Found out why men do not want to date me

[BriarRose]

There are also plenty of men in our age group who are not into all the outdoorsy athletic stuff. There are people out there with all kinds of interests that involve less activity.

 

I agree completely.

[catfeeder]

Yes but a lot of them want 25 year olds too. [...]

 

You're still doing it. You've assigned some dumbed-down homogenized stereotype of 'what men want' to an entire population, and you're pointing to that as your reason for feeling lousy. Based on the limits of one guy, you're doing to both men and women exactly what you don't want done to you. You've reduced human beings down to swimsuit poster people who can only pose for one another and find value in youth and athletics.

 

Sure, you can do that if you want, and you're so full of 'buts' that it's obvious your mind is made up. 'But' it's discouraging to see someone who's fought her way out of a wheel chair put that kind of cheap roadblock in front of her own vision when it comes to the unique and sacred validity of human intimacy.

 

You're adopting a crude prejudice based on the opinion of one idiot, and you're deliberately accepting it as 'the way things are...'. That's your choice, and you're entitled to it, but if you expect anyone else to help you feel better about that, you're spinning your wheels.

 

Your barrier to love is not an inability to fulfill some sunset beach fantasy cliche'. If you want to remove a barrier, you can't hold onto it and defend it at the same. If you want to believe that the only women worthy of interest from men are under 25 and good hiking partners and any man who'd compromise such an ideal would be too unhealthy and unappealing for you to consider, then you've created a conundrum that nobody here can talk you out of.

 

I hope you'll stop using your intelligence against yourself. I've invested a lot of my weekend in these two posts because I believe you're too smart to paint yourself into such a provincial corner. Please tell me that my efforts are not wasted.

 

Best wishes.

[adequate]

I understand what you are saying. I am just talking about the experiences I have had so far with online dating (in their profiles they are my age but say they are looking for woman 10-20 years younger) and with a few other men who did not want to date because of my condition besides the one I talked about. I guess I just want to be realistic with my situation when it comes to dating again. Don't forget I was married for 6 years and with him for 8 years when he left (4.5years ago) and a lot of that time is when I was in my wheechair and learning how to walk again. He could not handle it. I guess you are right in that I really did not think all this through. There probably are a lot of men out there what would accept me but I have not met them yet.

[BriarRose]

I did on line dating for over a year and I did not have a problem with men my age not being interested because they wanted someone 10-20 years younger. I am still single, but not because of that. It was a non-issue. I question what site you met these guys on and perhaps better to join a site where you can put age parameters. I had my age settings on my age+10 years. You need to be open to dating men a few years older than yourself, not sure if you have done that?

[catfeeder]

I understand. I admire you, and I appreciate the ways you've been able to admire yourself. I don't want to see you tarnish the drive and optimism that has propelled you through hardship by adopting beliefs about adult interaction that are throwbacks to our most juvenile fears and insecurities. You've come too far to fall backward.

 

Dating is the Wimbleton of social interaction. It's so challenging that training for it has become a multi-million dollar industry. Instead of physical stamina, it requires mental flexibility and emotional resiliency. One 'injury' can either crash your focus and limit you indefinitely, or it can be turned into a learning device about yourself and your true capabilities. It's a mistake to assign one isolated injury as a weapon common to all potential dates.

 

You're not even in the market for a guy who lacks the capacity to see you through clear vision--so why consider one of those as part of your market?

 

If you really want a pragmatic and realistic view of dating, head straight for a good Marketing 101 textbook. This can teach you about market segments, including 'niche' markets, and why people who try to market to the whole population instead of targeting the right audience often sink themselves.

 

You are not in the market for Everyman. Don't diffuse your focus or get sidetracked and discouraged by any man who falls outside your segment. Numbers don't matter--you only need ONE good match. As with all of us, this could take a lifetime, or it could take a week. A good match is someone who gets you, who 'clicks' with you. Allow all others to pass early.

 

In your corner.

