Why would my fiance pay for sex when our sex life is so good

[miss_kaos]

Me and my fiance have been together for 5 years and I love him with all my heart we are true soulmates, we have a 5 month of baby boy and our life was great until yesterday when I discovered that he went to a brothel about 18 months ago.

 

I remember the exact night, we had an argument and he went out with his mates and didn't come home until 4am in the morning minus $1000 in his wallet that he left with, he couldn't look me in the eye, touch me or even sleep next to me when he came home that night and I thought he was still angry with me. I used his cell phone the next day & I noticed a phone number that he called at 12 am the night before, I rang the number and discovered it was a brothel, when I confronted him he got all defensive, abusive and accused me of not trusting him and used the excuse that one of his mates must have rung there for a joke and as his mate backed this story up I put it behind me.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine told me that she had found out from her boyfriend - who is a good friend of my fiances - that he had in fact gone to the brothel with a friend that night, so I confronted this friend and after some pressure he confessed everything. I then confronted my fiance and he denied it and said he didn't know what I was talking about, even though his friend had already told me everything. After I questioned him further he changed his story and said he did go to the brothel paid the prostitute but couldn't go through with it because he felt too guilty, he said he is so sorry. But deep in my heart I know that he did have sex with her - it all adds up - why does he have to insult my intelligence by lying about it, he says he's sorry but can't even admit what he's really done, I just wanted him to tell me why he did it. I told him I don't believe him and told him to leave.

 

Now I am totally and utterly heartbroken, I can't understand why he would do this to me. Our sex life was always amazing, we both have a very strong drive and we are both very adventurous in bed, he is a very generous lover and we always satisfy each other and even while I was pregnant our sex life did not change. He always tells me how happy I make him in bed and there is nothing else he would want from me.

 

So can someone please tell me why he would go out and pay for it when he could have come home to me, I always thought that men only went to brothels because they don't get sex at home, or because they are bored with their partners or they want something more adventurous. I now feel so let down and hurt, he has totally destroyed my self esteem. I am attractive, slim and love sex so I don't understand why he would do this to me. He used to make jokes at his friends about going to brothels and I know for a fact he hadn't even visited one before me, so why would he do it now.

 

Am I overreacting over something that happened so long ago, I just don't know anymore, if he admitted to it and told me why maybe I couldn't forgive him but right now I am totally devastated.

 

If anyone out there can give me their views on why he did this it would really help.

[Tinkerbell]

Hey there,

I would just like to let you know I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. If your fiancee really did sleep with a prostitute than you certainly are not overreacting!

Now lets get the facts straight...He still hasn't admitted to going through with it, correct? However, his friend has flat out told you that he knows for a fact that your fiancee did go through with it? Whom do you trust more? Your boyfriend or his friend? It's obvious that there doesn't appear to be a reason for his friend to lie about such a thing, but do you think that there's a slight chance that he's mistaken?

Even if your boyfriend didn't end up going through with it, the point is that he was about to which is just about as bad! I certainly don't think I'd have it in me to forgive something like this, and I don't think it would be wise of you to forgive him immediately either. If you wish to pursue your relationship in the future (whether it be for your sake or your son's sake), it's certainly going to take a long time for you to be able to trust him again, and this is completely normal given the situation.

However, you may wish to rid him of your life completely, which is also understandable. It all depends on how you feel you can deal with the whole ordeal. But remember, you've done nothing wrong, even if the two of you had a terrible argument that does not give him an excuse to fool around with someone else.

~Tink

Please answer my above questions so I can help you further...

[brokenpogostick]

OMG what a jerk!!! i am so pissed off at him for you! there is no excuse for that! he needs to be kicked to the curb. i'm so sorry that happened to you. he betrayed your trust & your vows, he's no good.

[birdgirl]

No matter what you said or did you did not deserve that. I'm so sorry.

[piscesprincess]

This is a question of all time...why di they do it? Women cheat too, but it seems men are more prevalent to pay for it- actually they are the only ones who pay for sex (I think).

