The Four Agreements - Don't Make Assumptions

[rapunzel]

"The Four Agreements" is such a great book to read and re-read in the wake of a break up. If you haven't read it yet, you should.

 

All of the agreements apply to all facets of life but are especially helpful in dealing with a break up. Because we are human, our minds can run amok and play tricks on us. One thing I fall prey to is assuming things about my ex when I don't have any clear evidence. This is something we all do but is something we should all pay attention to.

 

For example, recently I felt that my ex was being standoffish (we work together) and we then had the longest period of No Contact that we've had since we met - 5.5 weeks. Well, we're still in this No Contact period but because I had to send a work email and he was included, then it wasn't exactly complete NC but I have not SEEN him which is key. Anyway, I started assuming all kinds of things, getting paranoid, and conjuring up all sorts of scenarios...which is a fool's game.

 

We both blew off each other's birthdays this summer which was a good thing so I did not have to read into his actions or nonactions and he did not have to read into mine.

 

So today he sent a cheerful response to the work email (and this was not at ALL required), thanking me for doing it and saying "See ya next week..."

 

So I started assuming things again (you know where this is going)....WRONG. He is a work colleague who simply thanked me for doing something. That's all it is, and when he was being a bit standoffish when I last saw him? I assumed it had something to do with ME. WRONG. I have no idea what it was and I may have even exaggerated it to satisfy my ego.

 

He's a nice guy, my ex. I will not ASSUME anything by his contacts with me. I'm thankful that he is trying to maintain a cordial working relationship and that he is not a jerk.

[blueeyedme]

I had forgotten about that book. It is indeed a great read.

[rapunzel]

Yes, it is a great read....and wonderful concepts which can be challenging to apply in real life.

 

Case in point: as stated, got the email from ex and was enjoying the longest period of NC I've had with him; I always feel better when he's out of my sights. Then I get this email and I'm wondering: am I supposed to respond? I'm going to see him next week (sigh). I feel *not* responding is sort of rude since we work together (musicians). I know he's single, I've seen him recently active on an online dating site and while I do feel his contact is purely friendly, it was not necessary. But as we all know when you are in contact with an ex: it can cause one's mind to run amok.

 

The thing is: if anyone else wrote me as he did, I would reply....it's the friendly, cordial thing to do. But he's an ex, and the break up(s) with him hurt me deeply so opening up an email exchange is fraught with complication - but again, this "complication" is stuff I make up in my own head. And it is a good idea to maintain a friendly working relationship I suppose....

[Batya33]

I totally agree (haven't read the book) that it is your choice and within your total control as to how to react to whatever he does or doesn't do.

[rapunzel]

Agreed. I'm still having a made up conversation with that little voice that's telling me that whatever I do (or not do) is going to have some kind of effect (or not) on him/me/our working situation.

 

The most cordial, professional thing to do - I think - is respond. ](*,)

[AutumnBorn]

Tell me more about this book....

[rapunzel]

The book is "The Four Agreements" - by Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

The agreements are:

 

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don't take anything personally

3. Don't make assumptions

4. Always do your best.

 

Pretty basic stuff. "Don't take anything personally" is a tough one to absorb, after one has been dumped but he illustrates it so well that it makes perfect sense.

 

So I still haven't responded to his email. I guess it really doesn't matter if I do or not, so I'm going to try and "let go" of this today. It's truly an insignificant matter and I will TRY to not waste time attempting to figure out his motives.

 

It helps to look at my own experience. I broke up with a long term boyfriend 3 years ago. I still contact him from time to time. Why? Well, we have mutual friends but also because I miss him, I miss the companionship and on some level, I do love him. I care about him. But do I want a relationship with him? Truthfully, no....because the reasons I broke up with him are still present, are still valid - and if we started up again, it wouldn't last because he is still the same person he was. I still feel fond feelings for him and it's possible that my ex feels the same way about me - BUT - there is NO indication that he wants to have a relationship with me.

[Batya33]

Also it helps to keep in mind that responding to an email or a comment on an FB page takes no thought and a matter of seconds. Or, it could take hours of thought but safer to assume the former.

[rapunzel]

Oh yeah, agreed. It wasn't a FB message, it was an email but it makes no difference. Once again, it's best not to make any assumptions!

[Batya33]

Oh yeah, agreed. It wasn't a FB message, it was an email but it makes no difference. Once again, it's best not to make any assumptions!

 

I know it was an email, was just giving a general example. I do wonder whether it makes matters worse when you turn to books like the four agreements to "analyze" how to react - does that give it more credibility and take up even more of your time than it's worth?

[MalibuOne]

I know it was an email, was just giving a general example. I do wonder whether it makes matters worse when you turn to books like the four agreements to "analyze" how to react - does that give it more credibility and take up even more of your time than it's worth?

 

Excellent point. I've read a gazillion books on this stuff, each claiming to have found the one true path. I gleaned nuggets I could use from each but ultimately the pondering about matching my actions to the "rules" became too cumbersome and time consuming. Now, I just act from my own experience and values, seek help from others when I need it and hope I'm making the best choices possible given the information I have at hand.

[rapunzel]

Yes, reading such a book as a reminder probably takes up more time than it is worth but when my mind reverts to magical thinking, it does help ground me in reality. It's not so much that I need to follow a rule, I just know that due to my obsessive nature, it is tempting for me to fall back into bad habits. Just like an alcoholic has to attend AA meetings to stay sober or someone who is depressed takes medication. Whatever it takes.

[jenna-is-here]

Great read. The part that has helped me was the "Dont take anything personally" chapter.