Fetish for Misery? You decide ...

[DestructoBoy]

Hey all!

 

It's been 8 months since we broke up. I was a blathering idiot for the first three always calling and crying/begging and pleading. I stopped that and went on with my life. I found that things were great when I was busy and active. As soon as difficult times came my way I crumbled....it was like I was made of paper mache. Poke one hole into my happiness and I buckled. Then the thoughts of "her" would pour in and take over. I dwelled on things that nearly drove me insane and over the edge.

 

Yet, I stuck to my guns and never contacted her. It only hurt to hear that she was doing well while I was still a puddle over her. She started dating a guy 3 yrs younger than her right after we split. Killed me!

 

So months go by and I still think about her everyday. Let me make this clear so you all can understand my insanity. She cheated and lied all the time. Why, OH Why would I still want to be with her? Do I have some kind of sick fetish for misery?

 

She called a month ago and left a message crying on my voice mail saying she missed me and thought about me all the time. I called back only to find that she was with that kid at her new apartment. Singed again by delusions of grandeur.

 

So I decide, to Hades with her and that kid. Picked up my boot straps and made myself go out and be active again.

 

I have dated quite a few gals since the break but none have made me feel any better...and a few tried VERY hard!!

 

Basically it comes down to this...My B-Day was last Wednesday and the ex wrote me on Thursday.

 

Here is what she had to say:

 

Hi (Me),

I woke up this morning and realized it was your birthday yesterday. I should have written you yesterday, but better late than never. So Happy Be-Lated Birthday!!! I hope it was enjoyable and I hope you go whoop it up this weekend. Wow you are now 28, crazy!

On a side note, I am finally going to Vegas to party!! I am going this weekend and staying at the MGM Grand!! Going with all the co-workers. It should be fun. Work is still killing me and I am starting to think I need a new job. I have decided that I am going to go into the field of Interior Design. So next semester I will be taking beginning interior design to see how it suites me. I also joined a gym yesterday. I am going to change my lifestyle and get fit. Yeah! Well Just wanted to wish you a belated birthday!

 

Take Care,

(her)

 

Ok, I actually turned 29. I was with this ding bat for nearly 5 years and she didn't remember how old I was or my actual B-Day?

 

Does anyone think this is real or is she purposely acting distant? She knows I won't call her. It was nice of her to write sure, but it was actually more of a kick to the ding ding if you ask me.

 

Also, she went to Vegas with her "co-workers" one of them being the VP she cheated on me with. He's 20 years older and very FUGLY! Rich but Fugly. Fargin $$!! Wins every time!

 

I hope someone will reply.....I know it was more of a rant than a question but I still miss her all the time. I seriously think I'm crazy! Do I love being miserable? Is it an addiction? I've heard it can be.....

 

Thanks,

D-Boy

[lady00]

deleted.

[EnolWolf]

I know the feeling. She's no good for you man. The thing making it difficult is that you may be/ have been in love with her. That feeling takes a while to fade.

 

I don't think you love being miserable. It's just that everytime you think something might change between you everything goes up into flames. You may be used to it.

 

Her letter sounds like she's doing a lot of "rubbing in." If i were you I would discontinue any for of contact with her. It may be hard, but I feel it would be best. (my opinion)

 

Good luck!

[EatZ]

I'm just on my way out to a hair appointment, so I have to be quick!

 

I guess a nastier way to put it would be to say you like feeling sorry for yourself. You find comfort in your pain, and it's almost as if you WANT to feel bad. Perhaps for the sympathy you get. Or maybe because you're secretly waiting for her to apologise for all that she's done to you.

 

I wouldn't say it's a fetish, I'd say it's normal. I went through the same phase in my healing. Feeling sorry for myself, hoping people would recognise my pain and suffering and drown me in sympathy.

 

If there's anything abnormal about what you're going through, it's probably just the fact that it's lasted so long for you. Not helped by the fact that she's still in contact with you!

 

That's my two cents. Hope it helps. Good luck dude!

[Heartshock]

Destructo,

 

 

THIS IS GRIEF. Biggest emotional stress factor after death of a spouse. Its that big. Its that shattering. That is why enotalone exists.

 

If heart trauma didn't cause this kind of shock to the nervous system, and for that amount of time, there wouldn't be so many bad pop songs in the world, there wouldn't be that many rich therapists, and there wouldn't be enotalone.

