what i've learned about men and dating

[FathomFear]

Just curious--if you were to reverse the genders in all the points in your list, which statements would turn from true to false? Most of the comments were very general. I'm not sure to what extent they're gender specific or should even be thought of that way. People like nice people. People try to see people they like. Etc. I don't see the need of gendering the comments.

[caveman91]

I agree Fathom Fear...they aren't gender specific. I think the thing that is gender specific (on average) is that women have harder time abiding by #1.

 

Men typically have a harder time with other things like actively listening. But I agree these are just things that people like.

[LonelyPast]

My take on #4:

 

Usually when we like somebody we want to leave the absolute best impression possible, and that can often mean making a calculated decision not to contact a woman for fear of coming off as clingy or not having anything to say. Sometimes I'll wait until I'm in a good mood and enough time has passed that I have a buffer of conversation topics at hand. Guys' communications styles are really quite different. A lot of us can't just keep on talking for hours because we take a more utilitarian approach to communication. I'd like to stay in constant contact, but then I feel like I have nothing to say when we actually meet up! I've never been very good at handling silence with women, especially before the relationship has reached the point where it's kosher to fill in the gaps with physical intimacy. (Always an enjoyable fallback plan!)

[Lavender25]

So how long do YOU wait before contacting someone you're interested in? And have you ever been confronted by a woman for waiting so long? Aren't you afraid she'll think you lost interest or are seeing someone else, etc.?

[LonelyPast]

So how long do YOU wait before contacting someone you're interested in?

 

Usually the first chance I get to have a private conversation with them. However, if they continuously "need to get going" or don't reciprocate any interest beyond the same disconnected courtesy that they'd show a parking garage attendant then I'm not going to be in any rush to have that conversation. A lot of women either intentionally or unintentionally make themselves unapproachable by carrying around an iron shell of professionalism with them everywhere they go. (See point #1: Be happy!)

 

I was mostly talking about the dynamics after I've already started getting to know someone though. When circumstances prevent us from actually spending time together I'm most comfortable chatting once every 2 or 3 days. In a long distance relationship that went up to once every week or two. (Well, quasi long-distance relationship since we'd agreed not to stay together but still had feelings for each other anyway)

 

And have you ever been confronted by a woman for waiting so long? Aren't you afraid she'll think you lost interest or are seeing someone else, etc.?

 

Frustratingly, the last time a woman confronted me about a perceived interest was in 8th grade. I don't worry about them thinking I've lost attraction because they don't seem to notice that I exist until I approach them anyway!

[fastball2113]

4) if he's not calling (or emaling or texting), he's not interested. If it's been more than a few days, it's not because he is busy.

 

I disagree completely with 4. Like LonelyPast said, if there's nothing to say then there's no reason to talk. Another reason for breaks in talking, playing hot and cold. Human nature is to get bored with what you have. I try to vary your levels of communication because (in my experience) it lets the woman know that i'm interested, but it doesn't make me look like a clinger or a creep.

[BriarRose]

4) if he's not calling (or emaling or texting), he's not interested. If it's been more than a few days, it's not because he is busy.

 

I disagree completely with 4. Like LonelyPast said, if there's nothing to say then there's no reason to talk. Another reason for breaks in talking, playing hot and cold. Human nature is to get bored with what you have. I try to vary your levels of communication because (in my experience) it lets the woman know that i'm interested, but it doesn't make me look like a clinger or a creep.

 

Yes, boredom, disinterest. it can be a fine line. there is no reason why someone who is interested in pursuing a relationship with you should go days without a phone call, a text, or an email, even just saying hi or to confirm weekend plans.

[BriarRose]

Just curious--if you were to reverse the genders in all the points in your list, which statements would turn from true to false? Most of the comments were very general. I'm not sure to what extent they're gender specific or should even be thought of that way. People like nice people. People try to see people they like. Etc. I don't see the need of gendering the comments.

 

 

i wasnt gendering anyone. i am a woman, so i wrote from a woman's view. i agree that some of these can apply to both. i do not feel all do.

[BriarRose]

i didnt say anything about talking for hours. i said if he goes days without some form of contact. i personally dont like chatting for long on the phone.

[Batya33]

As far as saying "I love you" sure he could feel it at the time but especially he says it early on I would focus more on the loving actions than the words - watch the feet not the lips.

In "my day" when there were few or no cell phones, pre-answering machines/voicemail, no internet a few days with no call was meaningless. Once I was in my 30s and there were all those things then yes I agree if it's early in the dating stage and he hasn't asked you out again, then 4 days without contact is probably a bad sign - if he has asked you out again and you have a plan within a week or so then I don't think it has to be a bad sign if you're not seriously dating yet.

 

I think there is a far greater risk when you have sex early on - before the couple know each other well and are emotionally close, issues like mediocre sex the first few times, performance issues, pregnancy scares, STD-related issues might be too much for the couple to handle and the choice might be to run rather than to communicate.

[BriarRose]

Yes, actions definitely show all. But i do think a lot of people say i love you and they do think they mean it at the time - even if things dont last.

[BriarRose]

I wanted to add a #8 because I see this a lot and I think it's a red flag :

 

8 when a man pushes for you to go into his place after the first date. I think this is disrespectful, but some might disagree with me.

[The_Seeker]

I'm going to have to disagree with number 1. Whether it's for girls or guys.

 

Seriously, I don't want someone is happy 24/7 because I would think that person is a fake and putting on an act. I rather someone be real on how they're feeling. If they're sad, they can cry. If they're happy, they can smile.

 

I would feel uneasy being with that person who is happy 24/7 because I feel a pressure of being a perfectionist.

[BriarRose]

I'm going to have to disagree with number 1. Whether it's for girls or guys.

 

Seriously, I don't want someone is happy 24/7 because I would think that person is a fake and putting on an act. I rather someone be real on how they're feeling. If they're sad, they can cry. If they're happy, they can smile.

 

I would feel uneasy being with that person who is happy 24/7 because I feel a pressure of being a perfectionist.

 

That makes sense, I can certainly understand that.

[The_Seeker]

That makes sense, I can certainly understand that.

 

Thank you for understanding! I was expecting to get a bashful of angry commentors on me. LOL

[BriarRose]

Thank you for understanding! I was expecting to get a bashful of angry commentors on me. LOL

 

Not at all - I had just meant people that are constantly complaining in general, you know? We all will have bad days or days we want to cry or scream or mope.

[The_Seeker]

Not at all - I had just meant people that are constantly complaining in general, you know? We all will have bad days or days we want to cry or scream or mope.

 

LOL It's good to complain or else we be so robotic in sync.

[EQIQ]

Yeah I have a problem with #4 as well.

I for one when interested in a girl, would love her to initiate contact. I feel like she is not interested if I am the one that has to do it most if not all the time, even if she responds positively every time I do so. Just kinda have a balance you know... So yeah, sometimes I let days go by, just to see if she will actually do something, if not I tend to get annoyed lol.

[purplepaisley]

I think you have to be careful of men who say the ILYs too fast (women too). Really, early on, it's not necessarily love, even if it feels like it. This can be insecurity or immaturity and sometimes signs of troubled times. They need to keep you hooked in, jealousy, control, manipulation. Men who are frauds often talk marriage and ILYs really fast, and a vulnerable woman may fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It can be a red flag and I guess in the absence of other red flags, a person can just ride it out and see if it works out, but on that same note, it can cause problems when the other person doesn't reciprocate that sentiment. Of course anyone may say it because they genuinely feel it at the time, only to realize it was a mistake, which is why I think it's important to wait a few months, a minimum of after the honeymoon phase, to say it out loud.