How do I break up with her..??

[tinsch]

So, if anyone has followed my previous threads, I've talked about the problems I've had with my current girlfriend.

 

Basically, I think its gotten to the point of no return, mainly in me. I don't see her the same. The only feelings I have left for her are the ones that would be jealous to see her with another guy on campus when the school year starts, or flaunting it all on facebook. I hate that stuff. Do I think she'll do it? I hope not.

 

Anyways, my question is this. I need both perspectives. I've always been the one broken up with. I don't know what to do as the one initiating the breakup.

 

Truthfully, I do care about her. I don't want to break up, but it needs to be done because #1 (aka ME) is not happy anymore. I want it to be a gentle falling, because I still want to be on good terms with her.. maybe?

 

I don't know whether to tell her all of her faults, say the things I don't like that have been going on, and finish with the "I just can't do it anymore." Orrr if I should simply say that I don't feel like we will get back to how we used to be. I just don't know how to go about it, what to include, and especially, WHEN DO I BRING IT UP. She is supposed to be coming over tomorrow for a few hours. I don't want to just do it right away, nor do I want to wait until she has to leave. Any suggestions?

 

Please, any advice or opinions are highly appreciated. I greatly thank you for your time.

[Ms Darcy]

My advice on how to break up is to think of this list:

 

1. Know that a break up is going to hurt no matter what. So the best thing you can do is to be tactfully honest.

 

2. Tell her the things that bothered you in general terms. Don't go into too much detail or she might start to argue you out of a break-up.

 

3. End with stating that your feelings have changed and you are no longer in love with her.

 

4. You need to be clear and firm with your decision. Do not waffle.

 

5. Give her the chance to ask questions. Again, don't go into detail but discuss what she wants to ask.

 

6. Don't wait more than 10 minutes after she arrives to start. You would be a jerk to wait until right before she leaves to mention it.

 

Good luck!

[tinsch]

Thank you! My question though.. she, I'm sure, can see this coming in a way. I have already taken pre-breakup steps in a way. Last week I brought up everything that has bothered me. She had basically no arguments back except that "her life is so stressful" and "i have to fit you in" and stuff like that. She knows the things I have issues with already, and I gave her a week to figure it out.. and there hasn't been an ounce of actual progress in regards to our relationship/communication.

 

So you're saying I should do it right when she gets here then? I don't want her driving an hour just to come to that though.. I see that as kinda rude to be honest. I'd be very very upset if a girl did that to me. Thats just me though. What do you think? I guess I failed to mention there is an hours drive one way between us..

[spring1water]

You should probably drive to her.. a drive after a break up is the worst, I would know. Time alone to thing about all the ways you "screwed up"!

[tinsch]

I know. I feel bad about it in a way.. but truthfully, I drove there 90% of the time and she took it for granted. There's nights I've left her place in just as bad of a mood. She's driven maybe 6 out of the 30 times we've seen each other this summer. Does that make a difference?

[WockaWocka]

I know. I feel bad about it in a way.. but truthfully, I drove there 90% of the time and she took it for granted. There's nights I've left her place in just as bad of a mood. She's driven maybe 6 out of the 30 times we've seen each other this summer. Does that make a difference?

 

Not only will you driving to her help cushion the blow and reduce any potential accidents*, but think of it this way: if you drive to her you are free to leave at any time. If she drives to you and gets clingy during the breakup, it could be awkward.

 

I think Ms Darcy's advice was excellent, the only thing I'd add is that if you wanted you could make a gesture towards friendship when she's comfortable. Tell her she should feel free to get in touch if she wants to be friends down the road. Truthfully it may never happen but at least will reduce her bitterness.

 

Good luck!!

 

*true story: I once broke up with a guy on the 3rd date while we were at his place, and unfortunately needed him to give me a ride home. (Not well thought-out, obviously). He proceeded to get so disoriented that he drove me 30 miles in the wrong direction (and I didn't know the area, so didn't realize it). Made things _much_ more awkward!

[Ms Darcy]

I know. I feel bad about it in a way.. but truthfully, I drove there 90% of the time and she took it for granted. There's nights I've left her place in just as bad of a mood. She's driven maybe 6 out of the 30 times we've seen each other this summer. Does that make a difference?

 

Not really. She never broke up with you when you went to visit her. It's an emotionally devastating experience. I would advise you to either drive up to see her or meet her half-way in a public place.

[tinsch]

I see.. I suppose its just tough because today will be the only time I see her for the next two weeks because she'll be very busy with work (putting in 14 hour days). I'll see what I can do.

