Why

[bungalo]

would a woman stay with a man for over 5 years if she didn't love him? Why would she dump him and keep coming back? I know we had an amazing connection, but when she runs it's like I am this alien being

that she never gave a crap about-despite overwhelming evidence to

the contrary. I know she has emotional problems. I have emotional

problems. I know sometimes you can't make sense of these things, but was just looking for some feedback.

 

 

Before those of you that know my story (3 breakups in 5 years) polish up your cyber clubs and say move on etc, I'm already doing this as best I can.

[baxxter]

People change because people grow. I know you don't want to accept this now, but this is the story I read that comforts me in a way.

 

There was a maiden who was like a little flower, petit and frail. Long flowing brunette hair and never went out without lipstick on. Met a guy who fallen in love with her and they got married.

 

5 yrs on the maiden took up a hobby, she now plays tennis, and she trains every day, and she is almost as good as pro. She wins medals after medals. She is all muscles, cropped hair that's gone blond-ish under sun, she is all tanned, and she hardly ever wears make-up.

 

After one match, which she won yet again, she turns to her husband, and asks if he loved her.

 

"Yes, dear, I love you as always, I have never stopped loving you for a moment."

 

The maiden then says,

"In that case you are a cheater. I have changed so much over last 5 yrs, and you just kept loving different woman each day. If that is not a change of heart I don't know what that is."

[Leveller]

I like this...a lot.

 

Bung. I feel for you, I really do. Personally I don't believe her. I think she's covering up her feelings and is self BSing in order to justify and rationalise her decision.

[bungalo]

Thanks Leveller and Bax...Yeah, I think she's lying to herself too. Didn't really like the proverb. Seems like true or higher love accepts the changes their partner goes through, but still loves the core of who they are. This is something people can't change.

[iBroken]

Bung - she was with you for 5 years because she loved you....but as others said, people change. Both you and her changed....and one of you decided that it wasnt the same and it was time to move on.

 

Some want to move on and grow old together, others cherish the old memories and try to hold on to that person they met so long ago.

[lostnscared]

She did love you and she probably still does. But for some reason or another, she may have gotten scared of how close you two were getting or she began to change.

 

I know what you're going through. My ex was a serial dumper too. He didn't break up with me though, this time, he wanted a break--out of anger for something I did. Then 1.5 week later he tried to contact me to reconcile.

 

I didn't let him... It has now been 2 weeks since then. And I'm pretty sad. A part of me wants to reconcile right NOW, but another part of me knows that *if* I do ever want to make it work with him, I'm going to have to give him a ton of space and heal. Preferably at least 2 months. The longest we've ever taken a break or broken up has been 3-4 weeks. So making it for 8-10 weeks is a great accomplishment. And will definitely serve as time in letting him know that I will no longer tolerate it--it will also give me time to to heal and continue moving forward with or without him.

 

I know you aren't giving her another chance(which may be for the best) but just know that a year from now you're going to look at the many threads you made for her and wonder what you ever saw in her....

[doiiiieeezie]

She loved you, and probably still does. You're in pain and can't see the reality of what was your relationship because the last thing you have is negativity towards it. To be honest, she probably can't see the leaves on the trees either. We all change, no one stays in the same place and just perhaps you didn't have the glue to hold it together forever. When one checks out, there is nothing you can do but wait, and understand that they may not return.

 

Just to give you some insight, a friend of mine is going through a reconciliation. She loves him, he loves her (she was the dumper) but she continually runs away from him. He had it the last time.... and now they are taking a lot of time to work out the issues that plagued them... but it takes BOTH parties to come to the table. And if our exes are not willing... then nothing can be done.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

[jimmajam]

C'mon bungalo. Right after she left again you seemed to be doing so well. You saw what was really going on and that she just keep leaving and doesn't deserve or maybe even want what you have to offer right now. For whatever reasons he doesn't want to have a serious relationship with you...maybe anyone else either. Throw love and feelings out of the equation for a seconds and look at the facts.

