How to turn down a hostile colleague?

[1MoreChance]

I didn't know where to post this..... ideally it would have been in a forum entitled "Work relationships".....

 

So here goes:

 

There is this guy I work with (summer job, just met him 1 week ago). One day after work he asked whereabouts I lived, and suggested giving me a lift home, saying it was on his way. He seemed friendly enough, though the serious type (not a lot of smiling).

 

We ended up having an agreement to carpool. At first I liked talking with him in the car and just thought it was a nice arrangement. I could take public transportation with NO issues, I always usually do. But I though hey, this is nice, we can share ideas about work (we work in the same field).

 

But as the week went by, first off I started to feel like he was flirting with me. It was not reciprocated but I acted friendly and appropriately. I was relieved one afternoon when we were talking about relationships in the car and he mentionned he did not want a gf at this point in his life.

 

Then, he became increasly negative and even patronizing to me. There is always an underlying hostility. He will talk to me in a slightly hostile, patronizing, annoyed way, as if he had known me for a long time and I was his gf. I have found myself feeling like I am walking on eggshells and trying hard to stay cool and keep a smile on my face and stay detached. But inside I feel nervous and just feel like getting away from him.

 

I am torn between continuing the carpooling, to not rock the boat and raise suspicions, or to come up with an excuse so I no longer need a lift from him.

 

I am not comfortable with his negativity and patronizing. For example he keeps insisting I read this book he gave me (an old torn up copy of a paperback he had 2 copies of), it's on the topic of nutrition and he keeps saying "have you read YOUR book yet?", just because I mention I am tired or something. He takes this patronizing tone, as if I am a little kid and now that he gave me a book, I HAVE to read it. I keep telling him I have no time but will read it at the end of my contract (ends in 2 months).

 

HOW do you get out of a situation like this, what kinds of excuses can I come up with to get out of getting a ride with him? THANKS for your help!

[lavenderdove]

No, immediately stop the carpooling. If he's annoying you or creeping you out, don't get any more involved with him.

 

Tell him anything plausible, from you've decided to take a class after work (or the gym or whatever) and won't be going home right after work so carpooling won't work anymore. Be pleasant, and don't let him bully you or pry into your excuse... If he presses you, tell him you and 'a friend' are going to start carpooling because you're sharing some hobby together after work.

 

You could do it in an email if you really think he'll be unpleasant about you no longer taking the ride. Come to work early some day and drop the book off on his desk to return it when he's not around.

 

If he's crushing on you he won't be happy about this, but it is better to cut this off than let it get worse or continue.

[savignon]

I agree to cut this off immediately. Let him know you won't be needing a lift anymore and when he asks why say "something else has come up for the afternoons". Be vague and then walk away. Try not to smile or "let him down easy"...be firm and confident.

You're wise to be listening to your gut on this guy.

[1MoreChance]

ya, experience has shown me to listen to that little voice....

 

I forgot to mention, it is mornings AND after work that I carpool with him.

 

HOW to get out of mornings??? (Is actually my bigger issue cause it is harder to find an excuse for morning!)

 

sorry I forget to mention that!

[avman]

Just be direct and say you've made other arrangements for transportation and you no longer need to carpool. I'd leave it at that. This guy sounds like he really bothers you so I don't see that you owe him any more explanation than this.

[savignon]

Is there a way for you to let him know today (Sunday) that you're all set beginning tomorrow? Like email or a text?

[lavenderdove]

You can also just tell him you've made other arrangements to get to and from work, but if he questions you as to why, you just have to be more direct and say you find it too constricting to have to schedule meeting up with someone else to commute and to rely on that schedule, and that you just want to do your own thing when it comes to getting to and from work, whether that is leave earlier or later than planned or stop for errands along the way.

 

That is more than sufficient explanation (and actually true without telling him directly that HE is the one who is cramping your style and making the commute inconvenient).

 

I am a big fan of the 'personal freedom' excuse, since honestly, you have a perfect right to decide when and if you'll share your time/car/life/commute with anyone, and he is wrong to challenge/question you if you decide you don't feel like commuting with him anymore, for whatever reason. So go straight for a variation of 'personal freedom' and he really can't argue with you, though he may try, just firmly tell him no, you want to do your commute on our own and walk away from him if he tries to pressure you otherwise.

[1MoreChance]

Thanks Lavender, that's actually just what I needed!

 

I felt like I had to have the perfect most consistent excuse, but you're right, I'll just say that!

 

And thanks to you guys for reminding me that I need not be appologetic/overly friendly about it.

 

He intimidates me and I shouldn't have to put up with that!

[lavenderdove]

You're welcome. Sometimes arrogant/obnoxious people recognize that you are a people pleaser and use that as an excuse to pressure you into behaving the way they want.

 

I used to be that way, a people pleaser, until i realized that my life is truly my own and anyone who tries to bully me or manipulate me is not someone i want in my world (nor do i have to tolerate them because they want to be in mine).

 

There is nothing rude about standing up for your own desires and needs as long as you are pleasant about it, and firm if you need to be if the person is the obnoxious type who doesn't take no for an answer. And if you've told them no very politely and they don't accept that, that's when i just smile and walk away since they are crossing boundaries they shouldn't cross.

[annie24]

you can tell him that you are going to start biking to and from work for health reasons.

 

i like taking the bus to and from work because it gives me time to play ipod games that i normally don't play otherwise. you can also tell him that taking the bus works out better for you.