How do you you deal with the anger?

[annbuckley]

I am so hurt and so angry. My ex is with another already, but keeps me in the loop. I was doing fine - and then - Booooom.

 

The last thing that I said to him was "I love you" and that was the last thing I wanted to say to him. He doesn't want to be with me, but he doesn't let me go either. I did the NC issue, but my guy suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder - which in itself is a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Other threads have discussed it - and it is all true - all that is said about it. He knows just how to draw me in and sucker punch my heart perfectly. He is the victim and I am taking advantage of his good nature in his mind.

 

But no matter what the reason is for a breakup, anger is part of the process.

 

How do you deal with the bitterness? How do you let it go? I am angry at him, at me, at the loss of dreams and when I am not angry, I am crying like a fool in grief of the loss. I am mad/sad about all of it - everything - from having to start all over again to his smug and easy replacement. I feel like screaming, punching and having a child like temper tantrum over and over again - but it doesn't help to dispel the hurt.

 

I look forward to your thoughts.

Ann

[littlegirlblue]

Hi Ann,

 

Your ex and mine sound very similar. Mine doesn't want me but always seems to come back. As for the someone else, same with me. Then he came back to me again. Now he told me today he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It really plays on your emotions and messes with your head!

 

The way I'm trying to look at things is his type of personality will probably be wanting you to react like this. it would more annoy him if you didn't react at all. That's kind of what I'm going to try and do from today onwards. I just finished writing him a "I agree with the split" email. It's the last contact i will have. Maybe you should put all your energy in to showing him he's not caused the loss of your dreams and that you can be happy again. They say the best way to get back at your ex is to be happy! It's worth a shot? Take Care x

[GenoGeno]

Right on from being from Vancouver - me too! but you deal with it the best you can. There is no easy way to deal with it. I went through kind of the same thing and eventually you just build a subconscious wall towards them I guess.

[Nerdyjock]

How did you hear about your ex's new relationship. If you are still in the anger part of the breakup, you need to distance yourself from your ex. Make sure you have no way of finding these things out about him. TRUST ME, it's only going to make it so much harder for you. Hide their updates on facebook, and resist the urge to go to any friend's pages where you might see their updates. It takes effort, but take comfort in knowing you have power to help yourself in these tiny little ways.

[annbuckley]

How did you hear about your ex's new relationship. If you are still in the anger part of the breakup, you need to distance yourself from your ex. Make sure you have no way of finding these things out about him. TRUST ME, it's only going to make it so much harder for you. Hide their updates on facebook, and resist the urge to go to any friend's pages where you might see their updates. It takes effort, but take comfort in knowing you have power to help yourself in these tiny little ways.

 

I found out that he was dating from a friend who saw him on Plenty of Fish. I then learned that he was on about 5 dating sites. A couple of weeks ago he told me he was going to be out of town, in an area where I have my boat moored. The gossip always flies as I have many friends in the area. They always tell me what he is doing - so I sent him an email and asked him if he was going with someone. He said yes. He has been off of my Facebook for several months. I was glad to have heard it from him directly, in fact somewhat relieved, as it gave me permission to stop worrying - the gossip had caused so much more pain. I am okay with him being with her - she is just the new NPD supply. I feel sorry for her because eventually, she will be hurt in a similar way. NPD people don't change. They just plug in a new model and replay the pattern. It is intoxicating and difficult to detach from their odd way of enchantment. And when Dr. Hyde shows himself, she will be afraid. This isn't her problem as she is just his next prey. I am angry that she will be hurt. I thought that I was pretty strong and that I could handle the relationship - I am angry that I have been left for dead. Thanks for your feed back - excellent point.

[savignon]

The truth is that you can take some more responsibility for your well-being by not accepting his calls/emails/texts or whatever "sucks you back in". While he is out to prey on you sometimes, you are able to make yourself UNavailable to that. I understand that it's complicated and that it hurts .....you feel sorry for the "new girl" but are playing into the same charm when he calls you up or stops by?? Why? Take yourself out of the picture. You don't need him to fix your house, you don't need him to pay you compliments...you need for yourself to regain some control over your life and work your esteem to where you have a zero tolerance policy for his antics.

(My appologies if I have some of the details confused as I'm trying to remember how much contact you have from this and past threads)

Best wishes xo

[SheBrokeMe]

Your making excuses as to why you allow him back into your life. Its clearly hes bad for you.. Cut him out. If you make excuses for him to come back then.. Your just asking for hurt.

 

 

As far as anger. Anger is generally caused by underlying issues you need to identify them and address them. Focus on the solution, not the problem(which now for you is anger)

[annbuckley]

you are right - excuses for letting him back in are being made.

 

When he left the card on the table I should have let it be and not replied.

 

The anger part is the problem - I don't know what to do with it.

 

The resentment is bubbling about the broken dreams. The fear of starting again alone.

And not being able to do it. I wanted a husband to share my life with. It was my second kick at the can. I am angry that I chose a dream instead of a man. That dream became my nightmare.

 

I am having difficulty forgiving myself for it. And forgiving myself for my son being subject to my choices - and then him chosing my ex because of materialism instead of substance. I feel that I brought him the worst instead of the best. I wanted a father for my son and instead I gave him a manipulative man who has taught my son that selfishness is acceptable. I can't take it back for a do over.

 

I am angry at starting again and feeling that I can't trust my judgment on relationships anymore. Twice married. Once an alcoholic that chose booze over family, and once a man who has a condition that prevents him from being real. I feel stupid and bitter. I am angry at making excuses for other people and feeling somehow responsible for their decisions. And guilt. I feel guilt.

