll be the guy she won't ever want to let go of again. You know the very first thing my ex asked this guy she's dating now before they started dating was if he had a history of depression... I know I did, so I wonder what that says to you about one of the things I feel pushed her away. There was a lot of great, but obviously the bad outweighed the good and they were pretty BIG bad things too.

 

I know it's possible she'll begin to question her decision to leave, but if she was scared to come back because of who I was then do you think she'll give it a thought if she doesn't know who I am now?

[d346]

NC helped me in winning my ex back (it was only 3 weeks or so)

 

But really, my motivation for NC was to protect my dignity. My ex did that wishy washy, "I don't know about things" crap, and I felt that after investing a few years together that was not only hurtful but insulting!

 

I was upset, told him what I thought of his actions, and what he wanted as a "break"was a break-up to me. I wasn't going to do the in-between because A)I deserved better, and B) It was too hurtful to keep in contact with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you.

 

Turns out that the by-product of this was a boyfriend who not only missed me, but realized that he hurt me by withdrawing -and it made him realize that I won't accept him disappearing everytime things get hard or complicated.

 

I do believe that if you want to contact the ex and make things work, go for it -I don't think NC should be used as a tool, because in the end it'll just be BS. BS that may lead to another break up.

[rich_1517]

wow quite a hot thread, self centerness the nature of love and yes tactics.

 

tactics seems to be the hot button. tactics implies a self motivated attempt to control an outcome. can tactics be effective absolutely. can you maintain a dead or dying relationship based on them, absolutely not.

 

to try to manipulate beyond your exes own beliefs and boundaries is doomed for long term relationships. a persons values, beliefs and preferences will always come back. but that gray area? its called competition and romance. and all is fair. the one thing though i believe is the intentions better be good or the outcome will be tainted.

 

so then how to rekindle?

 

they have to want it on some level. so yes no contact allows them to see their own feelings without us providing the constant reminder. but the difference i think is for people who did no contact "during" the relationship or more specifically did not meet their partners needs. in my case she wanted "more" time doing things. so that was a very good reason for contact. not phone calls or email, in person.

 

if on the other hand their was too much seeking reassurance, as i have done with loss in my past. then no contact or limited contact is needed to establish or reestablish respect. Danimal hard as it is, thats you. i had to walk away for a month, not return calls, blow off great invitations to hold out for more. their are no guarantees.

 

but back to the tactics point. i believe they are ok if honestly done to get back to equal footing with an ex. but then the strength of the relationship must take over, people have to feel a genuiness with each other or it will never last or require constant manipulation to maintain power.

 

so my advice? to myself and anyone who is considering staying in the game? you can do anything you damn well want,as long as i can honestly answer these quesitons?

 

is my goal going to serve both of us or just me?

do i have both of our needs in mind while i am doing this?

am i damaging my self respect or theirs of me in my actions?

can i accept them as they are now with no changes?

 

persistence fine, hanging in there in spite of everything is fine, as long as it isnt based on a delusion. in my case she isnt seeing anyone esle, wants to be with me all the time, calls twice a day. very postive signs. but we dont have sex and she wont commit. painful.

 

so my plan, yes plan is to keep inthe game until she realises she loves me enough to walk over the line again. but i run the real risk of being hurt over and over until she either gives in or gives up. i extend (by choice) the time it will take me to move on or find something new.

 

but for me it is worth it. anything in life that is worth having is also worth sacrifice based on dignity. i believe (as does she and her son) that we have something incredibly special. so i choose to stay.

 

BUT NEVER KID YOURSELF! to lie to ourselves that we have any power is ludicrous. i see over and over and even in my old posts the "little" goals we achieve of compromise by them. and if we take what used to exist and compare that to what we get now?

 

never lose sight of the end goal of friendship, respect and passion. accept that short term success is good but only a stepping stone, to do otherwise is to accept less then is possible for real love to exist for BOTH. staying real is the barometer for whether we are going to make it or not. delusion based on obsession loves little successes. remember your dignity and be prepared to walk (always).