 

(And I wouldn't have initally called myself HEARTSHOCK You'd have known me as HEART-TICKLE or something)

 

ARE YOU NORMAL? - Are you meant to be feeling this bad for so long? Is it meant to be this relentless. I'm sorry to tell you that that is the way it goes.

 

Some days it is the mother of all pyschic breakdowns. On other days the tide goes out and it is more bearable.

 

Sounds to me like you were having an In-Tide day.

 

Are you meant to smile nostalgically as your ex fights to keep herself in your memory, by sending well timed birthday cards. All the while shoving the boot in about what a such a wonderful time she's having.

 

WHO ON EARTH WOULD FEEL GREAT ABOUT THIS????!!! Only those in severe severe denial or a psychopathic. (I'm told they feel not very much)

 

You are way, way, way hard on yourself. I shudder at how hard you are being. Are you meant to be cured by leaping into bed by some-one you met at the local bar. Pleaaassee. Don't we all wish it was that easy.

 

Yes I know the ex was a B**** I know that logically you shouldn't think about her. I know that if you had half a mind you'd have been over her in an instant. Oh dear, it must mean you are be addicted to the pain. Blah Blah Blah! Get with the programme. Heartbreak ain't about logic. This world has different rules. The main rule being you feel what you feel. In fact the more you feel the more, likely to have a full recovery.

 

You are in the 2nd crappiest place on the emotional Reichter scale

 

Beating yourself up about going through the normal crappiness

of this process, is not assisting you.

 

I've often wondered why people are in such an all fired rush to move on. AS though this was some badge of heroics to shut off all feeling.

That is easy. They are the screwed up freaks all over the place who took that route, believe me it starts off easier and gets harder and harder as the years go by.

 

It took me 13 months to get over my ex-boyfriend. 13 months of excruiating mental stress. Well actually it wasn't that consistant. The pain would go out, I would think I was over it, celebrate, then it would come back in even stronger than before. And quite frankly people telling me to hurry up, or how illogical it was, helped not one jot. And in the 12 month I was just as hung as I was during the 3rd.

 

I vowed never to love again. I couldn't imagine having any feelings for any-one. At the time it was probably the right thing to do, the walking wounded, should alway avoided bungying jumping off emotional bridges - Isn't this why you ain't connecting with any-one yet. The head is ready but the heart ain't.

End of story.

Hearts don't bother arguing they lay down the rule, get themselves to ER then stay there until they are ready to come out of traction. Don't worry about it. It's the brains own protection system.

 

But you know what, the sun does come out.

 

All the angst I went through, all the dashing into churches to weep hideously (I'm not even religious) All the breaking down on friends shoulders, all the listening to bad songs, the sheer and utter suffering

of it, finally delivered me to the other side.

 

And when I look back, I thank god I went in for the amateur dramatics. My ex-boyfriend went for denial (I so envived him the beginning)

 

He seemed to keep his dignity while I shattered into pieces for 13 months. He asked for friendship whilst I knew it would be tortorous.

 

He was polite and amiable while I was in some of the worst pain I'd ever felt. Trouble is 13 months on, he is still trying to get my friendship, is still calling around, is still looking out for me when I pass his window, (he lives down the street) still chasing me down the street. Still trying to get my attention.

 

Me? I have met some-one else who is all that and more. Now when I see

my Ex I feel incredibly guilty that I moved on and he didn't. Can you get that, I actually feel sorry for him.

 

Even my new bloke feels sorry for my ex.

 

Such is the even handedness of karma.

 

So, go, grieve, do your stuff. Cease the emotional self-esteem beatings.

 

Your day is coming.

[spaceandtime]

Heartfelt - that was the most superb post I have ever read on eNotAlone. You've articulated absolutely everything in a crystal clear way that I never could.

 

D-Boy, take heed from that. And also realise that drama is only an outsiders perception. All to often, the quiet and 'cool' ones are those who are in inner turmoil, or as Chris Martin of Coldplay put it in 'Amsterdam':

 

"I'm dead on the surface, but I'm screaming underneath"

 

I'm exactly in the same position as you. 8 months. And everytime I hear from her, it's the same paper-mache inner collapse. But somewhere inside I can feel an inner voice saying, 'Concentrate. Bring the focus back onto you. Let go and set free, and reach for something higher and more beautiful....'

