Girlfriend is confusing my sense of right and wrong...

[inkscarred]

Hi there,

 

Sorry this is a bit long...

 

First of all a bit of background. I'm 23, my g/f is 21, we've been together for about 3 months now but it's a very "strong" connection between us. We currently live together. Before her I was engaged to a girl for 2 and a half years so I know what it's about.

 

She's a very different type to what I'm normally used to but in a good way. She gives really good constructive criticism, and although I had a hard time taking it to begin with, I've become a much better person since I've been with her. We seem to really complete eachother a lot of the time.

 

There has however, been a bit of a dark side to this relationship. Many a time she's said something that has really upset me, and knocked my confidence back. It's ranged from penis size, to physical attractiveness, and everything in between. She's pointed out literally every person she's slept with, some of whom I work with. She also in the past told me that she'd "cheat on me with XYZ famous person", insisting that it doesn't matter because "the opportunity would never present itself in real life" and that therefore this statement is just humorous. In the end she convinced me to feel like I was overreacting, but looking back the comments still sting.

 

Every time I've forgiven her and some of the time she's been sorry. The rest of the time she was just defensive and stood by her actions. But the point is that I forgave her despite how much it hurt, because I personally believe that love is long term and hurt and mistakes are things that fade away in time.

 

I consider myself to be a pretty good boyfriend. I cook her meals, I fetch her things, I carry all the heavy stuff, I give up my seat, I give her my sweater if she's cold, I work hard to bring home extra money for her (her work has cut down her hours), and I avoid spending on luxuries so that she can have luxuries. When it comes to sex I do it entirely for her, and she has told me that I'm literally the best she's ever had - we go for missionary so that she doesn't have to do any of the work - I don't get much out of sex personally, so most the time I never get to orgasm, I'm just happy that she's happy. I do the dishes and the cleaning/tidying nearly all of the time, but admittedly sometimes being the only person doing it means it all gets a bit too much and it gets messy.

 

I feel that all this self sacrifice is the very least I can do as a lover. I do buy flowers and gifts, but I usually just get told off for spending money unnecessarily. So really apart from the occasional meal out this is the only way I can properly show my affection.

 

I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but last night ... I really need to just tell you what happened.

 

She was in bed and I was up late on the computer. I came into the bedroom to check up on her, gave her a hug, and she asked if I was coming to bed. I said yes, there were a few kisses, everything seemed fine and she seemed really happy. I got back up, went to feed the cat and clean out the litter tray. While I was up she went into the bathroom, and gave me a bit of a scornful look. I was a bit confused but figured I misread it.

 

I came to bed to find that she was snuggled into the duvet. I said "rather than hugging the duvet, why not hug me?" because she will usually snuggle into me at night. So she came over but basically just drooped her arm over me. When I nudged her to hug me properly she seemed to be a bit irritated, and said that her head was comfy where it was on the pillow. So I accepted this and turned over. She then grumbled that since I wasn't using the duvet and we weren't going to hug, she should have the duvet back. I gave her back the duvet and she complained that I'd made her really uncomfortable and woken her up, which I thought was a bit unreasonable (she normally doesn't mind this) since I was only trying to get some affectionate hugs, but I figured she was just grouchy from being tired.

 

She spread out into the middle of the bed, so I had to move right on the edge of the bed. I laid there for a while, but eventually got cold. I didn't want to wake her up to ask for some duvet, so I went into the spare room. It was incredibly lonely in there, and I desperately wanted to go back. It occurred to me that the reason why she was sleeping hugging the duvet, rather than under it, was because she was probably too hot, and that the duvet from the spare bedroom was thinner. So I took the duvet back into the bedroom with me. I figured that if she wouldn't use it tonight it could at least stay on the bed for next time.

 

I found her in the middle of the bed, hugging the duvet which was all bunched up on my side - I couldn't get in either side of her. Stupidly thinking I'd be doing her a favour, I gently pulled away the thick duvet and dropped down the thinner one. She complained again that I'd made her uncomfortable and woken her up, and seemed more pissed off.

 

Because she was in the middle of the bed and I was right on the edge, it was really difficult to turn and get comfy. I was being really careful but I kept accidentally waking her up and making her uncomfortable.

 

I eventually fell asleep. She woke up before me, and was up and about getting ready for work. I woke up to hear her walking around. She came back into the bedroom to collect things and looked at me. "Alright?" she asked, "yeah, good morning" I smiled "you?" I asked. She kept a flat face, and responded with a sharp "yep". She turned and went out the room as quickly as she came in.