 

but in closing, no, our exes do not intentionally hurt us. they behave imaturely with the power we give them, but its up to us to protect ourselves from ourselves. hating someone who no longer wants us is like hating ourselves for changing what we want.

[Beec]

 

but back to the tactics point. i believe they are ok if honestly done to get back to equal footing with an ex. but then the strength of the relationship must take over, people have to feel a genuiness with each other or it will never last or require constant manipulation to maintain power.

 

so my advice? to myself and anyone who is considering staying in the game? you can do anything you damn well want,as long as i can honestly answer these quesitons?

 

is my goal going to serve both of us or just me?

do i have both of our needs in mind while i am doing this?

am i damaging my self respect or theirs of me in my actions?

can i accept them as they are now with no changes?

 

 

Rich,

 

Those questions are really insightful. If you cannto answer the first two yes, why bother. A yes on the thrid is a big problem. The fourth is on, but I think small changes can be influenced. You can draw someone out and then encourage then to come back out or stay out more. It's not easy though, and there better be no deal breakers.

 

The strength of a relationship can be improved through what I would call tactics. It can be improved when in it by making an effort to make your partner feel special. That's what makes them feel loved and that's how you want them to feel. But you also need the on and off button.

 

Knowing a bit about Rich's recent history, let say your ex came over tonight, walked in the door toting takeout food for dinner. Your eat, then towards the end of the meal, she grabs you and lays a huge kiss on you then makes out for an horu before going home to her son. Suddenly, she gives some passion when there has been none or little. Does it make you stick around waiting for a next time of course. But it gives you what you want, what you seek from her, that it will strengthen your feelings for her. Now if she does this only to manipulate, that's not good. But if she jsut sucks it up, because she wants to make you happy and no other reason, then it sould be good. Soem tactics can strengthen the relationship, but it cannot be all tactics.

[rich_1517]

Hey Beec,

 

long time, good to see you.

 

i think people get hung up on the words. tactics and methods.

 

truth is i believe love, any long lasting love requires seducing each other always. if we arent making the one we are with feel they are special in different ways (depending on the moment) they and we will lose apprecation for the relationship. boring.

 

yep, all tactics. and is my ex using them on me? sure, i agreed to sleep on the couch, so she comes and joins me in the morning. why? to make sure i will do it again.

 

maybe the truth is in both ideas, being genuine AND playing the game. i get very bored with someone who i know TOO well. better shake things up some now and then.

 

my fault with too much game is the lack of honesty and surrender. when i i know I am in love i surrender to it and show more of myself. if i am thinking too hard of the next thing i have to do then i am not "in it"

 

so in your defense and others as well as myself, yes tactics, seduction, all part of the love game. to those who find those ideas horrid, consider the things you did in the first months or years of your last relationship that you stopped doing. and that was becuase?

[Beec]

Thanks Rich.

 

Things were busy, and now things are slower.

 

 

my fault with too much game is the lack of honesty and surrender. when i i know I am in love i surrender to it and show more of myself. if i am thinking too hard of the next thing i have to do then i am not "in it"

 

so in your defense and others as well as myself, yes tactics, seduction, all part of the love game. to those who find those ideas horrid, consider the things you did in the first months or years of your last relationship that you stopped doing. and that was becuase?

 

 

Honesty about why and for the right reasons is the most important thing. You cannot play a game that is a total lie, and if you do, if will never really work. Surrender. Don't we really surrender only when we both love and feel that we are loved?

[Mix Maxster]

Some goods points have been made and what Rich said about those questions are very true and one needs to be able to answer yes to those and really mean it and not lie to themselves. With my ex SHE HAS someone right now and I do not WISH TO pull them apart and I'd feel horrible if I was the cause of that, but from MY POV what me and my ex had is hard to come by. I'm not going to say it was like we were meant to be or some garbage like that, but it's odd how much you really know someone deep down JUST by looking at them and understanding who they are and why they do what they do... just by looking at them, you just know and doesn't that bring two people together? TO have gone through similar pain and know how to be there for each other? Knowing what that pain is like and realizing that you two are the only ones not going to do it to each other. Then something stupid happens and you begin to question that love you had for that person and you lose faith in the end.