 

So, a review of everything:

 

I should do it well before she leaves (if I don't drive to see her)

I need to express simply the things that I haven't appreciated or liked lately

Tell her that my feelings have changed

Say that we should breakup, and be firm about it

Let her ask questions

 

If she asks specific questions.. do I still keep my answers general, or do I go in depth? I know MsDarcy said to keep things very lightly detailed and general

[spinstermanquee]

I'm against giving anything beyond a general "I don't see this working out" if you are really set on breaking up with her.

 

Anything specific will just invite further conversation / examination / argument / blamethrowing / defending blah blah blah

 

Once I told this guy I didn't want to see him any more and he pestered me and pestered me for a specific reason. When I finally caved and gave it to him, he tried to argue / rationalize me out of it! Even MORE of a turnoff.

 

So that's why I say better keep it general or even better, blame it on yourself then she has nothing to draw out the discussion.

[catfeeder]

I'm against giving anything beyond a general "I don't see this working out" if you are really set on breaking up with her.

 

Anything specific will just invite further conversation / examination / argument / blamethrowing / defending blah blah blah[...]

 

I agree. Short and sweet. You're not trying to start a war, you're trying to exit. Running down the things she did 'wrong' is unnecessary and invites a fight. Telling her you're not happy in the relationship and don't see it working out is valid enough reason to end a relationship.

 

All relationships are voluntary.

[tinsch]

She "can't" come over today. I'm driving there. Making excuses for me not to come. Bad sign on her part.

 

Thank you all for your support and advice. I'll be sure to post how it goes

[Ms Darcy]

I see.. I suppose its just tough because today will be the only time I see her for the next two weeks because she'll be very busy with work (putting in 14 hour days). I'll see what I can do.

 

So, a review of everything:

 

I should do it well before she leaves (if I don't drive to see her)

I need to express simply the things that I haven't appreciated or liked lately

Tell her that my feelings have changed

Say that we should breakup, and be firm about it

Let her ask questions

 

If she asks specific questions.. do I still keep my answers general, or do I go in depth? I know MsDarcy said to keep things very lightly detailed and general

 

How you approach this is really up to you. I personally think it would be extremely callous to tell someone you have been with for a long time to say "It's not working" and then walk out the door. How much you share really has to do with how you think she will react and what kind of questions she might ask.

 

It might help if you lay out for us the major issues you have in your relationship in a list form and we might be able to advise you. There are some things it's wise to bring up and some it's not. For example, if you are going to be long distance for several years, then it makes sense to mention that as a major problem.

 

Yes, relationships are voluntary, but how would you feel if some girl you were really into dumped you in what felt for you out of the blue without offering some sort of explanation.

[tinsch]

Truly, she's sabotaged every relationship she's had before. With me? She's pushed me away, purposely and subconsciously, yet she tried to let me back in. After 3 weeks of feeling like you're not dating the same person, its hard to get back in to where you were.

 

She's asked me a few times why I hadn't broken up with her yet. It won't be a surprise to her or out of the blue

[Ms Darcy]

Truly, she's sabotaged every relationship she's had before. With me? She's pushed me away, purposely and subconsciously, yet she tried to let me back in. After 3 weeks of feeling like you're not dating the same person, its hard to get back in to where you were.

 

She's asked me a few times why I hadn't broken up with her yet. It won't be a surprise to her or out of the blue

 

In that case, you can keep it quick.

 

How has she pushed you away?

[catfeeder]

[...] Yes, relationships are voluntary, but how would you feel if some girl you were really into dumped you in what felt for you out of the blue without offering some sort of explanation.

 

I can appreciate your point if the relationship 'appears' to be going smoothly and a breakup would hit out of nowhere. Unfortunately, most problems in relationships are readily apparent. There have been talks. And talks. And fights. And power struggles. All to the point where, the only thing that likely comes as a surprise to the dumpee is the degree to which the dumping partner is DONE.

 

Sure, there are cases where one partner has been so passively dissatisfied that they've kept the other in the dark--but if the blind partner keeps plowing over the other believing everything is fine, that's a toxic enough dynamic to make an exit without a report card. If the passive person is so fearful of confrontation that they've never spoken up, then a clean exit is likely the best they can manage--and better that kind of exit than staying stuck in something one can't handle.

 

Point is, this isn't a divorce. People break up all the time. There doesn't need to be a villain in order to want out. Nobody is required to counsel another on their behavior. We all get to decide when we're in or when we're out--and wanting out does not obligate you to stage an exit interview.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and my best,

Cat

[Ms Darcy]

Appreciate your perspective.