 

I decided to get up to see if she was okay, and to get myself a drink. She was in the bathroom, just brushing her teeth and taking a painkiller. I hugged her from behind and asked her how she was feeling (she's currently got a kidney infection that has spread from cystitis). She said she was fine, broke away and walked out. I went back to the bedroom, got dressed and came back out to the landing to find her standing there waiting to go to work. That was when she asked "do you remember me having a go at you last night for making me uncomfortable and waking me up?". She went on "This is normally the point when you tell me that I was being a * * * * * last night... which would be justified". "You walked out and slept in the other room, you were gone for quite a while, came back, cried for a bit, remember? Do you remember pulling the duvet off me?". I didn't really answer much. "You didn't even apologise for waking me up and making me uncomfortable". I said that I was really sorry and didn't mean it. She then said "I know, it's not your fault, consideration for others is not your forté". I apologised again. "I'm going to work" she said, she was leaving about half an hour earlier than she needed to.

 

She went downstairs and opened the door, "I'm really sorry honey" I said, "Bye" she replied. "I love you...". I didn't get a response as she closed the door.

 

I'm really, really, really having a hard time figuring this all out in my head. I'm so confused, I can't figure out whether I've done something wrong or not anymore. So I'm sorry that it's so long but I really need your help on this. I keep sacrificing, apologising, forgiving, agreeing, but something deep down keeps telling me that this is wrong.

[ibu]

She seems really unreasonable.

I mean, sleeping in the middle of the bed, and when you want to get in, she complains that you've woken her up?

And that's only the tip of the ice-berg, from what I could read.

She seems to like getting you to feel down.

 

All you do in this relationship is give, give, give, but you get nothing in return.

You don't even get to enjoy sex and you do ALL the household chores. What kind of a relationship is that?

[dr_styles]

Agreed.

What does she do for you exactly?

(I'm sure there must be some, just lost in thought ... and if not, oh boy!)

[I_Speak_Jive]

Once upon a time I had a female friend who was dating a Very Nice Guy. This guy was so in love with her, and she liked him a fair bit in return.

 

She was used to a... different kind of boyfriend. The kind that played in the football team at our university, got hammered in the pub with his mates three or four times a week, slept with the team groupie girls (there were many) and then told all his mates about it.

 

But Very Nice Guy (VNG) came along and he was a gust of fresh air for her. A lovely summer breeze. Unlike all the other guys she had hooked up with in the previous two years, he didn't cheat on her, didn't give her an STD, didn't "shag & brag"... he listened to her, gave her foot rubs, held her head on his lap when they were watching TV...

 

It didn't take long until she started getting majorly irritated by him. She told me of how once she woke him up at 3am and demanded that he went to the 24h McDonalds to get her a burger. He obligingly got dressed and went out in the middle of the night, returning with a burger that she (of course) didn't touch. She didn't want a burger at 3am (I mean who does), but what she really wanted --she told me-- was for him to tell her "no".

 

They didn't last long. She went back to dating douchebags who treated her like a sex doll but looked great next to her at yuppie clubs on Facebook photos. He licked his wounds and started dating girls without such ostentatious examples of Princess/Punchbag Syndrome.

 

My point is, that duvet is your midnight burger. I think you need to be with a different kind of woman, but if you absolutely insist on doing it to yourself, then set boundaries and stick to them in the strongest possible way. You want an emotional dobermann, that's your prerrogative --but train it well because they bite down hard.

[inkscarred]

She seems really unreasonable.

I mean, sleeping in the middle of the bed, and when you want to get in, she complains that you've woken her up?

And that's only the tip of the ice-berg, from what I could read.

She seems to like getting you to feel down.

 

All you do in this relationship is give, give, give, but you get nothing in return.

You don't even get to enjoy sex and you do ALL the household chores. What kind of a relationship is that?

 

To be honest I don't know what kind of relationship we have, I'm so confused right now I've just totally lost perspective.

 

She does show an awful lot of appreciation for what I do for her, and she does offer to do things for me so that I get something out of sex. "You're the best boyfriend ever" is a frequent comment with the biggest grin ever, and it makes me so happy to make her so happy. She admits that she doesn't do enough household chores, and she feels bad that she asks me for money. I'm an old fashioned gentleman though, so I don't mind doing all of that, and I like that she appreciates it so much.