 

So to answer your questions Rich I am going to say yes and be confident in saying that. Not because I just want my ex back and I'm going to play into that garbage where just because you want them back you're going to say yes, I really mean it. I don't get where all this tactic talk and power stuph comes from, I mean I get where some of these things are controversial and what Rich said were very true. Now she has this guy she is dating that seems like an even bigger loser than me, but she said she started dating him because she was afraid to be alone. Why is she still with him then? Perhaps he makes her happy, but I believe that just comes from the idea that she likes having someone. Another thing she said, but where do I FIT in if she has someone... and just likes having someone, is that true love? Or will it die out... I feel it will. Don't we really want someone who understands us and listens to us? Do we not want someone we can go to when there's no one else around? Someone who makes us feel great even though they're not around. I find it rather unfortaunte that two people so deserving of each other are not together, a pair who would forever love each other and it's the very reason why this guy doesn't feel like he should give up (me). I believe in it because it feels right to me I choose to do it because it makes sense and I KNOW I will not control or manipulate this girl because I know I will lose, I'm well aware of those things you mention that will only end in a lost cause, but I'm not doing those things. So what if my ex wants me in her life in case she made a mistake, I was her first serious relationship and perhaps she wants to see what's out there.

 

And EXACTLY what Rich said in his last post is EXACTLY the things I did naturally before I got my ex. She said the very reason she ASKED ME OUT was because she said I seemed like such a great guy who would understand her and she said she was able to feel what kind of guy I was and know I was honest, caring and genuine. She said she knew I wasn't like those other guys that just wanted in her pants, she knew what I liked was what she liked and she had the strength to ask me out. HOW is that possible? A girl as SHY as her and trust me she is one shy cookie, how it's possible that a shy girl like her had the courage to come ask ME out. Figure that out.

[dikaia880]

Dan...I hope you don't mind, but I skipped straight from your first post here.

 

I wish you luck, you are definitely a determined individual.

I hope, and I stress this, that you have somehow managed to change in the past month or so...

 

Last time you lost her (again) because you had not changed...you may or may not succed in getting her back this time, but if you do if you have not changed it will be the same story as last time...

 

Again, good luck...

[rich_1517]

Honesty about why and for the right reasons is the most important thing. You cannot play a game that is a total lie, and if you do, if will never really work. Surrender. Don't we really surrender only when we both love and feel that we are loved?

 

glad to hear you believe that too. i know many of us are trying to have richer love lives, and in there our motives lay open to inspection. if i am successful in my own endeavor then i would someday like to tell her what i did and why. thats an acid test for motive.

 

it would be nice if two people surrendered at the same time. i picked the word surrender because it seems like thats the moment that feelings trump reason. that would be us, with the exes its reveresed. their reason overrules thier feelings, sometimes by conscious choice or by an original fear, hurt or desire that created a decision that overruled their feelings. (that is not always changeable)

 

sometimes an exe will try very hard to get to their feelings (mine) but have a lot of trouble with surrender again, thats where i endorse the game if its honest, its to get them to that point of unconscious decision making.

 

 

it seems always out of sync, rarely at the same time. would be nice though.

 

Danimal the more i read the more i agree with those who have presses on change. i am still smoking and i know that is a seriously bad idea in my own venture.

 

we cannot expect them to change their own positions if we do not demonstrate the willingness to change. stubborn is for us when we are in a relationship its a luxury in attempting to get them back, and very expensive at that.

 

having said that though the changes cannot be solely for them, they will lose respect. i chose the ones that fit my overall view of myself as positive changes and started many months ago. thats the other thing. an exe want to see real changes, and they will test them very hard to see if those changes are for real. so they better be.

