mylovemyway Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 My boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago. I begged and pleaded and he said he couldn't be with me anymore. He completely broke my heart. When I finally decided to move on, he came back. I took him back. So now we're back together but I feel like I don't trust him anymore. He's dumped me before. He told me he didn't want to be with me and even ignored me for a week. Why should I believe that he won't decide I'm not worth the effort and dump me again? I fully trusted him before, because I felt like he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then he left me. He did come back pretty quickly after he dumped me. Is that a sign that he was never able to let me go, even though he dumped me? Therefore, I should trust that he does want me? It just seems like he's so unsure about me. I don't want to be with someone who is unsure about me. How do you trust someone who has dumped you before? Link to comment
completebroken Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 I am the victim of a recent breakup who is struggling with these questions in case she comes back (trying to get to the point I think she isn't It is slow coming though) who understands completely and I have had it before. And I have taken back exes before. I think there are two options. Take more time apart so you both feel sure and not just a longing for the past or sitting down and really talking about why he left. The second is fraught with danger though because finding out why he left reminds him of it, and is probably hurtful to you as well, but if it is out there you know what it was and can work on it without wondering why it happened. A third option is you decide to take a leap of faith, but since you are wondering now it will be hard to suddenly start trusting. If you are constantly worried though it will fail, take it from a guy who had that happen. Link to comment
wildestkabs Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 Was he in a relationship while you were separated, or was he single? Also, what caused the break up? Link to comment
bearskittie Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 hey dont wanna sound cruel but no you cant always trust someone who has dumped you before take things slow other wise you might end up back where you started which is here asking the same questions. Link to comment
DN Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 OK - but you begged and pleaded and he trusted you enough to come back despite the reasons that led him to leave. What were those reasons and are they still a problem? Link to comment
bungalo Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 I have been through it 3 times with the same girl. I think once the balance of power is so lopsided..and he's saying he's STILL unsure...you had better be the one to break it off with him if it lools like a non-starter again. If they've done it before, they can-and often will-do it again..It sucks to high heaven, but we both deserve someone who's in it for keeps. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 OK - but you begged and pleaded and he trusted you enough to come back despite the reasons that led him to leave. What were those reasons and are they still a problem? It's interesting you worded if that way as her Ex is very distrustful of her and accused her of cheating on several occasions... OP, I don't think I could ever fully trust your Ex as he is extremely insecure and emotionally unstable. I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if he breaks up with you again in the future if he sees or hears something that is not to his liking....just like he did when you guys first reconciled about a month ago. He'd have to prove that he trusts you fully. He's way too paranoid to be in a relationship. Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 Mylove - what changes has he made? I remember that he had a pretty clear cut problem of accusing you of cheating on him for the smallest things. I don't think that this problem was specific to you so if he hasn't changed anything in regards to his mental health, why would you ever expect that things would be different this time? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Depends on the reason. I took my ex back on three separate occasions for cheating and no, I never fully trusted him afterward. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Don't allow the joy and thrill of having him come back, over rule the fact he he dumped you, because he didn't want to be with you. Link to comment
wildestkabs Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Tough to answer this question. As a dumpee, if there is one hurdle that would be the toughest to overcome, it would this - getting to trust the dumper again. Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Well, just as a side note and my personal experience is not the same as that of anyone else: but my my then girlfriend left me and came back some months later and we have now been married 35 years. So it can have a happy ending. Link to comment
ElleB Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Awwww 35 years Lubberly! Made me smile amongst all this heartache. Link to comment
zinny Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 There's no magic answer to this.... either you take a leap of faith and work on a relationship together or you don't... Almost look at it as dating someone new... when you start, you build and you decide along the way if this person is the person you want and you can ultimately trust. It doesn't happen over night in a new relationship and it's even that much harder in a reconciliation. Being in a relationship is always putting yourself at risk... risk of heartache, risk of rejection, risk of a failed love.... instead of asking yourself when you might trust him again, maybe ask yourself - how much are you willing to risk to have this relationship? I think all relationships start with a 50/50 chance... it's up to you to figure out if you want this enough to learn to trust all over again. Link to comment