 

Have faith, it could last for a few more weeks, months or maybe even a year - but when you come through it, you will have a stronger sense of self than ever before (just look at Heartshock)

 

And as for you Heartshock: may London's summer bring you the most exquisite times for you and your new love......

 

--------

 

"Don't look back, unless you want to go that way."

[Heartshock]

Awwh, SpaceandTime

 

You da Man! Thanks every so much for post

I am very touched.

 

I wish you all the strength in the world

 

HEARTSHOCK

[SexySadie7]

You said some mighty poignant things..... Yes I know the ex was a B**** I know that logically you shouldn't think about her. I know that if you had half a mind you'd have been over her in an instant. Oh dear, it must mean you are be addicted to the pain.

 

I know someone like this I'm afraid, addicted to the pain. He knows his ex cheated on him & was less than high-minded & fair on many occasions but in a way, but deep down I'm afraid he still clings to the idea that their life was preferable to him now being alone. He insists that he's so much happier now but I feel his words are hollow sounding. He is intent on easing the pain with a string of one-night stands or meaningless sex.....but I don't think it's going to help.

Maybe what is so painful & I speak from experience is the loss of illusion that something wonderful was happening there when in fact it was at several times just a facade. You had your partner put up on a pedestal & when you realize her/his feet are made of clay also, it's a mighty big shock, no?

Am I making sense or not?

[deebee]

Excellent post HeartTickle, I mean HeartShock! Stuff like that is why I keep coming back to this forum. I have learnt so much from other people's experiences and opinions. I am sure that my next relationship will be better for it.

 

Still feeling miserable after three months, but have kept up the NC and it has helped. I share some of [self]DestructoBoy's leanings towards introspection and misery. So a HeartShock was just what the doctor ordered, thanks!

[Heartshock]

Hi SexySadie.

 

Interesting point. Sometimes it does look as though people are getting off on their pain.

 

With your friend, if the break up is within the last eighteen months, then to me his behaviour seems natural and very familiar to me as a recent "Lovewar-veteran." Hee Hee!

 

By the way, I did not mean to imply that it is wrong to have sex casual or otherwise during a break-up. I definatly don't think it is. It can be a totally innocent cure to loniness. What I was trying to say is that it is not a "Get Out of Free Card" to heart break. It is just sex. And sex doesn't have those kind of over night healing powers. A lot of other powers but not that one.

 

Personall, I am a bit touchy on the phrase "Addicted To Pain." To me it implies a self indulgent person getting high on the pain, and having a great old time. Of course, inside that isn't the case. As I said before its bloomin agony.

 

Generally after eighteen months, if a person is in as much agony as they were at the beginning. If they are eulogising their ex as the second coming. This doesn't say "Addicted to Pain" to me. It says the poor

blighter has got stuck in the Grieving process.

 

When a person refuses to see their Ex as some-one who betrayed them

by leaving them, (this is how the sub-conscious sees it regardless of their reasons) or they were forced to leave themselves because things were going so badly, its generally because that person is refusing to feel their anger.

 

For specific reasons the sub-conscious is supressing it.

 

In my own case when-ever there has been a supression of anger, it has been becasuse the news that some-one has treated me very poorly, has got away with murder, who didn't love me as I loved them - is too cataclymic for my self-estem to take. So it doesn't bother to tell me for a while. As far as my consciousness is concerned they are St Francis of Assis, and I was the one who made mistakes.

 

The allows me to think that the power was all on my side, and stop me from feeling impotent, humiliated, embaressment or shame which woud cause a minor melt-down to the pschye.

 

I absolutely agree with you on the illusion front and think you're spot on, that loss of illusion is shattering. The fact your beloved sold you out, the fact you will have to go back out there, the fact you are still alone, the fact you got it so wrong.... Arrghhh. No wonder it is so hard to face up to.

 

In the last few years I have got better at this and I have felt my anger. (the loss of illusion) This is because I have friends who love me and treat me with respect. So the fact that some-one didn't and I allowed it to continue, does not mean I am beyond my own respect. It just means I made a tinsy mistake.

 

The fact is you cannot make some-ome feel their anger, sorrow, fear or sadness. If they choose not to feel any of these whilst going through a break-up they will tend to be come stuck. And it is agonising. I don't see it as an Addiction-to-Pain, but some-one who got their foot caught in a mental animal trap and can't get it out.

 

After 18 months it is clear that TIME will not become a great healer and

the person really will need to see a counsellor to complete the grieving process.