I am cooled down by chilled out BF

[baxxter]

I have a very chilled out bf who once told me,

"I don't know if I love you YET."

 

That was 6 months or so ago, and I said,

"That's fine, I can wait for you, but you should know that I do love you."

 

It wasn't easy thing to hear, when he said he didn't love me, and we were together on/off for almost a year by then, so my thought really was,

"If you are not sure now, you never will be."

 

I wanted him to love me, but I thought these things may take long time for some, so I just didn't say anything after then.

 

But lately I have been feeling disassociated from passion, mainly due to the fact that I don't expect him to respond in the same way, and I just don't want to get hurt. People say you can't stop loving someone when you really are in love, but I have been so hurt in the past I am REALLY good at controlling my feelings. (In fact I was seeing some guy without feeling an ounce of emotion for 4 yrs, just because I knew he would not respond.)

 

Things are very good between us, he is perfect in almost every way, and he is very caring and considerate most of the time, and difficulties we face I can put down as any problem that anyone couple experience.

 

I just can't say for sure, that I love him, when I know he doesn't, or never will love me.

 

Is it normal? Am I being selfish only to love, to be loved back?

 

Please advise...

[DN]

I think it is inevitable that you are feeling that way because I believe romantic love for another human has to be reciprocated or it dies or becomes something else that isn't really very healthy.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you do love him but you have put those feelings away in fear of getting hurt. It is up to you if you want to hang around and wait for his feelings to develop.

[bulletproof]

What you are describing sounds like you are starting to resent him.

 

I totally see where you are coming from about perhaps loving only to be loved back, but I'm not sure that's what's going on here. It sounds more like you're realizing that in order to be in a mature and mutually loving relationship, both parties have to be on the same page to some degree.

[catfeeder]

People ask themselves all the time, "Is this enough for me?"

 

When the answer is no, some people walk away to seek a better relationship while others settle. Of those who settle, some just lower their expectations while others keep their expectations high and remain frustrated by reality.

 

My heart goes out to you. You know what your options are.

[doyathink]

Chances are, he does love you but is scared to tell you he is right now.

[baxxter]

Chances are, he does love you but is scared to tell you he is right now.

 

I thought he did, too, and that's why asked him if he did, and the answer was no, not yet.

 

He was with his ex for over 3 yrs and he says he never loved her or said he did. The girl obviously thought she was going to marry him and all that, and yet he dumped her when they were both 30. (I think that's not nice, do you? If you are going out with a marrying girl for that long, you can't do that!)

 

I don't think he has ever been in love, maybe except for the first love who apparently hurt him (every first love hurts, yes?) I think he might be incapable of loving someone.

 

I am not looking to marry him or anyone else, and am happy to have relationship that goes on for a long time, provided that we are both happy with each other.

 

I am not happy that he does not love me, but also not sure it's bad enough to break it off when he may will love me in a long run. Am not sure if I can wait...

 

Is it enough? Maybe, maybe not. I am so separated from my feelings I don't even know that.

 

Is there anyway I know that he can love?

[baxxter]

How long would YOU wait in this kind of situation, how long is too long?

[catfeeder]

I'd ask myself whether this relationship outweighs the pursuit of mutual love-you-adore-you-CRAZY-about-you love, the kind of guy I can whisper my secrets to, the kind of intimacy that 'clicks'.

 

I have plenty of friends. I don't need to reserve myself for one of those. I'm a romantic who would rather be alone than numb in the wrong relationship.

 

Not everybody is meant to love everyone else; otherwise what makes love rare and special? Odds are against finding the right One right off the bat, and that's why odds are also in favor of trying to assign 'right' status to the wrong match. It happens to most of us, and often more than once.

 

This IS enough for some people, and nobody else can tell you if its enough for you. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, which sounds obvious--but this kind of choice is as private as it gets.

[baxxter]

Maybe I was simplifying my story too much in order to get some general ideas from people here so I could think through things.

 

I do not think we lack passion / intimacy etc. I almost fully trust him and he is a wonderful guy who has so much to give and has given a lot already. I enjoy getting to know him more when we meet, and it is very intellectually stimulating, and challenging (in good and bad ways) relationship, and he is very much committed to me, more than I thought anyone could for me.

 

Yet I am very insecure person and was badly hurt in the past so I constantly worry that he is about to leave me, even though the reality cannot be further from the truth. I want assurance from him, and that is why I posted this thread.

 

He always wants me to meet all his friends and his family member, and all I can think is,

"Why is he doing this when he may, and probably never will love me, just end up walking out of my life anytime? What is the point of this?"

 

He always tells me to enjoy the moment, but am just not built that way. I cannot let myself enjoy the moments, or open up fully to him and his mates without more security. So I do not enjoy the time when we are with his people. This is getting to be a problem.

 

I know the security issues are my problem and his word will not fix this, but I think it will help ease me, relaxes me. Or is it still too much to ask? I dunno.

 

Plus, I guess I want to gain more control over the situation, as I feel I let /make him having to calls all the shot, leaving me worried and scared for THE END.

 

But any general ideas / opinions / suggestions are welcome. Any thoughts will help me think at this time.

 

Thank you xx