[adequate]

Wow! I love the way you articulate yourself and in that aspect I am a lot like you. I need to take a step back from everything and do a lot of thinking. I like that analogy of reading a good Marketing 101 textbook! I actually spit out my drink and was laughing so hard and then thought it was a great idea. How old you? You seem very wise and thank you for taking the time this afternoon to help make me looks at things in a different perspective.

[catfeeder]

Wow! I love the way you articulate yourself and in that aspect I am a lot like you. I need to take a step back from everything and do a lot of thinking. I like that analogy of reading a good Marketing 101 textbook! I actually spit out my drink and was laughing so hard and then thought it was a great idea. How old you? You seem very wise and thank you for taking the time this afternoon to help make me looks at things in a different perspective.

 

Hah! Yeah, I know it sounds silly. Marketing is really a 'branding' of psychology, if you think about it. Everything is being marketed all the time--just try to identify anything that isn't. Selling intangibles is as much an art form as is selling a product, whether it's a religion, getting out the vote, raising funds for a charity, or branding a name to a dieting method, a travel package or a cooking show.

 

Why not learn what's been learned before about marketing everything else in the universe? If you wanted to find a good roommate or a playgroup for your child or a pet sitter for your dog, you'd be marketing your needs and your money or services to exchange while potential suppliers would be marketing to you.

 

People who would criticize your dog or kid or home might hurt your feelings a bit, but you'd just write them off as not being part of your market and you'd continue to pursue your best outcome. You wouldn't fold and decide that there must BE no market based on some negative noise. So why are people so quick to decide that there must be no market for their most intrinsic desires to love and be loved?

 

I'm 48, and I've never married. Not once have I ever believed that I couldn't have a good relationship. Of course I've had my heart broken--who hasn't? I just see love and companionship as a foundational desire that people can delay or prioritize any way we want at any given time. I've had wonderful partners and bad timing or circumstances, and I've had great timing with some wrong guys. Had I married some of my 'perfect' loves, I'd be divorced several times over by now.

 

It's all good. When you're capable of giving love, give it. If the right person comes along to give you some in return, enjoy it. If the wrong guy comes along and insults you, give him the boot and get on with your life. There are a zillion "what if's" that we can use to scare ourselves or depress ourselves and keep our world small, or there are more important things to focus on and enjoy as we expand our hearts and minds. I vote for expansion, and I bet you do, too.

 

Your bloated friend,

Cat

[Debbie37]

Hey,

 

a good friends of mine has a mother who was left paraplegic after a car acceident over 20 years ago. She and her husband divorced several years after the accident (they had always had a bad marriage) and several years after the divorce she met another man, they fell in love, married, and now he is my friends step father. My friends mother and stepfather are still in love to this day and have a very good relationship. Haha they mentioned at a family dinner in front of everyone that they "keep the sex dirty and the fights clean" (my friend was traumatized)

 

After her accident and the divorce she felt like no one would want to marry a wheelchair bound single mother, but a few years later she met the love of her life, who feels priviledged to be with her, and doesnt consider her a "burden" in any way

 

They are a very happy and inspiring couple. Just wanted to share that.

[jazzykat]

It's easy to get discouraged WG (you wouldn't be human if you didn't)- but remember there are other people in a similar boat as you to, and we all deserve genuine partners who deserve us to! Please believe me when I say there are men out there would be over the moon to share a life with you.. The same sort of positive thinking and determined attitude that got you through your divorce, accident, and bought your condo -will serve you well in attracting a like minded partner! Keep the Faith!

[BriarRose]

I personally am very attracted to men who have dealt with adversity in their life. It shows strength and develops empathy. I am guessing a lot of men might feel the same way about women.

[kristenjo]

Please don't let your condition bring you down. One of my good work friends has MS, and she is married to a guy in a metal band! She has to use a wheelchair sometimes, and I believe she was diagnosed prior to the marriage. She is an amazing woman and they appear to be very much in love. Also, my cousin (who is very good-looking and has a great job) married a woman with 3 children that was confined to a wheelchair after a car accident. I really think with your independence and courage you will have no problem finding love. Please don't let the opinion of one guy bring you down.