 

What gets me is when she tells me that consideration for others is not my forte. I don't mind doing so much work... I can get over the bad things she's said... but how can she say that I don't consider others?

 

I wish I could show you all the good times and the bad so that you can compare.

[inkscarred]

My point is, that duvet is your midnight burger. I think you need to be with a different kind of woman, but if you absolutely insist on doing it to yourself, then set boundaries and stick to them in the strongest possible way. You want an emotional dobermann, that's your prerrogative --but train it well because they bite down hard.

 

I agree with you entirely and she has admitted to me that she is the "princess" in your story. She told me early on that she needs someone strong who won't put up with her crap otherwise she'll walk all over them.

 

Don't get the wrong idea here, I'm the stereotypical "tough guy". I've got loads of tattoos, shaved hair, I'm well built, and I don't take crap from anyone. For some reason however I'm letting her get away with it. Normally I don't let anyone get to me, if someone is being abusive I tell them straight up that they are being a douche, and I give them the option to either stop it and apologise or get out of my life. But when she's being unreasonable, abusive, etc. I just roll over. I think I've spoiled her a bit.

 

Sometimes though I am wrong, I am genuinely in the wrong. I've made mistakes in the past, and I'm warey of this with her. I don't want to put my foot down and then make a complete fool of myself by finding out that actually I was at fault, and end up losing her as a result.

[HouseKitten]

You need to bite back occasionally.

 

The situation with the duvet - it wouldn't have done her any harm to see you, instead of creeping off with your tail between your legs to the spare room, to storm off to the spare room, spend the night there and then be short with her in the morning. She is the one in that situation being snappy and nasty for no real reason - except the reason is probably as I_Speak_Jive pointed out, you're so nice that it's starting to grate on her.

 

You're trying to do everything right but you can't. She's not perfect either - get angry when she snaps at you, demand to know what's wrong. If she makes an unreasonable request or is being stroppy over nothing, call her on it. The bed situation - when she says you woke her up, tell her you had to because she'd left no space for to get to sleep.

 

She needs to see that you aren't going to roll over and play dead whenever she gets the least bit angry with you, even when she's in the wrong. At the moment, even though she was the one being horrible to you, you apologised to her the next day. Why did you apologise? What had you done wrong except try to be nice to her?

 

Treat her like a person who has to take responsibility for their own moods instead of a princess and she'll stop treating you like crap.

[DN]

This is not being a good boyfriend. This is being servile. She has zero respect for you because you are demonstrating zero respect for yourself and this is why she treats you so badly. I think she is a fairly nasty person anyway but you are not only letting her get away with being nasty but actually encouraging it. It really is time to stand up for yourself and stop acting like her servant.

[agent1607307371]

I'm going to be very harsh here OP, but right now you are in a pathetic situation. You need to get away from this harpy and start living as though you have some self-worth.

 

You're her dog. Every now and then she pets you and you roll over.

[Applewhite]

I recognize your girlfriends behavior from my own, but towards my mother, as a teenager (how old is she?). From my experience such behavior comes from resentment over another issue. In this case I think it all starts in the beginning. She says: Are you coming to bed? (Which really means I am lonely and want to snuggle, come here) You say yes but leave to tend to the cat. She is angry there and the rest of the nonsense stems from this.

 

How to resolve it - you tell me. But I hope that helps a a window into her mind.

[penelope13]

Are you coming to bed? (Which really means I am lonely and want to snuggle, come here) You say yes but leave to tend to the cat. She is angry there and the rest of the nonsense stems from this.

 

This is already nonsense from the beginning:

firstly she doesn't communicate directly what she wants. secondly he is not fulfilling her 'wish' immediately because he is taking care of the house/ animal - something she could participate in so that they have more free time together.

 

Thus her being angry is not warranted at all. The solution is dropping the spoiled princess act and acting like an adult, not a petulant child.

 

Of course OP needs to drastically change his behavior and stand up for himself and not tolerate her behavior anymore.

[Applewhite]

This is already nonsense from the beginning:

firstly she doesn't communicate directly what she wants. secondly he is not fulfilling her 'wish' immediately because he is taking care of the house/ animal - something she could participate in so that they have more free time together.

 

Thus her being angry is not warranted at all. The solution is dropping the spoiled princess act and acting like an adult, not a petulant child.

 

Of course OP needs to drastically change his behavior and stand up for himself and not tolerate her behavior anymore.