[Beec]

Wow, I'd never tell her, whoever she may be, that I had defintie tactics and manuvers I used. In all likelihood, she should be able to figure many of them out. It's pretty obvious if I cook a nice dinner and serve it via candlelight that I am using one. Others, are not so obvious, like why I did not call her the on one of the next two days. But, I would not be turning myself in.

[rich_1517]

ahh but thats the key. nothing i am doing would bother me in the long to tell her if i get her back, winning her confidence, showing more support, withdrawing when she didnt respond, dating becuase she would commit. they are all "tactic" but they are all common sense too.

 

but ihave a different relationship with this gilr. overall we have told each other everything, we love each other anyway.

 

but i do feel that is the defining line. thats just me. but would i tell her before she comitted and i was sure she was in love again. hell no.

[AB38]

I am so tired and worn out with the whole NC thing!!! Folks, this is very plain and simple, NC is not a strategy, a game, or whatever everyone is calling it in this thread. It is not to get your ex back, PERIOD, THE END.

 

You broke up for a reason. There is no explanation except maybe that you were NOT COMPATIBLE!!!! Stop using "no contact" for the wrong reasons. You broke up and now you are not going to call them so you can heal. And time does heal. Have respect for yourself and your ex. Cry, shout, whatever it takes to get them out of your system.

 

If they come back 8-10 months later, chances are you have already moved on. If you take them back, then maybe you have both learned something and it was truly meant to be.

 

Sorry to sound so jaded, but I am tired of reading about relationships that just are not working the 3rd and 4th time around.

[BrotherD]

AB38

 

Thanks for laying it down. I AGREE. Time is an amazing "balm" to a breakup. I am at over 10 weeks and I feel like I am finally returning to my old self. I am so much happier having removed myself from the crazy making environment of my former relationship!!! It's like I can breathe again. Things that used to make me happy do just that! I am reconnecting with all the great people in my life. I am happy for this breakup because it has given me persepctive on how great my life is and how lucky I am to be surrounded by many people whom are my champions. Thank you God for NO CONTACT...

 

Again thanks AB38 for setting the record straight.

 

You are correct!!!!

 

BroD

[rich_1517]

i cant argue with time and no contact for healing. actually for a reconcilliation (sorry guys but some of us are aiming for that) its necessary to become our old selves.

[majord23]

i cant argue with time and no contact for healing. actually for a reconcilliation (sorry guys but some of us are aiming for that) its necessary to become our old selves.

 

Are you your old self rich?

 

Did the 'old you' agonise over every action taken and every word spoken by your ex?

 

IMHO, you are not taking any actions to get back to your 'old self' rich.

 

I'm not attacking you, but your posts indicate that you feel that in order for you to achieve this (becoming your 'old self'), you have to be back with your ex. ie you, as a person, are defined by your relationship with her. Not exactly healthy.

 

No contact is a way to heal first and foremost. It also the best method to give yourself some distance and objectivity and reassess whether the relationship was *really* that good to begin with.

 

I have a friend who is getting married to a girl (in August) even though she cheated on him in May - and had been for a few months.

 

Why is he still marrying her? Because he didn't give himself distance, and at the moment he is taking responsibilty for her cheating. He was scared of losing what he *thought* he had, whilst not actually having a look at the *reality* of what he had.

Making decisions based solely on emotions are recipes for disaster.

 

NC is not about a month without calling.....it may be 6 months, a year....2 years. Every person I know who has employed NC properly has either:

 

1) Had the ex come back to them and reconcile

2) Had the ex come back to them, but they have turned them down.

3) Not heard from the ex, but they wouldn't take them back if they did offer.

 

Not one person I know who has used NC properly still wants their ex....not one.

 

Is that because their relationships were any less loving or special than anyone elses' here?

Nope, not at all....it's because they were smart enough to see their failed relationships with objective eyes, rather than those covered with rose-coloured lenses.

 

When people stop acting in order to affect their exes and start acting in their own best interests is when true healing begins, and when the reality of what your losing becomes more obvious (and sometimes it aint that much).

