Why Do We Keep Hoping?

[DMK]

Just as my NC gets good, my ex has been contacting me. First time, it was 2 months out. This time, it was a month later and a much larger contact.

 

I got roped right back in, both times responding in kind, this time even, until it turned into a face to face get together I suggested (stupidly hoping it was a start of reconciliation).

 

Not that any of our interactions have ever been bad, they've all been pleasant, but there's been one thing missing -- DIRECTION.

 

Whenever I hear from her, my hope level jumps from the 0-1 up to the 5-6 (out of 10) level. I start thinking, I was in NC, she came to me, is she missing me? Wanting me back?

 

We all hear the stories here about people whose exes break NC as the dumper, just to get drawn in and disappointed again. And we think, not ME, my ex is different - He/She really must miss me or want me back!

 

Then in the end, it looks to be just as a friend, or perhaps to ease their own guilt, or get their own fix of you before they go back to the new lives or new girl/boyfriends.

 

In all my contacts, I've lacked one thing - Any sort of DIRECTION to get the information I want. I haven't once asked her, point blank, DO YOU WANT ME BACK? I have not asked her ARE YOU WITH ANOTHER GUY?

 

It's all been sort of ignored, and truly, those are the two questions, the only two, I feel a lot of us here in GBT want to know, from our ex. Are we afraid of what the answer may be? I'm afraid, I think, to put myself out there on the defensive again. In asking, we are giving them the chance to dump us all over again. Yes.

 

BUT - Aren't we also giving us the chance to find out, once and for all, if we can be at peace and let go? After all, if I had those two answers from my ex, today, and they were the negatives, I could very easily go into NC and never come out unless they directly told me those answers have changed. No more games, casual contacts, etc. No more meet-ups where only current events are discussed, etc.

 

If I asked, point blank and my ex simply said: "I don't want you back" or "I am seeing someone else" or even the ultimate "I am seeing someone else, but even if I wasn't I still wouldn't want you back" I know that I'd be able to stop HOPING. Even when she has a weak moment and seeks me out.

 

Maybe it's time I just stop guessing and gaming and ask.

 

But the irony is, to ask, I'd have to break NC again.

[pumpkinmoon]

I've been told a lot that my past actions, or lack of them have been based on fear and they were right. I stayed in a horrible relationship because I was afraid of what the future might hold for me. I kept my mouth shut and bottled things up inside because I was afraid he would leave me.

 

This post you have made is all about fear. Don't let fear guide you. You want to ask those questions then ask them. It might not be the answer you want but at least you will know like you said.

 

I will not let fear guide me any longer.

[moving]

I kept hoping for a year, in which I felt low-level pain throughout. I've had answers for three days (negatives), and I feel much more clear-headed - not hoping and pining and overanalyzing something that just isn't going to happen. I vote that you ask her and get the closure you need. Be aware that you're almost certainly just going to get closure, as opposed to anything more/better. But it still helps.

[cm17]

I'm in a similar situation where my ex contacts me just when I feel like I'm thinking about him less. We haven't actually met up yet, but I fear seeing him might take me further backwards. It seems like thats how you're feeling? I might be thinking we're not meant for eachother after all, then he'll message me and I start to wonder what he really wants. Then I start wanting to reconcile again. Like you I'm in a state of confusion about where I stand, and have been debating flat out asking him next time we see each other.

I think that maybe you should at least ask her if she is seeing anyone. If she says no maybe you could probe a bit and see if maybe she is open to a relationship talk, if she seems receptive you could bring up possible reconciliation. I think this constant questioning is bad for moving forward (in my case at least), knowing fully where you stand could really help even if you're afraid you won't get the answer you hope for...

[marshmallito]

I have been confused about my contact with the ex all week. After the breakup I was in survival mode and living with fervour. I still went out last night, but since I saw him last week I just feel confused and it paralysing. I am not making plans or pushing myself because my thoughts are consumed with him and I am not in the survival mode I was after the rejection.

Wish I had the guts to ask those questions.

[the_dawn]

Hi DMK,

 

BUT - Aren't we also giving us the chance to find out, once and for all, if we can be at peace and let go? After all, if I had those two answers from my ex, today, and they were the negatives, I could very easily go into NC and never come out unless they directly told me those answers have changed. No more games, casual contacts, etc. No more meet-ups where only current events are discussed, etc.

 

I think we (the dumpees) always hold on to hope, at least during the first couple of months. Every nice gesture from the dumper, every kind word is treated as a possibility to get back together, something that shows they still care, want you back etc. I'm pretty sure that in most cases it's nothing like it and we simply misread the signs.

 

My ex is with someone and I still have hope, I keep saying to myself, that she needed someone to have around after I was gone etc. stupid I know, but I still hold on to anything that might give hope and I hate it. I hate that I still want her back, I hate that I hope she might come back on her own. Would give so much to get rid of it and simply move on and forget.

