Trying Again With The Wife

[Skeptic76]

DUDE, this stuff ain't easy.

 

My wife finally copped to what amounts to an emotional affair and told me "she would do anything" to make our relationship work again about three and a half months into our divorce. I filed for dismissal of the divorce from court; the worst that can happen is that this won't work and we'll have to open a new case.

 

While my mind, gut and intuition all say that there was more than just an emotional affair, I still decided to give it another go with her. If she did sleep with this guy, all it would take would be an admission and apology so I could at least have the chance to forgive her - but the initial lies she told me about this guy coupled with my own sense of "not quite rightness" about the whole story are making it VERY difficult to move forward. I wonder if there is anybody on this board that has weathered the storm through the "cheated on feelings" and can share their experience.....

 

We are planning on seeing a counselor (again) on Wednesday, and then the process of airing all of these feelings out can begin - but for now it is so weird: the euphoric "renewal" feelings mixed with the suspicion and resentment make it hard for me to feel comfortable being with her. I really want to talk about everything but to do so would be to dive right into some of the less healthy communication patterns that we both exhibit so I'm having to bite my tongue and wait.

 

I don't know that I need a reply so much as a vent.....I have been awol from ENA for a week or so and I was jonesing for a chance to put some thoughts into writing. If you read this whole thing and feel let down I apologize, lol. But if you read it and thought "Hmmmm, here is some good advice," or even better: "Here is *my* experience with a similar situation" I would appreciate your input.

[DN]

Unless she is totally honest about the cheating this won't work and I hope the counselor is astute enough to know that. Make sure the evidence is clearly presented to him or her.

[Staple]

Unless you know exactly what happened, it will eat at you forever. I don't think this is going to work.

[Sparkly Eyes]

It might work, depending on how much you both want it and love each other and are willing to be truthful!

[Skeptic76]

So far the only counselor I saw gave me "Well, you will never KNOW exactly what happened, only what she chooses to tell you. Then she added, "but it does sound like they met up..." lol.

 

All I can do is go be honest and open in counseling (last time my wife refused to go anymore after one session because I told her "If you're not going to come clean about cheating on me then this counseling stuff is a waste of time!"). This time I am hoping to just be calm and factual and let the counselor work his magic - yes I got a dude this time. If after a good amount of counseling sessions I have not reached some sort of confidence level with her, then I am resigned that the marriage is over and I will have to go.

 

Just thinking that there's nothing to lose by giving it another try - only the possibility of gaining a new bond and relationship.

[Skeptic76]

DN, you've seen this whole thing from the start - do you acknowledge even a slight possibility that she did not have sex with the other guy? You've been adamant that they got it on the whole way through.....

[Radeon]

I hate to say this, but this sounds exactly like what happened with me. Luckily we weren't married, just due to wed.

 

She came right back a month later and gave me the whole "i'll do anything" line. The good thing is that the ball's in your court now -- you're free to make the decision. That feeling of euphoria will cloud your judgment, so allow it to stay for a few days, but keep your eyes opened when it starts to fade.

 

We've been trying reconciliation for about 3 weeks now, and I think i said it best to her earlier, "I held you on a pedestal for three years, but when you dumped me, your pedestal crumbled." Now she's just another human being, just like us, capable of doing wrong and causing hurt.

 

But I will say this -- I personally don't think my reconciliation will work because after she broke my heart, her closet doors have opened and now every one of her skeletons is falling out. You'll follow your heart regardless of what anyone says, but now that you've had your heart broken by her, you'll see her for who she truly is. My best advice to you is to just keep your eyes open, and look out for yourself first!

[WockaWocka]

DUDE, this stuff ain't easy.

 

My wife finally copped to what amounts to an emotional affair and told me "she would do anything" to make our relationship work again about three and a half months into our divorce. I filed for dismissal of the divorce from court; the worst that can happen is that this won't work and we'll have to open a new case.

 

 

Cynical question for you: how was the divorce going when she approached you? i.e. Any possibility she talked to a lawyer and realized what a lousy settlement she was going to get?

 

Also, depending on the state, if she confesses to an affair there may be implications for the settlement, which may add to her reluctance to say what actually went on.

 

I admire you for giving it a try. I know you want to find out what happened, but if you start to feel like you're spinning your wheels, one helpful approach in counseling may be "the coverup is worse than the crime," ie to focus on her differing versions of the truth and how difficult of a time you will have trusting her.

 

Good luck - let us know what happens!

Fozzie

[DN]

DN, you've seen this whole thing from the start - do you acknowledge even a slight possibility that she did not have sex with the other guy? You've been adamant that they got it on the whole way through.....

Of course, I don't know if they had sex. But what else was she doing?

 

She denied up, down and sideways that there was any sort of affair. Now she admits to an emotional affair. So she was lying and realised the lie wasn't getting her anywhere. Now she denies there was actual sex because she knows that no one else was in the room and it can't be conclusively proven. Are you prepared to live with her knowing she's a liar, knowing all the evidence points to both an emotional and physical fling and having to pretend you trust that she is now telling the truth?

[iBroken]

Trickle Truths kill any chance of reconiliation

 

You and your wife should both read the forums over at link removed

 

There is alot of useful information on how to work through an affair. They have the betrayed spouses forum and then the cheaters forum. Its an interesting read to say the least. But be sure to read the articles in the healing forum. They helped me a ton

[odile]

Listen to DN.

If they didn't sleep together, the fact remains that she lied to you until it was apparent that she was busted.

And now, if you find more to the story (so, if she does reveal that she slept with the other person),

then you may think that you can forgive her physical involvements, and move on...

but will you be able to forgive the fact that she will have been lying to you even more than you know she has already?

And even if you can forgive this... are you sure that you really should?

[jenna-is-here]

This is a really tough situation. I went through something similiar. Your gut tells you something is going on, you push & push until you get some tiny answer that maybe will satisfy you, the you realize they were lying and you figure they must be lying about the rest since their credibility is now shot.

 

I had a real hard time trusting my 4+yr live-in bf. I suspected somthing, & after I pushed & pushed and finally got him to admit to an EA. After he admited that, I could not shake that more had happened. If he was willing to lie to me about the 1st, then why not the 2nd?

 

You are lucky your ex eventually told you, I had to dig and dig because my gut and intuition would just not die down. I found phone records (hundreds of calls & texts over months). He STILL didnt admit it until I showed him those records black and white. Too bad I could not see what the txts said. And the whole while, he made me think *I* was crazy & paranoid.

 

I dont know what to tell you. I think it comes down to a persons character. If she is a good girl that caught up in something stupid, then you may be able to move past this. If you see her doing shady crap often (financial, emotional, etc) then I would think long and hard about staying.

 

I told my ex over and over at the time it is much better to come clean and be honest so we have a base to build on then a house of cards (lies) that would eventually come tumbling down.

 

I have been 4 mos NC and have had some distance. If I had to put Vegas money on it, I would say, he did cheat physically. Sorry, I am not really helping.