 

As a clarification;

 

I didn't mean to say the behavior was right or warranted. I was just giving my opinion on how she could be thinking and why she does what she does.

[mmmd]

this girl sounds awful and you sound like a total punching bag.

 

i would 1.) stop dating her and 2.) stop being such a pushover

[guynextdoor]

Sounds like you are her doormat. Man up and stop letting her wear the pants..

[Cadence44]

You already live together and you've only been together for 3 months?

 

It sounds like you're getting a rapid post-honeymoon phase introduction to the real her. Turns out that she's not so great to be in a relationship with. Huh.

 

Where you go with that is up to you, but I'd bail since I doubt this dynamic is going to get any better. If you try to work this out, be prepared for a whole different nastiness to emerge when you suddenly stop doing things for her.

 

Good luck, man.

[inkscarred]

If you try to work this out, be prepared for a whole different nastiness to emerge when you suddenly stop doing things for her.

 

First of all I'd like to thank everyone for their amazing support and responses. You're all a credit to this forum.

 

This quote from Cadence is exactly what I'm worried about. Everyone here is absolutely on the money, I need to grab a can of man-up and stop letting her push me around.

 

Since my first post there was another incident.

 

I cooked her a bacon and egg sandwich, one of her favourites. I had an egg sandwich... couldn't resist lol. We had sex afterwards, really good sex actually, and after that she got a phone call from a friend of ours. Turned out that he was coming to our house, so she asked him to buy more bacon. She hung up and I said "Y'know I think I should stop cooking you all this unhealthy * * * * ", I was going to go on to say that we've just burned off the sandwiches and now it looks like we're gonna end up having more. Before I had a chance she took that to mean that I was calling her fat. She insisted that I said that looking at her belly.

 

That was yesterday. She's still really pissed at me. AND she went and told two people at my work what I said, probably in a very slanted way, because apparently one person said "If my boyfriend said that I'd punch him" and the other said "If I said that to my girlfriend I'd end up in a body bag".

 

This was AFTER I'd apologised for it coming out the wrong way, after I'd explained how it was intended. It's getting to the point now where an apology seems to mean nothing.

 

It pisses me off because obviously I must be turned on by her otherwise the sex wouldn't have happened. Personally I think she's gorgeous. GRR!

 

I noticed someone said something about us living together being a bit soon. I live in an area that is prohibitively expensive, and the only way I could afford a place was by renting with someone else. It turned out that my g/f wanted to move out too so we decided to go into it together. The house isn't connected to our relationship, whether it goes well or fails badly we're still living here. I'd be able to afford to live alone if I earned another £300-£400 a month (which is roughly $500) on top of the £650 I earn at the moment.

[jahur]

I'm going to be very harsh here OP, but right now you are in a pathetic situation. You need to get away from this harpy and start living as though you have some self-worth.

 

You're her dog. Every now and then she pets you and you roll over.

 

i agree, she is selfish and totally ignorant to how shes treating you, you sound like a really nice chap whos being used as a carpet for her ill gotten control!

 

what mistakes did you make that would warrant this type of emotional bullying??? steal her jewels???????????????

[inkscarred]

i agree, she is selfish and totally ignorant to how shes treating you, you sound like a really nice chap whos being used as a carpet for her ill gotten control!

 

what mistakes did you make that would warrant this type of emotional bullying??? steal her jewels???????????????

 

I have no idea what i've done, thats the thing. I think its just her own issues more than anything else. She probably just needs me to stand up to her. Which is what the others have said.

 

Tbh im beginning to wonder how much more i can take before i snap. Im already preparing myself for a breakup and its getting hard to love someone who has a constant attitude.

[HouseKitten]

Tbh im beginning to wonder how much more i can take before i snap.

 

I think snapping might be the best thing you could do. It might lead to a break-up or it might lead to her behaving better. Either way, you stop being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.

[Clarity]

This girl is walking all over you and you are happily obliging. She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself.

 

You don't even orgasm during sex and that's alright with you?! Are you a man or what??

[jahur]

I think snapping might be the best thing you could do. It might lead to a break-up or it might lead to her behaving better. Either way, you stop being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.

 

yes that maybe the best solution for one.

 

being a natural snap will bring out his real feelings, planning to snap just wont work.

 

lets just hope if and when he does and things work out she doesnt get complacent as she is now again. twould be a never ending cycle otherwise.

 

i hope it works out, he sounds the sort of geezer i would like my sister to have!