 

I am a good and kind woman. This is not the ticket to the bus ride that I thought that I bought.

 

Ann

[catfeeder]

I am so hurt and so angry. My ex is with another already, but keeps me in the loop. [...]

 

The first and most empowering step I'd take to deal with the anger is a huge step straight out of 'the loop'.

[jennb0benn]

Ann,

 

I'm there with you. I have been definitely in the anger stage these past few weeks. I think about all of the times my ex broke up with me, got back with me, broke up with me, this times 5...treating me like a toy and I get so angry. I just try to let the moments pass and realize that no one is perfect. I need to forgive him not for him, but for myself. I let time do its thing and consciously always remember that steady forgiveness will set me free eventually.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I feel like screaming, punching and having a child like temper tantrum over and over again - but it doesn't help to dispel the hurt.

 

Then you need to scream, punch and have childish temper tantrums over and over again. I know this sounds crazy, but buy cheap glass stuff at the Goodwill and then smash it. Beat pillows with your fists and carpets with a broom. Do whatever you have to in order to release the anger.

 

I am reaching a point where I hate the ex. Absolutely hate him. He has been so destructive to me, and then prances off with his happy little life while mine is in complete ruins. I believe in karma and I believe he will suffer for this...but I am still angry.

 

It's a stage. We have to feel this way. It's a step towards defending ourselves, standing up for ourselves, taking our lives back. Frankly, I prefer the anger to the pain.

 

You're gonna be ok. I know all of your fears - I have them, too. Plus a few more (no job yet, money running low, etc). But it's just fear - it isn't reality. We have no way of knowing what the future will bring us. We've both done this before, and we know we will work through it.

 

((((( Ann ))))))

[annbuckley]

Ann,

 

I'm there with you. I have been definitely in the anger stage these past few weeks. I think about all of the times my ex broke up with me, got back with me, broke up with me, this times 5...treating me like a toy and I get so angry. I just try to let the moments pass and realize that no one is perfect. I need to forgive him not for him, but for myself. I let time do its thing and consciously always remember that steady forgiveness will set me free eventually.

 

You are right - I am sure if I will ever get to the forgiveness stage - even in myself. I wanted so much for my family. Now my son adores him, and thinks I am an idiot. I feel like such a failure. I don't mean to have such a pity party guys, but I am so lost and lonely. My only living relative is my son. And right now, I am the enemy to him. It will probably come around in time - but right now it is like being on fire in the middle of the field. Sounds a bit dramatic - but you get my point. I am tired of crying and tired of fighting a losing battle with myself. I am powerless. I am drowning. And I am angry about it.

[annbuckley]

I know you feel my pain sweetie. We are standing together. By the way, I have no job either, running out of savings because I planned to start all over again in a new city. I am a private teacher and my students are not returning in the fall because they know I am moving. So if my house doesn't sell - I am in huge trouble. I have planned to move to the island since the end of the school year. Now summer is nearly done, and I am still here. Yes, we are stuggling. I hear ya! (((((hugs right back sugar plum))))))!

[Hell_On_Heels]

Dang, honey, I didn't know that. I am so sorry about the job/house situation.

 

You know, I left my first husband because he hit me (once - that was enough). My oldest son saw it, but the younger two never knew about it. For years there were problems between us because they didn't see a reason why I left. They only saw Daddy crying for Mommy and playing that stupid horrid Titanic love song over and over. (And then they saw Daddy dying of cancer for the next two years. Those kids have really been through it.)

 

It was really hard to hang on, to not tell them, to let them figure it out on their own one day. And they did. They finally asked me if he was violent towards me and had he cheated on me. Yes on both counts.

 

Our family is a lot closer now...but it's taken years. I know this is small comfort, especially when you need your son's support today. Is he old enough to be able to separate you from the divorce? Meaning, can you ask him for his support even if he doesn't agree with your actions?

[annbuckley]

We bang heads. He saw the abuse. He slept with a dull knife under his pillow for years. But I went to work every night and they bonded - he learned to deal with my ex. He was always good at working things out and he learned to set boundaries and to brood when he needed too. Today, the price was his freedom. He is 18 - if he had stayed with me - his wings would be clipped because he doesn't drive, and he is to far away from the social side of his life. I am just a bag of emotions. Not cool for an 18 year old boy. It is easier to stay with the ex because he has no responsibility and he can have pretty much whatever he wants. He can just say A. could you get me a sack of beer? and A does. No worries. I won't. If I have it in the house and he asks for one I will say okay, but I never boot for teenagers. It sends the wrong message. I am not cool - I am a parent. xo

[Hell_On_Heels]

I don't understand people who don't parent kids. We are not their friends! Not yet anyway - not until they're grown, and at 18, he's not grown yet. Believe it or not, in a few years your son will thank you for parenting him.

 

The ex let his 17 year old son do whatever he wanted, too. The boy came and went as he pleased even when he was 15 years old. I never had any idea where the boy was. I was very uncomfortable with that...but I was only the step-parent and not part of their family, so I was supposed to shut up...which I never did. Couldn't help but tell the ex my feelings on it. He hated me for that.

 

The 17 year old got his girlfriend (16) pregnant. The baby is due in December. The ex wondered if I would laugh my head off at this karma. No. It's a tragedy - especially for the baby! I don't know if his son will ever get to college. He has to pay child support even though he's a minor (once the baby is born).

 

You've got to stick to what you know is right even though it seems like you're losing now. You aren't. You're in this for the long haul, and your son will realize that in time. I know it's very little to hold onto, but I've been there...

[annbuckley]

Thanks honey, yes it is very upsetting. But it is true - kids have enough friends. Thanks love - I will catch up with you more later.