 

You've done more than your share to make things work. It's time to accept it and step back. Maybe if she does the work to get back with you it will be when she is truly ready and means it.

[lostnscared]

Exactly. This is what me and my ex are doing as well.

 

It helped that we both are very *insightful* individuals and realized that the relationship was not at all healthy and that it was because we both had issues that we needed to work out in order to be together in a healthy relationship.

 

It takes both people acknowledging that, and working on their issues, agreeing to work on their issues, and THEN coming back together with willingess, effort, and love, and a healthier mindset--to make a reconciliation happen.

 

That is what me and ex are in the process of doing.

 

Bung,

 

Not saying this is possible in your situation, because she clearly doesn't see anything wrong with her actions.

 

But at least you have acknowledged your own actions, your own issues. And this is the perfect time to work out those kinks, become healthier, and then get into a relationship with a person who is healthy as well.

 

Good luck

[browneyedgirl36]

Bungalo -- I think she really did love you, and maybe still does. I'm not sure that her feelings "changed" or that she changed all that much -- considering that she's broken up with you three times in five years, it seems that she hasn't really changed all that much at all!

 

It sounds, from what you've posted, that your ex has some emotional issues that prevent her from being in a healthy relationship. And, you have acknowledged some issues that you have too (though probably not nearly as severe as hers, from the sound of it), and you both -- particularly her -- are mistaking profound highs and lows, repeated break-ups and returns, etc. as evidence of a deep connection and passion when it really is just unhealthy drama.

 

You asked in one of your threads the other day, "What is a healthy relationship?" and I think that's a great question. One answer I would give is that a healthy relationship is made up of two reasonably healthy people (most of us have at least some minor issues) who understand that love is a verb, not a noun -- it's about loving actions on both peoples' parts that contribute to a fulfilling partnership. Real love is NOT lopsided. It's not ambivalent or iffy. It doesn't walk on eggshells and wait for the other shoe to drop. It doesn't cause extreme anxiety or insecurity. Sure, it has its ups and downs -- it's a part of life -- but it shouldn't be as profoundly painful as it has been for you in your relationship with your ex. If it is, it's simply toxic, and like any other toxin, it's very unhealthy.

 

Your ex, it seems, is a twin to my ex's previous ex. He is caught up in the same break-up/reconcile cycle with her, and while they've been broken up for quite some time now (she left him for the third time, also), he is STILL hung up on her, convinced that he is madly in love with her. From an outsider's perspective, even as biased as I am because I love him dearly and want the best for him, I can see that his relationship with her has really damaged him -- he has caused harm to himself, both emotionally and physically over the course of this relationship with her -- and he has become so closed off as a result. I hope this doesn't happen to you.

 

Long story short: I don't think it's a case of her not loving you, per se, so much as it is a case of her not knowing what real love is and does, and as a result not knowing how to give it or receive it, hence all the drama, the turmoil, the repeated break-ups, hence her being a "runner" -- someone who runs away when things get serious.

 

For your part, you have put up with all of her drama for years, and while you can't fix her, it's important for you to extricate yourself from her drama and work on changing whatever it is about you that compelled you to stick around for all these break-ups, all this instability and uncertainty. Yes, you loved her, but it's more than that. There is something other than love that kept you in that unhealthy pattern with her, and now is a good time for you to try to figure out what that is so that your future relationships can be with healthier.

 

Hang in there...you're starting to move forward, little by little.

[bungalo]

Thanks everyone. I don't think I've ever read such thoughtful, insightful, helpful replies to any of my other posts over the years. And that's saying a lot. I will get through this pain and rise again. The rel/ship was not that good-ever. It's the attachment to a person I bonded with that is the hardest thing to break...but I must, and I shall. Bless you ENA community.

[Ms Darcy]

Read Uncoupling, read Uncoupling, read Uncoupling.

[insecurefool]

OP, I've been (and am) in your shoes. I know despite all the great advice that has been given, that things aren't always so simple. In my case, I've started to realized after multiple break-ups/reconciliations, that it truly is hard to bury the past. You'll split up, realize it was a mistake, and reconcile, without ever fixing what was wrong. That's probably what has happened with you two.

