SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 I would like to find out, if reconciliations´attempts after a longer time of being apart are really more successful or not (with successful reconciliation I mean dating for at least a month). I would like to compare 0 - 6 months of being apart, 6 - 12 months and 1 year - xy years. Do you have any ideas about this problem? Because I am leaving the country for half a year, I can try to contact him only 10 months after the breakup. Do you think it will lessen or highten my chance? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 It would be hard to say what would heighten your chances, but the recons I have seen are after at least a year apart. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 I have heard real stories of couples coming back together after 10 years apart. Some of these couples weren't even long-term to begin with! I'm a strong believer that if it's meant to be, it'll happen, no matter how long it takes. For now, it's best to try and move on with your life and let the future dictate what happens from here on out. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 For now, it's best to try and move on with your life and let the future dictate what happens from here on out. I am trying, but it is really difficult - because of my upcoming departure, I have to put on hold almost everything... (the most irritating are really nice guys who seem interested, but it would be pointless to start anything with any of them...) Link to comment
lostnscared Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 From what I know typical recon's that last occur when a break up or break has occurred for at least 4 months or longer. Anything sooner seems to not work so well. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 OOOOH you were asking WHEN a reconciliation is possible for it to be successful. Well, from what I've learned around here, it has to be about a year or more apart in order for real positive changes to happen between the two ex-lovers. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 So do you think one could think of it as just starting to date any other person? Link to comment
lostnscared Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 But honestly I wouldn't really count on a specific time frame. There's a good chance that 10 months from now he may not want to be with you and that you won't want to be with him. Just as there is chance that he will get back with you. You just don't know, which is why it's good to move forward and let it go, because otherwise your mourning a possibility that may not exist. Reconcillations don't happen as often as people on ENA make them out to be. And many of them don't last. I don't think there is a "set formula" on when a reconcillation will be more successful. I've known couples that took a break for a month and got back together permanently. I know couples who broke up for 2-3 months and got back together permanently. And I knows that broke up and years down the road got back together permanently. On the same hand I KNOW couples where they've gotten back together too quickly(less than 60 days of NC) and it failed. And I know couples that got back together after a year and it failed. So you can't really take the experiences on ENA as "solid" proof that something will work for you. I never go by stats or experiences that others go by(if I did, my life would be quite sad) I kind of toot my own horn and do what feels right and best for me based on my own conscious feelings and thoughts. Not--"Oh people took a break for a year and it worked out good for them and I'm going to do it too"... I sort of just do what feels right and what is right for my situation. Hnestly if I were broken up with anyone for a year I would move on.. There would be no possible reconcillation because once I'm done for good, I'm done. and if your ex has that mentality then you may not have that "second chance". If I were in your position, I would use this 6 month out of country visit to really move forward with my life... If he comes back, he will, if he doesn't, he won't. Good luck Link to comment
faithful14 Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 I don't think there's an actual answer to this question because I have heard of couples who reunited and were happily married after being 3-4 months apart and also couples who have been apart for over a year. And they were in long term relationships. I've also known some of my mom's friends who seperated from their husbands from anywhere from 3-6 months. Some of them were able to workout their problems and some of them seperated for good. So everyone will give you a different answer based on their own experiences and of those around them. Most people will agree with the more time you are apart, there could be a better chance of reconciling because it takes some time for people to realize their mistakes and then work on improving themselves. Link to comment
MalibuOne Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 You're trying to put structure and control around something that is too nebulous to be factored out like an equation. There are just too many variables to get through. I understand trying to put structure around your situation, but trust me, all that does is slow your healing. If you thought it would be a sure thing that you'd get back together in, say six weeks, you'd stop efforts at healing and just tough it out, right? Wouldn't it be quite a blow to find out the stats were wrong and there you are, no further along than you were when the breakup happened? That said, use your upcoming trip to your advantage. Don't overlook future opportunities because you're hung up on what MIGHT happen in the future. Best of luck! Link to comment
soul12 Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 You're trying to put structure and control around something that is too nebulous to be factored out like an equation. There are just too many variables to get through. I understand trying to put structure around your situation, but trust me, all that does is slow your healing. If you thought it would be a sure thing that you'd get back together in, say six weeks, you'd stop efforts at healing and just tough it out, right? Wouldn't it be quite a blow to find out the stats were wrong and there you are, no further along than you were when the breakup happened? That said, use your upcoming trip to your advantage. Don't overlook future opportunities because you're hung up on what MIGHT happen in the future. Best of luck! Malibu is SOOOOO right! Every couple that I have known to have gotten back together, no one waited on the other person. It wasn't until after they both MOVED ON and COMPLETELY forgot about all the old. I feel like a broken record saying that, but you realize that that is the only truth. To answer the question of the OP, if it was meant to be, it'll happen. It could be a week, it could be a month, it could be a year. NO ONE on this forum knows for certain. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 Thank you all for the answers! I sort of just do what feels right and what is right for my situation. Hnestly if I were broken up with anyone for a year I would move on.. There would be no possible reconcillation because once I'm done for good, I'm done. and if your ex has that mentality then you may not have that "second chance". Good luck I sincerelly hope, that it is not the case (although it is quite probable...) The problem is, that I think the good time to try to reconcile would be about now (we have met recently and it seemed to me, that there was still "something" between us...) and I cannot do it because I am leaving... It is just frustrating to know, that I am unable to do anything about the situation right now and after half a year it may be late... If I were in your position, I would use this 6 month out of country visit to really move forward with my life... If he comes back, he will, if he doesn't, he won't. Yes, and there is my hope, that after half a year, I will have forgotten him and moved on... (or realized what kind of jerk he was... ) Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 You're trying to put structure and control around something that is too nebulous to be factored out like an equation. There are just too many variables to get through. I understand trying to put structure around your situation, but trust me, all that does is slow your healing. If you thought it would be a sure thing that you'd get back together in, say six weeks, you'd stop efforts at healing and just tough it out, right? Wouldn't it be quite a blow to find out the stats were wrong and there you are, no further along than you were when the breakup happened? That said, use your upcoming trip to your advantage. Don't overlook future opportunities because you're hung up on what MIGHT happen in the future. Best of luck! I will try! On the other hand - maybe if I knew, that I have a solid chance, I would stop worrying about it so much and only revisited the problem after I am back (and after enjoying new experiences) instead of thinking about it so much...? But I really donť know... Malibu is SOOOOO right! Every couple that I have known to have gotten back together, no one waited on the other person. It wasn't until after they both MOVED ON and COMPLETELY forgot about all the old. I feel like a broken record saying that, but you realize that that is the only truth. To answer the question of the OP, if it was meant to be, it'll happen. It could be a week, it could be a month, it could be a year. NO ONE on this forum knows for certain. I will have to print it up and put on the wall to really get it through... Thank you! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 These things are strictly anecdotal, because I've never seen any real data. So treat them as such. My impression, though, is that reconciliations either happen very quickly (within days or weeks) or after a long separation (a year, maybe years). In the first case, they never really broke up; in the second case, they grew apart (a good thing) then came back together. The middle ground doesn't seem to work, because the breakup is real and one (or both) tries to force a reconciliation rather than let the broken relationship go. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 Thanks for the thought, it is interesting and sounds logical... Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 What concerns me is that you'll spend your time apart planning on contacting him and hoping for a reconcilliation instead of moving on. If he dumped you, he should make the attempt at reconcillation. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 28, 2010 Author Share Posted July 28, 2010 Yeah - that worries me too... But the guys I was thinking about dating will have forgotten me by the time I get back and I will have to start entirely from the beginning... Link to comment
jimmajam Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 You see a lot of people on here making posts gushing about how they got back together after a few weeks or months. That's great for them, but there are plenty of cases where they came back shortly after and had to make a post like "Well, they left again..." or "Well, it's finally over for good.". My point is that don't try to rush it or force it. The fact is that you two both have history with each other. No matter what happens you will always know each other and have memories. Due to that fact, there is always going to be a chance you will cross paths again. So, just let it go. It seems most successful reconciliations happen by what seems like random chance. I rarely see successful reconciliations where one side is trying to make it happen - especially the dumpee. If it's meant to be you will run into each other again and with good timing and the core of why you were together in the first place - maybe you will hit it off all over again. Link to comment
GenoGeno Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I don't think i've ever seen once case even of it working when the dumpee is pushing for it. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I don't think i've ever seen once case even of it working when the dumpee is pushing for it. Me either. The only ones I've seen work are where the "dumper" initiated contact (happened to me more than once) or -- perhaps better -- the two crossed paths accidentally and randomly. I've posted before about a friend of mine who was dumped by his then-girlfriend (now wife) and was apart from her for several years. She eventually asked him out to a show (the ol' "extra ticket" story), and he agreed but said he was "highly skeptical" of her intentions. But here they are now, two daughters later ... Link to comment
lostnscared Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I've seen a few cases where the dumpee was able to reconcile with the dumper for good. But usually it was more of the case, of a break up that was "mutual" with no "bad" feelings and in those cases both people were the dumpees and dumpers stimultaneously. I honestly think that unless you are the dumper or the break up was mutual with both people agreeing on "good terms" than the dumpee should not try to get back with the dumper. The dumpee should wait for the dumper to make the moves. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Yeah - that worries me too... But the guys I was thinking about dating will have forgotten me by the time I get back and I will have to start entirely from the beginning... Sorry to say but that is a pretty lame excuse. So you'll meet new guys. And Any man that is really special who thinks you are really special will not forget about you. That is what you should be banking on, and not planning for the right time to connect with a man that treated you less than how you deserve to be treated. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 You see a lot of people on here making posts gushing about how they got back together after a few weeks or months. That's great for them, but there are plenty of cases where they came back shortly after and had to make a post like "Well, they left again..." or "Well, it's finally over for good.". ... So, just let it go. It seems most successful reconciliations happen by what seems like random chance. I rarely see successful reconciliations where one side is trying to make it happen - especially the dumpee. I have to remember it... I just hate sitting around and doing nothing about a problem... I honestly think that unless you are the dumper or the break up was mutual with both people agreeing on "good terms" than the dumpee should not try to get back with the dumper. The dumpee should wait for the dumper to make the moves. It was like (very short version Me: I don´t like how you behave towards me, lets talk about it... (By that time I thought that the breakup was quite probable) Him: I think we should break up... Me: OK, you should have said it a lot sooner... Than a short boring conversation (not about the relationship) and good bye... So there has never been arguing or anything... And I haven´t contacted him since and behaved friendly when we met... How would you clasify this kind of breakup? Sorry to say but that is a pretty lame excuse. So you'll meet new guys. And Any man that is really special who thinks you are really special will not forget about you. That is what you should be banking on, and not planning for the right time to connect with a man that treated you less than how you deserve to be treated. You are right... I hope I will be able to follow your advice very soon... Link to comment
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