 

This is not the norm, however, let me reassure you. Men sometimes let their fantasies get the best of them. Fmales have fabtasies too, but we keep them in our heads for the most part. Once someone who is commited esp. engaged/married) they should not over-step the boundary of fantasy-reality. If they do (in your case), it is best to confront them (kindly). Give him the ultimatum: stop this insanity or get out of my life!

 

Yes, it is easier said than done. Plus, he is the selfish jerk here. Still, once you show strength & rightful conviction he may change his ways b/c he may feel respect for you more than if you turn a blind eye. He needs to repent for his actions & beg for your forgiveness or tell him to get out of your life...it's for your own well-being

[miss_kaos]

Hi Tinkerbell

Thanks for responding, well I was a bit sneaky about how I confronted his friend, because I told him that my fiance had already confessed everything to me and already knew about it and I wanted to know why they went there, once his friend thought I already knew everything, he spilled the truth about it all confirmed that they had both gone there together and left together.

 

Also when I first confronted my fiance yesterday, he started by saying that he only dropped his friend off there and waited out in the car, the story then changed and he said his friend wanted to borrow the money from him and so he went in to pay for his friend. Then he confessed that he actually did go in but couldn't go through with it. He is just drowning in his own lies, he is too scared to tell the truth because he fears loosing me and our son.

 

It is 1.30 in the morning over here and I just feel totally devastated, he was everything to me, we were best friends this all just feels like a nightmare, this is not the man I know.

[lonelyandblue]

What kills me is that you have his baby and he does this sort of **** to you. That would tick me off. The way he is behaving, too. Are you sure he is your soul mate?? If I were you, I wouldn't put up with it. He showed no respect for you, could have brought you home something worse than a broken heart.

[brokenpogostick]

i'm with lonelyandblue...you need to kick him out, he's a liar and a cheat!

[miss_kaos]

Thanks for all your replies, I just can't seem to deal with this, I have never felt pain like this before, I can't even talk to my friends or loved ones because I am too embarrassed. I really did believe he was my soulmate and never in my worst nightmares did I think he would do something like this to me. Maybe I could deal with this better if we didn't have a good sex life and we were unhappy, but it was the total opposite for us, I mean 5 years on and our sex life was just as exciting as the first time. It's like I've lived with a stranger for the past 18 months. I feel like such a fool, I thought I knew him so well, I thought we had the perfect relationship, yet my fiance would rather pay a stranger for sex than come home to the one he is supposed to love.

 

The worst part is he can't even admit the full extent of his guilt so he isn't really sorry for what he's done. I feel so sick to my stomach I can't even bear to look at him and I feel like I will never be able to face him again. My self esteem has been crushed, does he really find me that repulsive that he prefers to pay for it - I just don't understand.

[brokenpogostick]

miss_kaos...there's nothing wrong with you hun....it's his own issues that are making him do this to you. your relationship sounds fine as you describe it...i don't know why men do those kinds of things...i'm so sorry for you, my heart goes out to you... this is so unfortunate. don't blame yourself though. good luck

[JonnyG]

Well im going to look at this from another angle, because I think its not worth throwing him out yet.

 

Im not disagreeing with any of the above posts. The guy has made a big mistake. But the fact of the matter is that the couple involved have been together for 5 years. They have a child. They both sound like they love each other very much. The guy has made 1 mistake, yep, a BIG mistake, but God knows how drunk he may have been during the time the suppose incident happened, with that sort of cash (not that this is a valid excuse), and none of us here truly know how much the guy may regret what he has done.

 

As far as im concerned he sounds to be a decent guy (minus the obvious), a decent lover, who has treated miss_kaos very well during all the time they have spent together. I don't think it is worth throwing it all away for 1 mistake that he may well truly regret and still not know for definite if it ever happened.

 

He may well have kept it hidden not to save himself but to stop hurting u. People react differently when it comes to telling the truth about something they did wrong. They want to tell but realise they cant win no matter what.