 

Another tangential (but sort of related point) is that some people just aren't raised in a way to tackle adversity. I know most reasonable people think that relationships can just sort of "work", but, especially 5 years in, difficulties will arise. If one person doesn't know how to confront/work on problems head on (like my ex), the relationship is doomed.

 

If a person isn't raised to confront adversity, they will run from it. Case in point, my ex was kicked out of her house by her parents (they didn't want to deal with her as a teen)... and so how does she end up? Well, she nearly dropped out of school multiple times, changed majors multiple times, ended our relationship a couple times (or pushed me to do it), has been a serial dater, is constantly changing jobs...

 

For her, when the going gets tough, she gets... going. Love/responsibility be damned! Not sure if you've found that with your ex but just thought I'd throw that around in your head.

[BriarRose]

would a woman stay with a man for over 5 years if she didn't love him? Why would she dump him and keep coming back? I know we had an amazing connection, but when she runs it's like I am this alien being

that she never gave a crap about-despite overwhelming evidence to

the contrary. I know she has emotional problems. I have emotional

problems. I know sometimes you can't make sense of these things, but was just looking for some feedback.

 

 

Before those of you that know my story (3 breakups in 5 years) polish up your cyber clubs and say move on etc, I'm already doing this as best I can.

 

I do not believe she would stay with you for 5 years if she did not love you. I also don't believe she would keep coming back if there was nothing there. She's not let go of you yet (in her heart).

[atelis]

The rel/ship was not that good-ever. It's the attachment to a person I bonded with that is the hardest thing to break...but I must, and I shall. Bless you ENA community.

 

this is what you need to read over and over again. The attachment you are talking about is dependence and fear and not necessarily love. People need to start realising that many of our relationship choices and behaviours are driven by fear and insecurity. There may be love there too, but when you consciously say in your own words that the relationship was 'never that good' you need to take a long hard look at whether you are confusing love with need and fear

[bungalo]

I read uncoupling, And it had nothing to offer with regard to partners who are EU (emotionally unavailable) or emotionally unstable. These breakups came out of the blue and often on the heels of a really sweet intimate time.

[odile]

This story to me is sort of crummy and misleading.

It's true that sometimes people grow and change in ways that distance them from one another, but

if one person grows and changes, so too, can the other...

and sometimes two people can grow and change together, in ways that continue to compliment and be compatible with one another.

[odile]

bungalo, I haven't read the full back-story of your relationship, but based on what you and others have said about it in this thread,

it doesn't sound like this is a relationship that you should invest any more time in.

 

Did she love you? Maybe in a way, but not in a way that a healthy person loves.

No doubt you are lovable, and have good qualities, and are in some ways attractive to her.

But, you have broken up three times.

She is not showing the commitment to make it work.

Either she simply does not love you in the way that you deserve to be loved, and yet because she does like you/what you have to offer has been trying to cultivate the feelings that are lacking,

OR

she is not capable of loving you the way that you deserve to be loved due to her emotional problems.

 

Any way you slice it, though, the answer remains that if after giving it your best shot not once, twice, but three times,

and the relationship still falls apart, because the kind of love that you deserve still isn't there...well... that's all you need to know.

[bungalo]

Thanks O...you're right..Thing is she is extremely EU..(emotionally unavailable)..these people will be kind and loving and nurturing...but then switch off and become cold and robotic...it is an addictive cycle for their partners, who keep trying to get them back to the kind/nuturing realm..and ultimately, they never commit...so it's hopeless..but I am still

hooked, even though I told her I would never get back together with her....

[TurtleDove12]

Thanks O...you're right..Thing is she is extremely EU..(emotionally unavailable)..these people will be kind and loving and nurturing...but then switch off and become cold and robotic...it is an addictive cycle for their partners, who keep trying to get them back to the kind/nuturing realm..and ultimately, they never commit...so it's hopeless..but I am still

hooked, even though I told her I would never get back together with her....

 

Oneitis. That will change.