Letter To STBXW After Revelation

[Skeptic76]

Against all indications, it turns out that my STBXW did not physically cheat on me. She certainly did engage in an emotional affair....

 

In any case, this became clear to me after gaining access to three months worth of daily online conversations with her friends.

 

Here is the letter I am giving her after seeing how I had been behaving from her point of view. I hope you will note that I am talking only about my own mistakes as this letter is intended to help me clear up the mess *I* have made and help *me* to heal by being accountable - I certainly do have some serious beef with some of her actions throughout this too - but I've come to feel that dredging that stuff up is pointless. I also want you to see that I am not asking anything from her and that I do not expect to receive a response. Along with this letter I am enclosing a small support check (what I can afford at the moment) until I can make a more reasonable payment.

 

I tried to attach the letter but I've never done an attachment or know if I'm even allowed so let's see if this worked...

[Skeptic76]

Geez....break out the bifocals for this one, folks.

 

Fire away! What do you think will come of this? Am I an idiot for being a NC renegade? Lol - inquiring mind wants to know!

[baxxter]

Sorry, can't read.

But I think it's good to contact your ex to move on.

[MikNomis]

Is this something you feel you need, for closure perhaps? Or is it the feeling of wanting to make things right and not be enemies?

 

In any case, I support your heartfelt letter as long as your intention is not to try to win her back with it.

[Skeptic76]

The letter is for me as much as for her....I just want to set right the wrongs I have done to the best of my ability.

 

I am not going to attempt a reconciliation.

[Skeptic76]

Sorry, can't read.

 

You prolly did this and it didn't help enough, but if you click on the thumbs they get a little bigger....

[kirk]

Sorry, can't read.

 

Hold CTRL, then zoom in with mouse wheel.

 

In any case, I support your heartfelt letter as long as your intention is not to try to win her back with it.

 

Likewise.

[stalked]

Dude, Ive been reading your previous posts and I don't think you did anything wrong. Just because she hasn't admitted it, to you, or to her friends, doesn't mean it's not true.

 

All the other stuff was grounds to get you to where you are now by itself. Even without trailing up all the evidence all over again, I would say to you that sometimes you just have to trust your own instincts.

 

My ex still denies that she was sleeping with the other guy, even though I caught them dry humping on the sofa FFS. I've had it confirmed by 3 other people, who heard it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. I made the same gesture to her a while ago. Told her that I was sorry for the terrible things I said to her and that I would like her to part of my life in some way one day, but ONLY if she was able to own her part of what went wrong. I can't make her do that if she can't or won't. I'm not sure your ex's attitude toward this, but it reads to me like you are accepting more blame than you are due. I'd hold off for at least 2 weeks. Re read it then and see how you feel.

[Skeptic76]

I delivered it this morning. Everything I put in there was true. I had to cleanse my soul - sounds dramatic but I have to move on and being accountable is part of that. I don't care about her side of the street, if she ever comes clean or not.

 

I find myself finally willing to do NC. Other than necessary arrangements for our children I will not be contacting.

[baxxter]

Hope the outcome will just help you, but not to hurt you.

Wishing you the best...

[Skeptic76]

So the day I gave this to my wife I left for a little vacation to San Antonio, TX. I am surrounded by friends - I found out that I'm a good dancer, all this good stuff is happening (meeting new friends, hanging out with a pretty girl until 4 in the morning,) but below all of this "fun" I am fundamentally depressed. Initially I got a high from the acceptance that this marriage was truly over, but that high wore off quickly and now I'm facing the reality. I haven't broken NC, only txt asking if the kids would like to call.

 

I'm hurting so bad - I miss my ex and I have no desire to do life without her right now. I'm moving on out of a sense of obligation and duty to my children and immediate family and faith that what I hear from them and on these boards is true: the pain doesn't last forever and I will eventually resume a "normal," enjoyable life.

 

I need your help on this Independence day, ENA. I don't feel free - I really want to just let go, accept the situation and move on but I DON'T KNOW HOW??!!! Please, any words of encouragement would be helpful to boost my spirits now, thanks.

[baxxter]

It's tiny, but let me say this;

At least you are out and about. I can't even feel like doing that.

 

You are making progress. Keep making it happen.

 

Good luck x

[MalibuOne]

Skeptic, you know there's no magic pill for moving on. There is only endurance. Hang in there and things will get better. But you have to give it time and lots of effort. Sounds like you've got the effort down, now be willing to let some time elapse. That light at the end of the tunnel really does exist, trust me.

[Skeptic76]

Thanks you guys...I'm feeling better already. A lot of my pain is coming from wishing my wife and kids were here to share this with. That doesn't have to take away the fun I'm having on my own though. It's as though I can feel guilty for enjoying myself without them!

 

By the way - to the person who said "just because she didn't admit it to me or her friends doesn't mean it isn't true" I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. That helps to know, too.

 

@ Baxter that's not tiny - it's a loving thing to say and love is infinite.

 

@Malibu - truly words of wisdom, thank you.

[benga]

Zack - I have been reading your posts off and on, and spent sometime going through your earlier threads. You will be just fine. You seem to be a man just like myself 4 years ago. I too did very similar things (if not identical). The triggers were different (yours was suspect infidelity)...

 

Time time time... Your biggest friend..

 

You wife is probably very angry and resentful towards you right now. You will need to allow her time to calm down. How long depends on how long she has been carrying the resentment of her marriage and all the manifestation of unhappiness (you) in her mind. Anything you do, say and/or act, will not have any impact on her right now. There is something inside her that is switched off. Anything you do to get / gain her attention will only make you feel worse afterwards. She wont respond to you the way you are used to....

 

You will be alright in due course. Things are different and you will have to accept that reality.

 

There is actually alot of advise I can offer, but gotta go now (way too late to be online).. PM me anytime. You sound to be very similar to me years ago...

 

Take it easy! You will be alright...

Benga

[Tangz]

Dude can I ask that you NEVER trust her with what she says about anyone else.

 

My ex, one person who I held in such high regard as a genuine, honest, trustworthy person WHO SWORE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HURT ME broke her one promise I asked for her to not move on to quick. She denied it after I had asked so many times. Finnally after 4 months into breakup I find out last night she was having sex with this guy shortly after the break up.

I was literally in belief she wasn't involved on that level with this guy.

 

Don't believe them mate. You will feel like a sucker.