mylovemyway Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 Mylove - what changes has he made? I remember that he had a pretty clear cut problem of accusing you of cheating on him for the smallest things. I don't think that this problem was specific to you so if he hasn't changed anything in regards to his mental health, why would you ever expect that things would be different this time? One big change that's being made is that we are no longer spending 24/7 together. I've actually moved to a city that's 3.5 hours away. I've been back to visit, and he's supposed to move here in a couple of months. Maybe things will be better between us in a new environment. There a lot of people in the previous town who my boyfriend viewed as scummy guys and worried that I'd cheat with. They were people who I was acquaintances with before I started dating my BF. Anyway, I'm trying not to get my hopes up... and also to not be the one to put in all the effort. The other thing is when he asked to try things again after the incident with the ponytail during reconciliation, he admitted that he's an idiot and he's paranoid. He says he should get therapy... although he doesn't really know how to start the process. He's most likely not gonna go. I don't really have high hopes that things will work out. I'd like for them to, but realistically there's been some pretty huge problems that may be difficult to resolve, and my bf doesn't seem determined to get better. I'm just giving it a shot because I really like this guy. I'm trying not to get too attached or expect too much so I won't get hurt as much if things fail again. I have a feeling he's doing the same. He's trying not to let things get so serious, because as he'd said before - the more serious things are between us, the worse his anxiety because the more is at stake. Ya, I know, this sounds dysfunctional Link to comment
TSandullo Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Well, just as a side note and my personal experience is not the same as that of anyone else: but my my then girlfriend left me and came back some months later and we have now been married 35 years. So it can have a happy ending. That's awesome DN. I hope that in future i am able to post concise short replies on forums as opposed to the lengthy one I go about posting. I guess it might take me another 36 years to perfect that hope you are well. Back to the OP question, yes, in my case I have lost trust in my ex with regards to BUpping with me again should we ever GBT. Though the breakup was mutual in some respect, she was the one who initiated it in not so many words. Either way, the choice is yours should your ex desire to GBT with you. There will always be the fear and distrust that they may bail out again, however if you can work through it and they have demonstrated some genuine effort and desire to stick by for the long haul then great. In my situation, it is the second BU. And I have no trust anymore. If she does wish to GBT, it will only be after lengthy discussion and evidence of wanting things to work out. Anything less and I want no part of it. I can honestly and happily say that I have reached the stage as a dumpee where I can state that "If she don't come back, no biggy. If she does want in again, then let me see evidence. If none, go away." I also hope that many fresh dumpees reach this level too, and beyond. TS Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 I understand the urge to try to work things out. Sometimes dynamics will improve in a second try and sometimes another shot that doesn't work out will give a better sense of closure since you know that you gave it all you had. With that said, I'm very glad that you're going into this with your eyes wide open. When he accused you of cheating, your concern seemed to be about reassuring him but those accusations had a huge impact on you too. I can't see how his behavior would not be considered emotionally abusive toward you so I don't think this is your every day reconciliation. I think you have every right to hold back until you feel certain that he's changed and is not out to control you again. I think you're doing the right thing by going slow and trying to watch what happens. I don't think that he should get a pass on how he behaved and that this relationship should begin as if everything will naturally work out. It's a nice first step that he understands that he was wrong, but I think you should consider telling him that you need to see him taking some action to make sure it doesn't happen again. Have you considered talking about some deal breakers and uncrossable boundaries with him? An example would be that he needs to find a therapist and have regular appointments for you to consider staying and working on things with him. Also, you can say that if he accuses you of cheating, even once, that you'll be out the door... and then mean it. Take care of yourself and remember that you cannot ever alter your behavior enough to satisfy someone who refuses to believe in you. If you find yourself walking on eggshells and limiting your activities again, you have to recognize what is happening and walk away. You deserve much better than that. Good luck. I'm hoping that things work out for you. Link to comment
Nerdyjock Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Sorry this won't be what you want to hear: but in my personal opinion from this snapshot you've given, it isn't going to work out. Trust me, in many-a-scenario I have supported reconciliation. However, you two got together based off of your desire of him, and the trust issue isn't resolved. Trust is something that is very delicate, and I think maybe you guys probably would have been better off trying to regain a friendship first. When you took him back, did you guys have a talk about how bad what he did was - that abandoning a relationship without worrying about your feelings is wrong? Since you asked how to regain trust, though, I will say what I can. He's just going to have to go above and beyond what he did last time to show he won't abandon you. Make sure he shows you that next time he has an issue, he will bring it to you to be worked on rather than dipping off without any regard for your feelings. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Now that you layed out the details, I remember your story. Girl, you took him back? That ponytail thing was crazy. I would have to say that I agree with this. He needs professional help and is irrationally untrusting, in my humble opinion. Link to comment
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