 

I just wanted to try to see it from the other angle, because it seems that the women here are all getting into a mad male hating frenzy on this post

 

I've seen worse posts like this and people have said to try to stick together, but this guy is getting some serious abuse.

 

Anyway miss_kaos, good luck in whatever u choose to do, but I really do think u should stay with him, and of course talk to him more about it to find out what really happened, and if things can be the same again, or even strengthen.

[Serendipity1607307077]

If your man would just go off and do something like that after a fight, without actually talking things over with you, then I don't think that he is being very fair. I am angered for you that he would have done such a thing...

 

IMHO, I don't think that he really appreciates who you are, and I don't think you should have to put up with it.

 

Remember that you could always go and do something similar, and see what he has to say about that. See how it makes him feel if YOU sleep around.... (crazy I know...)

[patsy6]

Having been through this, i feel so sorry for you. ten years ago i had a 'wonderful' husband, three beautiful young children, a great sex life etc etc. I found out my husband had been with a prostitute and because i loved him so much i tried to work through it. Ten years on, i havent been able to have sex with him without bursting into tears. I can't bear him touching me cos i suspected he sees prositutes regularly. Ive jsut found out thats exactly what he's been doing. Its a viscious circle really, I couldnt have sex with him cos he'd been with a prostitute, so he continued to see prostitutes. I threw everything into looking after my family but i've had no sex life to speak of for ten years and he's had a skivvy looking after him and his kids while he pays for sex (money i could well have done with). I've told him that i want us to split up but he says he'll kill himself cos he loves me so much. I will do it this time though, i'm too young to be celibate, besides i need a man who loves me more than this. LOve! GET RID OF HIM! ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT!

 

Sorry i know you love him but how can anyone work through something like this. Prostitutes becoem addictive and lets face it he could be very careful now and you may not find out next time.

[n83]

Hun this does not necessarily mean you should immediately divorce him. No doubt you are devastated but infidelity can be overcome.

 

However, there are a lot of factors that come into play ... For one thing, is he honest with you about it? I mean, he should NOT get into gory details, but he should tell you if he slept with the prostitute or not. If he can't tell you the truth, you can't move forward and begin to heal (whether that means leaving him or not).

 

If you want to stay with him, you need to know that he is truly remorseful, will understand when you are angry and upset with him and will be patient during these times, and he should also be an OPEN BOOK. No more lies, hiding things, going places and not telling you where he's going, etc..

 

If he can't do those things, then you won't be able to move forward together as a couple, plain and simple. You should seriously consider going to counseling together to try to sort through it. If he wont go with you, then go yourself, so you can figure out how to move past your own hurt, for your child's sake.

[Juliana]

In reading your post, I've begun to wonder if he didn't secretly always want to know what it would be like to be with a prostitute. Well, now he knows: It's sex that you pay for. See? He's still paying for it, now. And so is everyone he loves.

 

I would stop arguing with him. Tell him that you are positive he had sex with a prostitute. No man comes back from a night in a whorehouse $1,000. lighter without having had sex; that's ridiculous. Go and get yourself tested -- and get tested for everything, from HIV to chlamydia to the old traditionals like gonerrhea and syphilis. Syphilis can be asymptomatic in it's early stages, but basically dissolves your brain 15 years later; be very certain that you don't have it. You have to get tested for it now; later it might not show up on a test.

 

You need to recover from this shock, and that is going to mean alot of grieving, and alot of anger. I'm with all the others in saying to you that I am sorry that you are going through this. I will add, from my own perspective, you don't need to apologize or feel guilty for the things you are feeling, or for the things you may need to do in the future. You should do what feels best for you, but I certainly wouldn't be keeping this a secret from anyone for his benefit. You have nothing to be ashamed about; he does.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

People sometimes make very stupid mistakes when they have been drinking or encouraged on by their mates... I am sure that his visit probably had more to do with anger at you from a fight rather than some sexual dissatisfaction with you. the situation does sound like he was trying to get even from the fight... a very immature response, but possible especially if he was egged on by his friends to go to the brothel with them.