[AB38]

well said MajorD. I think that it would be wise for some on this forum to switch to the forum, "healing after break up or divorce." I can say that because I have "healed". I initiated NC to gain back my dignity and respect for myself.

 

I like the rose colored lenses thing. I called it "the fog" in my earlier posts. And basically, I took charge of my emotions, stepped back and was able to see the relationship more objectively. From there, I made a conscious decision to move on, realizing that she truly was not "the one." And any efforts in trying to make her "the one" would be a waste of emotional energy on both of us. You can't, no matter how you try, fit a square peg into a round hole. So the solution is go and find the round peg.

[a_little_sparrow]

I think that's an amazing claim that not one person who employed nc "correctly" wanted their ex back. What you seem to be saying is that once something has been broken emotionally, then it can't again be fixed. Personally, I disagree with that.

 

I agree that the ex asking to break things indicates there was a problem with the relationship. And I agree that nc not only helps us to let go of the ex, but also to learn what we need to learn (and I believe anyone who says they are a pure victim in a breakup is suffering some serious delusions), so that we can move on positively.

 

But I do believe there is hope for a reconciliation. And that the dumpee can come to this realization even after serious thought. Ideally we can do this after having the appropriate time to think through things, whatever that time is. Ideally, I suppose, the ex wouldn't come back until we had had that ideal time to think through things and heal. But none of this places us at some foregone conclusion that says, "I'm outta here." I think there's always room to decide in favor of getting back.

 

I'm not here trying to say that I'm the perfect example of someone who has waited that ideal time, and that I still stand by my desire to be back with my ex. I know I stand stronger now than I did because of nc. And I know that at some point, I'll have to let go completely and move on if I can see there's no chance she will be interested. But for now I stand knowing I still have strong feelings for her, and as long as those feelings are there the door is open for her. My goal is to get to a point that I can close that door if I need to, and feel it's the right thing to do.

 

Then to come back to the point (yes, and continuing with the door analogy), she could knock on that door after it's closed, and I can't say I know I would turn her away.

[danimal77]

Hello Friends,

 

Okay, all I can say is wow, I am shocked. I abandoned this thread days ago and I am still number one in the ranking. 1600+ views and 50+ replies. That's just amazing.

 

Okay so, it's no longer day 36. It's now day 44 and since I made the initial contact a week ago, going into her store, which went better than expected, getting her approval to call her, guess what? I haven't.

 

I have been waiting it out. I'm letting her have her fun with the various men she is meeting on her single chat line and in ther interim, I am doing my own thing.

 

I've been learning a lot of lessons. I've seen the mistakes I've made and how I helped to contribute to breakup 6 and a half weeks ago. I am not crying anymore. Not for a long time. I know she is still hurting. I saw it with my own eyes. I believe she expected me to call her 2 days after having visited her, being told I can and maybe I should have, while she was still fresh, but what's the rush? I am living my life.

 

Perceptions change over time. Her perception of me and my feelings to her, are the opposite of how I really feel. She believes in her heart that I no longer have romantic feelings towards her and I don't love her the way I used to, if at all. I was responsible for making her feel this way, however, it's far from how I really feel.

 

Approaching her in a couple of days over the phone is going to be an exercise of patience and self-restraint. I cannot reveal too much, if anything, in fear that I will not only scare her and push her away, but that I may hurt her by declaring my feelings for her, for she doesn't truly believe that I care and all she believes is that I went to her store a week okay to make peace and to make myself feel better. I went there because I love her. If I appear to indifferent on the phone, I will just reaffirm her already existing perception of my feelings for her, or lack there of. thereforeeee, I am faced with a conundrum.

 

I do not focus on the other men in her life. It is not about them and never has been. It's about her and I and all I want is for her to feel comfortable with me. She has given me the go ahead and at this point, is no longer even expecting me to call, but I will. What to say and how to approach a call that is partially welcome is quite the dilemma indeed.

 

Danimal