 

It seems I'm coming from a different side than usual. I'm often saying telling dumpees that the relationship is over, getting dumped doesn't make the dumper evil, and they need to move on. (And then I can seem very cruel to others in thinking people can't always get their exes back.)

 

From my own perspective, I am surprised at how surprisingly little people really lay out their thoughts and concerns during the relationship. Often they try, but the communication needs a little smoothing before both can be heard.

 

But in terms of a break up, I think how to do it depends on the length, strength, and personality elements in the relationship. He could disappear and never talk to her again. That's his right and he'd never be arrested for it. He could also sit her down and lay out every incident she has ever done to upset him. There are extremes in either direction.

 

In my own personal belief, if you are ready to leave then you should have thought it through thoroughly. And if you have many points in your mind, it's only respectful to communicate appropriate concerns with the other person firmly. Assuming you have an emotionally stable person you are dealing with, yes the breakup can be hard, but most people do appreciate at least a little explanation. And without many exceptions, the dumpee is going to ask a question or two. That's when it's time to find a balance - being respectful to respond to general questions but not getting into an argument.

 

I had a break up several years ago where he started out saying that this mind was made up and explained a couple of his reasons for ending it. I asked how long he felt this way and if he would change his mind. Softball questions. He responded and then we ended it. It's not an exit interview in my mind so much as closure. If you know who you are with and respect them, then often times that closure conversation can really be helpful to the dumpee in the long run.

[QuirkyCute]

Totally agree with you, Ms. Darcy.

 

I started not to comment, but after reading some of the responses and thinking about my own situation, I feel I could contribute.

 

My recent ex did the, "I don't see a future with you", then cut and run. He did not offer any explanation whatsoever, and got angry with me when I asked (he actually hung up on me). Did I have blinders on? Absolutely not. Was I "plowing over" him? Not even close. I quite literally didn't do ANYTHING to deserve that. I. DIDN'T. DO. ANYTHING. So, yes, the breakup came completely out of the blue to me. Is it my fault he's passive (and, as it turns out, a conflict avoider)? When someone ends a relationship in a really crappy way, it isn't fair to assume that the person they're dumping deserves it in some way, or that it was clear that it was coming. Not true in my case.

 

OP, if you haven't broken up with her yet, and you do come back to read some of the responses you've gotten, REGARDLESS of her treatment of you, you do NOT need to cut and run. That is cruel, and you (probably) wouldn't want it done to you. End it, be as clear as possible as to what your reasons are, and allow her to ask questions that you will honestly answer. Let me repeat, BE AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE. Here I am, about 6 months later, and while I'm doing fine I STILL have no clue why I was broken up with, what led to it, and why he's handling it the way he is.

[tinsch]

Thank you all. It is done. We talked for a little over an hour. I told her why I felt the way I did. It was all pretty much a repeat of things I've said before, but for once I think she finally understood because she knew what was happening. There are no questions as to why it happened, nor was there any fighting or anger towards one another. We both shed tears, and I left.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you all. It is done. We talked for a little over an hour. I told her why I felt the way I did. It was all pretty much a repeat of things I've said before, but for once I think she finally understood because she knew what was happening. There are no questions as to why it happened, nor was there any fighting or anger towards one another. We both shed tears, and I left.

 

I think you did the right thing by telling her why. It's not easy, but it does provide closure. You should be proud of yourself and know that you have done all that you can. When you respect the person enough to know they can probably take what you have to say, you will find a lot of maturity mixed with the inevitable maudlin mood. You really faced this head on. Good for you.

 

Hugs.

[tinsch]

Quirky: Right, I know the feeling all too well. I've always been the one broken up with, screwed over, left in the dust. For once I took charge. I didn't want to do it, but I know deep down I had to because I was not looking out for #1 (myself). It, as MsDarcy so clearly stated, has left me in an inevitable sadness, partial regret (for throwing away a girl who cares so much about me), and an aching loneliness. Its sobering knowing that her and I are both on the same page though, and that this was something that needed to happen.

 

As for everyone else, I truly do appreciate everything. Your kind advice and life experiences helped me follow through with whats good for me for once in my life. I'm just scared now though. I don't know how to move on, if I want to, or anything of that sort. Don't judge me, but I know a few girls I can "move on" with, and have non emotional relationships with. I'm not saying I'm going to, but I could.. I just don't know when, or how to start moving on without further hurting myself (if I end up regretting seeing other girls) or if she were to find out.. Keep in mind, we can go our separate ways, but we will be seeing a lot of each other when the school year rolls around. There's no avoiding that.

 

Basically, I don't know what I want now.. any advice on how to get on the train of forward progress?