 

The real question is do you think this was an anomaly and that he has learned from it and your relationship is now good? If you want to try to continue the relationship, you should probably go to family counseling, and he MUST honestly admit what he did and take responsbility for it. If he won't do that, then there is a good chance he will do it again whenever he is mad at you, and never really acknowledge that his behavior is seriously wrong when he is committed to someone else and has a child.

 

So i suggest counseling, and if he won't go, then his family obviously doesn't mean enough to him to change his behavior. In which case it is better for you to leave, since sleeping with prostitutes can be very dangerous and infect you with STDs he might pick up there. Not worth the risk if he continues this behavior and doesn't acknowledge his mistakes and stop repeating them...

[candy604]

i'm sorry to hear what happened to you. But you are not overreacting. I think you have all the right to be mad at him. Just be careful if you do have an argument again..will he do the same thing? Is that a way to solve a problem?

 

But even with a bad sex life or anything, a man should not go to places like that to get sex.

[MacGyverRI]

I agree he was wrong IF he actually did it and wasn't drunk. People change w/ alcohol, some can't control things they do.

 

What was the fight about?

 

Are you willing to forgive him or do you want to throw it all away?

[rosie76]

Yes, this happened a long time ago, but he appears to be lying about it now. Changing his story a number of times shows this regardless of what he did and didn't actually do. Absolute honesty and repentance are the only way forward here - I reckon you should tell him that and work from there depending on what you feel is best for you. Maybe getting away from him for a while is necessary, if that's possible. I hope you can find someone you know who you can confide in - there is nothing for you to be ashamed of and this is not something you should go through without support. It is a terrible situation and I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

[ronghaizi]

Dear Miss-Kaos I am so sorry about what happened to you. Actually the reason i joined this forum is because I just found out my fiance did exactly the same thing two days ago. We have been together for 5.5 years and we were planning to move to London the day before he did it. It is so painful and i am so hurt that i started wondering if this is a dream. Unfortunately it is not i have to cope with it. I have put all my heart in this relationship and dreaming one day we will be married have baby but now, everthing is meaningless. I loved him deeply and i will never imagin he could do that as he said he loved me all the time! When i found out i felt sick and awefull and lonely. But i saw you, you had almost the same experience three years ago! I really want to know if you are alright now how life becomes! Rong

[Rabican]

Its not going to make you feel any better, but Im sure he did this because he could. That simple, end of story. Obviously his morals and character, and feelings for you did not outweigh his... ahem desires. Maybe hes just a jerk, but one things for sure, he paid for sex with a prostitue and then lied about it like crazy. Pack his bags!!!

[SexySadie7]

I haven't read the full three pages of posts, but what exactly was the argument about when he did this, may I ask?

I know you are hurt, and rightfully so, but this WAS before the pregnancy of your son, correct?

You say he's 5 months old and 9 plus 5 equals 14, not 18. So... it was all before you got pregnant.

I'd be worried about VD if it was me. But I think in his heart, your fiance knows what he did was a BIG mistake, and now he's terrified you will not only leave him but take your son also.

You guys need counseling. I'm sure why he did it wasn't that your sex life wasn't good, it was for other reasons.

You need to get to the bottom of those reasons, i think, to start the healing on this problem.

He's not copping to this because he fears the consequences probably.

I wish some of the guys could comment on this.

I am sorry this happened to you though, girl, I'm sure it's very hurtful.

[Gemini32]

If there's anything I have learned it's that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. It doesn't matter how pretty their girlfriend/wife is or how good the sex is. If someone has a lack of moral fiber, they will do whatever they please. You can't blame it on drinking too much, their friends or a certain circumstance. No one is perfect, but a decent person would not visit a brothel when they have a fiance and a child at home.

 

This man should have enough respect for you to at least admit what he did and ask (make that beg) for your forgiveness. How would he feel if you went out and had a random indiscretion? Since it doesn't sound like he is even willing to do that, he is a coward. I don't think anyone, let alone the mother of his child deserves that treatment.

 

So sorry you are going through this I'd like to see you move on and find someone worthy of your love.