 

the_dawn

[cherryberry123]

I'm glad I found this post, I thought I was the only one who feared asking.

 

Every one of my friends who know my situation are speechless and don't know what to think of my guy. He's to hard to read, and they said I should just flat out ask him. I can't do it.

I can ask anything else and say anything, but when it comes "Do you want to reconcile?" I can't do it.

[bwhite00]

I know what you mean! I was cool with the split for the first two weeks and then weeks 3 and 4 were killer on me. So lonely and missing her. So I made it clear I still loved her and was willing to change the behaviors which drove us apart (me isolating).

 

She's lonely too I guess because I've gone over to spend the night three times and the last time there was sexual contact-but no sex per se.

 

The next day she hits me with 'i'm sorry about last night it was innapropriate'. And I honestly have to say that each time I'm with her I feel worse for it later.

 

So I've adopted a NC policy but Im torn on whether to reply to her texts as I don't want to isolate her completely if I still want to work things out later.

 

But at the same time Im not interested in being her friend just so she can cope while I hurt and hang on. After the 4 weeks apart Im thinking much clearer and my opinion is: if this is going to be fixed it has to be her idea not mine. No more setting myself up for rejection like I have been. Good luck.

[FootofGod]

I hung my hope up. But I still have this nagging feeling. Like when you can just tell, except for now I'm not even sure if I want it/what I want.

[the_dawn]

Hi guys,

 

we are afraid of asking a direct question, because we don't want to know that all hope is lost. Even if you say "I'd like to know, cause then it would be easier to move on' you might be lying to yourself and know deep down inside that you don't want to hear those dreaded words. In addition, the dumpers are sometimes 'forced' to say 'no I don't want to go back together' because they might have to face more questions like 'so if you want me back why did you break up in the first place?'. The dumpee might start to question the decision of splitting and blaming the dumper, they certainly don't want that. Plus it's loosing face when you make a decision and not stick to it, it's showing lack of character and being weak.

 

She's lonely too I guess because I've gone over to spend the night three times and the last time there was sexual contact-but no sex per se.

 

The next day she hits me with 'i'm sorry about last night it was innapropriate'. And I honestly have to say that each time I'm with her I feel worse for it later.

 

Been there done that (just being close, no sexual stuff), it's usually more hurtful to the dumpee, as the dumper already pulled back a while ago and I reckon they are more resistant to that sort of behaviour. Sure they miss it, but it's different, there's loads of stuff going on in their heads, loads of things thought through, history re-written etc. I think typical behaviour for dumpers in such situations is go back to the negative stuff/thinking, otherwise they are faced with guilt/doubt and they don't want that. So in some way they can switch their attitude in a split second.

 

But I still have this nagging feeling.

 

I would say that's hope in a slightly different form. But the balance is probably shifting a bit towards the negative thinking/not wanting her back.

 

the_dawn

[hater13]

I no longer have any hope. It's been so long, it's not healthy for me to still hope that he'll contact me one day. He said shortly after the breakup that he wouldn't regret it and that he didn't regret, so I have to believe what he said. No matter how painful it is. What he actually said to me is the closest thing to the truth I have (even if it isn't the truth).

 

He no longer loves me or cares about me. So that's the end of that I guess.

 

Obviously it still hurts, and of course I still don't have a real answer as to why we broke up but I won't be getting that answer so why does it matter.

 

All I can do I try to move forward however painful it is. If one day he does try to contact me, I won't ignore him or interogate him, that's just not how I am.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst xo

 

- I also get that nagging "it's not over" feeling it kills me

[bwhite00]

Bless your soul. I know how you feel and if it's any consolation, sometimes when they break contact and you respond it can get your hopes up and shatter your dignity worse than if they hadn't contacted you in the first place. Hang in there.

[Live-N-Learn]

I contacted my ex after 10 weeks of NC. We met and I told her all the things I felt I had learned about the relationship and shared what I felt I could have done better. Then I asked her where she saw me fitting into her life. You have to ask the question or you will be stuck in the worst spot ever...limbo!

 

She said she was not sure at this time, and I told her to take some time to figure it out. That if she decided it was no more than friends I asked her if she would tell me. She said yes. Well we hung out a few more times and she shared everything that was going on since we have been apart. I then told her she was a mess and just not dateable at this time. She agreed. btw, she was dating a guy and told me on the second night.

 

Anyways, she told me she was breaking it off with him and did a few days ago. We talked again and she agreed not to date for a few months to work on herself. I told her I would support her through this with this understanding ( I told her I wanted to be with her and when she is ready to date again we would discuss us). She agreed.

 

You have to make sure you know where you stand or you will go crazy! If my ex dates someone before talking to me about us, I will confront her and be gone.

 

Hope this helps